The Marriage Wish (19 page)

Scott went silent for several minutes. “You’re really missing Colleen, aren’t you?” he asked quietly.

Jennifer wished he could not read the pain so easily. “Incredibly. She never got to see a Christmas,” Jennifer sighed and wished there was some way to make the pain go away. “Most of the nursery was packed away shortly after Col
leen died—the crib, the changing table. But I’ve still got the rocking chair, the clothes I made for her, the ankle ID band she wore. I keep telling myself I’m going to pack them away and turn the bedroom back into a guest room, but when I go in the room all I want to do is rock in the chair and cry.” She felt so miserable admitting that.

“Jen, maybe that’s what you need to do the most. Let yourself cry.”

“I’ve cried enough, Scott.”

His hand gently rubbed the back of hers. She had to force herself not to turn her hand into his and hold on. “You lost a lot, Jen. Allow yourself the freedom to grieve.”

His concern and kindness was almost too much to take. “Could we talk about something else?” she asked, hoping he would not be offended.

He smiled.

“Tell me about your book,” he offered. The sample plate of seafood arrived and they talked about her book over steamed scallops, garlic shrimp, mussels on the shell, and Louisiana blue crab claws. Jennifer felt the sadness inside lift as she sat talking with Scott. She loved him. It went as deep as it had with Jerry, and she wished so badly she could get past the terror of having children so they could have a future together. But she was resolute that she would do what was best for him, and right now, it was not her. But Bob was right. It was going to hurt so very, very badly to walk away.

They left the restaurant shortly after 8:00 p.m., and when Scott suggested they go for a drive, Jennifer gladly agreed. When she was with him, the pain was less.

Scott looked over at Jennifer as he drove, wishing he had some idea how she was going to respond to his proposal. There were times in his life when he put his heart into someone else’s hands, and tonight was going to be one of them.

“Jen?”

She turned toward him and smiled, and it reached her eyes and made her so beautiful. “Yes?”

“Slide over here,” he encouraged.

She slid over with a smile and his arm settled around her shoulders. “Where are we going?”

Scott smiled. “How does a fire, a cup of hot chocolate and a very enthusiastic puppy sound?”

“Delightful.”

Quigley greeted her at the door with a cold nose and a squirming body. Jennifer scooped him up with a laugh after handing Scott her coat. “Hello, Quigley, my little beautiful boy.” The puppy licked her chin and Jennifer laughed, and when she rubbed his ears he squirmed closer with a happy wiggle.

“Take him into the living room. I’ll be right in with the hot chocolate. The fire is already laid and ready to start,” Scott said as he rested his hand against her back and lightly ruffled the puppy’s fur.

When Scott entered the living room some ten minutes later, the fire had been started and Jennifer had kicked off her shoes and curled up at one end of the couch with Quigley nearly asleep in her arms. Scott settled beside her and carefully handed her one of the mugs he carried. He smiled and ran his finger across the bridge of her foot. “I like the socks.”

“Thank you, I thought the Christmas trees were appropriate.”

Scott stretched his legs out and leaned his head back, watched the flickering flames surrounding the logs. They sat in silence for several minutes, both enjoying the stillness. Jennifer shifted around so she could rest against his shoulder, and Scott gladly welcomed her into his arms. “What are you thinking about so deeply?” she asked.

Scott took a deep breath. It was time. Lord, help my words be the right ones.

“What would you say to adopting an older child?” he asked quietly, then turned his head to look down at her.

“Adopting?”

“You know I want a family Jen, but I really do understand how terrified you are of the idea of having children again. We could adopt a kid like Kevin.” Scott smiled. “He’s anything but fragile you know.”

“Yes, he is, inside.”

Scott gently stroked her hair. “I know you’re right. People just forget it occasionally when they bump into that shell of his.”

Jen gripped his hand. “You really would consider adopting an older child and all the problems that might bring?”

Scott wished he could read her voice well enough to know if that was hope or fear he heard, but all he could know for sure was that the calm, relaxed lady he had been holding a few moments before was now stiff and tense. His hands rubbed her arms, trying to dispel the tension.

“Jen, you need to be a mother. Having a family is as much your dream as it is mine. That dream didn’t disappear when Colleen died, it just got badly battered.” He kissed the top of her head. “You will make a good mom. I know that with certainty.”

Her eyes were damp as he brushed her hair back from her face. He reached behind her for the gift he had set on the end table. “This is for you,” he said quietly, placing both her hands around the small package. He smiled at her expression. “Go ahead, open it,” he encouraged.

