The Madness Project (The Madness Method) (70 page)

“God,” I said, and tugged the sleeve back over the wound.  “
She?
” 
Somehow I couldn’t imagine a girl doing something like that to a child.  The
thought made me sick.  “Rivano’s got a Blood.  Did you go see him yet?”

Bugs’ fingers twitched, twisting in his shirt.  “Nah,” he
said, sounding shaky.  “Not yet.  It’s fine, Shade.  I’m
tough
.”

“Bugs,” I said, crouching down to look him in the eye. 
“Going to get help doesn’t mean you’re not tough.  It means you’re brave, and
strong.”

“Really?”

My face flushed—or Tarik’s face did—because I knew what a
hypocrite I was.  “Sure.  It takes a strong man to ask for help.”  I turned my
face aside, and stood back up.  “Go on.  Go find the Blood and get that arm
fixed.  He’s pretty swell, once you get past the creepy.”

“Right!” he hollered, and mock-saluted me, and bolted back
into the Hole.

I waited till the door had settled behind him, then turned
to find Hayli.  She still stared at me, stonier than I’d ever seen her, with
something like contempt written all over her face.  I set my jaw and wandered
toward her.

“Is that right, Shade?” she asked as I got closer.  “Takes a
strong man to ask for help, does it?”

She bit her lip; I almost thought her eyes shone more than
usual, like she was fighting tears.  I ground my teeth.  What had I done to her
to make her so angry?  That was the worst part…the most frightening thing about
the night before.  The notion that I might have—or could have—hurt her, and
never known the difference.  I shuddered.

“What’d I do?” I murmured.  She drew back as I reached her,
fear and disgust warring in her eyes.  I sighed and slumped against the wall
near her, but not too near.  “What’d I do wrong?”

“You dan’ remember.”

“No.”  I snorted.  “That was sort of the point.”

She narrowed her eyes, chewing her lip.  “What’s got into
you lately?  You’re never here.  Always off when you haven’t even got a job to
do.  And Jig says you’ve got a mean streak these days—
Jig!
  If Jig says
it… If…”  Her voice trailed off on a wisp of sadness.  “But then you had that
gun…and Anuk said… Anuk said…”

“I had a gun?” I echoed.  And suddenly I remembered Anuk’s
arm, and what he’d said… Alarm and horror prickled over me, stopping my heart
cold for what felt like an eternity.  “Hayli.  Did I do it?”

She shot me a bitter look.  “What do you think?”

I pulled up my knees and rested my head against them, not
caring how weak it made me seem.  I was falling apart and I wasn’t even sure I
wanted to stop it.

“Why, Shade?  Can’t you let me help you?” she asked.  “I
thought…I was so afraid we’d lost you last night.”  She bit her lip, shaking
the hair from her face.  “You’ve got no ken what that would do to all of us, do
you?  If you need a reason to fight, isn’t that enough?”

I wish,
I thought. 
But if you knew the truth
about me, you would all be lining up for a chance to pull the trigger on me,
too.

Hayli got up when I didn’t say anything.  “I might not see
you for a bit.  Rivano’s got work for me.”

“Rivano!” I said, picking up my head, but she was already
halfway across the enclosure.

I had to pull myself together.  If Hayli had gotten an
inside track to Rivano now, she’d be able to find things out.  Maybe enough for
me to end it all, if I could just find a way to get her to share what she
learned…

I dug my hands against my eyes and laughed.  All the lies. 
That’s all that mattered.  Lying, this poisonous game…  Maybe Kor was right. 
It was all I lived for now.  The moments of the chase were glorious, full of
adrenaline and the fierce fire of competition.  Calculating, maneuvering, persuading…winning
the little victories and finally the ultimate conquest.  And as soon as it was
over…as soon as the chase had ended…I remembered what I was.

I remembered what a monster I’d become.

Chapter 4 — Hayli

For a good five minutes, I stood in the corridor just
outside the swirl of magic lights that marked the Clan’s wing, trying to spine
up and soldier forward.  They were just mages like me.  I couldn’t be afraid of
them.  And…I had to find Rivano.  After talking to Shade, then seeing him slip
away again not minutes after, I didn’t know what else to do.  I didn’t know who
could help him except Rivano, and Shade was running out of time.

