The Marriage Mender (23 page)

I mean, I know it sounds stupid, but it wasn’t just the cutting his toenails on the toilet lid and leaving them there thing. It was the fact that he had a fungal toenail infection as well.

Tania smiled and showed us into her room. A different room to the one where we’d had our initial assessment. I’d told Chris it would be easier second time around. Although I suspected that wouldn’t be true.

Tania was stunning. Long, auburn hair. And one of those rare women who actually look good with a fringe. She also had an hourglass figure the like of which you only usually saw in black and white films. And perfectly applied lipstick to boot. I wasn’t sure it was wise, becoming a counsellor, if you looked like that. There was clearly a danger that your male clients would sit there wishing their partner looked half as good while your female ones would feel distinctly inadequate. I awarded myself a brownie point for being of the common cardigan-wearing, mousey-haired variety of counsellor. It must surely put my clients more at ease.

‘So,’ said Tania, ‘I’ve had a look through Polly’s notes. You said you felt there were several issues from your past which were impacting upon your relationship. And that your son leaving home had brought things to a head.’

‘Josh is Chris’s son,’ I said. ‘He’s my stepson.’

‘Yes, of course, I’m sorry,’ she said, before turning to Chris. ‘He’s the son from your relationship with your former partner, Lydia, is that right?’

‘Yes,’ said Chris. ‘At least, I thought he was. She says I’m not his father.’

‘Right. And that, understandably, has caused a lot of upset.’

‘You could say that,’ said Chris.

It came out worse than he meant it, I was sure. But I was also aware that we had reached a tipping point. It could go one of two ways. Either Chris would defect to the cynical camp and make this extremely hard for everyone, or Tania could say something to bring him back in. Make him feel like this was not a waste of time.

‘Have you got any reason to believe that she’s telling the truth about that?’

‘No. Only that she said it.’

‘And you brought him up single-handedly from the age of six months old?’

‘Yeah.’

‘You were there when he was teething? Had his first tantrum? Threw up all over your best shirt? Fell off his bike? Called you up to his bedroom for the hundredth time to say he couldn’t get to sleep?’

‘Yeah,’ said Chris.

‘Then are you OK if I refer to him as your son? I think it’s going to make it easier all round.’

Chris nodded. A hint of a smile on his face. I smiled at her too. Because I knew now that we had a chance.

‘And Chris, I understand that this has been even more difficult for you because you were abandoned as a baby by your birth mother.’

‘That’s right,’ he said, looking down.

‘And Alison, you’ve only recently discovered this?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So we’ve got two very hurt people here who have been through an incredibly difficult time. We’re going to need to go there,’ said Tania, ‘we’re going to need to go to some pretty difficult places, and I appreciate it’s not going to be easy. I need to know that you both understand that and are willing to go ahead. To trust that I will see you through it safely.’

‘Yes,’ I said.

I looked at Chris. Waited for what seemed a long time before he finally nodded his head.

‘Thank you,’ said Tania. ‘We’re not going to go there today, though. Today I want to talk to you about how you met. How you first got together. I like to start with happy stories.’

I smiled at her. And forgave her for looking so bloody good.

‘Alison,’ she said, ‘tell me about the first time you met Chris.’

I hesitated. It seemed such a long time ago now. We were such different people back then. There was no question that I couldn’t remember, though. I remembered every tiny detail.

‘It was at a
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
event I’d organised at Halifax Library,’ I said. ‘Chris brought Josh, who was nearly six at the time. He was dressed as Willy Wonka. Josh, I mean, not Chris.’

I glanced across at Chris. He was watching, listening. Remembering, like me.

‘And you got talking?’

‘To Josh mainly. I was asking about his favourite Roald Dahl word, “whipple-scrumptious”, it was, the same as mine.’

‘And what about you, Chris?’ asked Tania.

‘Me? I thought she was barking. She hasn’t told you what she was dressed as yet.’

Tania looked at me inquiringly.

‘An Oompa-Loompa,’ I said. ‘I mean, you couldn’t really be dressed as anything else, could you?’

‘So you two got together despite the fact that, the first time he met you, you were dressed as an Oompa-Loompa?’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Although I like to think it was because of it, not despite.’

I looked at Chris. He was smiling. Smiling like I hadn’t seen for a long time.

‘So how did you get to see him again?’ asked Tania.

‘He kept coming to events at the library that summer. Well, Josh kept coming and Chris kind of tagged along.’

