The Melody Girls (13 page)

‘You could stay? Then why did you get the sack?'

‘I suppose I sacked myself, because of course I wasn't going to stay if Flo had to go.' Lorna took Rod's hands in hers. ‘Surely, you can understand – I couldn't let her down?'

‘You didn't think you'd be leaving me as well as the band?'

‘Leaving you? No!' Lorna laughed a little. ‘I never thought of that for a minute. Why should I leave you?'

‘You'll be staying on in Glasgow, then? Not going back to Edinburgh?'

‘No – well – I'm no' sure . . .'

‘You see, you haven't thought it through,' he said gently. ‘But I'm ahead of you. As I said before, you needn't leave me if you leave the band, because now we can get married.' He was beginning to smile, his eyes to dance. ‘This is it, Lorna. Marriage is no longer an unspoken word. We can get married as soon as we like and you won't have to worry about anything ever again. From now on, I'll take care of you.'

Lorna stood very still, letting his words wash over her, but when he tried to take her in his arms, she pulled away.

‘I did say, didn't I, Rod, that if I got married, I wouldn't be giving up playing?'

‘Yes, but that doesn't matter now. You're out of the band, you won't be playing anyway.'

‘I'm hoping that's isn't true, because the fact of the matter is . . .'

‘Is what?' he asked, as she paused.

‘Well, it's only just come to us, Flo and me, as something we could do – though we have kind of discussed it before . . .'

‘Discussed what? For heaven's sake, Lorna, what are you talking about?'

‘Our band,' she said simply. ‘We're going to start our own all-girl band.'

It was something he had so clearly not even thought about, she could tell that he couldn't at first take it in. But he had turned very pale, and the dancing light faded from his eyes.

‘An all-girl band,' he repeated. ‘Lorna, are you crazy? How are you going to start such a thing? What are you going to use for money? Where are you going to get the women to be in it? It's the maddest idea I've ever heard in my life.'

‘Is it?' Her tone was icy. ‘Let me tell you that there are girl bands all over America, and in England, too, and they're all very successful. So, there's no reason why we shouldn't run a band here in Scotland that would do just as well, and if you're asking about money, we'll get it, and the girls to join us – why not? Why shouldn't there be all-girl bands, when there are all-men bands and no one thinks they're crazy?'

‘They're just not the same. OK, maybe it's not logical to say they're different, but you have to go by what people are used to.' Rod gave a groan. ‘All I care about now, Lorna, is that if you go ahead with this mad plan, it'll mean the end for us. I'm serious. It will drive us apart, just as surely as though we didn't care for each other any more.'

‘Why? Why should it?' Lorna's eyes on him were stormy. ‘I don't understand you, Rod. Why should my running a band drive us apart?'

‘Because it'd be even worse than if you were just in Luke's band. You'd be completely wrapped up in what you had to do, just like he is. Worrying about bookings and agents, finding money, checking on the players. There'd be no home life, no life for us at all.'

‘No, Rod, no! I wouldn't let it happen!'

‘You couldn't help it.' He slowly shook his head. ‘And all the things I want from marriage, they wouldn't count, would they? I mean, having you by my side, making a home, having our children, going through life together. If you had your band, could you give me those, Lorna?'

‘No,' she said after a silence. ‘Maybe I couldn't. No' all of them, anyway.' She rose and picked up her teacup, looked at its contents, set it down. ‘I could give you love, though, but maybe that wouldn't be enough.'

Rod stood up and reached for his coat. ‘In the sort of marriage we'd have, it wouldn't last, would it? That's what I'm saying, Lorna. It's what I
have
to say, in fact, not what I
want
to.'

‘Are you going now?' she asked dully.

‘Yes, got to get ready for tonight.' He looked at her for a long time. ‘Lorna, is there any chance you could . . . change your mind?'

‘No, Rod, I can't. I can't do what you want.'

Slowly, he buttoned on his coat. ‘I'll see you at the hotel, then. For this ball.'

