The Lost Saint (8 page)

I thought about what Daniel had said about his believing that I could be a hero. And I wished beyond all wishes that he were right—that I had the ability to
keep the promise I had just made to James. I wished I really were capable of protecting everyone I loved.

I glanced over at my backpack in the doorway, remembering my Trenton application tucked inside of it. James snored slightly next to me, looking innocent and helpless, but what would he be like if I hadn’t been here to quiet his cries?

And that was when it hit me: even if I beat out April and Katie, even if Trenton decided to let both Daniel and me in, I still couldn’t go.

Any possibility of my going to Trenton, or to college at all, had been destroyed the day Jude ran away. What with my dad always gone looking for him, and Mom’s manic-depressive state. And wouldn’t Mom just get worse when I went off to school? Who would watch over Baby James? A part-time housekeeper wasn’t the same as a mother or a sister. And how could I leave Charity with all this to deal with on her own? She was the smart one in the family—practically all she ever did was homework—and it wouldn’t be fair if I ruined her future by taking off just like Jude.

Trenton was everything Daniel wanted, and everything I couldn’t have.

And I hated Jude for taking it away from me.

SATURDAY MORNING

I woke up stiff and sore from a cramped sleep in James’s toddler bed around four thirty in the morning. I slipped out of his room, hoping he’d sleep another couple of hours, and crawled into my own bed. But I tossed and turned, and no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t block out the dream that had woken me in first place.

What was strange was that I had dreamed of a happy memory: the weekend Daniel, Jude, and I went fishing with my dad at Grandpa Kramer’s cabin about five years ago. Daniel had been living with us at the time, and I dreamed about how he used to tease me, and how I’d eat up every second of his attention. And how Jude had declared that he was happy that Daniel was part of our family now—and how he hoped that was the way it would always be.

It was a dream about the way things were once, and
the way they should have always been—but it haunted me like the worst of any nightmare.

I finally got out of bed and went to the stack of Masonite boards next to my desk. I pulled out one painting at a time until I found the one I’d been working on the night Jude ran away. It was a picture of Jude from that fishing trip to Grandpa Kramer’s pond. I’d fallen asleep at my desk while working on the painting, and was awoken several hours later by my mother’s screams. She’d found Jude’s note on the table, the one that said he was leaving, and her mental state had not been quite solid since.

I set the painting on my desk and looked it over. The background was there, and I’d roughed in the basic colors for Jude. I’d been practicing a new technique Daniel had taught me, trying to distract myself while I waited for news from the hospital about his condition. But when I found out Jude had left, I couldn’t bring myself to finish the project. Maybe I was just waiting for the right moment—waiting for him to come back.

I opened my desk drawer and pulled out a rubber-banded bundle of photos. I found the snapshot of Jude I’d been working from and put it on top of the painting. Then I flipped through the rest of the pictures until I found the one I was looking for. In it, Daniel, Jude, and I all sat on a boulder by the pond. Our half-eaten lunches sat on our laps, and our arms were wrapped around one another’s shoulders. Jude made a gesture
with one of his hands—three fingers extended. I’d almost forgotten about that. It was the sign we made up that spring for our little pack: THREE MUSKETEERS FOREVER.

I pulled that photo out and held it for a while.

Last night I’d decided I couldn’t go to college because of everything that was happening. Last night I thought I hated Jude. But now I knew the real reason I couldn’t go to college, the real reason I couldn’t leave home: because I’d promised myself that when Jude came back, I’d be here to help him the way I’d helped Daniel.

Everyone kept telling me not to go looking for Jude. Like it was the one thing they expected me to do. Maybe that’s because they knew that’s what I
should
be doing?

I didn’t have enough control over my powers to physically fight anyone yet—what happened yesterday with Pete and his friends proved that—but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try to find Jude. I could still help him. Maybe if I got him to come home. Figured out how to help him get his life back, the way I’d helped Daniel—the way I promised I would—then maybe Dad would stop leaving, and Mom would level out, and maybe my family would be like it had been in my dream. The way we’d all wanted it to be forever.

And then maybe, just maybe, I could even start thinking about going to college. About having a future of my very own.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

I stood outside the old hardwood door, my hand perched just above the weathered wood, unsure if I had the nerve to go through with this plan. Something that had happened yesterday kept playing out in my mind all morning, pushing me in this direction until I was standing on this doorstep. But I didn’t know if I was ready for the answers I might get if somebody actually answered the door.

I knew I’d promised not to go looking for Jude on my own. But I hadn’t planned on going alone. I’d have Daniel with me. At least, that had been the original plan.

