The Lost Wife (9 page)

The lithe shapely body beneath him stilled suddenly. The incandescent amber gaze darkened. The hot silken purse that enveloped him clenched him tight again and again. ‘Jake …’ She whispered his name as though caught up in a spell, then drew him down to her again, buried her face in the hollow between his neck and shoulder.

The stunning thought that he must have done something good he wasn’t aware of to be rewarded with the pleasure of loving this incredible woman again crept up on him. The fresh realisation that she was the mother of his precious child hit him squarely in his gut, awakening almost primal feelings of possession and pride. This was Ailsa … the woman who’d stirred a wealth of passionate emotion in him he’d hardly known he possessed almost on sight … the woman who might have borne him a son if only—

He wasn’t quick enough to cut off the tide of pain and fury that accompanied the agonising memory. The power of it caught him on the raw and he thrust inside her so deep that his volatile feelings spilled over into his passion, his body jolting helplessly, as though swept away by a furious
current. In that drowning moment he surrendered all desire for control, simply let the force that carried him take him straight to the dizzying heart of its power. The feral cry that poured straight from his lungs when he got there was like a savage shout of pain. What shocked Jake even more was that as he cried out boiling tears submerged his eyes.

Breathing hard, he lowered his head, desperately trying to recover some composure, turning his face away from Ailsa so she wouldn’t see the evidence of his distress. But the consoling gentle hand on his forearm and the deep sigh that made the tiny hairs covering his skin immediately stand to attention told him that she
did
see.

‘What’s wrong? Jake, tell me
please
.’

He didn’t answer straight away. Still breathing hard, he lifted his body from hers. Moving to the side of the bed, he leaned over to reach for his discarded jeans. Delving into a back pocket, he removed his calf leather wallet. Hesitating for only a moment, he extricated the grainy black and white print he kept in one of the sections and handed it to her.

‘I just got to thinking about our son …
Thomas.
It was an early summer’s afternoon in Copenhagen when we—when we made him … remember? Not long after that we discovered you were pregnant. I kept the ultrasound photo you gave me after we’d been to the clinic. You see? I didn’t forget him. How could I? He was—he was my boy … the boy I didn’t get to see grow up …’

‘Oh, Jake … Jake …’

‘Remember how ecstatic we were when we found out the sex of the baby? We couldn’t believe how lucky we were to have a boy and a girl … the perfect little family.’

‘I know you didn’t forget him.’ Her hair falling round her face as she moved up onto her knees, Ailsa sounded
seriously shaken and Jake saw that her eyes were bathed in tears. ‘I never knew you kept this. I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression that I thought you didn’t care about our baby as much as I do.’

‘Maybe it was my fault because I never talked about it? It’s the way I was taught. Not by my mother, but by my father. He had the belief that it showed strength of character if a man kept his feelings to himself. My mother was the only one he ever let his guard down with, and even then probably not very often. Anyway, he’s gone too now and it’s all water under the bridge. He’s not coming back and neither is our son. And I can’t keep going back there … to that cold, dark time when we lost Thomas. It’s too hard. Can I have that?’ Swallowing across the pain inside his throat, Jake leaned forward to take the picture. Then he carefully returned it to his wallet. Shoving it back down into his jeans pocket, he lifted his head, his gaze squarely meeting Ailsa’s. ‘The other thing I can’t forget is how hurt you were. The sound of you crying out still haunts me.’

‘You were hurt too.’

Almost afraid to see the compassion in her eyes, he was all but ready to dismiss it.
How could he possibly be deserving of care or compassion after what he’d done?
he wondered. During the last six months, since he had become CEO of the company, due to his hard work and dedication their profits had gone through the roof—but he didn’t feel as proud of the fact as he once might have done. He’d just made one sacrifice too many to take any pleasure in it. And the burden of guilt at not protecting Ailsa and the baby seemed to grow heavier year by year, instead of lessening. Somehow he had to start to ease that burden. He didn’t exactly know
how,
but at least he was open to entertaining the idea at last.

‘It was a tough time for both of us,’ he remarked quietly.
‘But, like you said earlier when we spoke about the legacy we might be leaving Saskia, we have to find a way of moving on … agreed?’

‘Agreed.’

Ailsa’s smile was tinged with sadness, but hope also lingered in the softened amber glance Jake saw. Climbing back onto the bed, he gently took her into his arms. ‘We’ll stay here for a while, hmm?’ he suggested, dropping a warm kiss on the top of her head. ‘And when we’re ready we’ll talk some more.’

