The Marriage Book (18 page)

Only the other day, a very sensible young fellow of my acquaintance fell over head and ears in love with a braid—
braid
, I believe, young ladies style that mass of hair that, descending from the forehead, forms a sort of mouse’s nest over the ear. He was so far gone in his infatuation, that he became engaged to this braid, but the Eugénie mode of hair-dressing coming in just then, the charm was dissolved, and the match was happily broken off, and there is no present appearance of its being renewed.

What do young men marry? Why they marry all these, and many other bits and scraps of a
wife,
instead of the true thing. Some, more sagacious than the ordinary run, are not content with an eye, or a lip, but marry a set of teeth, a head of hair, and a neat foot and ankle, all at once. Some marry a fortune, and as Providence sends a female with it, they wed her too. Some marry a silk dress, and others a pretty bonnet, and yet others a pair of gloves. One youth was so fond of cards, that meeting with a girl whose mother was a good hand at whist, he married the lass, and so may be said to have married his mother-in-law.

So young men marry, and so they settle; and such as the marriage is, such is the after-life; and then, after wedding such features, or possessions, or attributes, or what not of females, they are surprised to find that, though married, they have no
wives
. He that would have a
wife
must marry a
woman.
If
he can meet with one of equal social position, like education, similar disposition, kindred sympathies, and habits congenial to his own, let him marry. But let him beware of wedding an instep, of marrying a bust, however fair, or a neck, however swan-like, or a voice, however melodious.

EDWARD WHITTY

KNAVES AND FOOLS
, 1857

Edward Whitty (1827–1860) was a British journalist and satirist.
Knaves and Fools: A Satirical Novel of London Life
took on the ruling class in fictional form.

Life is a desert. Profound thought! Marriage and mirage are the same thing, differently spelt. But does it do the caravan any harm to believe in water? When you are thirsty, the next best thing to having water, is to believe that you are going to have it. Live the mirage! Live marriage!

HARRIET BEECHER STOWE

PINK AND WHITE TYRANNY
, 1871

Harriet Beecher Stowe (1811–1896) published this work of fiction (subtitled “A Society Novel”) roughly two decades after making her name—and possibly changing the course of U.S. history—with her antislavery novel
Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Pink and White Tyranny
was comparatively light in subject matter, but through its main character—a girl who marries mainly for money—Stowe questioned the roles and expectations that society placed upon young women of the day.

The
love that quickens all the nature, that makes a man twice manly, and makes him aspire to all that is high, pure, sweet, and religious,—is a feeling so sacred, that no unworthiness in its object can make it any less beautiful. More often than not it is spent on an utter vacancy. Men and women both pass through this divine initiation,—this sacred inspiration of our nature,—and find, when they have come into the innermost shrine, where the divinity ought to be, that there is no god or goddess there; nothing but the cold black ashes of commonplace vulgarity and selfishness. Both of them, when the grand discovery has been made, do well to fold their robes decently about them, and make the best of the matter. If they cannot love, they can at least be friendly. They can tolerate, as philosophers; pity, as Christians; and, finding just where and how the burden of an ill-assorted union galls the least, can then and there strap it on their backs, and walk on, not only without complaint, but sometimes in a cheerful and hilarious spirit.

GEORGE ELIOT

MIDDLEMARCH
, 1874

She wanted her writing to be taken seriously, so Mary Ann Evans (1819–1880) adopted the pen name George Eliot. Under that pseudonym, she produced seven engaging realist novels and became one of the best-known authors of Victorian England.
Middlemarch
, which appeared in serial form starting in 1871, combines intricate plots and subplots, contemporaneous references, and meditations on society, politics, class, gender, and, memorably, marriage.

The fact is unalterable, that a fellow-mortal with whose nature you are acquainted solely through the brief entrances and exits of a few imaginative weeks called courtship, may, when seen in the continuity of married companionship, be disclosed as something better or worse than what you have preconceived. . . .

. . . How was it that in the weeks since her marriage, Dorothea had not distinctly observed but felt with a stifling depression, that the large vistas and wide fresh air which she had dreamed of finding in her husband’s mind were replaced by ante-rooms and winding passages which seemed to lead nowhither? I suppose it was that in courtship everything is regarded as provisional and preliminary, and the smallest sample of virtue or accomplishment is taken to guarantee delightful stores which the broad leisure of marriage will reveal. But the door-sill of marriage once crossed, expectation is concentrated on the present. Having once embarked on your marital voyage, it is impossible not to be aware that you make no way and that the sea is not within sight—that, in fact, you are exploring an enclosed basin.

T. L. HAINES AND L. W. YAGGY

THE ROYAL PATH OF LIFE
, 1881

Thomas Louis Haines (1844–?), was in the school supplies business and had served in the Michigan infantry during the Civil War. Living outside Chicago, he collaborated on several books with a neighbor, Levi W. Yaggy (1848–?), about whom we’ve been able to discover only that he was a Presbyterian church elder and that at one point he filed a patent for a portfolio that could carry anatomical charts.

