The Missing Husband (35 page)

She was no nearer knowing where David was or what had happened to him, and even though she was starting to accept that he wasn’t lurking in every shadow, her anxiety disorder wasn’t going to release her from her fears without a fight.

Occasionally, the sound of a phone ringing intruded upon her endeavours but she refused to be distracted. It was only when the doorbell rang at six o’clock that evening that Jo was ready to consider allowing a little of the outside world in.

‘Reporting for duty, ma’am,’ Heather chirped but her confidence dissipated as soon as she stepped into the house. ‘I think you’d better tell me exactly what’s been going on, including why this house is full of fumes. I can hardly breathe.’

Jo led Heather into the living room where the smell of cleaning products was marginally less overpowering. Heather pulled a face and squeezed her nose. ‘Well?’ she asked.

Jo looked at her perfectly presented friend in her tailored suit with something akin to nostalgia. ‘I need your help,’ Jo began. ‘I’m ill, Heather, and I’m sick of it.’

‘Do we need to get your mum back here?’

‘No, or at least not for the moment. If she comes back then she’ll only mother me. I thought I was making progress but I was just following where she led. What I need is someone who can help me work things out for myself – and that’s where you come in. Heather, you’re the most straight-talking woman I know, please help me fight this.’

Of all the people who had been watching Jo’s life unravelling, Heather was the only one who refused to treat her with kid gloves. The Jo she knew was confident and controlled so it was almost implausible to her that her friend’s fears and obsessions could ever control her, and it was Heather’s belief in her that Jo intended to use to her advantage. Heather was going to help her mend her broken mind by treating her normally and reminding her of the person she had been so Jo could see a way back.

‘I should have come home from Portsmouth last night when you phoned. Have you actually been to bed or have you been cleaning the house for the last twenty-four hours?’

‘It makes me feel better,’ Jo tried.

‘How are you ever going to pull yourself together, Jo if you’re high on fumes?’

Jo was smoothing out the folds of her T-shirt as if she could straighten out the crumpled shell of a person sitting in her living room, occupying her place in the world. ‘OK, Heather, let’s get one thing straight. I have a mental illness. This isn’t going to be a matter of “pulling myself together”.’

‘I know,’ Heather said, ‘but if you want some advice, stop cleaning like a lunatic.’

‘Thank you for that little gem, but it’s not going to be that easy,’ Jo said patiently. ‘I still haven’t got my appointment with the therapist and even when I do, I have to be realistic. There’s only a limited amount of treatment on offer on the NHS and I can’t afford to go private, so that means I’m going to have to look at ways to help myself.’

‘With my help?’

‘Will you?’

‘I’m not sure I could play at being a therapist, Jo.’

Jo laughed. ‘I wouldn’t dare let you inside my head, although I can certainly give you a sneak preview. I’ve spent the last few weeks obsessing about David being out there watching me and that’s why I’ve been so terrified to leave the house. But I’m not so sure any more; in fact, I’m starting to believe it less and less. I’ve even taken the blind down off the door,’ she added proudly.

‘Yes, I noticed. Not one of your mum’s finest creations.’

‘It served its purpose, but I don’t think I need it any more. What I do need though is someone who can help me rationalize my fears once and for all and tempt me back out into the world.’

‘Do you want to go out for a walk now?’ Heather offered.

Jo tried to ignore the flutter of her heart, which had temporarily jumped into her throat. She had wanted to go out all day, but even though she had stopped feeling as if David was watching her every move, she had another fear to contend with: she was terrified that she would have another panic attack in spite of her new-found confidence and where would that leave her? How would she ever convince herself that she was free from her fears? ‘Not yet, I’ll need to build myself up to that, learn how to relax, how to stay calm when I feel an anxiety attack coming on.’ She had a hand on her chest and the warmth from her burning palm soothed her. ‘You haven’t seen me when I’m having an attack, it’s not pleasant, Heather, and they can come out of nowhere.’

‘You can’t put me off, I’m here to help.’

‘I’m glad to hear it, but I don’t think you quite realize what we’re up against. My mind’s been in free fall these last few days.’