The promised continued conversation didn’t ever manifest itself.
Just a few minutes after Jake had folded Ailsa against his chest the sound of someone hammering on the front door made them guiltily spring apart.

‘Who can that be?’

‘I’m sorry, baby, but I’m not psychic. Why don’t you go and see? And when you find out, tell them you’re busy.’

Ailsa’s heart pounded—not just with shock at the unexpected sound of the door knocker shattering the peace that had enveloped them, but because of the possessive inflection she clearly heard in Jake’s tone.

‘Were the roads any clearer when you went out this morning?’ she asked him urgently, even as she reached for her discarded clothes and hastily pulled them on—not the easiest thing to accomplish when his blue eyes were observing her bare form with a hotly lascivious glint. ‘I mean … were there any signs that there might be vehicles getting through?’

‘The ice was melting a little, but I didn’t see any car tracks. If it does thaw tonight then I can probably get to the airport tomorrow and catch a flight home. Who do you think is at the door? Not that ever so helpful neighbour of yours again, I hope?’

Silently reeling at the idea of Jake leaving the next day,
Ailsa took a second to get her bearings. ‘If it is Linus then I don’t want you to be rude to him. Why don’t you just wait here? I’ll be—I’ll be back in a minute.’

As she self-consciously tucked her hair behind her ear, due to the disconcerting interest Jake was still displaying in her body, Ailsa prayed that it wasn’t Linus calling. If it
was
she hoped she could quickly get rid of him—particularly if Jake decided to come downstairs …

His thick dark hair looking as though a comb had subdued the naturally curling locks especially for his visit, Linus surveyed Ailsa warmly as she opened the door. She had no control over the guilty blush that heated her cheeks. How could she when she’d just got out of bed with Jake?

‘Linus … is everything all right?’

‘I was going to ask you the same question,’ he came back, jerking his head briefly behind him. ‘I see the Range Rover’s still here. Your ex hasn’t gone back to Copenhagen yet, then?’

She frowned, then folded her arms across her black angora sweater, conscious of the fact she was braless underneath it because of her hurried dash to get dressed and answer the door. ‘No. He hasn’t. There wasn’t a chance with the snow still lying so thick on the ground. Was there—was there a particular reason you dropped by?’

‘There was, as a matter of fact. Mind if I come in for a minute?’

‘I’m—I’m rather busy at the moment, as it happens.’

‘Oh …’ Clearly taken aback at having his plans thwarted, the farmer’s son took a few seconds to reassemble his thoughts. ‘I suppose I’ll just have to say what I want to say out here, then.’

Stealing a furtive glance down the hall, Ailsa half expected to see Jake descending the staircase at the end of it. Thankfully, no such disturbing vision appeared. She returned
her full attention to the man in front of her, noticing just then that his breath made little clouds of steam whenever it hit the frosted air. Feeling suddenly guilty at making him stand outside in such bitter weather, she opened the door wide, adding a cheery smile for good measure.

‘On second thoughts, why don’t you come into the warm for a minute? Go into the kitchen, I’ve just got to pop upstairs for something.’

As soon as a pleased Linus passed her in the hallway, Ailsa shut the door behind him and fled up the stairs. In the bedroom, now fully dressed, Jake was fastening his leather belt round his jeans. When he glanced up to acknowledge her return his accusing glare made her insides turn over.

‘Why did you ask him in? I thought you were going to tell whoever it was that you were busy …
especially
him.’

‘He came round to ask me something. I couldn’t leave him shivering on the doorstep, for goodness’ sake!’

‘Does he always make such a nuisance of himself?’ Jake scowled.

Hating the idea that he was disappointed in her because she hadn’t put Linus off and returned to bed, Ailsa was also resentful that he seemed to be assuming some kind of right to say who she could or couldn’t invite into her own home. ‘He’s not being a nuisance. I told you—he’s a good neighbour and friend. The sooner I go downstairs and talk to him, the sooner he’ll leave. I’m sure it won’t take long. You can wait up here, if you like.’

Not waiting to hear his answer, she grabbed her bra off the silk eiderdown and, with her back to Jake, lifted her sweater over her head so that she could put it on. Before she had the chance to secure the front fastening he stepped up behind her and—
shockingly
—pushed the thin straps
aside, cupping her breasts. Molten heat, want and need suffused her.

‘Jake …
don’t!
But even as she instructed him in the negative her body and senses were silently pleading for more of the same. It took
Herculean
strength of mind to divert him. ‘You mustn’t … We mustn’t … For goodness’ sake, Linus is waiting downstairs!’

‘Let him wait’ His low-pitched growl was sexy and commanding as he caught an aching nipple between thumb and forefinger and pinched it.

