The Lost Truth (16 page)

Katie went red in embarrassment.

“No. It’s not what you think. I’m not with Gail.” I grabbed Katie’s hand to keep her with me a moment longer.

She pulled away and said in a shaken voice, “I have to mingle. It was nice seeing you, Clay.” She abruptly turned and walked away.

My jaw clenched in anger as I saw her weave through the crowd upset and broken over what had just happened.

“I’m telling Mom.” Cindy crossed her arms and began to pout.

Getting down to her eye level, I grabbed her hands and gently held them in mine as I looked her in the eyes. “I know you’re mad and confused and hurt right now, dear.”

“Yeah! Because you’re kissing other girls that aren’t Mom!”

Smoothing my thumbs across the top of her small hands, I said, “I know.” Leaning forward, I kissed her forehead. This wasn’t the place to explain to my little girl why her mother and I couldn’t be together. Personally, I felt like she was too young to be told or made to understand any of this, but Gail brought her into it, so something had to be explained to her.

We left soon after, and I took her back to her mother at the Four Seasons hotel. We didn’t talk in the car about her mother and me not being together. I wanted to speak with Gail beforehand.

Getting up to the room Gail was staying in, I knocked.

“Daddy . . . can I come to your house?” Cindy asked.

“Tomorrow, dear.” I smiled down at her.

Gail opened the door.

Cindy went past her and got into her bag that was sitting on the floor next to the bed. I smiled as I looked at her for a moment, and Gail said, “Did you think about it?”

Breaking away from Cindy, I looked at Gail. “We need to talk.”

“I’m really tired, Clay. Could we do this tomorrow?”

I nodded. “Come out to Janice’s.” Looking past her, I said, “I love you, Cindy.”

“Love you too, Daddy!” she said as she pulled out a pony from her bag.

“Okay. Have a good night.” Gail shut the door and I left.

G
ail and Cindy came out to Janice’s house the next day. Cindy took to the field to play with the cats while Gail and I took a seat on the porch. I smiled as I watched Cindy sneak up on the calico cat. Gail brushed my arm with her hand.

“Did you give it any more thought? Me and you? Just like it used to be?”

“I invited you out here to talk for a reason.”

“I don’t like that tone. You sounded more sincere last night when you dropped Cindy off at the hotel.”

Adjusting in my seat, I shook my head. “Gail. You should have never brought her into our mess.” Seeing Cindy kick a patch of dirt up in the field, I continued. “She’s just a kid. She doesn’t need to know what’s going on between us.”

“It’s her life too, Clay.”

“Yeah. But I wasn’t married to Cindy.” Leaning on the arm of the chair toward Gail, I said, “It’s between me and you.”

“Okay.”

A stream of memories flowed through me of a life I once knew with Gail and Cindy as I conjured the words to speak. “There were plenty of good times in our marriage.”

She smiled and touched my arm again, but I pulled away.

“But it’s over. You left me. You divorced me, Gail.”

“Yeah, but you’ve gotten better. I divorced the man who couldn’t get out of a bottle. You now remind me so much of the old you, the one I married. I want to be with you again.”

Shaking my head, I said, “That’s not how the vows went down. That’s not for better or worse. That’s for better, or I’m going to leave and come back when it’s better again.”

“I know I made mistakes, but you can’t hold my past against me.”

I could see the fear in her eyes as she hung on every word I said. I didn’t want to be mean. I didn’t want to mess things up more in the relationship between Cindy and me. “You want to be with me because of the good progress I’ve made in the last few months. Doesn’t that seem wrong to you, Gail?”

She sat back in her chair and looked out to the field where Cindy was playing. The wheels were cranking in her mind, and I could tell that by the way she tapped her finger against her leg. It was something I had picked up on over the years. Looking over at me, she said, “I just want life to be the way it used to be. Ya know? Summer barbeques out back, our friends over and the kids playing in the pool. The simple times. The good times. As a family.”

There wasn’t much I understood about Gail anymore, but I did understand that longing for the past. “I know. I want that too, but it’s not realistic. There’s been too much that has happened. You broke our wedding vows. You left me. There’s been too much. We can’t return to the past. It’s impossible to rewind time to before all that happened.”

She tapped her finger against her leg a bit more as she kept quiet. Then tears began to stream down her cheeks. “What are we going to do about Cindy?” She looked over at me. “I can’t raise her alone. I know you’re sending money now, but she needs a dad.”

“Move back to Spokane. Let me be a father to her again.”

“My teaching job, though. I don’t know if I can find work.”

I shook my head. “You’ll figure it out. And I’ll help you with money. Just move back.”