Her hands shook a little as she removed the ribbon and the deep green wrapping paper. She hesitated before opening the ring box.

“Will you marry me, Jen?”

The tears had begun to fall, and Scott wiped them away, wrapping her in his arms. He slid the engagement ring from the velvet slot and placed it in the palm of her hand. “I like this ring. It’s special, just like the one you already wear. We could have something very special too, Jen, if you’ll say yes.”

Her hand closed around the ring and held it very tightly. “You’re proposing and you want us to adopt.” There was so much emotion in her voice…

Scott raised her hand and pressed his lips to the back of it. “Yes.”

He felt her ragged breath, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll think about it,” Scott said gently, his hands cupping her face, raising her face to let him fully see her. All the emotion was there in her eyes—the uncertainty, the fear, the love, the hope, the pain. He deliberately smiled, having just put his future and hers on the line. “I’m going to marry you, Jen. We’re going to have a family, and we’re going to make a difference in each other’s lives and in the lives of whatever children God entrusts to us. I love you, Jen.”

She buried her head against his chest and fought for her composure. “I’ll think about it.”

He kissed her forehead. “Think as long as you need to, Jen. I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. He’d put it all on the line, and now it was a waiting game.

C
ould she adopt? Could she face the fear of being married again, adopt and raise a family? Or was she walking away?

The night was freezing cold, two weeks before Christmas. She couldn’t stay out for long, even with the gloves and scarf, but Jennifer felt the need to see the stars, and so she sat on the hammock in the backyard and leaned back and looked up. The stars in the Milky Way were bright and clear. Jennifer sat and looked at the sky and waited for the sense of being part of something enormous to settle into her soul. This decision was important, but it wasn’t going to change the course of the universe. It would change her life and Scott’s life and to a certain degree the lives of both of their families. She could make this decision. But what was the right decision?

The cold touch of death sat so close; incredible in its intensity. How could she risk getting married again? Even an older child. Could she really be a mom again?

Knowing what she had to do if she was to make a decision, Jennifer walked back inside, took off her coat and gloves, paused to hang them up and walked resolutely past her bedroom. She paused at the door of the nursery, took a deep breath and turned the handle. It was so quiet in the room, with a very faint scent of lavender from the dried flower display on the dresser. Walking slowly into the place she considered to be the heart of her home, she gently lifted from the dresser the clothes she had made for Colleen to wear, nightshirts and jumpers and very small socks. She smiled as she touched the soft fabric, remembering the love that had gone into making the garments, laughed as she remembered the sewing lessons Rachel had given her and how difficult it had been to make her fingers create what her mind envisioned. She took the garments with her and sat down in the rocking chair, smoothing them out with care on the leg of her jeans. She refused to let the tears fall. There was pain here, deep pain. So many dreams had ended so abruptly.

Jennifer very carefully folded the clothes, leaned her head back and closed her eyes. For the first time in recent days she let herself go back in time to the funerals, and actually think about what the experiences had been like. The first images that hit her were the coffins, polished oak, the wood grains deep and smooth. She had requested peach roses for Colleen’s coffin, deep red roses for Jerry’s coffin, and the flowers had rested on the center of the coffins, paying tribute to the memories she had of each. She felt and heard the music, felt the support of those standing with her, felt such a great distance from her God. In three years she had passed through the anger and despair—she now had a gentle peace with her God—but the taste of death still lingered. She couldn’t lose Scott the same way. She couldn’t. She would never survive.

It was time to accept reality.

The fear had won.

Scott dressed slowly, taking time to fasten his cuff links, choose the right tie, polish his shoes. He knew he was deliberately delaying the time he would leave his home to pick up Jennifer, even found himself amused at his actions, but did nothing to speed up his movements. He didn’t know which way she was going to decide, but he was determined to hear her answer with as much dignity as he could. He’d either won or he’d lost for good. Either way, there would only be gratitude in his heart tonight for having known her. He loved her. He had placed her in the toughest position of her life, asking her to face her fear, without him being there to provide support. He picked up the single rose Heather had picked for him to give to Jennifer, a special rose—pale pink and white, perfectly formed.

Have courage, Jen. Please, have courage.

It was Christmas Eve and the music on the radio reflected the Christmas season. Scott drove slowly, carefully, eventually pulled into her subdivision, then her street, and finally into her drive. He parked the car, picked up the rose to shelter it from the wind and walked to her front door. She answered within moments of him ringing the bell and he smiled when he saw her. She was dressed for the Christmas Eve services, as well, her dress a wonderful deep blue velvet with satin trim. He kissed her cheek softly, and she hugged him, but there was nothing he could read in her eyes.

