The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (17 page)

An Aussie bloke meets a young New Zealander and they fall in love and get married. On their wedding night, she turns to him and says, “Can you please be gentle with me? I’m still a virgin.”

The groom quickly gets out of bed and phones his father. “Strewth, dad, she’s a virgin. What the hell do I do?”

His dad replies, “Tell her to sling her hook, son! If she’s not good enough for her own family, then she ain’t good enough for ours!”

An Aussie was driving along through the outback in his four-wheel-drive, when he saw an Aborigine carrying two sheets of corrugated iron and a crate of beer. He stopped to give him a lift and the Aborigine chucked the two sheets of corrugated iron and beer in the back and hopped in beside the driver. “What the hell are you doing, mate, wandering around the outback with two sheets of corrugated iron and a crate of beer?” the driver asked.

“The wife kicked me out,” the Aborigine explained. “We had a court case. She got the kids, I got the house and contents.”

A British tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a man having sex with a sheep. Horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight double whisky. Just as he was about to knock it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

“For pity’s sake!” the Brit cried. “What the hell is wrong with this country? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep and now some bloke’s wanking himself off in the bar!”

“Fair dinkum, mate,” replied the barman. “You can’t expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep, can you?”

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days. On the seventh, Michael the Archangel found him resting. He enquired, “Where have you been, God?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” enquired the Archangel, a trifle confused.

God pointed to different parts of Earth. “Look over there, for example. That is Northern Europe. It will be cold but it will be a place of great opportunity and wealth. Southern Europe, however, will have good weather but it is going to be relatively poor.”

“I think I get it,” said Michael the Archangel.

God continued: “Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North Americans will be rich and powerful and cold and everyone will hate them, while South Americans will be poor and hot and happy and friendly. Can you see the balance?”

“Yes,” said Michael the Archangel, impressed by God’s work. Then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, “What’s that one, God?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and a fabulous coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent, extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will also be strong in character and will admired and respected by all who come across them.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration. “But, God, you said there will be balance.”

“Yes,” God replied. “Just wait until you see the twats I’m putting next door to them.”

How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?

Ask them both “Have you ever fucked a nine-year-old?” – the Kiwi will answer, “Christ, no way, mate! That’s gross.” The Aussie will have a puzzled look on his face and reply, “A nine-year-old what?”

A New Zealander and an Aussie were chewing the fat one afternoon over a cold tinny. After a while the Aussie said to the Kiwi, “If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related, mate?”

The Kiwi thought about it for a couple of minutes, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, “Well, I’m not sure about related, mate, but it would make us even.”

An Australian walks into a bar in London. The barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. They get chatting and at the end of her shift he asks her if she fancies a quick shag. Although she is really attracted to him she sensibly declines. He then offers to pay her £200 for sex. As the barmaid is on a gap year and travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the Aussie guy turns up at the bar again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the evening he asks if she fancies a shag again for £200. She thinks to herself, “What the hell – I had a great night last night and I could do with the money” – so she agrees. This goes on for five nights.

On the sixth night the Aussie walks into the bar again and orders a beer, but this time he takes his drink and just sits in the corner. The barmaid is disappointed and goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he is from.

“Near Melbourne.”

“Really? So am I,” she says. “Whereabouts near Melbourne?”

“Box Hill,” he says.

“That’s amazing,” she says, “so am I – what street?”

“North Albert Road,” he says.

“This is unbelievable,” she says, “what number?”

He says “Number 20.”

She is astonished: “You are not going to believe this,” she says, “I’m from number 22 – my parents still live there!”

“I know,” he says, “your dad gave me £1,000 to give you.”

Why do so many Australian men suffer from premature ejaculation?