The Lost Boy (6 page)

I let out a deep sigh. I knew we were only a few miles away from the courthouse. “Yes, ma’am, I understand.”

“David, what your mother did to you was wrong. Very wrong. No child deserves to be treated like that. She’s sick.” Pam’s voice was soft, and calm. She seemed on the verge of tears. “Remember Monday afternoon when I told you that one day you’d have to make a decision? Well, today is that day. The decision you make today will affect you for the rest of your life. Only
you
can decide your fate. I’ve done all that I can do. Everyone’s done what they can do – your teachers, the school nurse, Aunt Mary, everyone. Now it’s up to you.

“David, I see so much in you. You’re a very brave young man. Not many children can tell their secret. Someday this whole experience will be behind you.” Ms Gold stopped for a moment. “David, you’re a very brave young man.”

“Well, I don’t fell very brave, Ms Gold. I feel … like … like a traitor.”

“David, ” Pam smiled, “you’re not a traitor! And don’t you forget it.”

“If she’s sick, ” I asked, “then what about my other brothers? Are you going to help them, too? What if she goes after one of them?”

“Well, right now my only concern is you. I don’t have any information that your mother was or is abusing your brothers. We have to start somewhere. Let’s take this one step at a time. All right? And David …” Ms Gold switched off the ignition. We had reached the courthouse.

“Yes, ma’am?”

“I want you to know that I love you.”

I looked deep into Ms Gold’s eyes. They were so pure. “I really do, ” she said, stroking the side of my cheek.

I cried as I nodded my head. Ms Gold lifted my chin with her fingers. I pressed my head against her hand. I cried because I knew that in a few minutes I would betray Pam’s love.

Minutes later we walked into the waiting room of the county courthouse, and Ms Gold grabbed my hand. Mother and the boys were waiting on one of the benches. Ms Gold nodded at Mother as the two of us walked by. I stole a glance. Mother was wearing a nice dress and had fixed up her hair.

Ron had a cast on his leg.

No one acknowledged my presence, but I could feel Mother’s hate. Ms Gold and I sat down, waiting our turn. The delay was unbearable. Burying my head under my right arm, I mumbled to Ms Gold, asking her for a pen and paper. I proceeded to scribble a small note.

To Mother:

I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come to this. I didn’t mean to tell the secret. I didn’t mean to hurt the family.

Can you ever forgive me?

Your son, David

Ms Gold read the note and nodded, giving me permission to give the note to Mother. I shuffled over to Mother, becoming a child called
“It”
once again – with my hands stuck to my sides and my head cocked down toward the floor. I waited for Mother to say something, to yell at me, snap her fingers, anything. She didn’t even acknowledge my presence. I inched my head upward, moving my eyes up her body, and stuck my hand out, holding my note. Mother snatched the paper, read it, then tore it in half. I bowed my head before returning to Ms Gold, who put her arm around my shoulder.

Minutes later Ms Gold, Mother, my four brothers and I filed into the courtroom. I sat behind a dark table, gazing in awe at the man above me dressed in a black robe. “Don’t be afraid, ” Ms Gold whispered. “The judge may ask you a few questions. It’s important, very important that you tell him the truth, ” she said, stressing the last part of her sentence.

Knowing that my final outcome would be decided in the next few minutes, I reached over and nervously tapped Ms Gold’s hand. “I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused you …” I wanted to tell her the truth – the real truth – but I didn’t have the guts. The lack of sleep had drained all of my inner strength. Ms Gold smiled at me reassuringly, revealing her pearly white teeth. A subtle yet familiar fragrance filled my head. I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath …

Before I knew it, the clerk began to read off a number and stated my name. At the mention of my name my head snapped up at the judge, who adjusted his glasses and glanced down at me. “Yes, the … uhh … Pelzer case. Yes. I presume the representative from the county is present?” the judge asked.

Ms Gold cleared her throat and winked at me. “Here we go. Wish me luck.”

The judge nodded at Ms Gold. “Recommendations?”

“Thank you, Your Honor. As the court is well aware through the extensive briefs from the pediatrician’s examinations, interviews with the minor’s former teachers, other interviews and my reports, the county recommends that David Pelzer become a permanent ward of the court.”