‘We were her groupies,’ said Chris. ‘Josh adored her, right from the start.’

‘And that must have been a big plus for you.’

‘Yeah, it was.’

I looked down at my feet. Wishing that he’d added something more to that. Something about what he felt about me.

‘And so you asked her out in the end?’

‘No. Josh did,’ said Chris. ‘He invited her to his party. He said he wanted a
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
one. And she had to be there because I didn’t know how to make chocolates and I couldn’t do a good Grandma Josephine or Grandma Georgina voice.’

I smiled. Remembering the invitation which he’d brought to the library.

‘And what about you, Alison?’ asked Tania. ‘What were your impressions of Chris at this point?’

‘Intriguing,’ I said. ‘I found him very intriguing. He wasn’t like anyone else I’d ever met. He was sort of dark and mysterious and I wanted to know more about him. Scratch beneath the surface.’

‘So how did it move up to another level? How did it become a relationship?’

‘It just sort of grew, I guess,’ said Chris. ‘We were seeing so much of each other with Josh that I simply got used to her being around. And at some point I realised that we’d started seeing each other without Josh around.’

Tania looked at me. I said nothing. Looked down at my hands.

‘No big “boom, boom” thing going on with the heart, then, Chris?’

Chris appeared a little taken aback.

‘Because I have to admit,’ said Tania, ‘if I was Alison, sitting here listening to that, I’d be feeling a little bit deflated about that description. It’s hardly “Our eyes met across a crowded room” stuff, is it?’

‘No, but that stuff’s not real, anyway. That only happens in daft Hollywood movies and those books she reads.’

‘What do you like reading, Alison?’

‘Women’s fiction, anything really, from
Jane Eyre
to Cecilia Ahern.’

‘There you are,’ said Tania. ‘She’s a romantic.’

‘Yeah, and that’s fine in the pages of a book,’ said Chris, ‘but it’s not real life, is it? No one really stops dead in their tracks when they see someone for the first time.’

‘You must have done, when you met Lydia,’ I said.

Chris stared at me. He didn’t appear to know what to say. Tania gave him plenty of time to deny it before stepping in.

‘Why do you say that, Alison?’ asked Tania.

‘Because she’s stunning,’ I said. ‘She’s the sort of woman who could cause a multiple pile-up simply by walking down the street.’

Tania turned to Chris. Still he said nothing.

‘I think what Alison is getting at,’ she said, ‘is that there was clearly a strong physical attraction between you and Lydia.’

Chris shrugged.

‘Please just admit it,’ I said. ‘It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.’

‘OK, so there was. That’s what it’s all about when you’re young, isn’t it?’

‘And people aren’t physically attracted to each other when they get older?’ asked Tania.

‘Sure,’ said Chris, ‘but it’s different, isn’t it? You’re looking for other things too.’

‘Such as?’

Chris shrugged. ‘Reliability.’

I raised my eyebrows. ‘You can get that in a Ford Focus,’ I said.

Chris managed a smile.

‘A sense of humour?’ suggested Tania.

‘Yeah, of course.’

‘OK, so you fell in love with this lady because she seemed reliable and had a good sense of humour?’

‘Well, it was a bit more than that, obviously.’

‘So tell me about it. Tell me what made you fall in love with her.’

Chris pulled a face. He’d never liked being put on the spot like this. I looked down at my hands, unsure if he was actually going to continue.

‘She was very caring,’ he said.

‘So are nurses,’ replied Tania.

Chris gave her a look. But he was smiling as he did so.

‘OK, she was fun, huge fun. She didn’t take herself at all seriously and was happy to look ridiculous if it made someone else smile. She had an infinite amount of enthusiasm,
about books, children, everything really. Whatever she did, she gave it her absolute all. She was incredibly determined and would never give up, even on people like me who could be grumpy old sods at times. And when she walked into a room she absolutely lit it up, better than a fucking Christmas tree. Because when she smiled it just, you know, it got you right here,’ he said, thumping his fist on his chest. ‘And yet she had absolutely no idea how gorgeous she was. She didn’t use it, the way some women do, she was completely oblivious to the effect she had on people. But she made people want to be with her. Not just at that moment but for the rest of their lives –’

He stopped abruptly, apparently as surprised at what had just come out of his mouth as I was. He looked at me. I could barely see his expression through the tears which had gathered in my eyes. But I smiled at him none the less.

