The Love of Her Life (18 page)

But Sean just didn’t get it. During the party, Charly flicked her hair and tried her best to charm Sean. She even told some of her best jokes about the magazine, including the one about the lady who’d turned up with her collection of knitted dolls stuffed with fluff, embroidered ‘Kate’ on the front.

‘She’d been writing to Kate, ringing her up, she was a complete nut-job, and only Kate was nice enough to speak to her … And there she is, with these stuffed dolls, but Kate’s out of the office, and Josephine, that’s the new editor, just said, “You’d better take care of it, Charly. Kate’s
your
best friend after all. When’s her birthday? You can give them to her as a present!” And –’

‘Good grief,’ Zoe said under her breath, rolling her eyes,
and Steve laughed and stepped back. He put his arm round Zoe, who patted his chest, and they walked away. Charly watched them, her eyes narrowing, an indefinable expression on her face, and Kate knew how much it hurt her, other people’s happiness. Because being Charly was a great thing, of course it was, it had to be, but sometimes it must be pretty damn miserable.

Kate had thought about it a lot, especially since they’d been flatmates. She thought Charly must get pretty lonely at times. She wasn’t as hard as she liked to think she was. Charly herself didn’t realize the ways in which she was strangely kind – making endless cups of tea and bullying Kate into wearing clothes she wouldn’t normally dare, or strangely funny – her impressions were uncannily accurate, and she had a pitch-perfect recall for people’s idiosyncracies of speech which made Kate helpless with laughter. It was weird, these days, though. Charly was still at
Woman’s World
, and Kate didn’t know the people she talked about sometimes. They had less in common, less to talk about, than before. Sometimes it felt as if their bills at home were what bound them together most, that they were growing apart, and Kate hated that.

‘Kate!’ Charly hit her on the arm.

‘Sorry, I was listening, really,’ Kate said. ‘What did you say?’

‘I said, he’s nice, isn’t he?’ she said, jerking her head at Steve.

‘Yes, very nice,’ said Kate severely. Sean’s hand snaked around her waist, and she leaned into his embrace. ‘Very nice indeed.’

‘Oh, get over it,’ Charly said crossly. ‘He’s totally vanilla, I wouldn’t go there, Kate.’ She tossed her hair, remarshalling herself. ‘Hey, you two? Fancy some champagne? I’ll get us some more drinks.’

She went towards a waiter, but turned back, a smile frozen on her face. ‘Kate!’ she hissed. ‘She’s coming!’

There, gliding over to them in a haze of cream chiffon and silk, was Kate’s new stepmother, Lisa, with a smile like a Cheshire cat and a forehead smooth as a new apple, entirely wrinkle-free.

‘Hellooo,’ she said graciously, holding out one hand to Sean, who took it, rather bemused. ‘Hi Kate,’ she said more quickly. ‘Having a good time?’

‘Yes thanks,’ Kate said. She kissed Lisa on the cheek. ‘Congratulations, Lisa.’

‘Ooh,’ Lisa said, stepping away. She batted Kate lightly with her hand. ‘Don’t get makeup on me! Look at my ring!’

Steve rolled his eyes in amazement at Zoe, who hit him sharply on the arm. He turned towards Lisa. ‘Hey, Lisa. You look absolutely beautiful.’

‘Thanks, Steve!’ Lisa said, pleased.

‘Thanks a lot for having us,’ Steve said, in his easy, polite way. ‘It’s been so great.’

‘Well, congratulations to you, too!’ Lisa stroked Steve’s shoulder; he looked a little alarmed. ‘I haven’t seen you both since you got married. Bringing back memories, eh?’ She looked across at Kate, then back at Steve and Zoe, whose mouth was set in a straight line but who was nodding, fervently.

‘Well,’ Steve said. ‘We got married in a registry office and had a knees-up in the pub round the corner, so not really. The whole thing cost about fifty quid. So for us, this is like a dream wedding.’

Absolutely none of this was true, but he couldn’t have said anything better. Lisa looked absolutely over the moon. She grasped Kate’s hand, and Kate took her cue from that.