Finally I sighed and balled up my hands, and stepped
forward.  It felt different than the last time, when I’d come with Anuk all in
a panic about Shade bleeding in the street.  This time the light had a calmness
to it that made it feel less like light and more like peace.  I swallowed and
headed on, tiptoeing though I didn’t know why.

“You lost?”

I jumped and spun about, only to find a mage I’d never seen
before leaning against the wall just behind me.  My skin prickled, but I
managed to keep my voice steady-like as I asked,

“Where’d you come from?”

He smiled, crinkling the corners of his eyes.  His hair was
longer than mine and black as Jig’s, and his hands were covered in ebony marks,
sinuous, circular patterns and sharp geometric edges from wrist to fingertips. 

“I asked first,” he said.

“You’re from Tulay?” I asked, because he had that kind of
complexion.

His green eyes sharpened, but he just pushed away from the
wall and took a step closer to me.  “Do you only know how to ask and never
answer?”

“I’m not lost,” I said.

“I’m not from Tulay.  And I came from there.”  He nodded at
the wall behind him.

I scowled, moving to lay my hand against the wall.  It felt
solid, cold and solid, painted dark olive above the wood wainscoting.

“I dan’ get what you mean.”

He grinned and brought his hands up, planting his fingertips
together at his lips.  When he was sure he had my eye, he moved one hand and
pressed it straight through the wall.  I flinched back.

“You can walk through walls?” I whispered.

“More than that.  Want to see?” he asked, and held out his
hand.

I stared at it, then at him.  His eyes glinted in the strange
light, and I got an odd little curling in my gut.

“I’m looking for Rivano,” I said.  “Dan’ have time for aught
else.”

“You’re Hayli, right?  Kantian’s girl?”

I glared at him.  “I’m not
Kantian’s
girl.  Not
anybody’s.”

“A’right, a’right,” he said.  “Dan’ get tetchy on me.  He’s
down the hall, big room on the left.”

I started to leave, but stopped and turned back just as the
mage moved toward the wall.  “Wait.  What do they call you?”

“Shiver.”

I laughed, faintly.  “No, I mean, what kind of mage are you?”

“I’m a Rift,” he said.

I nodded.  “Nice to meet you, Shiver,” I said.

He grinned and vanished through the wall.  Shiver.  A tag
never fit anyone so well—except maybe Shade’s—because watching him walk
straight through plaster and wood made me shudder all over.  I wondered if
maybe, when I got to be part of the Clan, I could give up my name and pick a
tag that suited me.  I wasn’t sure what I’d want, though.  Maybe it was
something someone had to give you.

The notion of it got my heart aching a bit, and I stopped
halfway down the hall.  Would I want to give up my name?  The kids here all had
tags because they didn’t have a mum or dad to give them one, or least, not one
they could remember.  I’d always been different because I came with a name, and
a memory of a home.

Home
. 

My thoughts drifted, taking me back, carrying me through so
many memories.  Why could I remember it so vividly?  It almost didn’t seem
fair.  I should’ve forgotten by now.

Maybe I couldn’t really blame Shade, wanting to forget.

“Hayli?”

I lifted my head.  Somehow I’d got to sitting against the
wall with my head in my arms, and Rivano himself knelt in front of me.

“Something troubling you?” he asked, gently.  “Shiver said
you needed to see me.”

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.  “I was just…”  I
shook my head.  Rivano didn’t need to hear some sob story about my past.  So
instead I said, “It’s Shade.  He’s…he’s falling apart, and…”

Rivano straightened up a bit.  “What do you mean, falling
apart?”

“I dan’ na.  Dan’ na if it’s because of all the magic, or if
he’s got something else gannin’ on inside him, but he…seems like he’s fallen in
with a bad lot, and they’re killing him.  They’re ganna kill him!”

I almost shouted that last bit at him, but he didn’t even
flinch.

“Hayli,” he said.  “Shade’s got to make it through this on
his own.  I have a feeling I know what he’s going through, but you can’t save
him.”

