The Misfortune Cookie: An Esther Diamond Novel (5 page)

“Well . . .” He looked bemused. “Yeah.”

Ronnie Romano started chuckling. “Oh, this is gonna be good.”

The redheaded cop said, “Shut up, Ronnie.”

I was incredulous. “You thought I’d
sleep
with you again?”

Now Lopez was annoyed. “Yes.”

“As in, maybe some day in the distant future, if we’re the last two people left on the whole planet after a global disaster?”

“No, I was thinking it would be sooner than that,” he said in exasperation.

“We don’t have time for this,” said Napoli.

“How could you possibly think I’d ever let you near me again?” I shouted.

“I really did miss something, didn’t I?” said Lopez.

“Oh, my God! I can’t believe what a jerk you are!”

“Er, detectives?” called another cop. “I hate to interrupt, but we’re sort of in the middle of a big bust over here and could use some help.”

“No, no, take your time,” said Tommy Two Toes. “No rush.”

“Shut up, Tommy,” said Napoli.

“What are they doing?” Stella shrieked as cops started coming down the steps from her office with boxes full of her business files. “That’s my stuff! Put that back!”

The policewoman said, “It’s all covered by the search warrant you tried to
eat
a few minutes ago, Miss Butera.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up.”

“Why won’t you sleep with me again?” Lopez asked, looking bewildered. “What happened?”

“What
happened?
” I repeated.
“Why?
”

“Oh, this is almost worth getting arrested for,” said Ronnie.

“Lopez,” said Napoli, “we actually
are
in the middle of a big bust, so—”

“Yeah,
why?
”
he said to me.

“Because you slept with me and then didn’t call!” I raged.

“Whoa! Really?” said Jimmy.

“The bum!” said Stella.

Ronnie burst out laughing.

Napoli looked at Lopez. “Is that true?”

“It’s been a week!” I added.

“Yikes,” said the redheaded cop.

Tommy added, “What a jerk!”

“A
week?
” said Napoli.

“Yes!” I said.

“No, of course it hasn’t been a week,” Lopez said dismissively.

“Christmas Eve!” I shrieked, enraged beyond all measure. “We had sex on Christmas Eve!
Twice!
”

“Stamina,” Tommy said judiciously.

“Young guys,” Freddie said with envy.

“Oh, that explains why you were late for work Christmas morning,” said Napoli.

“And I haven’t heard from you since then!” I shouted. “A
week!
”

“What a mook,” Freddie said in disgust.

Lopez shook his head. “No, Esther, it was only . . . only . . .” He paused. “Oh.”

“The penny drops,” said Ronnie.

Lopez squinted at me. “It’s been a week?”

“Yes.
”

“Christmas Eve . . . New Year’s Eve . . .” We all waited in taut silence while he thought it over. “You’re right. I guess it’s been a week.”

“You
guess?
” A moment ago, I hadn’t thought it was possible to get any angrier. Now I realized how wrong I’d been.

“God, even for a
cop,
this is pathetic,” said Ronnie.

“Put a sock in it, Ronnie,” said Napoli.

“That ain’t no way to treat a lady,” said Jimmy Legs, shaking his head as the redheaded cop handcuffed him.

Apparently thinking he had a good argument at hand, Lopez said to me, “You could have called me if you wanted to talk t—”

“I did call you! I left you a message!”

“Oh . . .” He looked dazed. “That’s right. I forgot . . .”

“You didn’t call her back?” blurted the policewoman who was cuffing Stella. She met my eyes.
“Men.
”

“Hey, we ain’t all like that,” protested Freddie—who was here tonight with his mistress while Mrs. Freddie was probably at home alone.

“Men,
” I repeated.

“Jesus, Lopez,” Napoli said in exasperation. “After Chubby Charlie got whacked, why did I have to go around and around and
around
with you about this woman, if you were just going to wind up dumping her? You could’ve saved me a lot of antacids if you’d just—”

“Don’t you have a big bust to supervise?” Lopez said to him.

“
You’re
the one who insisted on doing this tonight,” Napoli shot back. “
I
wanted to wait a couple of days, when we’d have more staff available for this and it would be easier to find a sober judge. But noooo, you pushed and pushed until—”

“Fine, this is all my fault,” Lopez snapped. “
Everything
is my fault. Okay?”

“Well,
there’s
something we can agree on,” I said.

“But as long as we’re here now,” Lopez prodded Napoli, “maybe you’d like to go arrest someone.” He nodded toward the wiseguys who were lined up next to Stella.

