The Manning Brides (23 page)

Leah sank into the chair across from Paul’s mother. It was all she could do not to cry out that she’d never meant for Paul to kiss her.

“Our family is deeply indebted to you, Leah,” his mother began.

“Nonsense.”

“No,” Elizabeth said firmly. “We’re grateful for the way you’ve stepped in and helped Paul and the children. You’ve made a world of difference to their lives, and ours, too.

“I was terribly worried about Paul after Diane died, you know. I thought he might need counselling, but he gradually worked through his grief.”

“We both have.” Learning to deal with her sister’s death had been a painful process for Leah, too.

“The twins are doing so much better,” Elizabeth went on. “You were right, they needed their own home and their own toys and familiar friends. These last two months have been good for Ryan and Ronnie. There’s color in their cheeks and they’re laughing again. And Kelsey’s growing like a weed.”

“I found her standing up this morning. That little rascal’s going to be walking soon.” Leah had difficulty keeping the pride out of her voice.

Elizabeth beamed. “That’s a perfect example of what I mean.”

“You give me more credit than I deserve.”

“I doubt it.” Elizabeth’s smile slowly faded, and her blue eyes grew serious. “I believe you told Paul you’d be willing to stay with him and the children until the boys were in school full-time and Kelsey’s in preschool?”

Leah nodded. “He won’t have to deal with three preschoolers a couple of years down the road. By then, he’ll be able to deal with the situation a lot better.”

“What do you think will happen to the children after you leave?” Elizabeth asked candidly.

“I-I don’t understand.”

“How do you think the twins and Kelsey will react once you move out?” she elaborated.

“That’s several years away. There’s no way of knowing how they’ll feel.”

“I think there is. The twins have already lost their mother, and we’re both aware of how deeply Diane’s death affected them.”

Leah said nothing, her heart growing heavy with doubts.

“As for Kelsey…you’re the only mother she’s ever known.”

“Oh, dear,” Leah breathed. “I never thought…I just didn’t realize…” She’d been so stupid, so blind. She’d hoped her moving in with Paul would be a solution; instead it was creating more problems. The time would come when she’d have to go. She couldn’t continue living with Paul indefinitely.

“What should I do?” she asked, her eyes pleading with Paul’s mother. “I can’t leave the children now—I love them so much.” A panicky feeling washed over her. She’d been foolish and thoughtless, but it was too late to change that now.

“I know how you feel about the children.”

That was something else Leah had failed to consider—her own feelings. She loved these children as much as if she’d given birth to them herself. Walking away from them would be agony—unbearable agony.

“There
is
a solution.” Elizabeth’s voice came through the haze of regrets in Leah’s mind. “Although you may not completely agree with me…”

Leah raised her eyes to Elizabeth’s, her heart in turmoil. “Solution?” she whispered.

“Leah, I’ve upset you.”

“No…no.” She reached for Elizabeth’s hands. “You’ve pointed out some things I should’ve considered. I can’t believe I was so…thoughtless.”

Elizabeth nodded and, looking a bit uneasy, asked, “I hope you won’t feel I’m prying—but how’s your relationship with Paul?”

Leah could feel the color rise to her cheeks. “We get along…just fine. We always have. He’s wonderful with the children, and I’ve always liked and respected him.” She knew she was talking too fast, but couldn’t make herself slow down.

“So, the two of you are compatible?”

“Oh, yes—we haven’t had a single disagreement.” She didn’t think she could count a kiss as a dispute. Perhaps if they were at odds more often, she wouldn’t feel this growing attraction to him.

“I hear from Paul that you’re dating a fellow professor.”

“Sort of…yes. His name’s Rob Mullins, and we’ve gone out a couple of times in the last few weeks.” She didn’t mention that she wouldn’t be seeing Rob again.

Elizabeth hesitated, and Leah had the impression she found this part of the conversation disconcerting. “Do you have…feelings for Rob?”

Leah frowned, not sure where Elizabeth was going with this. “Not exactly—we’re friends.”

Elizabeth seemed relieved at that. Her smile broadened, and she gently squeezed Leah’s fingers. “As I said earlier, I think Eric and I may have come across the perfect solution. We talked about it at some length and although we’re well aware that what happens between you and Paul is none of our concern, we felt we needed to speak up.”

