The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (213 page)

A Welshman is having a driving lesson. The instructor asks, “Can you make a u-turn?”

“Sure can,” he replies, “I can make its eyes water if I go in dry.”

I once had a job in one of those paperless offices. It was okay until I needed a shit.

What’s the worst thing about rising unemployment? It gets more difficult to shag your girlfriend with her husband at home.

A large bank hired a new chief executive officer to rid the company of deadwood. On a tour of the firm’s headquarters, the CEO noticed a young man slouching against a counter with his hands in his pockets. The room was full of employees and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the young man and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make £300 a week. What’s it to you?”

The CEO then handed him £1,200 in cash and bawled, “Here’s a month’s pay. Now FUCK OFF and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy bastard did around here?”

From across the room an employee shouted, “He delivered pizza from Domino’s.”

Unemployed and desperate for work, Steve decides to accept a job, mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he finally arrives at the mining camp, hundreds of miles from the nearest town. The camp is very small, with only a few miners. He meets the manager, who explains what his job entails. “You work for six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your main job is to clear out the rubble and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work is hard but you will get used to it.”

The next morning Steve goes to work. The work is very hard, but he is a strong lad and he can get through it. By the time Thursday comes around, however, he is feeling homesick and very lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles away he wonders how the other guys cope from day to day. So, he approaches the mine manager for advice.

“The job is okay and I have no complaints about the work, but I was kind of wondering what the other miners do for women around here?”

“Say no more,” said the manager. “Follow me.”

He leads Steve deep into the mine and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a really ancient looking tunnel. “There,” the manager says, pointing at a barrel. “The other miners use this.”

“How?” says Steve.

“Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out.”

Steve is more than a little embarrassed and very sceptical about this, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He sticks his dick in the knot hole and can’t believe the results – it actually feels like the best blow job he’s ever had in his life! Friday comes around and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Unbelievable! This time the blow job is even better than the first time. Steve sleeps in on Saturday, his day off, and gets up for breakfast feeling really great. There isn’t much to do, so he goes for a walk. On his way he bumps into the manager, who asks him: “Where do you think you’re going?”

“It’s my day off . . .”

“Day off? Christ, no! It’s your turn in the barrel.”

A manager calls four of his employees into the office: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

The black employee steps forward and says, “I’m a protected minority. Fire me and I’ll sue for racial discrimination.”

The female employee steps forward and says: “And I’m a woman. Fire me and I’ll sue for sexual discrimination.”

The oldest employee says: “Fire me, son, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

They all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks for a moment, then says: “I think I might be gay.”

One day, while on a safari holiday in Kenya, a man was walking through the bush when he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant was clearly in some distress, so the man approached it very cautiously. As he got closer he realized that there appeared to be something sticking out of the elephant’s foot. He got down on one knee and carefully inspected the bottom of the elephant’s foot, only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully as he possibly could, he tugged at the thorn until it came out. The elephant gingerly put its foot down, then turned on the man with a wild look in its eyes, staring him down.

The man was frozen in panic. For what seemed like an eternity, he stood rooted to the ground with the elephant towering over him, convinced that he was about to be trampled to death. Then, to his huge relief, the elephant turned and walked away.