The Making of Minty Malone (47 page)

‘Bad news?’ he enquired, scratching his unshaven jaw with a sandpapery rasp. He glanced at the reviews. ‘Ah. Yes. Bad news,’ he confirmed. ‘Never mind, Amber.’ He put his arm round her. ‘I still think you’re lovely and clever.’ This did nothing to cheer her up.

‘I’ve been a novelist for ten years,’ she sobbed. ‘Ten years. And look how far I’ve got. Books are my
life
,’ she croaked. ‘They mean
everything
to me. And I really felt that, with this one, I was finally going to break through.’

‘Maybe you should write them a bit …slower,’ I suggested.
‘You do tend to bang them out. Perhaps six months isn’t really long enough to write a g- …um, a novel.’

‘Or maybe …’ Laurie began, and then stopped.

‘Maybe what?’ said Amber.

‘Well, maybe it’s time to reconsider,’ he said softly as he sat down.

‘Sorry?’ said Amber. He was holding her hand, across the table.

‘Maybe it’s time to do something else,’ he went on. ‘Just as I did.’ She was staring at him as though he’d just said, ‘Maybe it’s time for a little vivisection.’

I went up to Pedro, who was perched on top of his open cage, and offered him a sunflower seed. He took it in his beak, flipped it over with his tongue, then cracked it open.

‘Maybe it’s time for a new direction, Amber,’ I heard Laurie say. And as he said that, Pedro suddenly laughed, then spread his wings wide, revealing a rare splash of crimson plumage.

‘A new direction?’ wailed Amber. ‘A new direction? Doing
what
?’

I didn’t say anything right then, but I thought I knew.

‘
Tired of tittle-tattle? Then turn to
Tatler.’

‘Are you happy Minty?’ said Wesley.

‘Am I happy?’ I repeated. ‘No, not really.’

‘
Tatler. Top-notch gossip with nobs on.
’

Wesley put down his copy of
Mother and Baby Care
and gave me an encouraging smile. ‘I mean, are you happy with today’s programme?’

‘Oh. Sorry. Yes. Yes, the programme will be fine.’

‘Running order OK?’

‘The running order’s fine. First, it’s Monica’s report on the Wedding Show. Then I interview the romantic novelist, and at two fifteen we open up the lines to the listeners for the phone-in.’

‘That’s it,’ said Wesley as he resumed his reading.

‘I just hope we get some good punters,’ said Sophie anxiously. ‘Listen, everyone,’ she announced, clapping her hands,
‘have we all got pals lined up with romantic anecdotes in case we start to run short?’

‘Yes!’ we all said reassuringly. Suddenly Jack came in, went up to Wesley’s desk and put down a copy of
Your Baby and Child
by Penelope Leach. He’s being so nice about Iolanthe’s gymslip pregnancy. Obviously, I haven’t mentioned it again; it’s a very delicate matter. But, well, I think his attitude to what’s happened is absolutely great.

‘Thanks for this, Wesley,’ he said. ‘Can I borrow the Miriam Stoppard when you’ve finished?’

I mean, it’s going to be a pretty major disruption to his life, but he’s determined to be supportive.

‘Sure,’ said Wesley. ‘Have you covered diaphragmatic breathing yet?’

‘No, she’s just started doing her pelvic-floor exercises – very important.’

He really is being so generous and mature about it all.

‘What’s your view on the TENS machine?’ Jack asked. ‘Do you think it helps?’

‘Oh yeah. We’re definitely going to hire one.’

‘Jack,’ I said, ‘could I have a word? There’s something I wanted to ask you.’

‘Sure,’ he said, ‘but can it wait till we come off air? I’ve got to go to the hospital with Jane this morning for her first scan.’

‘Jane?’ I said.

‘Yes.’

‘Jane?’ I repeated.

‘Yes, Jane. My wife. She’s having a baby. We told you that.’

‘Ah,’ I said. ‘
She’s
having a baby.’

‘Yes, Minty, she’s having a baby. I thought you knew that. Iolanthe said she’d told you. The girls are really thrilled about it, you know.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. They’re utterly delighted at the prospect of a little sibling.’

‘That’s good.’

‘It’s wonderful, because they’re being
even
nicer to me now!’

Beep. Beep. Beep.
‘It’s two o’clock,’ said Barry as the slender red second hand juddered on to the twelve, ‘and it’s time for today’s edition of
Capitalise
with Minty Malone.’ I felt the usual rush of adrenaline as the studio light flashed green for go.