“I’m scared.” Tears continued as she stood up and went over to the railing. Standing up, I walked over and joined her.

Cindy was now dancing in the dirt patch she found in the field. She circled one of the cats as she dangled a long piece of grass in front of it so it could play.

“I’m scared too. But we can’t let the fears we have hold us back in life. You believe in God.”

She laughed and brought her hands together, clasping them tightly. “My life and decisions sure don’t reflect it. I haven’t taken Cindy to church since we moved out. Just can’t muster the courage to try one.”

“You’re saved by grace, not by what you’ve done. You know what happened to me in that trailer park.” I shook my head as I continued. “I killed someone, Gail. I’m a testimony that God has enough grace for people to cover
anything
that they do wrong.”

“That’s true. And you have come through it.” She looked out to Cindy again. “We’ll do it.” She turned and looked at me. “My sister, Elly, has a spare room since her daughter went off to college. I’m sure she’d let me stay there until I get things put together.”

“There ya go. God will provide and take care of you. And you’ll have some income from my child support also.”

Rubbing the wood grain of the railing, she kept nodding. “I can do this, not just for me, but for Cindy.” Cindy giggled as the cats ran away from her in the field, seeming not to have a care in the world. It was nice to enjoy the precious moment with the only other person in this world who would love Cindy as much as I do.

After Cindy and Gail went back to the hotel to swim and enjoy the hot tub that evening, Janice came home. When she walked through the door, I was sitting on the couch, staring at my cellphone on the coffee table and debating on whether to call Katie.

“You can’t will her to call you. Buck up and just call the woman! We like it when the man takes the action first.” Janice cut through the living room and into the kitchen. “Did you eat already?”

“We barbequed hot dogs.”

Janice stopped before heading down the hallway. Turning to me, she asked, “Did you talk to Gail?” I had filled her in on everything that happened the night before.

I nodded.

“And?”

“She’s going to move back to Spokane.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, she said, “That’s great. Why aren’t you happier about that?”

Looking up from the cellphone at Janice, I shrugged. “There’s a certain aspect of a great loss associated with it all. We had a life together for a long time, and now it’s just gone. It’s just a memory. A life that once was and is no longer.”

I could tell she was thinking about Paul in that moment as she touched her ring finger that was bare. “Life changes and we change. It’s a weird thing.” Her eyes fell back on my cellphone. “Just call her, Clay. You have nothing to lose.” Janice left down the hallway.

Picking up the phone, I dialed Katie. It went to voicemail so I hung up.
She probably doesn’t want all the drama.

Standing up, I left the living room and went out onto the back porch. The sun had already gone down, and when I stepped outside, I noticed a shadowy object on the railing. Flipping on the porch light from inside, I squinted for a better look as I stepped back out onto the porch. It looked like a pile of rocks or something. Shutting the door behind me, I walked over to the railing.

It was a Puka necklace. Picking it up in my hands, I inspected it. “Where’d this come from?” I asked myself out loud.

“Hawaii,” Katie said, coming around the corner of the house and out of the dark.

Jerking my head as she scared me, I made eye contact with her. She had a pair of jeans on, a light blue tee shirt, and a hoodie.

I was without words.

She walked over to the porch and came up the steps. “I bought that for you. When I came home, I was planning on asking you out on a date. Unconventional, I know, but I didn’t care. I wanted to be with you, Clay.”

“Why all the avoidance? The distance? The avoided phone calls?”

“You needed time. I saw that once Cindy left, you weren’t in a good place between your drinking and family matters. I just knew it was the best thing to do.”

Looking out from the porch and into the field, I closed my eyes. “You were there that day Kip died.”

“I know.”

“You left.”

“I know.”

Opening my eyes, I looked over at her. “How’s leaving when I need you helpful?” I shook my head.

Katie came over to the railing as I leaned my arms across it and placed a hand on my back. “I didn’t leave you because I didn’t like you. I left you because I was in love with you. We kissed under the stars. Then when I went to Hawaii, I found myself thinking of you constantly. When I came back, it would have only escalated from there, and I wanted you to come to me because you wanted to, not because I was there and convenient.”

Squinting as I looked into the darkness of the night, I shook my head. “You ignored my calls.”

“You needed time.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about that. You basically thought you knew what was best for me.”

Katie shrugged. “I did what I thought was right.”

I glanced down at the shells that were neatly tied together to make the necklace she brought back from Hawaii for me. I didn’t like that she did what she did, but I couldn’t stay mad at her over it. I loved her. Smiling, I said, “Thank you.”

She leaned over my shoulder and kissed my cheek. “How about you take me out on a date?”