“But I can’t just perch up and watch it happen!  He’s my
friend.  And I…and…”  I blushed and jerked my gaze away, knotting and unknotting
my fingers.  “I thought he was ganna kill himself,” I whispered.  “And I dan’
think he even realized it.  He’s hurting himself and he knows it hurts us and
he keeps on doing it!  And I should
hate
him for that but I can’t…I…”

I choked on the words.

“You need to carry on, for him,” he said.  “Stand by him,
but let him find his way.”

I bowed my head, all the energy just slipping away from me. 
I’m not sure what I’d expected, but I think I’d hoped he would give some kind
of advice—
real
advice.  Tell me what to do, or at least tell me he would
take care of it.  Maybe I’d hoped it would make Rivano finally break down and
see Shade, because I thought half Shade’s problem was that he couldn’t seem to
get anywhere in his hunt for whatever person he’d come from Istia to track
down.

“Won’t you talk to him?” I asked.  “Please?”

“It’s not time yet.”

“It’ll never be grobbing time if he kills himself!” I cried,
anger blushing up my cheeks.

He gave me a patient kind of look and got to his feet.  “If
he can’t make it through this, then I’m afraid he doesn’t concern me,” he said.

I gaped at him, stunned speechless.  All I could do was
stare as he turned and faded down the hall.  He couldn’t mean that.  I must’ve
misunderstood him, somehow.  For all the odd things Rivano seemed to be,
heartless wasn’t one of them.

A minute and I realized Shiver had reappeared, lounging
against the wall beside me with his arms folded.

“Not the result you’d hoped for, I take it?”

“You were listening?” I asked, spitting the words, because I
didn’t reckon I was much in the mood to be polite.

“No secrets in the Clan, Hayli,” he said.  “You’re
surrounded by Knacks and Rifts and all manner of curious folks who can do all
manner of curious things.  You can’t keep secrets here.  Rule number one.”

I scowled at my hands.  “I really thought he’d help.  I dan’
have anyone else to ask.”

“What about Kantian?”

I shuddered.  Didn’t want to tell him that I thought Kantian
was part of Shade’s problem, and that I’d seen too many odd things about the
man lately for me to quite trust him.  Derrin…I wanted to talk to Derrin, but
he’d off and disappeared somehow, and I couldn’t track him down anywhere.  He
was as bad as Shade.

“This that new mage you’re talking about?” Shiver asked. 
“What’s his tag?  Shade?”

“How d’you…oh, never mind,” I said. 
No secrets
. 
“Yeah, that’s him.”

“And he’s what, gone a bit barking mad or some such?”

“Dan’ you talk like that about him!” I cried, cheeks
flaming.  “He’s not mad.  I mean, no more than any of us are.  He’s just…he’s
so lost.  And…Rivano should’ve tried to help him.”

“Rivano’s no one’s nanny,” Shiver said. 

I shot him a sullen glare.  “Dan’ na why I’m talking to you
about it, anyhow.  I dan’ na aught about you.”

He didn’t seem impressed.  A quick grin flashed over his
face.  “We’re mages.  That makes us brethren.”

“I dan’ feel particularly
brethren
to every mage I’ve
ever met,” I said.  “Some are just awful.”  I got to my feet and dusted my
hands off on my breeks.  “Well.  See you around, I suppose.”

He opened his mouth to say something to that, but suddenly
someone hollered my name from back in the west wing, the sound of it echoing
through all the hallways.  I froze.  My heart froze.

Oh God, please don’t let it be Shade…

I met Shiver’s gaze, then turned and bolted back toward the
Hole.  I nearly barreled into Anuk in the long hallway, but he grabbed my arms
before I could go toppling over.

“Stars, Anuk!  What’s wrong?”

“Shade lammed off a little while back.”

“I know that already,” I said, running to keep up with him
as he walked.

That’s why I’d gone to Rivano, because I was terrified of
what Shade might be planning…terrified that he might try to finish what Anuk
had stopped last night.

We escaped out into the enclosure, where some of the
skitters were playing in the puddles and the rare winter sunshine.