‘Thank you,’ said Tania. ‘I think someone in here really needed to hear that.’

* * *

‘What did you think?’ I asked, when we got in the car afterwards.

‘It was OK,’ said Chris. ‘Better than I thought. I liked her.’

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Me too.’

‘Bit unconventional, isn’t she?’

‘You could say that.’

‘It works, though.’

‘Yeah. Look, about what you said –’

‘Oh, don’t worry,’ he said, ‘I didn’t mean a word of it.’

I looked across at him. He managed to keep his face straight for a long time before he started laughing.

‘Bastard,’ I said with a smile.

‘Come on,’ he replied. ‘Let’s go home.’

I found out what the memorable name he uses for his bank details is. It’s ‘Kylie’. WTF?

‘So how’s it going?’ asked Debbie, as we walked back after dropping the girls off at a summer holiday playscheme in the village on Friday morning.

‘Not bad,’ I said. ‘Better than I thought, actually. I mean, he’s talking. He is at least talking. It sometimes takes Tania to give him a good kick to get him there, but he’s getting better.’

‘Good on him,’ said Debbie. ‘Dean found it really hard when we went.’

‘You went for counselling?’

‘Yeah. After the miscarriage. He wouldn’t talk about it. I was in bits. I really thought we were going to split up at one point.’

‘You never told me.’

‘It’s not the sort of thing you drop into conversation, is it? Oh, by the way, me and Dean nearly broke up once.’

‘No. I guess not. Well, I’m glad it worked for you, anyway.’

‘It didn’t, really.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘It was pretty depressing, to tell you the truth. I’d sit there crying for most of the session and Dean couldn’t seem to bring himself to say anything, which made me even madder at him. And then we had these horrible silences all the way home in the car.’

‘So it didn’t help at all?’

‘No. She was well-meaning and that, the counsellor. But we both started dreading the sessions. They just seemed to make us more miserable. We stopped going in the end.’

‘So how did things get better?’

‘Time, I guess. And then me getting pregnant with Ben. Dean couldn’t have been more supportive during the pregnancy. He couldn’t do enough for me; looked after me when I was throwing up, massaged my feet when they were swollen, the whole works.’

‘Did you tell anyone about the counselling? At the time, I mean.’

Debbie shook her head. ‘No. We didn’t want people to know we were struggling.’

‘That’s what all my clients say if I ask them. Daft, isn’t it? Half the population keeping their relationship problems quiet because they think they’re the only ones who’ve got them.’

‘We’re British, what do you expect?’ smiled Debbie.

‘I suppose you’re right.’

‘Have you told anyone? Apart from me, I mean.’

‘Only Barbara.’

‘What did she say?’

‘She was glad, really glad. She just wants things to work out for us.’

‘You must have the loveliest mother-in-law going.’

‘I know. She’s more of a mum than mine ever was. That’s why it’s so weird to think that she’s not actually his mum.’

‘Do you reckon his birth mum still thinks about him?’

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘You wouldn’t forget, would you? Not ever. She’s probably haunted by it.’

‘She might have other children now,’ said Debbie.

‘Yeah, but I bet she still misses him. I bet she still thinks about him every single day.’

* * *

Chris was packing his camera bag. He’d already told me he didn’t have any bookings at the studio. Which, for August, was pretty much unheard of.

‘Where are you off to?’ I asked.

‘It’s nice light. Thought I’d go up on the tops, get some stock stuff.’

I nodded. He must have had a lot of stock stuff by now.

‘Why don’t you take Matilda?’

‘You know why, she’ll probably start complaining when we’re halfway up there.’

‘I mean, to do photos of her. Somewhere nice. Outdoors.’

Chris hesitated, clearly unsure. ‘I could do, I guess.’

‘I was looking through the album, we haven’t got any
nice pictures of her in the past year. All those lovely ones we’ve got when she was little, and then this big gap.’

Chris shrugged. ‘It’s been a tough year.’

‘I know. I wasn’t having a go. But maybe we should make a bit more of an effort to make it fun for her. Perhaps she could take one of her puppets?’

‘I’ll give it a go, if she’s up for it.’

‘She’ll be up for it. Go and ask her.’

I wanted him to do it himself. Matilda had a very forgiving nature but she hadn’t forgotten her party, I knew that.

Chris went into the lounge where Matilda was watching
Scooby-Doo
. She came running out a few moments later, a big smile on her face.