Suppressing a groan, she grabbed onto her swiftly diminishing will with all her might, turning in his arms to chastise him. As soon as she did, her mouth was crushed relentlessly and passionately beneath his, his silken tongue hotly invading her so that they shared the same devastating breath. With a supreme effort Ailsa tore her lips away, holding onto his iron-hard shoulders because if she didn’t her knees would crumple and she might well fall over. The warmly delicious scent of his body and teasing blue-eyed smile fired another devastating aside into senses that were already overwhelmed by him.

‘You don’t play fair.’

‘Did I ever claim to? Sometimes a man has to use whatever advantage he can lay his hands on.’

‘You’ve got to let me dress. The sooner I go downstairs and talk to him, the sooner he’ll go. Then we can carry on talking. We were going to do that … remember?’

Sighing ruefully, Jake gently stroked back some drifting strands of her hair with his fingers. ‘How can I deny you anything when you stand there looking at me with those big doe eyes—and half naked to boot?’

‘It’s not just the male sex that knows how to use the advantages in their armoury.’ She smiled. Standing on tiptoe, Ailsa planted a brief affectionate kiss on his mouth, then
firmly pushed him away. ‘I won’t be long,’ she promised, finally able to fasten her bra and slip her sweater back on. ‘You’d better not be.’

‘S
ORRY
to keep you waiting, Linus. Can I get you a cup of tea or coffee?’

‘No, thanks. I can’t stay very long, I’m afraid.’

Her neighbour’s assertion was music to Ailsa’s ears right then. But even as she sighed inwardly with relief, she didn’t escape feeling guilty. He was standing in the middle of the kitchen, his shoulders hunched defensively, like a schoolboy about to confess some errant misdemean-our. She’d never seen him appear so ill at ease.

‘All right, then. Would you like to sit down while we talk?’

Moving across to the kitchen table, she pulled out two chairs—one for her guest and one for herself. After that, apart from the hum of the radiator and the steady tick of the wall clock behind her, silence stretched out between them for what felt like a disconcertingly long time. Just when Ailsa wondered if he was ever going to sit down or speak at all, Linus dropped down into his chair and leant earnestly across the table.

‘I was wondering what your plans were for Christmas Day?’ His dark eyes anxiously roved her face. ‘Only, if you’re free, I was going to ask if you and Saskia would like to have lunch with me … That is … it won’t be just me … unfortunately.’ He grimaced. ‘My father and uncle will
be there as well. To tell you the truth, we’d really appreciate some female company. An all-male household can get a bit much sometimes.’ A red flush tinged his weathered cheeks for a moment.

Sheer surprise stunned Ailsa into silence. Of all the things he might have been going to ask her, she definitely hadn’t expected an invitation to lunch on Christmas Day. Staring at him blankly for a moment, she knew it was her turn to swiftly reassemble her thoughts. ‘It’s very kind of you to invite us, Linus, it really is … But I was actually planning on just staying at home with Saskia. We’ve come to regard the day as a special mother-and-daughter time. We’ve been looking forward to it for months now.’

‘Oh …’

‘Linus … hello.’

The familiar smoky voice that sounded behind them startled her. Her visitor seemed taken aback too—as if Jake’s sudden appearance had put him on edge.

‘Hello,’ he answered reluctantly.

Wishing that Jake had simply waited until Linus had gone, Ailsa felt her gaze magnetised by him as he moved to stand by her side, her heart racing as with a lazy little smile he reached for her hand and raised it to his lips. The provocative kiss he bestowed didn’t just graze her knuckles, as she’d expected it to, but was deliberately planted in the centre of her palm instead. Even though she knew the gesture was probably designed to stake his claim in front of the other man, it still made Ailsa tingle as if she’d received a mild electric shock.

‘Am I interrupting something?’ Jake asked smoothly.

Linus shook his head, his air that of a man who had just been well and truly
crushed.
A wave of guilt rolled over her.

‘I was inviting Ailsa and her daughter to spend Christmas
Day with us, but she’s told me they usually spend it on their own.’ The farmer pushed to his feet, the scarlet flush beneath his skin that had appeared earlier returning with a vengeance. His dark eyes moved from Ailsa to Jake, then back to Ailsa again. ‘I didn’t realise that you and—’

‘Jake.’

She registered the controlled politeness of her ex-husband’s voice, but knew instinctively that his tone might change to a far less agreeable one should Linus be foolish enough to challenge it. Thankfully … he
didn’t.

‘You didn’t realise what?’ Jake pressed mildly.