Marriage is, to a woman, at once the happiest and saddest event of her life; it is the promise of future bliss, raised on the death of all present enjoyment. She quits her home, her parents, her companions, her occupations, her amusements—her everything upon which she has hitherto depended for comfort—for affection, for kindness, for pleasure. The parents by whose advice she has been guided, the sister to whom she has dared impart every embryo thought and feeling, the brother who has played with her, in turns the counselor and the counseled, and the younger children to whom she has hitherto been the mother and the playmate—all are to be forsaken in one instant; every former tie is loosened, the spring of every hope and action to be changed, and yet she flies with joy into the untrodden paths before her. Buoyed up by the confidence of requited love, she bids a fond and grateful adieu to the life that is past, and turns with excited hopes and joyous anticipations of the happiness to come. Then woe to the man who can blast such hopes—who can, coward-like, break the illusions that have won her, and destroy the confidence which his love inspired.

BAMFORTH POSTCARD, EARLY 1900
S

The British Bamforth Company became famous for its comic postcards, which poked fun at all sorts of twentieth-century fashions and institutions—marriage being high on the list.

H. L. MENCKEN

A BOOK OF BURLESQUES
, 1916

For more Mencken, see
Adam and Eve
;
Jealousy
.

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him in a very handy form.

GERMAINE GREER

THE FEMALE EUNUCH
, 1970

Like Simone de Beauvoir with
The Second Sex
(see
Work
) and Betty Friedan with
The Feminine Mystique
(see
Freedom
), Australian author Germaine Greer (1939–) made a profound contribution to the late twentieth century’s women’s movement. In
The Female Eunuch
, Greer described the title figure as a woman who had essentially been stripped of her sexual awareness and societal power, and Greer blamed both sexes for preventing women from identifying their own goals. For modern women, Greer sought not just equality with men, but liberation from male definitions. The book was an international bestseller, a source of fervent debate, and a meditation on what Greer deemed the “myth” that the true adventure of a woman’s life should be the pursuit and capture of a perfect husband.

The myth has always depended upon the riches, the handsomeness, the loveliness, the considerateness of a man in a million. There are enough women prepared to boast of having got a man in a million to persuade other women that their failure to find a man rich enough, handsome enough, skilled enough as a lover, considerate enough, is a reflection of their inferior deserts or powers of attraction. More than half the housewives in this country work outside the home as well as inside it because their husbands do not earn enough money to support them and their children at a decent living standard. Still more know that their husbands are paunchy, short, unathletic, and snore or smell or leave their clothes lying around. A very high proportion do not find bliss in the conjugal embrace and most complain that their husbands forget the little things that count. And yet the myth is not invalidated as a myth. There is always an extenuating circumstance, the government, high taxation, or sedentary work, or illness, or perhaps a simple mistake or a failure in the individual case, which can be invoked to explain its divergence from the mythical norm. Most women who have followed in the direction indicated by the myth make an act of faith that despite day-to-day difficulties they are happy, and keep on asserting it in the face of blatant contradiction by the facts, because to confess disappointment is to admit failure and abandon the effort. It never occurs to them to seek the cause of their unhappiness in the myth itself.

NENA O’NEILL AND GEORGE O’NEILL

OPEN MARRIAGE: A NEW LIFE STYLE FOR COUPLES
, 1972

Open Marriage
was a huge hit in the early seventies, with married authors Nena (1923–2006) and George O’Neill (1921–1980) advocating more communicative and flexible relationships, and room for individual experiences and growth. In passing—actually in just a few pages—they suggested that these experiences might even include sexual ones (see
Sex
), and the book became somewhat notorious for that. In its main message, however, it was far less inflammatory, and on the way to propounding a more dynamic state for relationships, the couple presented the following list, noting: “Every single one of these ideals, beliefs or expectations is false in one way or another, and practically impossible to attain, much less to sustain.”

Unrealistic expectations, unreasonable ideals, and mythological beliefs of closed marriage.

• that it will last forever

• that it means total commitment

• that it will bring happiness, comfort and security

• that your mate
belongs
to you

• that you will have constant attention, concern, admiration and consideration from your mate • that you will never be lonely again

• that your mate would rather be with you than with anyone else at all times • that your mate will never be attracted to another person and will always “be true” to you • that jealousy means you care

• that fidelity is a true measure of the love you have for one another • that sex will improve with time if it isn’t already the world-shaking experience it is supposed to be • that good sex will in fact (if you can just get the positions right and learn the proper techniques) solve all your problems in marriage • that all problems in marriage revolve around sex and love • that you are not complete persons without becoming parents • that the ultimate goal of marriage is having a child

• that having a child is the ultimate expression of your love for each other • that having a child will bring new vitality to a sagging marriage or rescue a failing one •
that you will adjust to one another gradually without fights, arguments or misunderstandings • that you don’t love each other if there is conflict between you • that any change in your mate will come gradually with the maturity of age • that any other kind of change is disruptive and means loss of love • that each of you plays a different part in marriage, a role for which you were biologically designed • that you therefore have the right to expect one thing of a husband and another of a wife • that sacrifice is a true measure of love