‘Yes, all right.'

When he had left her, she sat for some time, staring into space. Then she washed up the teacups and slowly, like a person moving under water, began to get ready for the evening engagement she'd promised to keep. Working her notice, she thought, and not just from the band.

Twenty-Four

That last week with Luke's band passed with agonizing slowness for Lorna and Flo. If they hadn't agreed to work out their notice, they could have been away, out of reach of sympathetic looks and questions, but for Lorna, all that mattered was avoiding Rod. Not seeing the suffering on his face that mirrored her own. Not having to hold back the words that might have brought them together again: ‘I love you, Rod, I'll do what you want, I'll give up my plans for a band.'

So far, every time those words had come to her lips, she had stopped herself from saying them. For why should he not have said to her: ‘I love you, Lorna, I'll be glad for you to do what you want, so, just start your band and we'll be married and live happily ever after'?

He never spoke such words to her, she never spoke her words to him. And she was sure they never would.

At least, the idea of the all-girl band had not gone away, even though Lorna's pleasure in it had temporarily faded. Flo, in fact became more and more enthusiastic, and Ina was quite bowled over by it. She had, of course, been stunned by the news of the sacking of Flo and Lorna, and was all for going to see Luke herself, until Flo talked her out of it.

‘What good would it do if you were to lose your job as well?' she asked sensibly. ‘Might as well stick it out, until we get going. Then you can come and join us.'

‘You mean your own band? Well, I'm thinking of it. If you're sure you need a pianist.'

‘You bet we do, we need everybody. But, as I say, you'd do better to stay with Luke until there's an actual band to go to. Sure you'll be all right to leave Dickie, Ina?'

As she hesitated a little, Flo said brightly, ‘Come on, you know you can still see each other. We won't be going far.'

‘Well, how about you and George?' Ina asked, with a sudden, cheeky grin.

‘George?' Even Lorna, deep in her own thoughts, looked up at the name. ‘What's George got to do with anything?'

‘Didn't know he had a thing going for Flo?' Ina asked. ‘See, she's blushing!'

‘I never knew about you and George,' Lorna said, frowning a little. ‘Why'd you never tell me, Flo?'

‘For pity's sake, there was nothing to tell!' Flo cried irritably. ‘OK, he's been asking me out for some time and I haven't gone, so maybe we've both missed that particular boat. I've got more important things to think about now, anyway.'

More important things . . . Lorna's heart was like an unbearable weight in her chest, as she considered what was important and what was not. At one time, she'd thought her life would be so simple. Get a job in a band. Be happy. End of story. Now she felt tossed on violent seas, caught in emotions she didn't know how to handle, yet clinging on to what had driven her so far, the feeling that she must be true to herself, true to what she could do and wanted to do. And if someone didn't want that for her, then she needed to admit that he was not for her.

But, oh, that was so hard!

When the week of notice finally ended, there was an emotional drink with the band on the last night, with even Luke shaking the leavers' hands and wishing them all the best, and being described by Flo under her breath as ‘the great hypocrite'. Still, it meant there was no unpleasantness at the end.

And then George, for once not seeming cheerful, took Flo home, and Lorna, not looking out for Rod, who had kept his distance all week and particularly that last evening, went home alone.

Still wearing the dress she'd worn for her last time with the band, she sat in her room, thinking she should make a start on her packing, but instead doing nothing at all. Tomorrow, she would be returning home to Edinburgh, where she would look for a temporary job to keep her going while she worked out her plans, while Flo, in Glasgow, did the same. Lorna was too weary and too dispirited to look forward to her new life.

Where had all her energy gone? Vanished with her love for Rod? No, because that love was still with her. Gone with her hopes of love, then? Maybe. Perhaps all along she'd been foolish to think she could have everything she wanted? Folk always said that women couldn't expect to have it all.