‘Congratulations,’ she said, admiring the peanut-sized diamond on her finger with the new band next to it, studded with smaller diamonds.

‘It’s white gold,’ Lisa said proudly. ‘It’s very original.’

‘Yes, very,’ Kate said.

‘Ooh, look. There he is!’ she cooed, and Kate looked up to see her dad approaching.

‘Hello again darling,’ he said to his daughter.

‘Darling,’ Lisa said. She fingered his tie, and then patted it, proprietorially. ‘Want you to come with me and say hi to Gabi. She’s here with Cole, you know, from Funicular, the production company? She says you’ve ignored her all day …’ she ran her hands down the front of his shirt, stood up on her tiptoes and bit his bottom lip and Kate gazed at her, literally speechless that she thought it was OK to do that in front of Kate, in front of everyone.

‘Sure,’ said Dad, squeezing her bottom, creasing the silk in his hands. He turned away amiably. Kate shook her head at her friends.

‘Man …’ Kate began, but Zoe, rubbing her friend’s back, said quickly,

‘Shush. No point crying over spilt milk.’

Kate watched her father and his new wife walk across the lawn, him genially following her as she held him by the hand. Lisa’s sister Clare, who was the babysitter for the day, handed Lisa sixteen-month-old Danielle, decked from head to toe in white taffeta and lace, like it was her own wedding day. They stood under a tree, the three of them, and some people started snapping photos, this perfect little family unit, so happy and beautiful, on this lovely day. Kate knew it would hurt in a little, small way, but she was surprised by how winded she felt as she watched them. She recalled her parents’ wedding day photo, the one she still had, her mother so fresh and free, her father so tall and virile, both of them looking so young, as if they were on their way to dinner, not to the registry office. It was so easy to imagine the whole thing had never happened, now. That her mother, that she,
had never existed. That this was the real wedding, the white wedding, and she, Kate, was a ghost girl.

‘You OK?’ said Sean, softly in her ear.

‘Yes,’ she said, turning to face him. He wrapped his arms around her.

‘I love you,’ he said. ‘You look beautiful.’

‘Thanks,’ she said, wishing they were alone again, but as Sean pulled her towards him and they stayed like that, clinging to each other, she was watching her father and Lisa, with Danielle.

Charly and Kate climbed the stairs to their flat wearily. Charly was carrying her shoes in her hand, and Kate was more than a little unsteady on her feet. It was one-thirty, and Kate reckoned they’d been drinking for nearly twelve hours. She stabbed ineffectually at the lock with her keys, and finally the two of them fell into their sitting room. Kate put the door on the latch. The smell of the dusty flat, filled with sunshine all day, washed over her. She sneezed, flopping onto the sofa.

‘There’s a message,’ said Charly, grabbing a sticky, old bottle of Limoncello from the fridge. She neatly shut the door with her bum and sashayed back into the room, carrying two glasses as well. ‘Woah,’ she said, pressing ‘Play’ on the flashing answer machine with her elbow. ‘Here you go.’

She handed her a drink. Kate lay horizontally on the sofa. Her eyes were tired, they felt sticky. The cotton of her dress was creased, it fluttered on her stomach as Kate breathed in and out. She watched it.

There came from the machine an indistinct crackling sound, then murmuring, then the sound of people talking, glasses clinking, all very Ambassador’s Reception.

‘
Darling … … … Darling Kate, hello darling. Hello!
’ A whisky-smooth, low woman’s voice floated across to her on the sofa.

‘Oh, fuck,’ said Charly, moving back into the kitchen. ‘First wife alert.’

‘Sssh,’ Kate said wearily, sitting up.

‘
Darling girl. It’s your … What? No, Oscar. I won’t sing. You
are awful! Darling. Stop it! I’m talking to Kate. No, no more to
drink for me thanks Dick. Oh, go on then, just one
.’

‘Argh,’ Kate said, running her hands through her hair. ‘Argh. I can’t bear it.’

‘
Darling, how are you? It’s your mother, wanting to know how
you are
.’