I stared up at Ms Gold. I could barely make out her voice. I knew it was she who was talking, but her voice cracked. I glanced down at her skirt. Her knees were shaking. I clamped my eyes shut.
Oh my God,
I said to myself. As I opened my eyes, Ms Gold returned to her seat, covering her trembling hands.

“Mrs Pelzer? Is there anything you wish to state?” the judge asked.

Every head swung to the right, stopping at Mother. At first I thought Mother did not hear the judge. She simply stared up at his bench with a blank expression. After a few seconds, I realized what Mother was trying to do. She was trying to stare the judge down.

“Uhh … Mrs Pelzer? Do you wish to make a statement in regard to your son, David?”

“I have nothing to say, ” Mother said in a flat tone.

The judge rubbed his forehead then shook his head. “Fine. Thank you, Mrs Pelzer. Duly noted.”

The judge then turned to Ms Gold. “This is a very disturbing, very unusual case. I have read thoroughly all of the statements, and I have been troubled with the …”

I lost track of time as the judge began to ramble. I felt myself shrinking inside. I knew in a matter of minutes the proceedings would be over and I would be back with Mother. I glanced over to the right to look at her. Mother’s face was stone cold. I closed my eyes, visualizing myself back at the bottom of the stairs and sitting on top of my hands, hungry -like a starving animal. I didn’t know whether I could go back to that life again. I only wanted to be free of the pain and the indignity.

“David?” Ms Gold whispered as she poked me. “David, the judge wants you to stand up.”

I shook my thoughts clear. I had fallen asleep, again. “What? I don’t under …”

Ms Gold grabbed my elbow. “Come on, David. The judge is waiting.”

I stared up at the judge, who nodded for me to stand. My throat felt as if an apple were stuck in it. As I pushed my chair behind me, Ms Gold tapped my left hand. “It’s all right. Just tell the judge the truth.”

“Well, young man, ” the judge began. “What it boils down to is this: If the court so desires and if you believe that your home setting is undesirable … you may become a permanent ward of the court, or you may return and reside with your mother at your home residence.”

My eyes grew wide. I couldn’t believe that this moment had finally come. In unison, every person in the small room turned toward me. A lady with grayish white hair held her fingers just above a strange-looking typewriter. Every time someone spoke, the lady tapped keys that looked like tongue depressors. I swallowed hard and clenched my hands. From the right I could feel Mother’s radar of hate turn on.

I tried to look at the judge. I swallowed hard once more before I started to deliver my rehearsed line about how I had lied and that I had indeed caused all the problems at home and that Mother had never abused me. From the corner of my right eye I could see Mother’s eyes locked on to me.

Time stood still. I closed my eyes and imagined myself being driven back to The House with The Mother, where she would beat me and I would be forced to live at the bottom of the stairs, dreading the second set of commercials, wishing I could someday escape and become a normal kid who was allowed to be free of fear, to play outside …

Without Ms Gold knowing, I turned to her and inhaled again. Suddenly it hit me – Ms Gold’s perfume. It was the same perfume she wore whenever she gave me a hug or held me as we lay at the end of the couch. I saw myself playing with her hair.

My mind switched to seeing myself outside, laughing with the other children, playing basketball, searching for each other in a game of tag and running at hypersonic speeds through Aunt Mary’s home; then at the end of the day being dragged in from outside after hunting for snakes or playing by the creek. I opened my eyes and peeked at my hands. They were no longer red. In fact, my skin had a light tan.

I could feel Mother’s radar drill through me. I felt myself leaning to the right, a surge of fear creeping up my back. I took in another whiff of Ms Gold’s perfume.

I held my breath for a fleeting second, then before my courage disappeared I blurted out, “You, sir! I want to live with you! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to tell! I didn’t mean to cause any trouble!”

Mother’s radar of hate intensified. I tried to remain standing, but my knees began to buckle.

“So be it, ” the judge quickly announced. “It is the recommendation of this court that the minor, David James Pelzer, shall become a ward of the court and remain so until his 18th birthday. This case is closed!” the judge quickly concluded, as he slammed his gavel on a piece of wood.

I felt paralysed. I wasn’t sure what had just happened. Ms Gold sprang up and hugged me so tightly that I thought she’d crush my ribs. All I could see was a forest of blond strands, and I gagged as I almost swallowed clumps of Ms Gold’s hair. After a few moments, Ms Gold regained her composure. I wiped my tears and my runny nose. I looked up at the bench. The judge smiled at me. I returned the gesture. Then, for a brief moment, I thought His Honor winked at me.