“Of course.”

Elizabeth made a shallow attempt at a smile. “Have you ever thought of marrying Paul?”

Marrying Paul?

For some reason Leah recalled the night before, when she’d been unable to sleep and had left her room, hoping a glass of milk would help. She hadn’t known Paul was up. If she had, she would never have ventured into the hallway. Would never have opened her door.

By the time she noticed her mistake, it was too late. Although she’d plastered herself against the wall in the hallway, willing him to pass and return to his own room, he’d stayed where he was, his eyes meeting hers in the dim light.

Before she could stop herself, Leah had realized they were only inches apart. She’d so desperately wanted his touch that she’d nearly swayed into his arms.

How they were able to break away from each other Leah didn’t know. She hadn’t realized it was possible for two people to come so close to making love without even touching.

“Leah?” Elizabeth’s voice broke into her thoughts.

“Yes?” Startled, she looked up, surprised to find that Paul and his father were in the room.

“I believe we’ve given these two something to think about,” Eric Manning was saying. “We should leave now and let them discuss it in privacy.”

Elizabeth stood and Leah did, too, impulsively hugging Paul’s mother. She closed her eyes for a moment, wondering how to rectify what she’d done. These past few weeks had been among the happiest of her life. For the first time since childhood, she felt as though she belonged, as though she was needed and loved. But in her ignorance she’d overlooked what should’ve been obvious. Worse, she didn’t know what to do about it. Elizabeth’s suggestion would never work. Paul wouldn’t want to marry her. Nor should he have to.

Paul and his father exchanged handshakes, and then Paul escorted his parents to the front door. Leah set her iced tea glass in the sink.

When he returned to the kitchen, Leah was staring down at the kitchen table. Then, seeking his reassurance, she slowly raised her eyes to his.

“Tell me about your health insurance!” Paul said, sounding angry.

“My…health insurance?”

“Yes.” It was so rare for Paul to raise his voice that he’d shocked her.

“I could be ruining the children’s lives, and you’re worried about my
health insurance?
”

“What?” He shook his head. “You’ve been canceled, haven’t you?” he demanded.

Leah shrank from the cold fury she saw in him. “I don’t know…. Is it important?”

“Yes. And what did you mean you’ve ‘ruined the children’s lives’? You’ve been our salvation!” He rammed both hands through his hair. “I’m the one who’s been selfish.” He walked away from her, then pivoted sharply. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“About my health insurance? Trust me, Paul, I was dealing with more important matters.”

“Like planting a garden?”

“Yes, like planting a garden.” She didn’t understand his anger. It was so unlike him. She turned away, fighting tears. “If it’ll make you happy, I’ll see to it tomorrow morning. Why are you acting like this?”

“My father pointed out a few home truths.” He grimaced. “I can’t believe I’ve been so obtuse. I should never have allowed you to move in.”

Leah thought she might be physically sick. Paul was going to send her away. For all the reasons his mother had mentioned.

“No!” Her cry came straight from her heart. “I won’t let you do it.”

“Do
what?
”

“Send me away. I’ll fight you. I’ll even fight your parents, but I refuse to leave Kelsey and the twins.”
And you,
she added silently.

“Send you away?” Paul repeated, aghast. “I shouldn’t have let you come, but now that you’re here, I’d never make you go….” He hesitated, suddenly pale. “Unless that’s what you want.”

Tears of release and relief filled her eyes. She brushed them aside, not wanting Paul to know how badly she’d needed his assurance.

“Do you
want
to leave, Leah?”

She glared at him, her eyes defiant. “No! I just got done telling you that.”

He sighed and took one step toward her, then stopped, his look intense. “Did my mother suggest the same solution to you as my dad did to me?”

Leah watched him closely, hoping to read his reaction. “She…thought we should get married.”

“And?”

“And…I haven’t had time to think about it. But it seems…above and beyond the call of duty for you to marry me.”

Paul’s eyes narrowed as he studied her. Apparently he didn’t understand.

“I already explained I’m not the marrying kind,” she added, trying to salvage what remained of her pride.

“I never have understood that attitude. You’re a warm, gracious, generous woman. What makes you think you’re unmarriageable?”

