The Lonely (33 page)

We
hug and kiss and they touch me a thousand times. They squeeze me and hold me
and walk us to the elevator. I am a mess but Michelle and Stuart look ready for
death. They're holding back something I don’t think I want to see. Eli presses
the button as my father shakes his hand and looks at me as they talk. He leaves
his side and hugs me once more. He whispers into my ear, "I already
approve." He says softly. "He saved you, cared for you and brought
you home and has supported you. I approve."

I
pull back confused. I look at Eli who smirks at me. I scowl, making his smirk
grow into a smile.

"Thanks
Ro…Dad." I say. He tears up again.

Finally
we are in the elevator, silent and stunned as the doors close on my weeping
family. Michelle collapses into Stuart and howls. She tries apologizing but I
can't understand her. She grips to me and him and looks like she might faint.

"I'm
gonna take her home." Stuart whispers. I nod. I have a feeling I will be
spending the evening the same way.

Eli
steps off the elevator and holds his hand out for me. I take it and let him
bring me to his car. I've never driven with him before. He has an SUV that
matches the one Stuart drives.

We
drive in silence until I need an answer, "What did he say to you at the
elevator?" I look straight ahead when I ask.

"He
thanked me for being there for you, even as a boy, when he could not protect
you himself. He told me that I had his permission to love you."

My
eyes tear up again. He drives out of the city. I don’t know where we're going.
I don’t care. I'm just dreading the conversation we have to have.

"I
feel so vulnerable having them again. Like I have something to lose." My
voice is sad and small, just above a whisper.

"What
happens if you lost them all tomorrow? Would that take away from the joy and
the love you got from them there at the suite?"

I
watch his face for a moment and then shake my head.

"Sarah,
that feeling is forever. It doesn't shrink or grow. It's just there. It exists.
It's yours and no one can take that." He sounds so smart.

I
look back out the window. I'm exhausted and can't think about it. I curl into
the window and let my visions of her eyes and his lips and her hair and their
smells fill me up. They are me. I know this to be true.

I
wake, blinking and squinting. I'm sleeping in a bright room. The curtains
aren’t drawn. The view from the windows is beautiful. White frothy waves and a
snow-covered beach. The ocean and sky are both grey, like they're cold and
unfeeling.

I
look around the beige and white room. It's plain but classic, eyelet lace and
wainscoting but the blanket is expensive and the bed is incredibly comfortable.

At
the far side of the massive room, Eli is sleeping on a huge couch. I step off
the bed and pick up my boots and coat. I look at him and shake my head. He is
so beautiful and chaotic. I hate but appreciate his attempt at being my brother
and sleeping on the couch. Not that it changes how I feel. Disgusted and
sickened.

I
sneak from the room, closing the door slightly. The hallway is huge, grand
even. Large paintings and sand-colored walls line the halls. I tiptoe down the
wide staircase into a large foyer. I pull on my boots and coat and open the
front door.

The
front of the house is remarkable. I walk around, stunned by the yard. It's
exactly the sort of place I have dreamt of my whole life. I zip my coat and
pull my fur-lined hood over my head.

The
wind and snow feel colder here at the sea. I crunch through the dry snow to the
beach. The waves are violent and white with the snow swirls getting lost in
them.

I
feel too many things, but mostly I feel like the snow. I feel like I'm getting
lost in the water. It's so big and violent and I can't separate myself from it
once I let it take me in. My phone vibrates. I pull it out and grin.

'Hope
it went well. I miss you. Can I see you today?'

I
text back,
'It was amazing. I remember them a tiny bit. I remember the way
they smell. I'm with them today again. I will text you.'

He
makes a sad face. I laugh.

"You
seeing him again today?" I spin seeing Eli. He's standing against a large
log with only his t-shirt on. I frown, "You'll freeze. Where is your
coat?"

He
shakes his head and walks towards me, "Don’t change the subject."

I
look down at my phone and nod, "I don't know."

"You
plan on just seeing both of us? Use me when you need me and be with him the
rest of the time?"

I
look up, shocked but desperate to keep the hurt from my face, "No."

He's
cold, I can see it, but he still walks to me and pulls me into him, "You
want me, Sarah."

I
don’t know what to say. There are so many things between us that feel gross and
horrid and I don’t want to, but I have to make them bigger. I shove him
slightly, "I don’t want to."

"You
have to know." He takes my hand and presses his warm lips into the top of
it, "I love you. Not because you're my replacement for my sister."

I
jerk my hand away and shudder. I walk past him, "I never want to talk
about this again."

"She
is obsessed with me. I didn’t know."

I
look back at him, "Did you sleep with her?"

He
presses his lips together. He doesn’t have to talk for me to know the answer.
"Gross." I grimace. "What is wrong with you? Why would you sleep
with your therapist? Did you take her to that room? Is that how she knows you
like to punish girls?"

He
shakes his head but I am stuck in my sick feelings.

His
voice is desperate, "It happened once, two years ago. It was a mistake. I
was drunk in the bar, after I found you. I was celebrating."

I
shake my head and cover my ears, "WHAT THE FUCK? I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THIS
SHIT! JESUS!"

I
run up the beach. He's almost got me but when my legs reach the grass and snow,
I take off. I run past the house and up the driveway. I don’t know what I'm
doing. I just need to be away from him. I run until I'm so disgusted I can't
breathe. I slow to a walk and pace.

I
pull my phone out and call Shell. "I need you." I say softly. I'm out
of breath.