‘Hello,’ I said. ‘And with the wedding season upon us we’re in a romantic mood. In fact, today’s programme is devoted to one subject: love. How to find it, how to look after it, and why life can be so damn hard without it. Above all, we’d like to hear from
you.
How did you find love? By a stroke of fate? Or by design? Was love there from day one? Or did it grow as slowly as a tree? We want to hear
your
stories, so call us now on 0200 200 200 and tell us how you met your match. In a moment, I’ll be talking to the romantic novelist, Belinda Dougal. But first, our reporter Monica James has been up the aisles – at the London Wedding Show.’

I took my headphones off while we listened to Monica’s report in which she’d interviewed five prospective brides on their progress to the altar.

‘– he got down on one knee.’

‘– he was completely pissed. But so was I.’

‘– I think I had a gun.’

‘– I took a deep breath and asked him!’

‘– I told him I was three months pregnant!’

Monica had mixed the piece with music and atmosphere, interviews with the dress designers, as well as providing some interesting insights into marital traditions. She explained that confetti symbolises fertility; that the veil is meant to ward off evil spirits. That ‘something old, something new’ refers to the brides’ passage from her old life to her new one. It was a good, lively piece, about five minutes long. I back-announced Monica, then Belinda Dougal and I began discussing romantic fiction. She claimed it had never been more popular.

‘Why do you think that is?’ I asked.

‘Perhaps because as people become more cynical about marriage, they need the fantasy of romantic writing more,’ she replied. ‘In romantic fiction the central relationship is severely tested, but by the end it’s been resolved. As we find relationships
harder to sustain in real life, perhaps we have a greater need to see love triumphing in books.’

‘But it’s just escapism, isn’t it?’

‘No. I feel people do believe in the possibility of finding love. Despite the rocketing divorce rate, most of us take the plunge again. We may be marrying less, and cohabiting more, but we’re still looking for relationships that work. In romantic fiction, that’s what we finally get.’

‘Not always,’ I pointed out. ‘Not all romantic novels have happy endings, do they?’

‘That’s true,’ she said, judiciously. ‘In
Anna Karenina
– a great romantic novel – Anna commits suicide. Tess of the d’Urbervilles is led off to her execution just as she’s been reunited with Angel Clare. But even if we don’t hear the peal of wedding bells, and even if the lovers die, what romantic fiction does confirm for us is the human capacity for love.’

‘Don’t you think hi-technology militates against romance these days?’

‘Oh no,’ she said emphatically. ‘I believe it makes it
more
romantic, because people just adapt. Look at all the flirting that goes on over the Internet. And all the website weddings. Technology is simply another string to cupid’s bow.’

By now the computer screen was flashing with names and Wesley was whispering in my ear to start the phone-in.

‘Thank you, Belinda Dougal,’ I said. ‘Please stay with us while we hear from our callers. And we’re joined first by Geraldine from Blackheath. Geraldine, are you a romantic?’

‘Well, I’m not really,’ she began. ‘In fact, I’m quite cynical. I never thought I’d re-marry, but I’ve just got engaged.’

‘Congratulations! What made you change your mind?’

‘It was the irresistible way my fiancé chatted me up. He came straight up to me at a party, introduced himself, and said, “Which end of the bath do you prefer sitting in?” And I thought, what an interesting man.’

‘Thanks, Geraldine, and now on Line 4 we have Dee Brophy, who married a tree. Dee, tell us why you did that.’

‘Well, I felt a tree would be a lot more romantic and affectionate
than some of the guys I’ve dated,’ she said. ‘It’s a silver birch,’ she went on. ‘It’s absolutely gorgeous.’

‘Tall?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well-built?’

‘Very. I fell in love with it at first sight.’

‘And were you lawfully, er, wooded, as it were?’

‘Oh yes. I found a vicar to conduct the ceremony, I wore a lovely white dress and we had a champagne reception in the field.’

‘Now, this brings us on to the subject of alternative weddings,’ I said as Dee Brophy was faded out. ‘What do we all think of the “Civil Service” now that the church no longer has a monopoly? On Line 3 is Julie, who thinks that wacky weddings aren’t necessarily a good thing. Why do you say that, Julie?’

‘Well, it detracts from the solemnity of it all. I mean, the law states that premises must be “seemly and dignified”. But marrying in a theme park or getting hitched on a football pitch seems to trivialise the whole thing.’

‘I agree,’ said Lisa on a slightly crackly Line 4. ‘I went to a wedding recently, and the couple – who are both scuba divers – got married in flippers and masks. It wasn’t exactly a solemn occasion,’ she said, ‘so I wonder whether or not it will prove binding.’