‘It doesn’t matter.’ The other man was already moving towards the door. ‘You’re a very lucky man, if you don’t mind my saying so? Ailsa is one of the nicest people you could wish to have for a neighbour, and her—your daughter—is charming.’

‘I definitely have to agree with you on both counts.’

‘You must be relieved that the snow is thawing at last, so you can get to the airport and fly back to Copenhagen in time for Christmas. It must be especially beautiful at this time of year.’

‘It is.’

‘Well … I hope you enjoy the holiday when you get there.’

‘Thanks.’ Jake’s glance settled thoughtfully on Ailsa for a moment, before moving back to Linus.

‘I’ll—I’ll see you out.’ Slipping into the hallway ahead of her visitor, Ailsa almost held her breath all the way to the front door. She couldn’t help feeling as if she’d been caught in the middle of a threatening storm. When the rumbles died away, as they had now started to, her whole body would be limp with relief. Her hand fumbled a little with the heavy brass doorknob. As she exposed Linus and
herself to the raw wind blowing outside, she said, smiling, ‘I really do appreciate your invitation, you know?’

Stopping thoughtfully beneath the peg-tiled porch, Linus turned round to survey her, ‘Do you? I hope you don’t think I was being a bit too presumptuous? I didn’t realise that you and your ex were getting back together or I would never have asked.’

She supposed it was only natural, after Jake kissing her hand in front of him, that Linus would assume they were getting back together … She glanced awkwardly down at the ground. It wasn’t as though she’d ever encouraged Linus in any way, yet she still felt uncomfortably as though she was deceiving him.

‘I’m really sorry that I couldn’t accept, but I hope you can still have a nice Christmas with your family.’

A drop of melting ice from the roof above him splashed down onto the dark curls that were slowly springing back into life after being so tidily combed down. Almost absent-mindedly, he patted it away. ‘I expect it will be very much the same routine as other years. I’ll still have to get up early to feed the animals and clean out the pens. My uncle will cook the dinner as he usually does—we’re having a goose—and my father will drink a bit more malt whisky than is good for him. After that we’ll watch some daft re-run on the television. Anyway, however you spend it, I hope that you will also enjoy the day. I expect we’ll see each other at some point after the holiday?’

‘Take care, Linus and—and thanks for all you’ve done for me and Saskia throughout the year.’

‘It was my pleasure. Bye, now.’

Her chest tightened in sympathy as she watched him negotiate the now less than pristine snow on the path that led out from the stone-walled confines of the house. Waiting
until he’d climbed into his tractor, she gave him a brief wave, then shut the door and returned inside.

‘I told you he had more than just being a friendly neighbour on his mind.’

Turning round to face her from his stance in front of the window, Jake was unsmiling …
irritated,
Ailsa would have said.

‘That’s neither here nor there, and you know it!’ Irritated or not, she wasn’t going to put up with it. ‘Why didn’t you wait upstairs until he was gone, like I suggested?’

Raising a dark gold eyebrow, he scowled. ‘Are you telling me that you would have accepted his invitation to lunch?’

‘You heard him tell you I’d already declined as I’m spending Christmas Day on my own with Saskia.’

He exhaled a heavy sigh. ‘Is that really what you want to do … Spend Christmas on your own with our daughter?’

‘It’s what I usually do … why?’

‘I know I haven’t got round to asking you yet, but the idea of you coming back and spending Christmas with me and Saskia in Copenhagen has been on my mind since I woke up this morning. That’s why I got up early and went for a walk. I needed to think about plans. Plus I wanted to check out the state of the roads—see if we could make it to the airport either today or tomorrow. Preferably
today
… It’s a good idea, when you come to think about it. That way you get to see our daughter much sooner, and you don’t have to spend the season alone.’

‘So you’re feeling sorry for me now, are you?’ she snapped, feeling inexplicably emotional.

‘Sorry for you? If you think that’s what’s motivated me to ask you—
especially
after last night—then I’m honestly stunned.’

It had seriously upset Ailsa when Jake had shown up a
couple of days ago to tell her that Saskia would be extending her stay in Copenhagen. How could she have known that the situation would change so dramatically in so brief a time? That their enforced togetherness would stir up feelings that wouldn’t easily be subdued and that she’d be deluged by taunting reminders of how good they had once been together? Now, because he had made that remark about leaving soon, she was privately climbing the walls at the reality of him not being around. That was why the idea of going to Denmark was more than tempting.

But, as much as her heart ached to be with him, and to see her precious child much sooner than she’d expected, how could she do it? How could she return there as if everything between them had been put right and there were no more problems? There was so much still to discuss, and she had no idea where any of it would lead when they did talk about it. She might have even made the situation
worse,
because now that she and Jake had been intimate again her heart was wide open to even more hurt.