‘Daddy’s taking me to his secret place on the moors. And I can take one of my puppets, as long as I try not to get it dirty.’

‘Fantastic!’ I said. ‘You’ll have a great time.’

She nodded and disappeared upstairs to get a puppet.

‘Well, she certainly seems up for it,’ I said.

‘Yeah. Thanks.’

‘If you can just have her back by midday. Caitlin’s coming for her violin lesson at one.’

Chris nodded. He still hadn’t seen Caitlin since she’d started coming round. I was pretty sure why. Matilda ran back downstairs brandishing the puppet which Lydia had bought her.

‘I’m going to take Amy,’ she said.

I looked at Chris, waiting for him to say something. He pursed his lips but said nothing.

I helped Matilda tie the laces on her walking boots. ‘Right, off you go then,’ I said, kissing her on the top of her head. ‘And make sure Amy behaves for Daddy, OK?’

She smiled and skipped out of the door.

‘Thanks,’ I said to Chris.

He nodded.

* * *

‘Take as much time as you need,’ I said to Caitlin. ‘Matilda’s still finishing her lunch.’

It had become part of the routine now. Caitlin always came five or ten minutes early and spent the time sitting in Josh’s room. Mostly I left her on her own, but today I sensed she didn’t want to be. So I hovered in the doorway for a moment.

‘I’ve told him,’ she said. ‘That I come here and do this. I want him to know I haven’t forgotten.’

She emailed Josh virtually every day, from what she’d told me. She’d never had a reply, of course, but she was convinced that he read them. Or if he wasn’t able to at the moment, that he would do one day.

‘He’ll like that,’ I said. ‘Knowing that you’re close to him.’

I wasn’t going to insult her by saying that she didn’t have to do this. That maybe she’d be better off trying to forget him instead of immersing herself in his memory. She loved him and this was her way of honouring that love. And who was I, or anyone else, to say that it wasn’t
the right way of coping or dealing with this situation? It was her way. That was all that mattered.

I went downstairs after Matilda and Caitlin had got started and popped my head round the study door to see if Chris wanted a coffee. There was a photo up on his screen of a girl crouching behind a rock, one arm up in the air inside a puppet who looked uncannily like her. The wind was whipping her hair across her face, and she appeared to be howling with laughter. He had captured not just Matilda but the essence of Matilda.

‘I love it,’ I said, barely able to speak. ‘I absolutely love it.’

Chris turned round. There was pride in his eyes. And a glimmer of hope.

‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I’ve got loads more like this. She had a ball up there, she really did. And the light was gorgeous and there was just this fantastic sense of being out in the elements. Of it all being so natural.’

‘This is what you should be doing,’ I said. ‘Not stuck in a studio, which you don’t want to be in, and the kids don’t want to be there.’

‘You think so?’

‘I know so. People would pay good money for this, Chris. It’s like you’ve captured her spirit in a bottle. It’s incredibly precious. And it’s art, it’s what you want to do.’

Chris nodded. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘I can’t remember when I’ve enjoyed doing a portrait so much. And it wasn’t just because it was Tilda. I’ve got loads of ideas of places I could shoot. And I could offer them some really nice canvas prints and black and white prints and everything.’

‘There you are, then. Go for it. Make it your thing.’

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I think I will. Thank you.’

‘Don’t be daft.’

‘No, I mean it. Thanks.’ He got up and kissed me ever so lightly on the lips.

I smiled at him and went out to make the coffee.

* * *

It was my turn. I knew that. I understood how these things worked. Chris had talked about his childhood the previous session. Or rather, Tania had coaxed him into letting go of snippets of information. Building up a picture. Of one side of the story, at least.

I sat upright in my chair, wishing I was in hers. That it was me asking the questions, soliciting information, allowing couples the space to reflect.

‘So, Alison,’ she said, turning to me, ‘tell me about your parents.’

I nodded. I could see Chris looking at me out of the corner of his eye. I realised, perhaps for the first time, how little I had discussed it with him too. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who’d played things close to his chest. It was hard to know where to start. I opted for the easy bit.

‘My mum was a nurse and my dad was a train driver. I guess they ticked those boxes on the “What do you want to do when you grow up?” list and never changed their minds.’

Tania smiled at me. ‘And what was their relationship like?’

‘They argued a lot. They were both really busy at work, they kind of juggled shifts to look after me, so they weren’t
actually home together that much. But when they were, they argued.’

‘What about?’