I felt Mother’s radar of hate flicker, then turn off.

Ms Gold held my shoulders. “David, I’m so proud of you!” Before she could say anything else, I whimpered, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you the other day. I’m sorry I made you cry. Can you ever forgive me? I just wanted to …”

Ms Gold parted my hair from my eyes. “Shh. It’s all right. I knew what you were doing. But now, your mother wants to …”

“No!” I cried. “She’ll take me away!”

“She only wants to say good-bye, ” Ms Gold assured me.

As Ms Gold and I slowly made our way out of the courtroom, I could see ahead of us that Mother was crying, too. Ms Gold nudged me forward. I hesitated until I felt sure that Ms Gold would stay nearby. The closer I walked to Mother, the more I cried. Part of me didn’t want to leave her. Mother’s arms opened wide. I ran into them. Mother hugged me as if I were a baby. Her feelings were sincere.

Mother let go, took my hand and led me to her car. I felt no fear. At the station wagon Mother loaded me up with new clothes and lots of toys. I was astounded. My mouth hung open as Mother continued to fill my arms.

My voice cracked as I said good-bye to my brothers, who shook their heads in response. I felt like a traitor, and I thought they hated me for exposing the family secret.

“I’m going to miss you, ” Mother cried.

Before I could think, I replied, “I’ll miss you, too.”

As happy as I was for the judge’s decision, I became filled with sadness. I felt torn between my freedom and being separated from Mother and the family. Everything was too good to be true – my freedom, the new clothes, the toys. But the thing I cherished most was the warmth of Mother’s hug.

“I’m so sorry about everything, ” I sobbed. “I really am. I didn’t mean to tell.”

“It’s not your …” Mother began. Her eyes changed. “It’s all right.” Mother’s voice became firm. “Now listen to me. You have another chance. This is a new beginning for you. I want you to be a good boy.”

“I will, ” I said, as I wiped away my tears.

“No!” she stated in a cold voice. “I mean it! You have got to be a good boy! A better boy!”

I looked into her swollen eyes. I felt that Mother wanted the best for me. I realized that before Mother went into the courtroom, she had already predicted the outcome.

“I’ll be good. I’ll try real hard, ” I said, as I squared my shoulders like I did back in the basement years ago. “I’ll make you proud of me. I’ll try my best to make you proud.”

“That’s not important, ” Mother stated. Before she sent me away, she gave me a final hug. “Have a happy life.”

I turned away sniffling. I didn’t look back. I thought about what Mother had last said.
Have a happy life.
I felt as if she were giving me away. I almost collapsed when I reached Ms Gold, who helped me load her car with my prized possessions. We stood together as Mother drove off. I waved to everyone, but only Mother returned my gesture. Her window was rolled up, but I watched Mother’s lips as she repeated, “Have a happy life.”

“How about an ice cream?” Ms Gold asked, breaking the tension.

I stood up straight and smiled. “Yes, ma’am!”

Pam gently took my hand, wrapping her long fingers around mine, and led me to the cafeteria. We strolled past the other cars and a few scattered trees. I caught a whiff of the trees’ scent. Then I stopped to gaze at the sun. I stood still for a moment, taking in my surroundings. A soft wind blew through my hair. I didn’t shiver. The grass was a bright yellow-green. I knew that my world was different now.

Ms Gold stopped to look at the sun, too. “David, are you going to be all right?”

“Yes!” I smiled. “I just don’t want to forget this first day of the rest of my life!”

After the effects of the trial had worn off, my insides became numb.

I fully realized that Mother could not physically harm me. But I still felt an eerie sensation that told me Mother was somewhere out there, coiled like a rattlesnake, waiting to reach out and strike with a vengeance.

But another part of me felt that I would never see Mother or my brothers again. I became confused, sensing that I didn’t deserve to live with them, that I was unworthy and that Mother had thrown me away. I tried my best to tell myself that through the wonder of the county’s social services and the court system, I had a new lease on my life. I tried my best to isolate my past, to bury my dark experiences deep inside my heart. Like a light switch, I imagined myself flicking off my entire past.