"Where
are you? Are you okay?"

I
shake my head and sniffle, "I'm fine. I just…I don’t know. I need a ride
to the hotel where my parents are."

"Go
to maps on your phone and look up current location and map it to my place. I'll
text you the address here. I'll start heading out to the car. Me and Stuart
will come get you."

"Okay."
I do as she says. I'm frozen when they show up half an hour later.

"Get
in the front seat with the heater." She says when they get there. I jump
in and put my frozen hands on the heater.

"What
the hell is going on?"

I
shake my head, "Nothing. Just drama." I glance back at her.

"You
okay?"

I
shake my head, "No."

She
puts a hand on my shoulder, "Jesus. You're frozen."

I
nod, "Yup." My phone is going nuts in my pocket.

"Don't
tell him you picked me up."

Stuart
gives me a sideways glance. "He doesn’t know? Shit."

Shell
squeezes my shoulders, "Okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

I
shake my head and look down at my phone, which is nonstop ringing.

We
ride in silence to the hotel.

I
walk into the hotel, exhausted and in the same clothes as the day before.

"Can
I help you?" A lady at the front desk asks us as we arrive.

"She's
with me." I flinch when I hear his deep voice. I cringe and turn.

"Very
good, Mr. Adams." The lady says. He offers me a hand. I walk past him and
mutter, "Not now." Shell and Stuart walk past us and go down a hall.
I follow after them.

He
clenches his jaw and grabs my hand. He drags me down a different hallway. He
stops and grabs my arms, "You ever scare me like that again and I will
make sure you don’t ever forget to let me know where you are. You don’t run
off." The anger in his eyes makes the man in the chair and the cell look
like Santa. I gulp and shove him back, "You are not the boss of me."

He
grabs my hand again and pulls me into a room. Everyone is there already. Shell
and Stuart and my family.

My
mother smiles and I forget everything else. I don’t have to force the smile
across my lips.

The
men stand as I get in my chair.

"Good
morning, honey." She grabs my hand and squeezes. She looks at Eli,
"Morning Eli, honey." I hate that she uses the same pet name for him
and me.

"Did
you sleep well?" My Dad asks. I smile and nod, "I did."

My
mom squeezes my hand again, "I slept like I haven’t slept in a hundred
years." She laughs and I know the sound. It's distant but I remember it.
Like wind chimes I once heard but will remember every time I hear them.

I
laugh and nod, "I know that feeling." I remember her voice. I like
that.

We
eat breakfast and laugh and hug. She pours my coffee and he smiles when he
passes me the butter. My brothers bicker and make fun of me with Shell. I feel
like I'm at Shell's but these are mine. I belong.

Hours
later, sitting in the car with Stuart driving, I'm lost in what to do. I
refused to go back with Eli and he wasn't bold enough to drag me to his car in
front of my Dad and brothers. I have a Dad and brothers. Protection of my own.

"They
are so awesome." Shell smiles at me.

I
glance up and nod, "Awesome."

Stuart
looks at me in the rearview, "I love them dude. So amazing. Your mom is
demanding we all come for Easter. Is that cool?"

I
nod, "It is. I want you guys there too."

Shell
narrows her eyes, "What did Eli do? You looked ready to murder him."

I
shake my head, "The usual shit. You know Eli."

Stuart
nods but Shell shakes her head, "I don't actually."

I
laugh, "Well you're not missing much."

Stuart
laughs, "Oh you're missing a lot. It's just whether you want to see what
all you're missing.

I
look behind us and see him. He's so close I can see the cold anger in his eyes.
It makes me nervous.

Stuart
looks at me, "He says I have to take you to his place."

I
look back and give him the finger. I send a message to Sebastian quickly.

'Meet
me at front entrance of the Mandarin Oriental building in ten-minutes please.'

'Okay.
You alright?'
He texts me back too quickly.
Like he was waiting for my message. It hurts but I need him.

'Yup.'

I
hate what I'm about to do. I'm selfish sometimes.

We
pull up in front of the building. I dash from the SUV and run across the road
to the white Porsche parked out front. I jump in and point, "Just drive,
please."

My
phone rings. I glance at it and sigh.

"What's
going on? Are you alright?" Sebastian looks confused.

I
shake my head, "No. I needed to talk to you." I look at him as the
engine revs. "Can you take me to the dorms?"

He
looks angry and I don’t blame him. He sighs and turns up a road. "Are you
breaking up with me?" He glances at me.

I
nod, "It's not that I'm breaking up with you. I'm freeing you from the
insanity that is me." I turn and face him, "You told me you didn’t want
some other guy's girl."

He
licks his lips and nods. I hate what I about to do to him.

I
clear my throat and speak softly, "Fourteen years ago a boy held his hand
out for me. He rescued me from my prison. I have never gotten past it. No
matter what I do, or where I go, all I see is his hand. His fucked up, bizarre,
damaged hand." I stop and listen to myself. I shake my head, "I
realize I'm not even making sense. But let me just say this, no matter what
happens in this world, I will always be that guy's girl. I've made him so big
in my mind that I can't even move around in there. It's not that I can even be
with him. I just won't ever be without him. I'll never be whole without
him."

He
frowns, "This is insanity. You're going on the emotions of your family and
the feelings that are overwhelming you. You need to distance yourself and find
your true feelings."

"From
both of you." I whisper.

He
looks at me with the greenest hazel eyes ever and the most broken look on his
face. I force myself to look at him and see every ounce of pain.