Leah laughed nervously. She’d never received much attention from the opposite sex, not even when she was younger and prettier. She was too bookish for most men. Too serious. She hadn’t fallen in love in her twenties, and by the time she was thirty, she’d ruled out any possibility of marriage.

“I mean it.” Paul sounded angry again.

Leah hesitated. Her heart was racing with hope. For the first time in her life she had a chance at real happiness, a promise of something more than she’d ever dared dream. A family. Home. Love. Yes, it had all belonged to her sister, but Diane had come to her in the dream. Diane had sent her to Paul and the children.

“Are you saying you’d be willing to marry me?” she asked in a rush.

Paul buried his hands in his pockets. “Yes. If it wasn’t so unfair to you.”

“Unfair?”

“Leah, look around you! I’m raising three motherless children. I’ll be paying Diane’s hospital bills for the next two years and—”

“I know all that.”

“I don’t have anything to offer you.”

Only a wealth beyond her wildest dreams—a wealth that had nothing to do with material things. He was offering her more love than she’d ever thought to find.

“What about the children I love? A home? A family?”

When Paul’s gaze connected with hers, he looked uncertain. “That would be enough for you?”

Leah nodded.

His voice was gruff with emotion when he spoke. “Will you marry me, Leah, for all our sakes?”

In a heartbeat.
“Yes,” she whispered. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Paul.”

“W
e’re mature adults,” Leah said as solemnly as she could. “We both realize this isn’t a love match.”

“We’re going into this with our eyes wide open,” Paul agreed.

“Exactly.” The relief she felt knowing she wouldn’t be forced to leave the children was so great that Leah slumped in the kitchen chair, holding up her head with both hands. She brushed loose strands of hair from her forehead and smiled weakly up at Paul.

“There is love involved, though,” Paul said pointedly, studying her.

She’d never been more aware of a man’s look. Engrossed in it. Absorbed. Since the night they’d kissed, she’d noticed that the way Paul looked at her had changed. Once again she wished she was more experienced in relationships, because she couldn’t say exactly
how
it had changed—or what it meant. He seemed to watch her more closely, his gaze bolder, less veiled. She glanced up to see that he was still waiting for her to respond to his statement.

“Naturally there’s love involved,” she said, speaking too quickly. “We both love the children,” she added, hating the breathless quality of her words.

Paul pulled out a chair and sat across from her. “The children are a vitally important part of this, but there’s more involved here. I want to know what you feel for me.”

Leah had come to know a directness about Paul that she loved…and feared. Her own manner was more subtle and she tended to think more slowly and methodically. To her, every aspect of a problem needed to be analyzed and then logically examined. It was the way she lived her life.

Paul, on the other hand, had neither the time nor the patience to mull over any issue. He wrote to a deadline, and believed that it shouldn’t take more than five minutes to think through a situation.

Defining feelings seemed to come more easily to him, as well. Leah had always found that difficult.

“Leah?” Paul prodded when she didn’t answer right away.

“I…I don’t know what I feel for you.” It was an honest answer…as honest as she dared. She was afraid to love him, and even more afraid that she already did. He made her experience emotions, physical desires, that she hadn’t known she was capable of feeling.

“What do you expect from this marriage?” Paul asked her next.

“I don’t know that, either. I haven’t had time to think about it.” Then it struck her, something she should’ve considered much earlier. “What exactly do
you
expect?”

“A wife.”

He left it at that, left it for her to fill in the blanks. “I…see.”

“Do you, Leah? After we’re married, I’ll want you to move into my bedroom, share my life and my bed.” He hesitated as though he expected an argument. “I realize you don’t love me now, but I’m hoping you will in time. Do you have a problem with that?”

Talking so openly had always made Leah uneasy. She lowered her eyes. “No…but do you honestly think we can make a marriage work?”

“Of course. Otherwise I’d never agree to it, and neither would you.”

“I’ve been so obtuse,” she said, recalling her conversation with his mother. “I can’t believe I was so inconsiderate. I really hadn’t given any thought to how the children would feel after I moved out.”

“I wasn’t thinking too clearly myself.”

“It’s so unlike me.”

“I know. Me too.”