With tremendous effort, she finally rose from her chair, deciding to change into something casual and begin work on the packing, when a light knock came at her door and her heart lurched. Flo, perhaps? No, not Flo, who was giving George a farewell drink. Who, then? The knock came again. ‘Oh, God,' she whispered, for she thought she knew.

‘Lorna?' came Rod's voice. ‘Are you there? Please open the door.'

She opened it and he came through, gasping a little, as though he'd been running.

‘No snow today.' He smiled faintly. ‘Remember that time in winter when I came to you?'

‘I remember.'

He had changed from his band uniform into shirt and slacks and was not carrying his trumpet, so he must have gone home first and then come running to her. She began to tremble, wondering what it might mean, as his eyes went over her as though they would never look away, and he drew her into his arms.

‘Still in your blue dress,' he whispered. ‘So beautiful . . . Lorna, I had to see you.'

‘I didn't expect you.'

‘You thought I wouldn't come to say goodbye?'

‘Why should you come? You haven't spoken to me all week.'

‘I know, I didn't dare. If I'd spoken to you, I might have disgraced myself. Burst into tears, or something.'

‘As though you would!'

‘Well, how have you been feeling this week, then?'

‘Like bursting into tears.'

‘There you are, then.'

‘Oh, Rod, this is hopeless.' She pulled herself from him and sank into her chair, real tears stinging her eyes. ‘I don't know why you've come, it can't do any good.'

He knelt at her side. ‘I had to say goodbye, Lorna.'

‘I'm only going to Edinburgh.'

‘Thing is . . .' He took her hands. ‘I'm going away myself.'

She gave a start, staring at him with huge, apprehensive eyes.

‘Where?'

‘America.'

‘America?'

It was worse than she'd ever expected. Terrible, awful news, because it really was the end of hope. She knew now, as she looked desolately away from him, that all along, secretly, she'd been hoping that there might still be a chance of reconciliation. Even that short while ago, when she'd blamed her loss of energy on her loss of hope, there had been a spark flickering, so tiny she'd not even allowed herself to recognize it. But it had been there, and now it was gone. Extinguished by that word he had just said. America.

‘You're going to your father?' she asked, trying to appear calm.

‘Yes, he's written to Leland and me. Thinks it's time we saw each other again. Asked my mother to go out, too, but she says better not. There's nothing for her now in America.'

‘But plenty for you?'

‘More than here,' he said quietly. ‘I can't bear the thought of staying on without you.'

‘I feel the same.'

‘But you're starting a new life, aren't you? A life where there's no place for me?'

‘You say that, but it isn't true.'

‘I wish to God you were right.'

He stood up, then drew her from her chair back into his arms, and for some time they stood together, trembling and caressing, until quietly he slipped her dress from her shoulders and she began to unbutton his shirt. In the corner, as they both knew, was her narrow bed; something they'd always averted their eyes from in the past, but now it seemed to burn its way into their consciousness. No words were spoken except their names that they repeated over and over, as they moved across the floor, scattering clothes as they went, until they reached the waiting bed and sank into joy.

I never meant this to happen, Lorna thought for a brief moment, but then there was no space in her mind for thoughts any more, no space except for feelings that were the most intense she had ever known. Would she remember them for ever, these feelings of her first time?

Oh, but not the last? Surely not the last time with Rod, lying beside her, looking still so happy, with all the wretchedness of the past week wiped clean from his dear face?

‘Oh, look,' he whispered, ‘there's your dress on the floor. Your lovely blue dress. But you look even more beautiful without it.'

‘I should pick it up,' she said lazily. ‘I should pack. I'm going to Edinburgh tomorrow.'

‘Ah, don't go to Edinburgh, darling Lorna. Come to America with me.'

America. It was as though a cold wind was sweeping over their nakedness, and Lorna sat up, gazing down at Rod, who had put out a hand to hold her. Quietly, she unpicked his fingers and stepped from the bed. Her dressing gown hung from a peg on the door and she put it on, tying it round her waist, while he, as sensitive as ever to things unsaid, left the bed and came to her.