The Lovers (24 page)

“What is, Jack?” I ask, my voice a whisper.

He watches me for several moments, in that way he has.
He is looking inside me, and seeing me, all of me, and not turning away. “Loving you.”

“Jesus, Jack.”

My head is spinning, my heart racing. I can't help the tears pooling in my eyes. But this time I don't care.

“Tell me again, Jack.”

He shakes his head and for one agonizing moment I'm afraid he's changing his mind. But then he says, “Not like this. Come here.”

He pulls me into his arms, and I melt into him, his arms strong and warm around me, his chest pressed against mine.

“I love you, Bettina. Do you love me?”

I lean my head against his wide chest, and hear his heart beating. “Yes. I love you.”

“Fuck,” he breathes.

“That's not the usual reply.”

“Yeah. There's nothing usual about us.”

“Yes.” I stand there, breathing him in. But I know this is not the whole answer. “So, what now?”

“I don't know. We live in different cities.”

“Seattle and Portland aren't that far from each other.”

“You're right. They're not. We'll figure that part out. And we still need to see New Orleans together.”

“Yes.” I smile, then it fades away as another thought invades my mind. “And Audrey? Will she come into play?”

His body tenses a bit; I can feel his arms and his stomach tightening. “I could ask you the same question.”

“Yes. That's fair.” I pull back enough to look at him. He is so beautiful, his face soft with emotion, a bit tormented still. “She's like some ethereal creature to me, almost too beautiful to be real, even now. I understand what you meant about that, about her not being real. I feel…sad for her insubstantial existence. Do you know what I mean? And I don't mean that
in any condescending way. But having this, knowing love, finally, it hurts to know she doesn't.”

I feel a bit self-conscious saying this to him. I'm not used to discussing love this way. But he's nodding his head.

“She came to me tonight because she wants what we have. She knew it even before I was able to admit it. But she's not ready for it, that much is obvious. I believe she cares about us both.”

“Yes, I think so, too, despite her horrible behavior, trying to seduce each of us just today.”

“You didn't tell me that.” He raises an eyebrow but doesn't press me further.

“No.”

“It's okay.”

“Nothing happened, Jack. I turned her away.”

“I wish I had. I wish to God I hadn't given in, even for a moment.”

I'm quiet for a few breaths, waiting for him to say more, but he remains silent.

“Jack. Neither of us has said how we feel about Audrey. About whether or not she's still in the picture.”

“I care about her. I feel sorry for her. And she still holds that attraction. That pull. For both of us, I think.” His gaze is searching mine.

“Yes.” My heart is a hammer in my chest.

“But I want to be with you. I don't want to fuck this up. And Audrey will fuck this up. She's good at that.”

“Yes.”

“But you're not telling me not to see her, talk to her?”

“No. You need to make your own choices, Jack. And I just have to hope you choose not to hurt me. I have to believe you can do that.”

“I can. I want to.” He strokes my hair, his fingers brushing
my cheek. “You've changed so much this summer. You're different.”

“I have changed. And as painful as this whole thing has been for me, I've learned from both of you, you and Audrey. I feel stronger because I'm able to let the anger go and love her, still.” He's watching me very closely, his lips parted a bit, his eyes gleaming and tender in a way I've never seen them. “I don't think I'd be where I am right now if things hadn't happened exactly the way they did. So, while I can't regret that, I have no desire to be with her again. I simply want to keep inside that bit of her magic that's rubbed off on me.”

“You have your own magic, you know. You always have.”

He squeezes me tighter, our bodies so close I swear I can feel the hard beating of his heart against mine. “Bettina…I don't know how good at this I'll be. I don't want to let you down. But I don't know what the hell I'm doing.”

“Neither do I. But I know one thing, Jack. The past does not have to make us who we are. We have to choose.”

“I get that. You've made me get that. And I want to be different. Because of you. But I'm not going to be any good at this. At believing I deserve this, maybe. Not at first. But if you can just hang in there with me…”

He smiles at me, wraps me in his arms and kisses me, hard. His mouth is all sweet, wet heat, and I love the feel of it, his lips pressed against mine, the sweep of his tongue. And his body pressed so close to mine, his cock a rigid shaft against my belly. I want him. I need him. I love him.

He lowers me onto the bed, somehow tearing our clothes off as we go, so that by the time my body hits the blue-and-white quilt, I am wearing nothing but my panties. They come off quickly, too, and I am aching and glad when he slips a condom over his gorgeous cock and pushes between my thighs.

It's too good, the weight of his body on mine, his cock slipping inside me, the frissons of pleasure racing over my skin. And as he pumps into me, those mossy eyes looking into mine, looking inside me, as he always does, I am nothing but pleasure and fire and his scent in my head, filling me up.

My climax bears down on me, pleasure rising like some inexorable tide. And all the time his gaze on mine, shining with tenderness. When I come it is like another sort of epiphany, coming with love and into love and into Jack, as much as it is him coming into me when he tenses and calls my name.

After, we stay perfectly still, breathing each other in. He kisses me, over and over. I can taste the salt of his sweat on his lips, and my own, mingling. Sweeter than anything has ever been before.

“What now, Jack?” I ask him once more.

But whatever it will be, it's enough for now. I still have so much to learn. So does he. But we'll be together when we can. And in between I will learn to live my life. To be happy. No matter what happens. But at least, finally, I have someplace to start.