“Why did it take your parents so long to say something?” The concerns Elizabeth raised were valid and should have been voiced sooner, in Leah’s opinion.

“I asked my dad the same thing,” Paul told her. “He said they’d just thought of all this.”

“Well, I’m glad they did—for the children’s sake.”

Paul merely nodded.

Paul glanced nervously at his watch. He only had an hour for lunch and Leah was already five minutes late. He knew something must have detained her, since she was as punctual as she was honest.

Pacing the hallway outside the licensing office in the King County Courthouse, he thought over the changes of the past two days. For the first time in nearly a week, he’d slept soundly. The erotic fantasies centering on Leah that had cost him several nights’ sleep had eased. When he went to bed, he closed his eyes, half-fearing she’d stroll into his mind. A vision of her had made nightly appearances since he’d kissed her. She’d smile seductively at him, and then his imagination would take over, tormenting him for hours on end.

But it hadn’t happened since Leah had agreed to marry him. Perhaps that was because he knew it was only a matter of time before he made love to her. He’d made sure the night of his parents’ visit that Leah understood theirs would be a real marriage.

There’d been a time, not all that distant, when he would’ve pleaded with God to help him, pleaded with Diane to forgive him and wallowed in guilt for even thinking of making love to his sister-in-law. He felt an acceptance now, an inevitability.

He
needed
Leah. Not for the physical release her body would yield him, although that was part of it. He needed her the way a man needs the substance of life. Air. Water. Food. Just as she was vital to his children, Leah was vital to him. He woke in the morning, and his first thoughts were of her. During the workday he often found himself looking at his watch and calculating how long it would be before he could go home—to her and his children. He wasn’t sure when all this had started to happen or even if it was a good thing. All he knew was that it
was
happening.

Did he love Leah?

Paul didn’t know. Certainly what he felt for her was unlike his love for Diane. In the months since her death, Paul had become more objective about his marriage to Leah’s younger sister. He loved Diane, heart and soul. He’d never experienced deeper grief than when he’d lost her. She was an unselfish woman, and he knew she wouldn’t have wanted him and the children to live alone. He genuinely believed Diane would have approved of his marrying Leah. Of Leah raising her kids.

To Paul’s way of thinking, if he were to marry a second time, Leah was the perfect choice. For the obvious reasons, yes, but for less obvious ones, too.

In marrying Leah, he’d still be able to hold on to Diane, remain emotionally faithful to her. The two sisters would be forever linked in his mind, his heart. Leah shared his love for Diane, and that alone averted the potential resentments and problems of a second marriage. Leah wouldn’t make unreasonable demands in an effort to force Diane out of his life.

Less than a month ago, if anyone—his father or any of his brothers—had suggested he remarry, Paul would’ve resisted it, regardless of the proposed partner. Even Leah. He hadn’t been ready, emotionally or in any other way.

“Paul!” Leah hurried down the courthouse corridor. “I’m so sorry I’m late.”

She looked nice, Paul observed. Her hair was held back on either side by silver clips, and she wore a simple linen dress that skimmed her figure.

“I hope I haven’t kept you waiting,” she said.

“No more than five minutes. Don’t worry about it.”

“The babysitter was late, and then I couldn’t find a parking place and—”

“You’re here now and that’s all that matters.”

She placed her hand over her heart as though to calm its pounding, and Paul ignored the urge to put his arm around her. He found himself looking for excuses to touch her, but so far had managed not to. His fear was that once he did, he wouldn’t be able to stop. A touch would lead to a kiss and a kiss would lead…who knew where.

“We apply for the marriage license over here,” he said, directing her through a pair of doors.

She nodded, then paused before entering the office. “You’re sure you want to go through with this?” she whispered without looking at him.

If either of them was going to entertain second thoughts, the time was now. Yet Paul didn’t hesitate. He knew what he wanted; he wanted Leah. “Positive. What about you?”

Her smile was sweet. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Applying for the marriage license took barely five minutes. Paul was glad that Leah had left the kids with a sitter. For the first time since she’d moved in with him, he had uninterrupted time alone with her—away from the house.

“How about lunch?”

His invitation seemed to surprise—and please—her. “I’d like that.”

