The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (191 page)

She says: “Excuse me sonny, but do you have ‘Jingle Bells’ on a seven inch?”

He replies: “No, but I’ve got dangling balls on a nine inch.”

“That’s not a record, is it?”

“No, but it’s pretty good for a ten-year-old.”

A very ugly woman is walking down the supermarket aisle with her two sons.

A man stops her and asks: “Excuse me, are they twins?”

The woman replies: “What a stupid question. One is three years old and the other is ten. Isn’t it pretty obvious they’re not twins?”

The man replies: “I thought as much. I just can’t believe someone fucked you twice.”

An elderly woman goes into fishing tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just takes one over to the counter. She says to the salesman, “Excuse me, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He replies: “Madam, I’m completely blind, but if you’ll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She is sceptical but decides to humour him anyway and drops it on the counter.

“That’s a six-foot graphite rod with a 404 reel and a 10-lb test line. It’s a great choice because it is on offer, this week only, for £60.”

The customer is amazed. “You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“American Express, if I’m not mistaken,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is deeply embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way the blind shop owner could possibly tell that it was her.

The blind shop owner rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be £74.50, please.”

The woman is confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you say that the rod and reel were on sale for £60?”

“Yes, madam.”

“How did you get £74.50?”

He replies: “The rod and reel are £60, the duck caller is £11 and the bag of fish bait is £3.50.”

A pair of Siamese twins walk into a pub in New York and park themselves on adjacent bar stools. One of them says to the bartender, “Hi there. Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m Tom, he’s Dick. We’ll have two Budweisers please.”

The bartender, feeling a little awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Have you been on vacation yet?”

“Actually, we’re off to England next week,” says Tom.

“That’s nice. Been there before?” asks the barman.

“Yep, we go to England every year and rent a car and drive for miles all over the country, isn’t that right, Dick?”

“We sure do,” says Dick.

“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “What a wonderful country to visit. London . . . Stratford upon Avon . . . Stonehenge . . . the history, the soccer . . . the beer, the culture . . .”

“Nah, we hate all that British shit,” says Tom. “Warm beer, what’s that all about? And as for soccer – you can shove it up your ass. Baseball and Buds beer, that’s us, right, Dick? And we can’t stand the English. They’re such a bunch of fucking effeminate stuck-up cunts.”

“So why keep going over there?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only time Dick here gets a chance to drive.”

Did you hear about the female parachutist?

She pulled the wrong string and bled to death.

Why do women parachutists wear tampons?

So they don’t whistle on the way down.

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Fuck!” A bad skydiver goes, “Fuck!” WHACK!

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you
.

What’s the similarity between skydiving and getting a blow job from your grandmother?

They both feel exhilarating so long as you don’t look down.

A blind man takes up skydiving, to the general amazement of his friends. When one of them asks how this was possible, he explains: “Everyone is extremely helpful. I am placed in the door with my blind dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”