The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (28 page)

“Okay but how do we get there.”

The blonde replied, “Don’t you still have those big red trucks?”

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

Gifted.

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, “Please come over and help me. I’ve got this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The girlfriend says, “According to the picture it’s a giant hen.”

The boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When he arrives the girlfriend has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a giant hen. So let’s forget about the jigsaw and have a nice cup of tea.”

“And then,” he says with a deep sigh, “we’re going to put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?

The blonde, because she’s eighteen.

What do you get when a naked blonde does a handstand?

A brunette with very bad breath.

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and grant him three wishes. He makes his three wishes and the blonde genies vanish. Suddenly he finds himself in a bedroom in a fabulous mansion, surrounded by a bevy of stunningly beautiful women. He makes love to all of them.

The following morning he starts to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something rustling under his feet. He looks down and notices the foor is covered in £50 notes. Next, there is a knock at the door, so he answers it! Standing outside are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfts. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb and hang him by the neck until dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away they remove their hoods, revealing their true identities as the two blonde genies of the lamp. One blonde genie says to the other, “I can understand his first wish . . . banging all those beautiful women in a big mansion, etc. I also get the bit about him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”

Women don’t care how big your penis is. They would, except they’re too busy worrying about the size of their tits.

Why is the part of a woman between her hips and her breasts called a waist?

Because they could have easily fitted in another pair of tits there.

What are the small bumps around a woman’s’ nipples for?

They are Braille for “suck here”.

An old man was lying on the beach next to a voluptuous young girl in a bikini. “Excuse me,” the old man said to her. “Would you mind if I feel your tits?”

“Clear off, you old pervert!” she replied.

“I will give you ten quid if you let me feel your tits,” he said.

“£10, are you mad!? Get away from me!”

“Okay I’ll give you £100 if you let me feel your tits,” he persisted.

“NO! Get away from me!”

“£200,” he offered.

She paused to think about it for a couple of seconds, but then came to her senses and said, “I said NO!”

“£500 if you let me feel your tits,” he continued. At this point she thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough, and £500 IS a lot of money, and it might be the only way to get rid of him.

“Well, okay,” she said, “but only for a minute.”

She loosened her bikini top and while both of them are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to cop a feel. Then the old man started to moan, “OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD,” all the time he was caressing her tits.