‘Why does she refer to herself in the third person?’ Charly said. She was leaning against the kitchen door, swigging Limoncello and trying not to laugh. Kate smiled fondly at the answering machine.

‘And why does she call me “darling girl”? I haven’t seen her for nearly a year and I’m twenty-seven. Bless.’

‘…
I remembered it was your Father’s Second Wedding today
.
I thought you’d find it hard so I thought I’d call. I love you darling!
And hope it went gorgeously well, darling. Call Mummy tomorrow
.
I guess you’re not back yet. I’m at Dick’s! We’re having cocktails
with Vance and DJ! Oscar sends love! Come visit New York soon
darling, I miss you
.’

There was thirty seconds more of background chatter, then silence.

‘She’s mad,’ said Charly. ‘God, your parents are both mad.’

‘She’s not mad,’ Kate said. She wasn’t in the mood for Charly’s needling. She took a sip. ‘She’s just a bit – well, she’s a bit tipsy for starters, it is Dad’s wedding day after all …’

She shrugged her shoulders slightly helplessly, trying to work out how to explain her mother to a stranger, how you
could love someone who brought you up and then abruptly left you, whom you honestly believed loved you more than anything, but who was capable of just shutting you out when she wanted. Still, she was the only person, other than Zoe, who could understand what today had been like for her, Kate. Suddenly Kate missed her desperately. She knocked the sweet, viscous liquid down her throat in one go. It had been a long day.

‘God,’ she said. ‘I’m knackered, I might –’

Suddenly there was a noise in the hall, and Charly screamed. ‘Shit!’ She jumped. ‘Oh my god! The door’s open! Who the fuck’s that –?’

Sean appeared in the doorway.

‘What the fuck?’ Charly demanded. ‘How did you get in? What are you –’

She looked at Kate, accusing.

‘I left the door on the latch,’ Kate said. ‘He’s staying tonight, hope that’s OK.’

Sean had gone via Zoe and Steve’s to collect a laptop that needed looking at. Kate could have sworn she’d mentioned to Charly he’d be coming round. It wasn’t
that
much of a shock, anyway, for God’s sake. He was round the whole time.

‘Hi,’ said Sean, unperturbed.

‘Oh,’ said Charly. She stared at him, disdain so clearly written on her face that Kate withered with embarrassment at her. ‘That’s fine.’

She stepped forward, and Kate thought she was going to leave, but then she reached for the bottle. ‘Have a drink,’ she said. She filled her glass and handed it to him, biting her lip as she did, staring up at him again.

‘That’s OK.’ Sean waved his hands at her. He looked down at Kate, on the sofa, and came over, crouching down. He ran his hand lightly over her stomach, pushed her hair back, kissed her forehead. ‘Big day today. You tired, babe?’

‘Yes,’ Kate said.

He shook his head at her and mouthed, ‘No’. Kate sat up.

‘I’m going to bed,’ Charly announced, and put her drink down, hard on the table. ‘Night, Kate.’

‘See you tomorrow,’ Kate said, still looking at Sean.

‘God, she’s a bitch,’ said Sean, and he kissed her, pushing his tongue insistently into her mouth. ‘Why’s she such a bitch?’

Kate pushed him away, bit his ear, wanting to bite all of him, eat him up. ‘She’s not,’ she said softly. ‘She’s just –’

Sean’s hand was inside her dress, on her breast, touching her. ‘You’re gorgeous, babe. Kate …’ he trailed off, then said, as an afterthought, ‘She needs a man. She needs a good fuck.’

Hazily, as he stroked her, as he kissed her harder, undid her dress, pulled her up, Kate thought of the stream of men, mostly unknown to her, who appeared in the sitting room the morning after a night with Charly. Spanish exchange students. Burly plumbers. Posh, polite boys. Angry, surly men from the magazine, who lusted after her for ages and realized they’d been used and were about to be blanked. She often ran out and left them. Kate had to make them breakfast.

