The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (78 page)

Later Johnny took his jar of goo to his science teacher. “Look at my jar of goo, Mr Schimidt!” Mr Schimidt said,

“Johnny, this is not ‘goo’, this is ‘nuclear waste’. The nearby reactor had a leak, causing nuclear acid rain.” Mr Schimidt continued, “Johnny, you didn’t happen to drink any, did you?” Johnny admitted that he had. “Johnny, I’m afraid you’re going to get cancer and die.”

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

A necrophiliac walks into a bar. All the while he harbours a pathological compulsion to have sex with dead people.

“Doctor, I’ve broken my leg.”Doctor: “I’m afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly again.”

There’s a German, a Jew and an Arab sitting in a pub. What a prime example of an inter-racial harmony.

My wife is so fat she has to wear clothes in large sizes.

What do you call it when someone wipes out an entire race of people?

Genocide.

Stevie Wonder walks into a store. He is unaware of his predicament, so to derive humour from the situation would be cruel and exploitative.

Knock-knock.

Knock-knock.

It appears that there is no one home, I’ll come back later.

A man walks into a bar. As a result he needs stitches on his forehead because he hit it quite hard.

How many Irish people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It shouldn’t take more than one person to complete this task, regardless of nationality.

Little Johnny comes back from school crying, and says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”

His mother replies, “Yes, Johnny. This is because you suffer from encephalitis and the other children are merely observing your symptoms.”

How do you stop a clown from smiling?