‘On the other hand,’ cut in Belinda, ‘I think the availability of these non-church weddings makes marriage seem more attractive to people who might not otherwise take the plunge.’

‘It’s good,’ Wesley whispered into my cans. ‘Move on to how to meet new people.’

‘But before commitment, we have the search,’ I said. ‘And these days more and more people seem to be giving fate a helping hand. Rachel, for example, from Bounds Green. Hello, Rachel – you’re on air.’

‘Hello, Minty. Well, I’m a freelance graphic designer,’ she began, ‘and I work at home. So I found it hard to meet anyone
and I was feeling a bit depressed, until a friend persuaded me to join this introduction agency and, well …’

‘What happened?’ I said, agog.

‘WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!’ we heard in the background.

‘Oh Lord,’ she said anxiously. ‘That’s the baby – I’d better go. But as you can hear,’ she added with a laugh, ‘it worked. I met five really nice men, and then I met my husband. He was the sixth. And he’s gorgeous, and we’re just incredibly happy.’

‘That’s fantastic.’

‘Well,
I
joined one of these marriage bureaux things,’ said Ruth from Acton indignantly, ‘but all the men were old and hideous!’

‘You joined the wrong one then,’ said Rachel.

‘And now on Line 6 we have …Tiffany Trott.’ That name sounded vaguely familiar. Tiffany Trott …Tiffany Trott …oh, yes, she was a friend of Helen’s sister, Kate.

‘Hello, Tiffany,’ I said. ‘And what’s your story?’

‘Well, I’d kissed so many frogs, my lips had gone
green
!’ she began with a giggle. ‘But then I decided to answer a small ad, and that’s how I met my bloke.’

‘What did his advert say?’

‘It said he was an “Adventurous, Seriously Successful, Managing Director, forty-one”. So I just call him “Seriously Successful” for short. Anyway, we’re brilliantly happy. In fact, we got married two months ago. And the reason I’m calling is to say that it doesn’t matter
how
you meet the right person, as long as you meet them in the end.’

‘I quite agree,’ said Belinda as Tiffany Trott was faded out. I looked at my computer screen again. Ah
ha.

‘And on Line 3 now we have Laurie Wilkes, from Canonbury.’

‘I met my girlfriend in a
very
romantic way,’ he began.

‘Did you?’ I said, disingenuously.

‘I was her male escort.’

‘
Really
?’

‘Yes. I was her walker,’ he explained. ‘She hired me to accompany her to a charity ball.’

‘Was that fun?’

‘Great fun,’ he said. ‘And she fell for me
instantly.
Didn’t you, Amber?’

There was a guffaw in the background and then Amber grabbed the phone.

‘No. It’s bollocks – Ooh, sorry, listeners! – I mean, it’s
baloney.
We fought like cat and dog until, well, quite recently, actually.’

‘What made you change your mind?’

‘I can tell you exactly. You see, Laurie’s a vet. And one of my cat’s new kittens was very sick. I was very upset about it. I thought it was dying, and I didn’t know what to do. So at four o’clock in the morning I phoned Laurie, and he offered to come round, despite the fact that he had a big exam the same day. It was then, when he did that, without a murmur, that I realised I’d fallen in love with him.’

I glanced at Belinda. Her eyes had misted over.

‘And why did you hire Laurie in the first place?’ I said.

‘Because I needed a partner.’

‘And now you’ve got one!’

‘Yes,’ she said happily. ‘I have. And what I want to say,’ she went on, seriously now, ‘is that it’s funny how life turns out. You see, the reason why I wanted to go to that ball was because I knew my ex-boyfriend would be there and I was trying to get him back. So I went looking for my past, but instead, I found …’ she was clearly overcome – she’s so emotional – ‘Instead, I found …’

‘Me,’ said Laurie.

I could hear Amber sniffing now. And I looked through the glass and everyone was riveted, and Sophie had a tissue to her eyes.

‘Laurie was very expensive,’ said Amber, laughing now. ‘It cost me two hundred pounds to hire him, but I can truly say it was money well spent.’

‘Ah, thank you darling.’

‘This is
brilliant
,’ said Wesley into my ‘phones. ‘We’re getting so many calls.’

It seemed that everyone in London wanted to tell their story.

‘– We met hang-gliding.’

‘– We met at the Tate.’

‘– We met at a funeral.’

‘– We met at a singles do.’

‘I met my w-w-wife at a p-p-p-p-’

‘–arty?’ I suggested.

‘Yes. At a p-p-p-party,’ stuttered Darren from Essex. ‘And the amazing thing was …’