“No, that’s all right, we can wait,” said Tommy. “Don’t put yourself out.”

“Shut up,” Lopez and Napoli said in unison.

Then Napoli glared at Lopez, gave a disgusted shake of his head, and turned to the arresting officers, whom he urged to stop gaping at us and get this bust back on track. He crossed the floor and started assisting them.

Lopez looked around uncomfortably at the crowd for whom we had been providing a free floor show. “Look, can we talk about this later?” he said to me.

“No, there’s nothing left to talk about!” Immediately contradicting myself, I said, “How could you do that? What kind of a person
are
you?”

“He’s a loser, that’s what kind!” said Freddie as he was being escorted out of the restaurant by two cops, his hands cuffed behind his back.

Napoli told Freddie to mind his own business.

“What were you
thinking?
” I raged at Lopez, getting it all off my chest now. “You insensitive, self-centered, callous—”

“I was busy!”

I was so furious I could barely speak, but I forced the words out. “You were . . .
busy?
”

Lopez lost the last shreds of self-control. “
Yes
, goddamn it!”

So did I.
“BUSY?
”

“Lame,” said Jimmy.

“Priceless.” Ronnie was laughing again.

“And so were
you,
it turns out,” Lopez shouted.

“What does
that
mean?” I demanded.

“It means I got here, at the end of a week made in
hell—
”

“Oh, now you remember it’s been a week!”

“—to find you
dancing on tabletops!
Having the time of your life—
and
giving a bunch of wiseguys a good long look under your skirt!” He was beside himself now. “So don’t pretend you’ve been sitting around waiting for me to call!”

Since that was
exactly
what I had been doing, this was too much. Just
too much.
Before I knew it, my hand was whipping across his cheek in a loud, stinging slap. Lopez fell back a step, startled. So did I. I’d hit him so hard my hand burned, and a white palm print stood out sharply against his dark skin for a moment.

Stella and the Gambello crew were cheering.

“Way to go, Esther!”

“Good for you!”

“That’ll teach the bum!”

Lopez and I stared at each other, both caught off guard by what I’d just done. I heard harsh, rasping breaths—and realized they were my own.

“That does it,” said Napoli. “Put your hands behind your back, Miss Diamond.”

“What?” I said distractedly. It seemed a peculiar request.

“Pete, no,” Lopez said suddenly.
“Don’t.
”

“I warned her,” Napoli said. “Hands behind your back
now,
Miss Diamond.”

“Huh?” I said in confusion.

Lopez stepped close to us and said to his colleague in a low voice, “Come on, don’t do this.”

“You know I can’t let it go,” Napoli replied, also in a low voice, as he pulled out his handcuffs. “Slugging a cop during a bust?”

“Wait a minute,” I said, realizing what was happening as Napoli snapped a cuff around my right wrist. “No!”

“Hitting an officer in front of witnesses,” Napoli continued to Lopez. “And in front of
these
witnesses. I can’t give her a pass on this one.”

“Oh, come on, Pete, you
know
why she hit me.”

“Ow! That’s pinching!” I tried to wriggle out of Napoli’s grasp.

“Hold still,” he said tersely to me. “Don’t make things worse for yourself.”

Lopez persisted, “It had nothing to do the bust. Or with me being a cop.”

“Believe me,” said Napoli, “I sympathize with Miss Diamond’s motives and understand her actions.”

“Then let me go,” I urged as he pulled my arms behind my back and snapped the other cuff on my left wrist.

“But she picked the wrong time and place. I gave her two warnings in a row about violent behavior to a police officer—”

“You can’t be serious!” I said.

“—and she did it, anyhow.” Napoli added, “In the middle of a high-profile bust, while arguing with the cop in question. You know I can’t let it go.”

Lopez rubbed his forehead and said, “I’d really like to wake up now. Please, God, let me wake up.”

“You’re going to let him
arrest
me?” I demanded of Lopez. “You’re really letting this happen?”

“Shut up,” he said without looking at me. “I’m trying to think.”

“This is no time for thinking,” I insisted, feeling the cold weight of police metal encircling my wrists. “
Do
something.”

“Esther Diamond,” said Napoli, “I’m arresting you for—”

“Wait!” Lopez was apparently done thinking. “I’ve got it. I’ll do it.”

Napoli and I both stared at him.

“I’ll book her,” he clarified.

“What?” I blurted.

“No, I’ve got this,” said Napoli. “You don’t . . .
Oh.
I see.”

