The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (198 page)

I was in Tesco yesterday, and a woman dropped dead in front of me. I felt really bad for her, she’d just bought a bag for life.

A little boy gets lost in the supermarket. Eventually a shop assistant sees him wandering around, and he tells her, “I can’t find my mum.”

The shop assistant enquires, “What’s your mum like?” He replies, “Bacardi Breezers and big dicks.”

A man is standing in a queue at the supermarket when he sees this busty brunette staring at him. He can’t quite believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

“Excuse me, do I know you?” he asks.

“Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids,” she says.

The man thinks hard and says, “Fuck me, are you the bird I shagged on my stag do while your friend whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m your son’s English teacher!”

A man walked into a bar with two black eyes. The barman said, “What happened to you?”

The man replied, “I was standing behind a big woman at the supermarket checkout. I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”

“Where did you get the other shiner?” the barman asked.

“Well, I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in.”

A married couple are shopping in the local supermarket when the husband picks up a crate of beer and sticks it in their trolley.

“What are you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on offer,” he replies.

“Put them back. We can’t afford it!” insists the wife, and they carry on shopping. A couple of aisles later, she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.

“How come I have to give up stuff and you don’t?” he complains.

“She countered, “The make up is so I can look good for you.”

“No,” he replied, “that’s what the fucking beer is for.”

Mike went to see his doctor, complaining of headaches. The doctor examined him and said, “Mike, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Mike was shocked and severely depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. His head was swimming and he couldn’t concentrate enough to think straight, but realized he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in twenty years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need – a new suit.”

He went into the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefy and said, “Let’s see . . . size 44 long.”

Mike laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“I’ve been in the business fifty years!”

Mike tried on the suit and it was a perfect fit. As Mike admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Mike thought for a moment and then said, “Why not!”

The salesman eyed him and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve & 16½ neck.”

Again, Mike was amazed. “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business fifty years!”

Mike tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Mike admired his new outfit in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Mike was on a roll and said, “Sure.”

The salesman looked at Mike’s fleet and said, “Let’s see . . . 9½ E.”

Mike was astonished, “That’s right, don’t tell me – you’ve been in the business fifty years!”

They both laughed. Mike tried on the shoes and, of course, they fitted perfectly. He walked around the shop to see how they felt. The salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Mike thought for a second and said, “Sure.”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Mike’s waist and said, “Let’s see . . . size 36.”

Mike laughed, “Aha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Why don’t women have colostomies?

Because they can’t get the shoes to match the bag.

A gorgeous young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She is gowned up and placed on a trolley by the nurse and wheeled into the corridor. After a while, a young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the gown and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and performs the same examination.