Heather crossed her legs, leant forward in her chair and rested her chin on a hand. ‘I think you’d better tell me how this all started.’

Jo raised an eyebrow – trust Heather not to beat around the bush. Her thoughts spun round inside her head, but this was what she needed; this would help her grab hold of them. She started by telling Heather about the creeping fears she had felt since Archie was born, going into detail about how she had been convinced so many times that David had come back home only to discover it was Steve hiding behind the tree or knocking at the door. She talked about the birth certificate disappearing, about chasing shadows along the path by the station and finally about waking up in bed, convinced that David had been watching her. All of these were false alarms – she knew that, which only gave more substance to Sally’s counter-argument.

‘I can’t help thinking Sally’s right,’ Jo said. ‘Oh, God, what if David didn’t leave me? What if—’

‘But he’s been
seen
, Jo. He’s been caught red-handed dipping his fingers into his account. I mean, I’m certainly not about to convince you back into thinking he’s been spying on you, but I do think that he’s out there somewhere.’

With her hand still on her chest, Jo could feel her pulse quicken. ‘You’re right, of course you’re right … But if you had seen the look on David’s face when he was playing with Luke! I was there, I saw him, and he was desperate to be a dad. He was simply struggling to let go of this twisted belief that he couldn’t be a good father until he had done everything else he wanted to achieve in life. It took that damned video to remind me what I already knew: he wouldn’t walk away, Heather.’

Heather sighed. ‘I don’t blame you for wanting to think the best of him, I’m struggling to understand it myself, but he left you, Jo. He made his plans, he took his passport and his money and he left you. No. Doubt. About it,’ she finished, spitting out each word.

Jo released a juddering breath as she willed herself to accept the convincing argument that was the lesser of two evils.
David wasn’t dead
. ‘So what I’m left with is a constant battle to convince myself that he isn’t stalking me.’

‘If you’re that scared, then carry some pepper spray.’

‘I can’t do that!’

‘I would,’ sniffed Heather.

‘I wouldn’t.’

Heather looked shrewdly at her. ‘So you’re not
that
scared of him then?’

Jo rubbed her chest to ease the ever-present tension as she gave some thought to what Heather was trying to say in her inimitable way. ‘It’s not that simple. You have no idea what it’s like, this fear is paralyzing. Just taking that first step outside is like jumping from a plane and not knowing if I’m wearing a parachute.’

‘The step isn’t
that
high,’ Heather exclaimed with a twinkle in her eye.

Jo’s jaw clenched. She didn’t want to see the joke and wondered if Heather had been the right person to turn to after all. ‘Do you think I don’t know that? I’m well aware that not all my fears are rational, Heather, but it doesn’t stop me reacting as if they are very real. It’s like they feed off each other. Even when Archie was ill, when he needed help. What did I do? I stood in the hallway rooted to the spot. I let him down,’ Jo said and closed her eyes as she relived the terror of that moment when she had been paralyzed by fear, imaginary and real.

‘But you didn’t let him down. You got Archie to the doctor.’

‘Yes, but what about the next time? Even sitting here thinking about going outside brings me out in a cold sweat.’

The phone rang, giving Jo’s already tense body a start. Heather looked back and forth from Jo’s face to the phone, which her friend was refusing to pick up.

‘I’m not answering it,’ Jo explained. ‘It’s only Steph. She’s been phoning constantly since last night and I think she might have come over at dinner time too.’ There was in fact no doubt that Steph had visited. Jo had been standing at the nursery window and had seen her arrive then leave again five minutes later when Jo refused to answer the door. Her sister might not like the sun going down on an argument but Jo was in no rush to face that particular problem just yet.

‘She has a right to be angry,’ Heather said after Jo explained what had happened.

‘I know, but there was more to it than simply letting Lauren get a nose stud. I can’t tell you and I won’t tell Steph either. It’s for Lauren to explain to her mum and I have to give her time to do that. But if I’m honest, I was the one who ended up the angrier one out of the two of us,’ Jo said. ‘She had a go at me for leaving Archie with Irene.’

Heather cleared her throat. ‘And how long exactly are you planning on leaving him there?’