“Can we talk after we leave Peter and Rachel’s?” she asked quietly, and he forced himself to take a deep breath. She wouldn’t be so hesitant to share good news.

“Of course, Jen,” he said quietly, wanting nothing more than to hold her tight and not let her go. But he owed her
for adding a richness to his life he would have found nowhere else; he wasn’t going to make the evening any harder on her than it was already destined to be. “I brought this for you,” he said gently, pressing the rose into her hand.

She lifted the rose to smell its fragrance, touched the delicate pedals with the tips of her fingers. She lifted her eyes from the rose, an enormous sadness in those brown eyes, and she reached up and gently kissed him. “Thank you,” she whispered.

He did hug her then, pulling her tight and simply holding her, and she clung to him in return, and minutes passed before she stepped away. “Let me put this in water.”

He could see her reaching for strength deep inside, hear it in her voice. “I’ll get your coat for you,” he said, and she nodded and turned away. When she came back from the kitchen, the sadness in her eyes had been buried and replaced by calm acceptance. She slipped into her coat and pulled on her gloves. “I’m ready,” she said quietly.

He locked the house for her, offered her his arm for the slick pavement, opened the passenger door. It was a silent drive to the area church Christmas Eve gathering. They both knew their respective families would be present at the area church gathering, but silently agreed not to seek out either friends or family. They sat together during the service, Scott firmly holding Jennifer’s hand the entire time, and when the service was over, they slipped quietly back through the crowds. They waited for most of the parking lot to clear before Scott pulled from the church lot and asked Jennifer for directions.

Peter and Rachel’s house was adorned with Christmas lights. Some were in the evergreens, others on the porch railing, some outlining windows. Jennifer drew a deep breath as they neared the front door, knowing that they would be
expected and quickly pulled into the festivities, and knowing as well that she badly needed time to gather herself for the discussion later with Scott. Peter and Scott shook hands, and Rachel and Jennifer shared a hug. Jennifer didn’t let her friend go for some time. “You okay?” Rachel whispered, and Jennifer nodded. Scott and Jennifer were escorted to the love seat in the living room, across from the Christmas tree and the presents the children had selected to be opened that night. There was cider and cheese and sausage, crackers, Christmas cookies. The boys gravitated to Scott, eager to have his attention. They made Scott smile, and Jennifer was grateful. She wished so badly the evening could end some other way. Scott reached over and put his arm around her shoulders, gently pulling her to his side. She looked up, surprised, and he tenderly brushed the hair back from her face and smiled. She could see the sadness in his eyes, but also a love so great that he would still offer comfort. She wished she could offer the same comfort in return.

As the evening progressed, Jennifer let herself relax and enjoy the time with her family. The children so enjoyed the celebration. The memories of past Christmas Eves spent with Jerry and her family returned, and they were good memories.

She couldn’t give Scott up. She loved him. He had just split a sugar cookie and offered her half of it with a smile. She loved him. She couldn’t give him up. She’d come with a heavy heart tonight knowing she couldn’t accept the risk of facing death again, had to say goodbye, but she couldn’t carry out the sentence. She loved him. She was going to have to find a way to take the risk.

He knew something had changed. He held her gaze without wavering, his arm around her shoulder tightened, and he gently leaned over and kissed her.

They left Peter and Rachel’s shortly after ten. Jennifer leaned her head back as they walked to the car; the sky was clear and bright with stars. Her hand was tucked firmly in Scott’s, and it felt so right. “Where would you like to go?” he asked quietly.

Jennifer looked at the man she loved and quietly replied, “The beach, where we first met.”

There was no wind, the water was calm, and the sand shifted as they walked. Scott had picked up both a quilt and a blanket at the house, and he spread the quilt out on the pier steps, helping her take a seat. He tucked the blanket around her legs. “Warm enough?” he asked, placing an arm around her shoulders and her coat. She smiled and slid another inch toward him. “I’m fine.”

She didn’t say anything for several minutes, her attention focused on the water and the starlit sky. “I was going to tell you
no.
”

She felt his tension, and she could hear his deep, controlled breathing. “And now?” he asked softly.

She leaned her head against his shoulder. “I’m petrified of losing you, but I’ll marry you.” He laughed at the way she worded her acceptance, hugging her close. “I love you too much to say goodbye,” she said.