“Aggressive. And out of nowhere.”

She laughed. “Seeing you last night at the art showing made me realize how much I’m crazy about you, Clay.”

“Me too. We can go on a date tomorrow night. I’m going fishing in the morning and then working a mid. I’ll pick you up around seven?”

She smiled. “Sounds great.”

Leaning in, I brushed her hair behind her ear with one hand and smiled. I could feel the warmth in her eyes as I came closer. Pressing my lips against hers, my passion ignited like a wildfire. Warmth ran through my lips and into my being, filling me with a lightness I could describe no other way than
delightful
. The softness of her lips, the smell of her skin and the way time stood still in that moment overtook me.

U
ntying the rope that held Old Faithful to the dock the next morning, I gave a good push and sat back as my boat floated out into the depths of Long Lake out in Suncrest. It was early in the morning still, and the only noticeable sound was that of the water brushing up against the sides of the boat. Thanking God for the day and my life, I picked up my paddles and began to row down the lake.

Breath after breath escaped my lips as I got farther away from the docks and farther down the winding lake’s path. It was nice to be out on the water and alone in solitude. It felt different from the trips with Paul. There was more seclusion, more quietness and more peace. The only conversations I’d be having that morning would be with my Creator.

Coming around the first bend in the lake, I glanced back and saw the shoreline of the swimming area. It was fading quickly around the corner, and I began to think of the memories I had there with Katie and then with my daughter. Joy stirred within me as I smiled.

“Your ways are above mine. Help me never to forget that again,” I declared, looking up at the clear morning sky. I praised God continually as I rowed the lake.

Arriving near the tree that draped over the water just around the corner, I pulled my paddles into the boat and rigged my fishing pole. Casting my lure into the water, I reeled it in slightly and then sat back. Setting my pole up so I could wait for a bite, I pulled my Bible out from my backpack and began reading.

Paul decided to stop in on my shift later that day. I had just finished stacking a shelf and was in the middle of dumping cardboard out back when he approached.

“Looks like it might storm,” he said, glancing up as he walked up to me.

Tossing the boxes into the recycling dumpster, I turned to him and gazed up. “Yep. Some cloud cover moved in.”

“Hey. My roomie, Larry, just moved out. I know you were looking for a place . . .”

My eyebrows shot up. “Really? What happened?”

“He’s moving back east to live with his parents.”

Lowering a brow in concern, I adjusted my footing. “Why on earth would he do that? He’s been living with you for years. Like what, eight or something like that?”

He laughed. “I know. He’s sick of the small town living and says his chances are better back home. Word on the street is that Lucy McCallister is available back home. Just got out of a nasty divorce, I heard. I think he’s going back for her, but he wouldn’t admit it.”

I laughed. “What’s the rent?”

“$400 even.”

“Wow. That’s cheap.”

He nodded. “I own the house and the mortgage payment is laughably cheap because of the interest rate. What do you say?”

“I don’t know . . . I’ll have to make sure it’s okay with Janice.”

“She’s fine with it. I called her about it because I knew you’d have reservations like that.”

This would work perfectly. I could be out of my sister’s house. I’d have my own living space. I already knew he had room in his oversized shed for my boat, and I’d have no problem keeping up with my child support payments with that kind of low rent. Extending a hand out, I said, “Deal.”

He shook my hand. “Awesome! You can move in whenever. He just left last night. I wanted to make sure he was out before I offered you anything.”

“I appreciate it. I’ll probably move tomorrow. I’m off.”

“Great.”

The side door opened, and my manager stuck his head out. “Clay. We have a spill on aisle three. Could you come clean it?”

“Just a moment,” I replied. Turning to Paul, I said, “I’ll be in touch. Thanks again.”

He nodded and we parted ways. Paul had turned from someone I once despised into my best friend. He never judged me for the choices I made, and we had a mutual respect for each other in a way that I cherished. He not only listened to what I said, he also appreciated our conversations, and I was thankful to God for sending a friend like that into my life. An unusual friendship born out of a difficult storm became a friendship I’d forever remember.

The rain was pouring down that evening as I pulled up the driveway at Katie’s house down on Tremont Avenue, just a few blocks up from the old folks’ home she worked at. As I dodged puddles up the path to her door, I used my coat as a shield against the downpour.

Ringing the doorbell, I was practically hugging the screen door as I tried to stay under the small overhang that kept the water off me. When the door opened, Katie began laughing immediately.

I joined her in a laugh and then asked, “Won’t you invite me in?”

“If you get out of the way,” she said with a smile on her face.