There was a popular bookstore off First Avenue with a small restaurant in the basement. Paul ate there often and enjoyed the feel of the place. It wasn’t fancy, or even close to fancy, and it certainly wasn’t where a man would take a woman he wanted to impress. But it was a restaurant Paul knew Leah would love.

They stood in line to order, then found a table at the back, next to an old brick wall hung with bookshelves and pieces by local artists.

“This is perfect,” Leah said, glancing eagerly around.

“I thought you’d like it.”

She smiled shyly. “I have some exciting news.”

“Oh?”

“Kelsey took her first step this morning!”

Leah looked as proud as if his daughter had flown to the moon and back on her own power.

“I’ve been expecting it any day,” he said, smiling back at her.

“The boys were as excited as I was.”

“I remember when Ryan and Ronnie were that age.”

A waitress delivered their chicken pot pies and hot coffee.

Leah reached for her fork. “Who walked first, Ryan or Ronnie?”

“Ryan. He wanted his blankie, and since I was holding it out to him, the most expedient way to collect it was to take a few steps in my direction. As I recall, Ronnie refused to allow his brother to outdo him and walked almost immediately afterward.”

“It’s hard to remember the boys at a year old,” Leah said with a happy sigh.

Paul nodded, then said, “Leah, let’s not talk about the children.”

Her gaze shot up, and her eyes, which were a vibrant green today, reflecting her pale green dress, revealed her bewilderment. “Why not?”

“Because we’re going to be married soon.”

“You…want to discuss that?” She sounded worried.

“No. But at some point in the future the children will be gone and there’ll be only the two of us. We both love the children. That’s a given. We’ve agreed to get married for our own individual reasons, but in the end it’ll come down to the two of us. We need to build a relationship.”

“A relationship,” she repeated, as though the words felt awkward on her tongue.

“If you prefer, we could call it a friendship.”

Leah nodded. “You’re right, of course…. It’s just that I’m not very good at this sort of thing. You’ll probably need to help me.”

Her confession touched him. After all that Leah had done for him and the children, it gladdened his heart that he could assist her in some small way. He’d make this as easy on her as he could, guide her whenever possible, encourage her to feel confident in her own emotions. If he’d been forced to identify any fault of Leah’s, it would be her stubborn self-reliance. He recognized it because he was fiercely independent himself. As the oldest of five children, he’d learned early in life that he had to be.

“What shall we talk about?” Leah asked softly.

“Anything we like.”

An earsplitting silence followed. They’d lived together for nearly two months. They’d agreed to marry. They planned to spend the rest of their lives together. Yet when Paul took the children out of the conversation, they had nothing to say.

“Oh, dear,” Leah said, her eyes filled with alarm. She set down her fork. “This is more difficult than I realized.”

“Do you want to tell me about your garden, Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary?”

Her eyes brightened, but after a moment the enthusiasm drained away. “What’s there to tell you? It’s growing nicely.”

“My parents keep a garden,” Paul volunteered.

“Do they grow herbs?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

“What about zucchini?”

“Enough to feed the entire state,” Paul said. His dad routinely dropped off huge quantities of the vegetable. Paul hadn’t the heart to tell him he’d rather eat gravel than zucchini. At least Diane had found a recipe—zucchini chocolate cake—that made it tolerable.

Their conversation got off to a slow start, but by the end of the hour, Paul felt they’d made some real headway.

When they’d finished their lunch, Paul walked Leah back to where she’d parked the car. Although he was late getting back to the office, he found himself reluctant to leave. He’d be home in a matter of hours, but he wanted to hold on to this time alone with her.

Leah didn’t seem eager to leave, either. She held her car keys in one hand, glancing down at them periodically.

Suddenly he felt an impulse to kiss her. But it wasn’t the kind of thing he was comfortable doing on a busy Seattle street. He knew any public display of affection would only embarrass Leah. Diane would’ve spontaneously thrown her arms around his neck and kissed him regardless of where they were or who was watching.

But it wasn’t Diane he was marrying; it was Leah.

Leah woke on the morning of her wedding day to bright sunshine. Paul had contacted a minister acquaintance who’d agreed to perform a private ceremony at his office, with the minister’s wife and his youth pastor serving as witnesses.