He’d denied there was anyone else, but she couldn’t be absolutely certain that he didn’t have some woman waiting for him when he returned to the luxurious town house that was his home. If he did, no doubt she would be a much more glamorous and
worldly
woman than Ailsa. Perhaps she was one of those women he had mentioned who was of the opinion that his cruel scar gave him a certain ‘piratical’ appeal?

‘Whatever you might think,’ Jake said now, ‘my intentions are good. To learn that Linus had invited you and Saskia to Christmas lunch made everything even clearer to me. I’m sure he’s a decent guy, Ailsa, but I’m not going to give up the chance of you spending Christmas with me just because he’s around. I
want
you to come back with me. I know that Saskia will be delighted if you do, and so
will my mother. She often asks after you. Unfortunately, up until now, I haven’t been able to tell her how you’re doing. I really regret that we haven’t talked since—since what happened.’

He was standing by the granite worktop and Ailsa saw his fingers visibly tighten round the rolled edge. They flexed so hard that they turned corpse-white. A cold chill ran down her spine. Then she was moving towards him, as if her body’s volition had overridden her mind’s, and she trembled with the force of the feelings that gripped her.

‘We’ve become so good at not saying the right words, haven’t we? At not calling a thing what it is? I know we talked about some important stuff at last, but we’ve skirted around the issues that really matter like they’re unexploded bombs that might go off in our faces. Well, I’ve got news for you, Jake … The bombs have already exploded and we’ve caught the fall-out good and proper. When you say “what happened” you should say “when our baby was killed and the love we had for each other died too.” Isn’t that what you really mean to say?’

The blue eyes that lifted towards her were as desolate as the bleakest of winter nights. ‘And that makes everything better, does it? Calling a thing what it is?’

She threw up her hands in near-despair. ‘At least it’s being real … At least it’s the truth. I’m not saying I want to hang on to these feelings for ever—they’ve already cut my heart to shreds, so why would I? I don’t want to add to my suffering, and I really do want to move on. For the past four years I’ve been stuck …
welded
in the mire of that terrible event. Trapped so deep in it that at times I’ve felt almost paralysed. I dread to think what that might have done to Saskia. She’s so vibrant and alive, and I haven’t been the mother I want to be for so long that I know that things have to change. They’ve
got
to change. What I’m
telling you now, Jake, is that I want to speak my truth and then I want you to speak yours … to really tell me how you felt then and how you feel now. After that … Well, we’ll see.’

‘Then tell me, Ailsa. Tell me your truth and I’ll listen. Then I’ll tell you mine.’

Catching her by the hand, Jake stared hard at her slender, ringless fingers. As if disappointed by what he saw, he let it drop back down to her side again. She wondered if the pounding of her heart was as audible to him as it was to her just then.

‘Very well, then … When I came to after the operation and they told me I’d lost the baby I thought I was in the middle of the most terrifying nightmare. I thought,
Any minute now I’ll wake up and see that I’m at home in bed with Jake.
I thought … I thought I’d tell you about my horrific dream and you’d comfort me … lay your hand over my tummy, where our baby was still growing … still thriving … and say,
“See? It was only a dream, Ailsa. Everything is fine.”’

Her throat tightening unbearably, she threaded restless fingers through the long dark skeins of her hair. She hardly dared glance at Jake for fear she would come undone completely. ‘But it wasn’t a dream,’ she continued huskily. ‘And although they gave me morphine to dull the pain I still hurt. I hurt
beyond
any pain I’d ever experienced before. I’m not just talking about physical discomfort. I felt empty … empty and useless now that my baby was gone. Like a mere husk of the woman I used to be. They say that sometimes the bereaved are numb with grief, but I felt everything—as though my very skin was being flayed with knives. I mourned my child and then I mourned
us,
Jake. I mourned us because I knew it was the end even then. I thought things had been hard enough, but how could we
ever get over that? How could we carry on and behave like normal civilised people?

‘It wasn’t long before we both realised that we couldn’t. Our lives would never be “normal” again, and because of that we took all our rage and pain out on each other. I was glad when you asked me for a divorce. I mean it. I was glad that you would have the chance to rebuild your life with someone else—to father a baby with someone else. But when you left …’ Lifting her head to face him squarely for the first time since she’d started speaking, Ailsa found it almost impossible to continue, because her throat swelled and ached so much. ‘When you left …’ With a little shake of her head she indicated she couldn’t go on.