‘Mostly Dad not doing the things Mum had asked him to do while she was at work. He was pretty rubbish at helping out around the house. I used to follow him around, tidying up and putting things away, so it didn’t cause another row.’

‘So you saw it as your job to smooth things over?’

I shrugged. ‘Damage limitation, I guess.’

‘And when they did argue, what did you do?’

‘I went to my bedroom. Read books. It was my way of escaping, of blocking everything out.’

‘Were you worried they might split up?’

I nodded and found myself swallowing, rather than managing to get the words out.

‘Take all the time you need,’ said Tania.

I glanced at Chris. His eyes were fixed on my face, his eyes reflecting the hurt in mine.

‘I worried about it all the time,’ I said. ‘And then, when I was fourteen, they sat me down and said they were splitting up, which kind of validated all the worrying. Dad moved into a flat and I only got to see him at weekends. I really missed him. He was much warmer than my mum. She wasn’t really like a mum at all.’

‘And how long did that last?’

‘Until I was fifteen, when Mum got offered a job as a ward sister at a hospital in Portsmouth. Maybe she did it on purpose, because she knew I wasn’t happy. I mean, you
don’t just apply for a job hundreds of miles away without thinking through the consequences, do you? Anyway, she moved down there. So Dad sold the flat and came back to live in our house with me.’

‘And how often did you see your mum?’

‘Once a month, at first. She’d come up and stay with a friend for the weekend. But it soon got to the point where we only saw each other a few times a year.’

‘And did that bother you?’

‘Not really, because we didn’t seem to have anything to say to each other even then.’

‘And your relationship with your parents now?’ asked Tania.

I looked down at my hands. ‘My dad died three years ago,’ I said. ‘Heart attack. I haven’t seen my mum for years.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Tania.

I shrugged. ‘Not everyone lives happily ever after, do they?’

‘And then Chris came along and gave you a chance to do just that.’

‘Yeah.’ I glanced over at him.

He managed a hint of a smile.

‘It must have been hard, though,’ said Tania. ‘Making that commitment after what you’d been through. Especially when Chris already had a son. You were taking on a lot.’

‘I loved him. It was as simple as that. Anyway, Josh was a delight to have around.’

‘You took Lydia on as well.’

‘No. She was long gone.’

‘Physically, yes, but emotionally?’

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I said.

Tania looked at me in a way which suggested she didn’t believe the assertion any more than I did.

‘Sometimes it’s harder taking on the absence of someone and the emotional baggage they’ve left behind, than the person themselves.’

‘I didn’t think of it like that. Not at the time.’

She nodded again and turned to Chris. ‘Why did you ask Alison to move into the house you’d once shared with Lydia?’

‘It was where we were living.’

‘Did you think about how hard that would be for Alison? Not only was she taking on your son, she was moving into the house you’d lived in with his mother.’

‘She was happy to do it,’ said Chris. ‘I asked her. She said it would be best not to uproot Josh.’

‘I understand that,’ said Tania. ‘And it’s admirable that she put him first. But sometimes we put others first at our own cost, and sometimes it’s too high a price to pay. Maybe Alison’s still paying that price today.’

‘What do you mean?’ asked Chris.

‘I mean that Alison has spent a long time living in Lydia’s shadow, physically and emotionally. Perhaps it’s time you helped her step out into the light.’

‘And you think moving house would do that?’

‘It might do.’

‘It’s not as if there’s anything of hers left there.’

‘When people have their houses exorcised there’s
nothing visible, is there? It’s a feeling they’re trying to get rid of. An atmosphere.’

‘You’re saying she haunts us now?’ said Chris, raising an eyebrow.

‘I’m saying her presence hangs very heavily over you both.’

‘So how do you propose we get rid of it?’

‘You exorcise her from you lives. And that starts with admitting your feelings for her.’

‘The only feelings I have for her are negative ones.’

‘And what about before?’ asked Tania.

Chris hesitated before replying. ‘I wasn’t still in love with her when Alison moved in, if that’s what you’re asking.’

‘But you had loved her, hadn’t you?’

Chris nodded.

‘I need to hear it, Chris.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I think Alison needs to hear it. Because I think she’s lived with that silently hanging over her for long enough.’

Chris looked at me.

I blinked hard and fiddled with the button on my cardigan.

‘Yes, I loved Lydia,’ said Chris. ‘I loved her more than I’d ever loved anyone and she hurt me so badly that I didn’t think I could ever love again.’