“
You’re
going to arrest me?” I said incredulously.

“Yeah, I’m going to arrest you,” Lopez said with resignation.

“
That’s
your bright idea?” I said. “Swapping places with Detective Charm?”

Napoli asked him, “Are you sure you want to do this? It won’t look good.”

“It
already
doesn’t look good,” I said. “How
dare
you two arrest me, when he had the nerve, the
gall—
”

“You’ll catch some shit for this,” Napoli warned him.

“You
bet
he will,” I confirmed.

“I’ll deal with it,” Lopez said.

“Stop!” I said as Lopez took a step toward me. “I don’t want to be arrested by
you.
I want someone else!
Haven’t you done enough to me already?”

Ronnie, who was being led to the door in cuffs, burst out laughing again. “Oh, buddy,” he said to Lopez, “your love life is deader than a thirty-year-old corpse in a Jersey landfill.”

“Yeah, I’m sensing that,” Lopez said tersely as he brushed Napoli aside and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t
touch
me!” I jerked reflexively away from him—and, in doing so, accidentally banged the back of my head into Napoli’s nose.

“Agh!
” the detective staggered backward, clutching his face.

The Gambellos who were still inside the restaurant cheered again. So did some of the diners who were still waiting to be allowed to leave.

“Whoa! Esther clips two of New York’s finest inside of five minutes!”

“Go, Esther!” said Stella. “Do them all! The bums!”

Napoli’s eyes were tearing as he snatched up a dirty napkin from a nearby table to dab at his nose, which was bright red now. “Arrest her, goddamn it!” he said to Lopez. “And get her the hell out of my sight!”

“Honor is due, Esther,” Jimmy Legs said as the redheaded cop led him past me and out the door. “You are one fine dame.”

“She’s about to become a dame with an assault record,” muttered Napoli.

Looking very sad that he had ever met any of us, Lopez gave a heavy sigh and said, “Esther Diamond, I am placing you under arrest.”

The Eight Immortals

These legendary figures embody the various conditions of human life—poverty and wealth, youth and age, male and female. Born human, they achieved immortality through their deeds.

I
t turned out that being arrested for assaulting a police officer put me at the pinnacle of the criminal pantheon inside the women’s holding cells. Even Stella ranked below me. I would have thought that laundering money for the mob was a more impressive deed than slapping your former almost-boyfriend. But slugging a cop evidently imbued me with legendary status among the hookers, crack addicts, and shoplifters sharing this illustrious space with me in the wee hours of New Year’s morning.

Also, I don’t think any of them had the faintest idea what money laundering
was
, and Stella and I were both too agitated to explain it well.

I settled into my demoralizing situation—starting off the New Year in jail—by trying to distract myself and use the time productively. In pursuit of my craft, I attempted to study my fellow prisoners, who represented diverse conditions of human existence.

I was initially interested in the prostitutes, since I had played one recently—a guest role on the cable TV cult hit,
The Dirty Thirty
—and might play one again someday. But apart from their enthusiasm over my having hit a cop, they just seemed sleepy and bored, providing me with very little material.

Still trying to be conscientious—and still trying not to think about my immediate future, which I wasn’t ready to face—I focused next on three Ivy League coeds who were also locked up in here tonight. I didn’t know what they were charged with, but the extent of their inebriation suggested several possibilities. They were obviously from wealthy backgrounds, and just as obviously not used to surroundings like this. I decided to observe how these three young women reacted to the gravity of their situation and to being in close quarters with streetwalkers, thieves, addicts, and a furious restaurateur.

But this was pretty dull, too. One of the girls promptly fell asleep and was snoring away peacefully. Another had vomited twice and was rocking back and forth now with her arms folded over her stomach. And the third one kept hitting on me. As a waitress who’d clobbered a cop in a mob joint, I evidently represented exciting erotic possibilities for a bisexual society girl who was briefly enthralled with the idea of rough trade. After I got tired of telling her to leave me alone, which didn’t work, I yanked so hard on her hair that she retreated sulkily to a corner, glaring at me in resentful silence thereafter.

Stella was pacing back and forth, muttering to herself, still dressed in her sequined, leopard-print outfit. I thought any random stranger who passed this area would assume she was the hookers’ boss, rather than mine. Compared to all my companions here, I almost looked like a nun in my server’s outfit of white blouse, knee-length black skirt, support hose, and sensible shoes.

