The Lost Girl (28 page)

I had never witnessed such a tremendous display of glory like this. I thought about all the extraordinary, unworldly things I could now witness with Vigil’s powers, all the realities I could see, all the adventures I could experience. I had unlimited possibilities to live now.
Unlimited power.

A sudden revelation struck me right there and then.

Vigil had always been in love with the idea of being “human”. It was his unspoken dream, and now he could experience it just like he’d always wanted. He could stay human.

And I could stay like this. There was no one to say I could not. I could do whatever I wanted. And I wanted this power for myself.

“It is beautiful, isn’t it?” Sky asked, suddenly by my side.

She stood like me, watching the sky, with a glint in her fathomless black eyes.

I nodded as I watched, still in awe.
I could be deadly and powerful, just like this sun. No one would ever hurt me again. No one would ever break my heart.

“So, you’re a Gray Hooded One now, eh?” she asked, and chuckled before I could answer. “Life really is never boring around you, Gray, I’ll give you that,” she said, turning away from the sun and looking at me. “You need to be going now, Gray One. He’s beginning to panic down there without you. You’d better hurry.”

I nodded again and, remembering the ritual Vigil used to do around Sky, I bowed slightly as a farewell gesture. She bowed back, chuckling gently at me, and before I disappeared I heard her say, “I’ll see you soon, Joey.”

And then I was back again in the desert place where I had left Vigil.

Vigil was crouched on the floor, hunched down and cradling his wounded arm close to his chest. He had his back to me so didn’t notice that I had returned. He looked so frail and small, so filled with despair. I walked silently towards him and knelt down in front of him. “Vigil,” I said, making him snap his head up.

“Y-you came back,” he whispered. “I-I thought you were going to leave me here …”

I watched as his eyes searched for something in mine. He looked so scared. Did he really think I would leave him to perish in this desert?

“How long have I been gone?” I asked. Time back at Sky’s desert ran differently from here. It could have been hours or just a few seconds.

He shook his head. “No, you were gone for just a few minutes. I-I … panicked. I-I was scared,” he confessed.

“Don’t be scared. You don’t need to worry any more. I
took care
of Nick,” I told him.

He held his breath in surprise. “D-did you kill him?”

I stood up and took a few steps around him, surveying the place. “Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters!” Vigil stood up as well. “The mission was to catch him, not kill him! And how can we find out the key to making the glass ball work if you’ve killed him? He was the only one who knew. Please tell me you did not kill him. You need him to switch us back to normal,” he shouted, anguished, his wounded arm clutched tightly against his body, drenching his T-shirt with blotches of deep red.

“Why do we need to switch back?” I asked, turning to look at him.

“W-what?”

“We can stay like this, you know. Isn’t it what you always wanted, Vigil? You can stay human, live a ‘normal’ life, like you always dreamed of doing. And I can keep your power. I don’t mind staying this way.”

“This power is my responsibility. It is my burden to bear, not yours,” he said in a cautious tone.

“It is not a burden to me; I don’t mind,” I reassured him.

“It will be. Believe me, it will. Not only a burden, it will deform and destroy everything good in you; it will tear you apart inside. It is already doing it; can’t you see how it is changing you?” he said, raising his voice. “It is not meant for humankind to bear, Joey. Your emotions are too strong; they render my power too unstable and volatile. You think you can control it? It is already controlling you!”

I shrugged and turned my back to him.
“You underestimate me, Vigil. This power … it is strong, but I can control it. I’m not used to it, but I will be, just give me time and you will see.”
His words stirred up trembles inside me, and my voice grew huskier.

“Joey, please, listen to me. I know what I am talking about; you cannot continue like this. This power is stronger than your will, and very soon it will corrupt you completely. And when it finally takes over, it will make you lose control of all your actions. How many times has it tried to do it already? How many times have you lost your grip on what is real? On what is right and wrong? As soon as it breaks loose, it will unleash all its force; it will destroy everyone you once held dear in your life. It will destroy everything. It will destroy you!” he said, urgency filling his voice. “You cannot keep this power!”