Only Daniel wasn’t answering his phone. I’d called him three times, to no avail. I wondered if his phone had been damaged more than we’d originally thought and had finally petered out, so I decided to go over to his place to tell him my idea.

However, I was halfway there when he finally called me back.

“I’m sick,” he said, his voice sounding distant.

“It’s probably because you wouldn’t let me take you to the hospital. You’ve probably got an infection.”

“I
did
go to the hospital. I’ve got the stitches to prove it. And I probably picked up some bug while I was there.”

“Oh.” Suddenly, it felt like he was blaming me for his illness. “I can bring you some soup. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“No,” he said a little too abruptly. “Leave me alone.”

“What?” My voice caught a bit in my throat.

Daniel sighed into the phone. “Sorry. I don’t know what … I don’t know if I’m contagious. Just stay away, okay?”

“But there’s no one there to take care of you,” I said. “When was the last time you were even sick anyway?”

That was one of the few benefits of being an Urbat—I hadn’t even had so much as a sniffle in the last ten months. Daniel probably hadn’t been sick a day in his life in the last eighteen years. A common cold might knock him flat.

“I can take care of myself.”

I sighed. “Just tell me you aren’t trying to avoid me on purpose. Are you still mad at me for what happened with Pete?”

“No, Gracie,” he said. “I was never mad at you in the first place. I just feel like sleeping all day. And you
know you’re not really supposed to be inside my place. I mean, what could you even do to help me?”

I still felt terrible about last night, and it made me feel worse that he wouldn’t let me help him now. But if that’s the way he wanted it, I wasn’t going to force myself into his apartment.

“Okay. But call me if you need anything.”

“Yeah. Okay. Bye.”

“Oh, and I have something to tell you—” I said, but Daniel hung up before I even finished. I thought about calling him back and telling him my plan, but since he was so sick, I didn’t want him thinking he had to come along.

I might not have been able to stop Daniel from getting hurt, or help him feel better now, but I was tired of standing idly by. I needed to
do
something before I went crazy. I tucked my phone into my bag, turned the car around at the next light, and headed to the place where I was now.

Trepidation filled me as I stood outside the door, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me from getting answers. I mean, we used to be best friends. What’s the worst she could do anyway: slam the door in my face? I knocked and waited almost a full minute before the door opened.

“Hey,” I said.

April looked at me for a long moment, like she was
actually
contemplating slamming the door. But then
she crossed her arms in front of her chest and said, “Hey.” She waited another few seconds. “What do you want?”

“Jude,” I said. “I need to find him, and I think you know where he is.”

A FEW MINUTES LATER, UP IN APRIL’S BEDROOM

“You know where Jude is, don’t you?” I asked April as soon as she shut her bedroom door behind us.

April glanced sideways at the computer on her desk and then looked back at me. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know anything about Jude being back.”

“Then how did you know he’s back?”

“Because …” Her gaze shifted toward her computer again.

“You overheard my conversation with Daniel yesterday morning, didn’t you?”

April looked down at her hands.

That was the thing that had been bugging me all morning. The way April had been acting yesterday, I was pretty sure she’d overheard what Daniel and I had said about Jude’s being back. And she seemed only mildly surprised. Then it seemed like she’d wanted to tell me something important, reconsidered, and now was trying to hide that something from me.

“Jude called me from
inside
Daniel’s apartment. He was back here in Rose Crest two nights ago, but you already knew that, didn’t you?”

“He called
you?
” April folded her arms and leaned against her desk, the top of which was littered with beads, what I assumed were fake gems, metal charms, and what looked like fishing line. There were even a pair of little pliers and a large magnifying glass. “I don’t believe that.”

“Why? He’s
my
brother.”

“Because you’re the reason he left.”

“I know.” I couldn’t help rubbing the scar that hid under my sleeve. I’d always figured Jude left because of what he did to me.

“After what you did to him, I’m surprised he’d ever want to talk to you again.” April put her hands on her hips. “I know I didn’t.”

“Wait, what
I
did to
him?
” I asked.

All this time I thought April had been avoiding me because she was still freaked out by all the things she saw in the parish that terrible night, but it was really because she blamed me for Jude’s leaving?

“He told me he left because you betrayed him for Daniel,” April said. “Daniel tried to kill your own brother, and you still sided with that stupid dog boy. You and your dad act like Daniel’s some sort of angel, but he’s really just a wolf in sheep’s clothing.” April picked up a purple bead from her desk and held it
between her thumb and forefinger. “I know what Daniel is, Grace. And I know what he did to Jude.”

Dog boy. Wolf in sheep’s clothing
.