Stepping backwards, I stepped directly under the running water that was pouring from the eve’s crest. She erupted in more laughter. “Come on. Come in!” she shouted, waving me in as she pushed the screen door open.

Darting through the doorway, I got inside and started wiping the excess rain off my head, coat and face. “It’s really coming down out there!” I looked into her eyes and I saw love. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me in for a passionate kiss.

Our lips met, and our souls meshed in the moment. My lips pressed against hers, and I knew it was right. It felt like home, a place I never wanted to leave. Katie knew me for the person I was and the person I am now. She accepted it all, flaws and all.

Releasing from our kiss, she grinned. “I was thinking about doing that all day. I’ll only be a few more minutes.” She hurried around the couch and down a hallway out of sight.

Walking farther into her living room, I saw pictures hanging on the walls. Glancing down the hall, there was no sight of Katie, so I decided to inspect them out of curiosity. Amongst the pictures of family members and friends, I noticed a few familiar faces from the old days of growing up and going to church together.

Then I saw it.

It was a picture of Missy.

My heart began pounding as confusion set across my mind. As Katie came back out from the hallway, I looked over at her with a blank look of confusion.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she said as she came down the hall. “I was going to tonight. At dinner. I swear.”

“Tell me what? How did you know Missy?” Stepping closer to her, my jaw clenched. Speaking through my teeth, I asked, “How did you know her, Katie?”

Katie turned and went into the kitchen. I followed after her. She reached up to open a cupboard, but I pushed it shut. “She was my little girl!” Katie shouted before darting under my arm as my hand pressed against the cupboard. She ran out the back door.
Her little girl?

Walking to the door she ran out of, I opened it and saw her sitting on the steps under an eve. “How’s that possible? How did I not know this?” I asked as her back was facing me.

She didn’t reply.

Stepping out onto the concrete steps, I could hear Katie sobbing quietly. I sat down next to her.

Wiping her eyes, she looked over at me. “No one but John knows, and he promised to keep it a secret. I’ve gone to him for counseling ever since that day. I didn’t want you to know about it.” She looked over her shoulder at the open door. “I forgot I had that picture up there on the wall.”

“Why not tell me, though? Why not let others know Missy was yours?”

She began crying. “That day you came over to the trailer park, I was there. I was in the back room, passed out from doing too much heroin. I got bad into drugs after I moved back to Spokane after working in Florida the previous year.
Heroin addict
wasn’t exactly what I wanted circulating at the church.” She hid her face in her palms as she cried harder.

“I’m so sorry I screwed everything up that day.”

“It wasn’t your fault that Missy died. I don’t blame you at all. It was her time to go. God called her home, and as much as it hurts to say that, I know it’s the truth, Clay.”

My eyes began to water.

“I turned my life around that day. It changed me forever. It took me a while to understand that it was a good change. Even though it was the most horrible thing I’ve ever experienced, it made me realize how easy a life can be lost and how important a relationship with God is . . .” She choked up on her words as she continued and tears poured down her cheeks. “You see, Clay. If I would have . . . if I would have not shot up that morning, Missy could still be alive. I could have protected her if I wasn’t passed out in the back room of that trailer.” Katie covered her face as she cried more.

Wrapping my arm around her, I pulled her in close to me. I kissed the side of her head, and she laid her eyes against my shoulder and continued to cry. My heart split open, and I swear I could feel everything that she was feeling in that moment.

After a few minutes passed, she turned her head as it was pressed against my chest so she could speak. “You did the best that you could that day. I care more about the fact that you stood up for Missy when she couldn’t stand up for herself.” Her lip trembled. “You stood up for her when I couldn’t.”

My eyes continued to water as I felt the sincerity of her words. My throat clenched and my chest tightened. Kissing Katie’s forehead, I smoothed my hand over her hair and held her a little closer. “I’m so sorry she’s gone, Katie. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s still so hard. I am ashamed of myself. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone. She was the light of my life during my darkest years, Clay. I miss her. I miss the memories we made together. And now, I’m afraid of losing the memories, just like I lost her.”

“Those days with Missy might be gone, but the memories will never fade.” Thinking back to Missy running down the hallway to her Sunday school class flashed through my mind. “Missy should be an inspiration to us all. She was so full of life and loved the Lord.”

“I know . . .” Katie sighed. “It’s so sad I was too drugged up in those days to appreciate her pure faith.” Snuggling up to my chest, she held me close. “I love you, Clay.”

“I love you too, Katie.”

As I looked across the backyard through pouring rain, I felt a peace wash over me. I had the joy of the Lord as I held Katie close to me.

While the realities of all our pasts change over time and become lost truths of days gone by, the truths of God never cease and never change.