By now, I was sitting hunched over on a wooden bench, my chin in my hands. It had been a couple of hours since I’d been locked up in here with the scum of the earth (I refer, of course, to the privileged young drunks who’d never had to look for work or worry about rent money), and I stared at the floor as I morosely forced myself to confront my situation.

On the plus side, I would have legal representation. True, my attorney would be a notorious mouthpiece for the mob, but he was very experienced and I wouldn’t have to pay for him. Since I was a friend of the family and had been scooped up in a sweep of the Gambellos, Stella assured me that “the boss” was going to take care of me—which included securing and paying for my counsel. Although I realized that requesting a public defender might better demonstrate law-abiding propriety on my part, I decided I’d prefer to stick with the Shy Don’s lawyer. He routinely kept killers and extortionists out of prison, after all, so I hoped my case would be a cakewalk for him.

But even with my legal fees covered by Victor Gambello, I was really worried about money. The cops had raided Stella’s at the height of the evening, before the customers, many of whom had been camped at their tables all night, had paid their checks and left. So I had only collected tips from the early crowd, the people who ate dinner and then left Bella Stella to attend festivities elsewhere. Which meant that when Lopez—that
bastard!
—arrested me and put me in the back of the police van with all the Gambello prisoners, I only had about one-third of the earnings I was counting on for the night. The rest would have rolled in later, around two o’clock in the morning, if the place hadn’t been busted.

I wondered how long I could last on the quantity of cash that I estimated had been in my server’s pouch at midnight. And when would Bella Stella reopen for business? Not soon, I suspected—not with its owner facing indictment. OCCB wouldn’t have staged such a big bust tonight if they didn’t have a strong case.

With Bella Stella off the menu, so to speak, I wondered how soon I could get another job—and collect my first earnings from it. In fact,
could
I get another job, now that I had a recent arrest on my record? What if, despite the Shy Don’s lawyer defending me, this arrest turned into a conviction?

Damn Lopez.

If I got out of jail for assaulting him, the first thing I was going to do was kill him. He deserved it.

“Hey, handsome,” one of the hookers suddenly said in a sultry voice. “You lookin’ for a party?”

“No, I’m looking for my assailant.”

My head jerked up the second I recognized Lopez’s voice. I saw him standing outside our cage, looking even more exhausted than he had during the bust, as if he was by now running only on the
memory
of fumes.

Serves him right.

He had replaced his bulletproof vest with a navy blue pullover sweater. I resented this, since that was a good color for him. It brought out the blue of his eyes, flattered his olive complexion, and made his coal-black hair look even darker. The fact that it was a ratty-looking old wool sweater with unraveling cuffs didn’t seem to mute its effect on me.

I had a sudden, unbidden memory of clumsily helping him pull a different sweater over his head exactly a week ago. It fell to the floor of my apartment, quickly followed by the rest of his clothes—which he was frantically shedding as we clung and kissed and embraced, feverish and uninhibited with each other, his ravenous mouth on mine, his hands all over my naked body . . .

I sat bolt upright and started choking on a sort of shocked hiccup, appalled by where my thoughts had just wandered based on one quick look at the tired, shabbily-dressed cop who had
arrested
me tonight.

“Are you all right, Esther?” he asked.

Our gazes locked. I swallowed, cleared my throat, and composed myself.

“What do
you
want, detective?” I asked coldly.

“Oh, I get it,” said the hooker who had greeted him. “You’re the cop she decked?”

“I’m the one,” Lopez said wearily.

Most of my fellow prisoners perked up, looking at him with interest now.

“Oooh, honey,” the same woman said to Lopez. “What ever did you do to make her wanna wallop such a pretty face?”

“He slept with me and then never called,” I said tersely, rising from my bench.

“Seriously?” She looked at Lopez with a much less flattering expression now. “That is so tacky!”

“I think there are still some people in the tri-state area who haven’t heard,” Lopez said to me. “Do you want to alert the media? It would save time.”

“God, men are all the same,” said another of the prostitutes. “Don’t you just hate them?”

“You’re a bum!” Stella told Lopez.

“I’m going to be sick!” said the drunk coed with the weak stomach.

“Again?”

We all took a few steps back.

She burped, then said, “Never mind. False alarm.”

The society girl who’d been hitting on me earlier stood up, pointed at me, and said to Lopez, “She assaulted me, too! I want to press charges. Against her
and
against the department—for putting this
animal
in here with me!”

“What did you do
now?
” Lopez asked me.

“I defended my virtue,” I said crankily.

He lifted a brow. “Surely it’s a little late for that?”