‘She doesn’t, believe me,’ Kate whispered. ‘But …’

He pulled her into her room, and Kate knelt on the bed, and he pushed the door shut, violently. His eyes were glazed, slightly impersonal almost, and Kate realized they were both a bit drunk.

‘I wanted to ask you something,’ Sean said suddenly. ‘I’ve been thinking about it for a while.’ He bit her shoulder. ‘Oh Kate …’

‘What?’ said Kate, looking over the room to where a pile of clothes lay. She ought to tidy them up. God, it was huge, and she didn’t even recognize half the clothes in it. She was
tired, she wanted to sleep, and she knew that was a bit crap.
Venus
had a problem page, but it didn’t have the answers to the problem of when you were a bit exhausted and not in the mood for it.

‘
Dear Marie. I love my boyfriend, and we’ve been together for
three years, and honestly I can’t imagine life without him, but you
know sometimes you just can’t be bothered to talk to him and you
don’t want to have sex with him? Is that normal? Does that make
me a terrible person?’ No, Venus went more in for the answers
to questions like ‘Dear Marie. I’m thinking of getting my clitoris
pierced. Do you have any safety dos and
don’ts
?
’

‘… marry me?’

‘Hm,’ Kate said, still chewing her lip and looking at the washing. Damn it, half that pile of clothes was Charly’s! Lazy bitch. Kate sighed crossly.

‘Kate, are you listening to me?’ Sean said, pulling away from her and staring at her.

‘Oh …’ Kate blinked. ‘Yes, yes of course I was.’

‘Were you really?’ he said, smiling kindly at her. ‘I don’t think you were, were you? What did I just ask you?’

‘Um …’ Kate said. ‘Something about the wedding?’

‘Kind of,’ Sean said. He rocked back so they were both kneeling, facing each other on the bed. He took her hands and clasped them. ‘Kate. I just asked you to marry me.’

‘What?’ Kate said, her eyes flying open. ‘What did you just say?’

Sean coughed, and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath; she saw he was shaking.

‘OK … I said, you silly, gorgeous girl, will you marry me, and make me happy, and carry on being crazy shy beautiful Kate with me for the rest of our lives?’

‘Oh – my god,’ said Kate. ‘Oh my god – Sean …’

She clutched his hands tightly, staring into his face. It was weird, she thought. Every girl spends their whole life
wondering what their proposal will be like, and when it comes … it doesn’t feel like a proposal, like the most amazing moment of your life. It just feels like … well, two people having a bit of a casual chat. Perhaps she should get Marie to do a column about it in the next issue of
Venus. ‘How it
feels when it feels a bit underwhelming
.’ Of course, it wasn’t underwhelming though. It was Sean, of course it was the most amazing moment of her life, so Kate leant forward, leant in towards him, and she kissed him and said,

‘Yes. Yes, darling. Of course I will.’

He sighed, breathing out deeply, and she realized how tightly wound up he was.

‘I talked to your father just now,’ he said. ‘Caught him before he went off with Lisa.’

‘I bet he was grateful to you, holding up his wedding night,’ said Kate. Sean frowned.

‘Hey! Don’t. I knew I wanted to do it today, you know?’

‘Oh, Sean,’ said Kate.

‘I saw you … you and your dad, talking to him, and you looked so beautiful, standing there with a glass in your hand, being yourself, your amazing self and I was so proud of you,’ he said, his eyes burning with emotion, liquid with unshed tears. ‘Kate, I knew I was gonna do it. Your dad was hilarious.’

‘I bet he was,’ said Kate. She was trying to picture herself as the girl Sean had watched and to whom he had known he was going to propose. She had felt like a stranger in someone else’s life all day, and it was strange that he had felt the opposite. But then, she knew that was how she and Sean worked, that he made her feel part of the world, less of a loner, a fruitloop. He showed her the life she should be having, opened the door to things for her, and she loved him.

‘Is that what you came here tonight to say?’ she said, almost shyly, not knowing what came next in situations like these.

‘Well – yes,’ he said, speaking softly into her hair. ‘Of course it was. And now it’s done. All over.’

All over, all done, of course.