“I cannot?”
I leered.
“I can do whatever I want, Vigil. With this power, no one can ever tell me what to do ever again. There is nothing you can do to stop me,”
I growled.
“Look at me! Look what I can do,”
I said, and spread my arms wide, letting all the pure, blasting energy pulse through my body, igniting my blood again. A rush of excitement and exhilaration sparked, making red flames burst through my skin; but the fire did not burn me. I was just like Sky’s alien sun, deadly and powerful. Nothing could stand in my way. I could let it all burn if I wanted to. Something inside whispered soothingly, seductively …

Let it burn.

“Look what I can become. I can be a goddess, Vigil. There will be no limits to what I can do,”
I exclaimed, while the flames around me intensified.

“This is not you talking, Joey! This is my power taking over your mind, like I told you it would,” he warned me, taking a step back, scared of the flames around me.

“Ah, but it
is
me, Vigil. This is all me. It has always been a part of me, hidden deep inside, but it is me. This voice whispering in my head has always been mine. This
power is only making it louder, stronger – but the voice is all my own,”
I said, and waved my hand, watching the fire dance over my skin. The scorched red earth crackled beneath me.

“No,” Vigil said firmly, a deadly certainty in his words. “I know you, Joe Gray. I know who you are. You are losing yourself, but you have to remember. Remember your name, Joe Gray. Remember who you are,” he repeated, his hard eyes fixed on me.

“This is a new Joey. A better Joey. More powerful, invincible, indestructible,”
I said, and let a wave of power erupt out of me, fierce flames bursting high up in the sky, the floor shaking and thundering beneath our feet.

Vigil stumbled back a few steps, gasping loudly, his eyes wide and scared as he witnessed – as a human – the huge force of this incredible power that once was his.

“This is not you, Joey. The real Joey is somewhere in there, fighting to be heard, struggling to surface! She is in there, trying to do what is right. Listen to what she is saying!” he shouted. “You are still in there, Joey. I know you are. I have faith in you to do the right thing.”

“I don’t care about right or wrong any more.”
I laughed maniacally.
I was above judgment now.

“That is not true. You still know the difference between right and wrong. That is why you did not kill Nick, am I right? I know you didn’t!” he shouted.

I paused, the flames diminishing with my hesitancy.
“I wanted to.”

“But you didn’t. Joe Gray would never kill a living being. Joe Gray would never take a life. You do care. You still care. There is still hope. We can still fix this.”

I hesitated for a second and something snarled inside my
mind.
He’s tricking you; he wants the power for himself. Don’t fall for his lies!

Vigil never lied to me. I trust him.

You can’t fool yourself, silly girl; you know what you really want, what your heart truly desires.

He was right: I would never kill anything.
But you wanted to, so badly. You know you did! You wanted to destroy it all.

Yes. I did. I’d wanted to kill those men in that park. I’d wanted to kill Nick; I’d wanted to watch him burn in Sky’s desert.
I’d wanted to so much.

But I didn’t do it. I couldn’t.

I shook my head, trying to clear my mind.
“That only proves I’m capable of controlling this power. I have it under control.”

“No, you do not. You will eventually slip and then it will take you over. You cannot fight this force for much longer, Joey. You know how strong it is, how badly it wants to break free.”

I remembered the rattling chains, the whispering in my mind, relentless and never-ending. I remembered how many times it had urged me to destroy it all. How badly it craved chaos and pain. For how long would I be able to drown and silence these cries inside my head? How long until I finally give in to those urges?

The flames around me lowered and smouldered softly.

Vigil continued speaking. “Think about everything you would lose if you choose to stay this way. You cannot have both worlds: you cannot be human, and have a human life, and still keep these powers. You would have to give up your family, your friends, everyone you love …” He took a step closer to me. “You would have to give up your whole life and everyone in it. I know how
happy they make you feel. Are you ready to lose all that, Joey?”