Jo had phoned Irene the night before and again that morning but with her self-confidence at an all-time low and Irene still worried about the state of Jo’s mind and her ability to care for the baby, neither could summon up a good argument for Archie’s return.

‘I’m scared that I can’t be the kind of mother Archie deserves.’

‘Do you want to be?’

Jo looked away, avoiding Heather’s eyes and the question itself. ‘It’s not fair on him. I’ve let him down time and time again.’

‘So you don’t want him then?’

Jo closed her eyes and immediately saw the little boy of her imaginings. ‘Yes, I want him. I want my son so, so much,’ she said but when she opened her eyes and the image disappeared, she added, ‘But if the last few days are anything to go by, he can do better.’ She gulped, ready at last to consider something she had been too ashamed to fully acknowledge before. ‘And what if the one thing stopping David coming home is Archie? What if it’s best all round if the baby isn’t here?’

Heather shook her head. ‘Look, it’s going to take me a while to get my head around all this anxiety business, but if you want my considered opinion then that’s a load of bollocks.’

Jo’s eyes widened. ‘Thanks, Heather.’

‘Well, it is. You told me you wanted my help, so you’re going to have to put up with some straight talking. Archie’s already been abandoned by his dad; he’s living with his grandmother who no doubt loves him very much, but he’s also under the same roof as that good-for-nothing son of hers. Or one of them, at least. Do you want Steve to be a role model in your son’s life? The man who could make a pass at his missing brother’s wife?’

Jo wished she hadn’t mentioned the incident to Heather and was half expecting her to drag her out of the house there and then to collect her son. ‘No, I wouldn’t want Steve anywhere near Archie, given the choice.’

‘Good, because you
do
have a choice. We’re going to get Archie back here where he belongs. You cared enough about him once to get him to the doctor. So, if you love him, you’ll pick him up sooner rather than later. You say you need time to prepare? OK, you have until tomorrow but you will go get him, Jo Taylor, and you’ll do it because it’s the best thing
all round
for you and for your son.’ She stopped dictating only long enough to allow herself a smile. ‘Sound like a plan?’

Playful bees chased bright yellow sunflowers in a relentless pursuit that cast long shadows across Archie’s empty cot. Jo was watching from the rocking chair as she hummed along to the music. Pushing herself gently back and forth, she kept her breathing steady as she prepared herself for the epic journey to Irene’s house a few miles away, a journey that would begin with one step.

Jo blinked slowly then turned to the window. The morning looked surprisingly bright but the world was still in the grip of winter and she imagined it would be deeply cold outside. She pictured herself opening the door and lifting a foot over the threshold. No one was watching her, no one was judging her, she repeated to herself but her heart still raced. She wasn’t ready yet, but there was no rush, she would take her time, she would do this right. She had told Irene she would pick the baby up at midday and it was only eleven. Her pulse began to slow.

‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,’ she sang and as she did, she thought of David. He had been her sunshine and the world had been impossibly dark without him. The house was devoid of light and life and she felt his absence seeping into every nook and cranny; but here in the nursery there was dappled light playing amongst the shadows. There was hope.

Heather had filled Jo with such determination that she felt a growing sense of anticipation at the thought of being reunited with her son. ‘You make me happy when skies are grey,’ she continued.

When the music stopped, all she could hear was the sound of her deep, steady breaths. She stood up. David – the man who must be alive somewhere because she couldn’t consider anything else – had left such a mess for her to clear up but Archie wasn’t going to be part of that. He could be the shining light in the darkness if only she would let him in. Ready to face the world, Jo headed for the stairs but at the last moment changed direction. There was no need to hurry, she reminded herself.

Standing in the study, the chaos David had created was painfully apparent. There was a stack of correspondence between Jo and the countless organisations she had been forced to explain her misery to; everything ordered into neat files but with so many loose ends still to tie up. To one side of the desk an in-tray groaned under the weight of incoming mail. Her mum had opened some but more envelopes had arrived since then.

She didn’t have time to go through everything but she could make a start by separating the tedious junk mail from the more demanding correspondence. It was a job that needed doing and it was far better to do it while Archie wasn’t there, she told herself as she justified her latest delaying tactic.