The Lost Blogs (5 page)

Evil Wooden Ship of Death

Really Bad Evil Wooden Ship of Death (emphasize the “Really Bad” part)

So Bad You Can’t Even Imagine, Evil Wooden Ship of Death

With limited food and water (as we are working with rations) I find that my mind is not as sharp as usual, but I do believe
that one of the “Wooden Ship of Death” titles would far surpass the silly
Niña
naming scheme, as we are not little girls but grown men.

I will continue to put more thought into this matter and will follow up once again tomorrow with my twenty-second blog entry
from my cabin here on the ship.

By the way, we are on course.

From:
http://www.herman_melville.com/~blog/

Subject:
…

Call me crazy… but having visited the washroom twice earlier, my ears had heard what only now my eyes could confirm. Flipping
and flopping around in the sparkling white bowl was a huge black object that most definitely did not belong. Alas, it was
encroaching on my simple existence and would have to be dispatched before any more harm could be done.

The invention, of course, of the flushable chamber pot has been around for decades but just recently found its way into the
homes of those in the New York City area. Outhouses still reign supreme if not simply being the result of a lack of financial
possibility, since the purchasing and installing of such an item can cost more than one expects.

My fears, of course, were apparent; there being a certain goal in mind when I found myself behind closed doors and ready to
unleash what “once was” into the twisting pipes below my house. Yet, knowing that somewhere in the water lurked a foreign
creature with the ability to snap at me while I sat, caused my thoughts to turn toward eradication before evacuation. There
being nothing worse than being blind while exposed, the solution was evident.

Still in its infancy, the sewer systems set up for the country and outerlying areas of New York City are far from perfection.
With limited areas set aside for the disposal of such household remnants, and a limited amount of service personnel available
to assist in such matters, it often surprises one just how little there is to be done when the mechanics behind the new technology
do not function correctly or altogether back up.

Of course, before sitting down to do my prearranged business, I had to do away with the foreign creature that had obviously
set
his sights on disrupting my peace. I stood above the wavering pool of water, peering into the depths for a quick glance at
that which was pursuing me. In fact, I was pursuing the creature, being the heathen that I was, in an attempt to put an end
to the terror it had caused as of late. The rubber plunger, attached to the side of the mechanism, would cause the undoing
of the mysterious black insect.

As quickly as I could, I lifted up the instrument while purposefully jabbing the side of the ceramic structure with force
… causing the monstrous creature to emerge once again from the depths of the darkened hole at the base of the bowl. I jammed
the object, gripped tightly in my hand again and again. I stabbed; for hate’s sake. Spit my last breath at the blackened creature.
Eyes matched for a moment, as our souls connected in this battle of wills.

In the process, liquid splashed and spilled forth upon the tile floor, causing gravity to take hold and flip me on my back,
my leg bending beneath me. The room went dark, much like the mask of the evil creature, and I awoke hours later with my leg
lifted high above the bed.

As I will be here for some time, leg tied and courage battered—I suspect I will continue to elaborate on my quest to do away
with that which caused me this pain.

Revenge will be mine. That much I will see to.

In the meantime, if you’re interested you can purchase my latest books
here
and
here
.

From:
http://www.thomaspaine.com/

Subject:
Self-Publishing!

With the current state of the Revolutionary War, things are in dire straits—these are the motivating factors that urged me
to draft my latest document denouncing British rule.

I have mentioned this document before, as I have been working on the writing of said document for many weeks now. But as I
am close to releasing this document to the public via this blog, I am striving to come up with a title for such prose.

That is why I look to you, dear readers, for your creative insight and influence. This document needs a title that is simple,
yet communicates clearly. It should not need explaining or discussion. It should stand on its own. As I mentioned before,
this document outlines the reasons why Britain should not be ruling our continent and why this nation is not a “British nation”
(this country is composed of influences from all of Europe) and should therefore not be ruled by one.

It is a heady, passionate, important document whose title must reflect such emotions. If you would be so kind, please vote
in the below poll, so that I may pick the best title prior to releasing the PDF and Audiobook versions to the public at large.

Time is of the essence! Also, if you have other ideas not on this list, please
e-mail me
with them.

Thomas Paine’s Untitled Document Should Be Called:

IT’S LIKE, SOMETHING WE ALL KNOW

ALL ON THE SAME PAGE: MY THOUGHTS ON THE SUBJECT

THIRTEEN COLONIES: THIRTEEN PROBLEMS

ITS THERE, IN YOUR HEAD, THAT INFORMATION

YOUR FATHER SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT YOU THIS

WHO LIKES THE BRITISH? NOT ME, THOMAS PAINE!

GO AWAY, REDCOATS!

UNCOMMON THOUGHTS FOR A COMMON PROBLEM

THE REDCOATS: NOT WELL READ