“They would understand. They would move on with their lives without me. It wouldn’t matter; life will still go on,”
I said, my voice sounding unattached.

“What about Tristan? Can you give up on him too? Can you forget about your love? Or does that not matter, either? Can you accept never being with him again, Joey?” he asked. “All these fights you two have had, because you have my powers; it is messing with your head, with your connection. If you were your normal self, you would have listened to him. You would have understood and forgiven him. He is your soulmate. Will you still choose
this
over
him
?” His voice cracked as he finished.

I hesitated again but shook my head.
“I am tired of letting his chains imprison me. I have freed myself from his hold. I am free now.”

“You were never a prisoner. These are not chains, they are connections, can’t you see? You are breaking them apart and rupturing the strings that interwined your souls. If you keep my powers, you will sever them all.”

“Humanity only makes me weak. Pathetic. I am better this way.”

“No, you are not. This way you will lose everything that makes you
you
. You think you are weak because you are human? You are too blinded by promises of power to see clearly. You conquered me with your humanity, Joe Gray. Like this, you are powerful … scary … but nothing more.” He shook his head, holding in an anguished sob. “And if you really choose to stay this way … you will lose something you cannot replace. The very humanity that captured me – my loyalty, my friendship, my … love. And it would be my
fault,” he said in a frail voice, his knees buckling. He sank down to the ground.

“I would not be able to continue living knowing what I had done to you,” Vigil said. “I would not. I will not,” he said, tears streaming down his face. “So you’d better just kill me, then, Gray One. You might as well do it, right here, right now. If you want to keep these powers, you must be merciless, remember that.” His head hung low; his eyes stared at his bloody arm, which lay across his lap.

I stared at him for a few seconds.
“I am sorry, Vigil,”
I said simply.

He looked at me despairingly, his eyes filling with tears. “You said you are ready to give up on your humanity. Kill me to prove you are right.”

I stared at him, unblinkingly. When I spoke, my voice came out cold and filled with suspicion:
“Are you testing me? Is this a trick?”

“Prove to me you are right, Gray One,” he said. “Or I will do it myself.”

“I can lock you somewhere safe, where you can’t hurt yourself.”

He shrugged lightly, not caring any more.

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I would have to make him a prisoner. Or even worse, watch him take his own life. I knew if I refused to do it, he would do it himself. I couldn’t stop him, just as he couldn’t stop me right now. No matter how powerful I was, I couldn’t change his decision. Those were the only options I had.

And they were all too horrible for me to bear.

The starkness of Vigil’s ultimatum, of the choice I had to make, pierced through to the core of me. I felt the stirring of feeling I’d buried; I felt the burgeoning of my old self.
But still the voices swirled inside my head, tugging at me, tempting me with their promise of power.

I knelt down in front of Vigil, soft flames still burning through my skin, and I tilted his head up to make him look at me. “You are cornering me into surrender, forcing me to give up.”

He blinked, trying to clear tears from his eyes. “I give you my word that I am not. I am telling you the truth. I can’t keep living, not like this.”

“You love being human.”

“I do. But I can’t be human, not after this. This is my responsibility and I will pay for it. Your humanity for my human life: it is a fair punishment. I don’t blame you for anything that happens after this, Joey. This is not your fault. And I … I am sorry … for everything.” He whispered the last part, his voice broken.

I cupped his face with one hand. “I am sorry, too, Vigil. I never meant to hurt you like this.” Then I leaned in and gave him a soft kiss.

He wasn’t expecting it; he froze in surprise. But then he kissed me back, a kiss filled with so much sorrow.

When I pulled away, he remained still, and then opened his eyes slowly. “Was that a goodbye kiss?” he asked quietly.

“It was a thank you kiss,” I replied, and put my hands lightly over his. “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”

He nodded slowly and closed his eyes, waiting in resignation for his fate, which I now held in my hands.