He tilted her head up with both of his hands, his touch gentle, love in his eyes. “Jen, you won’t regret this.” Jennifer slipped her hands around his neck, gently moved them up into his silky hair. It was a deep kiss, full of love on both sides. “You are the very best thing that ever happened to me,” he whispered, soothing away the lingering fear in her eyes with hands that gently stroked her face. “I’ll help keep the fear away. You’ll make it, honey, love can do it.”

“The idea of adopting older kids…it doesn’t feel too bad,”
she said, smiling slightly as she tugged his skewed tie straight again.

“Really?” His smile was delightful to see.

“Really,” she confirmed.

He settled his arms around her waist under her coat, rested his forehead against hers. “How many children would you like?” he asked, interested.

She smiled. “Two or three would be nice.”

His arms tightened. “Thank you, Jen.”

She kissed him.

He got pragmatic. “Jen, I hate to disturb this moment, but it’s cold out here. Let’s go find your purse. I want to put that ring on your finger.”

She laughed. He tugged her to her feet and picked up the blankets, escorted her inside. She found her purse and removed the ring box, handed it to him. He laughed softly at the way her hands were suddenly trembling, held them in his until they steadied.

“Important moment, isn’t it?” he asked, breaking the tension.

She laughed, then, and relaxed. “It’s big,” she agreed. She moved the wedding ring she wore to her right hand and touched it, remembering. He gave her time, and she appreciated that. “Okay,” she said quietly.

Scott gently slipped the engagement ring on her finger, smiled and kissed the back of her hand. “It looks good there.” She hugged him, and he closed his arms around her to hold her tight. “Let’s call Peter and Rachel. We’ll tell my family tomorrow.”

Neither Scott nor Jennifer minded the long drive to his parents’ home. It was a chance to share the enjoyment of
the moment. Jennifer sat close to Scott as he drove, her hand tucked in his.

“Marry me soon,” Scott said over the Christmas music. He looked over at her, smiled. He’d read her fear correctly. She didn’t need time to question her decision. It didn’t matter what his friends and family thought. The wedding needed to be soon. When she didn’t respond, he looked over again. Her brown eyes were calm and clear and slightly wet. “Bad idea or good?”

“Good one,” she breathed. “Could we elope?”

He laughed. “No. Mom would kill me. How about thirty days? Third Saturday in January?”

Jennifer didn’t have to think about it. “Yes.”

Scott grinned. He could wait thirty days. Maybe.

His family was waiting for them to arrive, and when they pulled into the drive, Amy and Greg both came out to meet them, bundled up in coats and mittens. “Hi, Uncle Scott.” Scott picked Amy up with a laugh and tickled her. He ruffled the boy’s hair.

“Hi, Greg. Is lunch ready?”

“We were waiting for you,” Greg replied.

“Then let’s get inside,” he agreed. He caught Jennifer’s hand as they walked up the porch steps, shared a private smile with her.

It was his mother who first noticed the ring. Jennifer was taking off her coat and handing it to Scott’s father when Margaret caught her breath and immediately looked over Jennifer’s shoulder to Scott. He smiled and linked his arms around Jennifer’s shoulders.

“Mom, Dad, we’ve got some news.” He didn’t have to say more, his smile said it all. Jennifer was swept into a hug by his mother who was now laughing and wiping away tears,
his father was hugging him, and both Heather and Frank were crowding into the entryway to celebrate the news. The kids were thrilled, their eyes sparkling with excitement.

The family was sitting down to lunch when Scott paused behind Jennifer’s chair, put his hands on her shoulders and looked around at his family. “We are getting married the third Saturday in January.” Surprise, shock, bewilderment, he saw them all on their faces. He smiled. “This decision is right for us. But we could use your help, there are details to sort out.”

Within an hour of the Christmas lunch announcement, Rachel and Peter and the kids had been invited over to make it a family celebration. Scott sat on the couch with Jennifer, watching his sister and mom tossing wedding details back and forth with Rachel. This felt right. This felt perfect. Their two families meshed so well. Jennifer had chosen colors for the dresses, and the wedding party had been decided on; they were working on the reception plans now.

From where he was sitting Scott could see Quigley trying to wrestle a tennis shoe underneath the great blue spruce in the foyer. Too tall and massive to fit in any conventional room, the Christmas tree towered in the curve of the stairway, reaching toward the skylight. He and Jennifer had helped decorate it, a process that involved leaning over the stair railing to reach the high branches. The gifts were gone now allowing Quigley a place he considered to be his new home, hiding down in the fluffy red-and-white tree skirt under the low branches. Scott saw Tiffany chase him down again, try to convince the puppy not to drink out of the Christmas tree base.