“Oh, don’t you
dare—
”

“Kidding,” he said. “Kidding.”

“You are in no position to kid me,” I reminded him.

“I guess not,” he admitted.

“Where’s my lawyer?” Stella asked, seething with impatience. “Isn’t he here yet?”

“Yeah, he got here about twenty minutes ago. He’s meeting first with Ronnie and Jimmy and Tommy and . . . oh, all the rest of them,” Lopez replied. “He’ll see you after he’s done with them.”

“How long will
that
take?” she demanded.

“I’m guessing you could make a dent in
War and Peace
while you’re waiting.”

“I ain’t got all night!”

“Actually, you do,” Lopez pointed out.

“Why, you rotten, lousy, stinking—”

“Hey,
I’m
not the guy who sent only one lawyer here to represent all of you,” he said. “Take it up with Victor Gambello if you’re not happy.”

“Hmph.”

Turning away from Stella, Lopez nodded to the uniformed policewoman who stood nearby. She unlocked our cell as he said, “Come on, Esther. Let’s go.”

“Huh?”

As the cell door opened, Stella stepped protectively in front of me and eyed Lopez. “Where are you taking her?”

“Relax, Stella. We’re letting her go.”

“You are?” I said in surprise.

“Yeah.” He gestured for me to exit the cell. “Come on.”

I looked doubtfully at Stella, not wanting to leave her here. When she realized why I was hesitating, she shook her head and patted my arm. “Don’t worry about me, kid. I’ll be outta here pronto. I just gotta wait for my lawyer.”

“And for a judge,” Lopez said.

“Oh, shit,” she said in disgust. “I forgot. It’s New Year’s Day.”

Stella sighed, rolled her eyes, and sat down on a bench, settling in for a long wait. I asked if she wanted me to bring anything here for her, now that I was evidently being set free; but she said her assistant was taking care of that. So I gave her a quick hug, wished the other inmates the best of luck with the legal system, and exited my cell.

I felt a rush of relief as I followed Lopez down the hall and left the holding area. I was out of there! And apparently not going to appear before a judge, after all, let alone face being convicted of assaulting a police officer.

Lopez didn’t stop walking until we reached the window where I could reclaim my possessions from the NYPD. He gave them my name and verified my release.

A moment later, a man appeared at the end of the hall. “Has anybody seen—Oh, there he is. Lopez!”

As my companion turned to look at him, I recognized the redheaded cop who’d participated in the bust at Bella Stella.

He recognized me, too. His face split in a grin. “Miss Diamond! Delighted see you again.”

I shrewdly sensed that the wiseguys weren’t the only people who’d found certain events at the restaurant vastly amusing.

Lopez asked him, “What do you want?”

“We need to finish the—”

“Yeah, I know. I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Lopez replied. “I just need to wrap this up.”

“Do you need any . . . Oh,
right.
Never mind.” The cop grinned again. “I just love a happy ending.” He was chuckling as he turned and went back the way he had come.

“God, will this shift never end?” Lopez muttered in despair.

I searched my soul for some compassion but didn’t find any. Go figure.

While we waited for someone to retrieve my stuff, I asked him, “What’s going to happen to Stella?”

“In the long run, we’ll see,” he said. “Meanwhile, she’s right—she’ll be released on bail after she’s arraigned.”

“What about the restaurant?”

“It won’t be reopening for a while, Esther.” It was clear from his tone that he knew this was bad news for me. “Maybe not ever—not as Stella’s place, anyhow.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t surprised, but my heart sank, even so.

He was avoiding my eyes as he said, “You’ll have to find another job.”

“Uh-huh.” After a moment I asked, “Am I all done here? I mean, what happened to my arrest for . . . ? You know.” I made an awkward gesture indicating the cheek I had slapped.

“We’re dropping the charges.”

“Good!” I said with relief. Then: “Um, why? Napoli seemed to think that
hanging
would be too good for me.”

“I screwed up the arrest,” said Lopez, looking through the clerk’s window to check on progress. “This could take a few minutes. They’re understaffed tonight.”

I frowned. “What do you mean, you screwed it up?”

“Oh, I charged you with the wrong thing.” He sounded as tired as he looked. “I didn’t read you your rights. I filled out the report wrong. And so on.”

I hadn’t even noticed any of this. I’d been too upset to be aware of the whole ordeal as anything other than a surreal nightmare.

Lopez added, “I thought about sexually harassing you in front of witnesses, but that seemed like overkill. And I’ll have enough explaining to do, as it is.”