The Monster Within (3 page)

“You haven’t slept. You must be exhausted.”

He smiled. “Are you kidding me? I got you back. I’m so energized I could repaint the whole place and fix that table without taking a break.” He kissed my forehead. “How about you? Are you tired?”

I wasn’t. Ever since the incident at the gas station, I’d felt full of life. I hated that I felt so good, knowing I’d been responsible for that man’s death. I pushed the thought away. I couldn’t deal with it right now. “I’m fine. I’ll see what I can do in here. You know, start cleaning.” I looked around, not a clue where to start.

“Good luck.” Ethan squeezed my elbow gently before heading back outside.

The entire place was covered in about five inches of dust, so I figured I should open some windows and start wiping everything down. The sun poured into the kitchen window, and I blinked against it. My eyes weren’t used to the brightness anymore. I turned away, my eyelids fluttering with a flurry of black spots. My legs wobbled, and I staggered back, bumping my hip against the cabinet under the kitchen sink.

“Ow.” I was reaching for my hip when my vision went black. I couldn’t see a thing. Only darkness. “Ethan!” I called out. Before I could say another word, my vision returned. But it wasn’t the cottage I saw. It was a garden with flowers and a long, red carpet. A couple stood under a beautiful wooden archway with roses woven around it. I turned my head, searching for something familiar, something that would tell me what this place was and why I was seeing it. My eyes scanned the crowd sitting in the white seats. Rows of dresses and suits. Finally I saw a man with gray hair. He was dressed in a nice black suit, but he wore a black cowboy hat on his head.

Oh, God. It was
him
. The man I’d killed. I knew it was.

He took his wife’s hand and squeezed it. “Can you believe our son is twenty-seven years old and getting married?”

His wife turned and smiled at him. “Yeah, twenty-seven. That makes us pretty old.”

He patted her hand. “No, it makes us lucky.”

Everything went black again. I blinked my eyes, begging my sight to return. Even seeing the dilapidated cottage would’ve been better than this. The darkness reminded me of death. Forms started to take shape as my vision slowly returned.

What was that? How had I seen that man? And on his son’s wedding day? Maybe I hadn’t killed him. Maybe he’d just fainted in the car, and I was too scared to notice. Maybe the universe was trying to let me know I wasn’t a monster after all.

“Hey, babe.” Ethan opened the door, letting the sunlight filter into the room. “Do you want—” I must have looked awful, because the second he saw me, he rushed to my side. “What’s wrong?”

How did I answer that? I didn’t want to lie to him, not after all he’d done for me. I put my hand to my hip. “I hurt myself. It was stupid. My eyes are still a little sensitive to the sun. You know, from—”

“Sure.” He didn’t let me finish my sentence. “Let me see. Did you cut yourself?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t look at it yet.”

He started lifting the hem of my skirt, trying to see how bad my hip was, but I stepped back.

“What?” He looked hurt.

“I—I’m sorry. Everything is making me jumpy.”

“Including me?”

That had been the wrong thing to say. Now I’d insulted him. “No.” I reached for his hand. “You know I love you.”

“But you don’t want me to see you…naked.” He nodded, but I could tell he didn’t really understand.

“I know we almost…once, but things are different now.
I’m
different.”

He cupped the side of my face in his hand. “No, you’re not. What do I have to do to make you believe that?” He searched my eyes for an answer, but I didn’t have one to give. “You’re the same, and so are we.”

“I just don’t know if I can pick up where we left off. I need a little time to adjust. This is a lot for me to take in all at once.” That was only half of it, but I couldn’t bear to tell him the rest.

“Do you want me to sleep on the couch or something?”

“No.” I took his hand again. “We can sleep in the same bed, but let’s take things slow, okay?”

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

No, but I didn’t say that. Instead I leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips. “What did you want to ask me when you came in?”

I could tell he didn’t want to drop this, but he wasn’t going to fight with me over it. “I found some paint in the shed. It’s off-white. Do you want me to paint anything?”

“Everything. This place needs a major face-lift.”

“Okay. I’ll get started on the outside first while you finish cleaning up a bit in here.”

“Thanks.” He started to walk away, but I held on to his hand, making him turn back to me. “I promise I’ll be okay, and we’ll get back to where we were. I just need time.”

“You have a lifetime.”

Yes, I did. Thanks to him. But after the incident at the gas station, I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted.

I went back to the cabinet below the kitchen sink. It had come open when I bumped into it. I figured it was as good a place as any to store cleaning supplies, so I started digging through it. I found some old sponges, an almost-empty bottle of dish detergent, a few pans, and a wooden box. I shimmied forward, trying to reach the wooden box. My scraped knees rubbed against the edge of the cabinet, making me wince. I really needed to clean out those cuts and bandage them. This place was dirty enough to infect any open wound.

I was about to stand up and take care of the cuts, but then I thought that maybe the wooden box was some kind of medical kit. It might have some Band-Aids or at least some gauze. I ducked my head and reached farther into the cabinet. My fingers wrapped around the box, and I pulled it out from its hiding place. I sat on the floor, ready to fix my knees. The box had no latch at all, but there were brass hinges on one side, which meant the top opened sideways instead of lifting off. I raised the front edge and tilted it back.

It wasn’t a medical kit. The box was filled with weird stuff. Red berries, leaves, and herbs I couldn’t identify. I dug deeper, feeling something smooth and cool in my fingers. I pulled it out and gasped. It was a small animal bone. At least I assumed it was an animal bone. Dropping it back into the box, I wiped my hands on my dress. I didn’t want to risk touching any more bones, but I couldn’t help wondering what else was in there. I picked up the box with both hands and gently tilted it so the contents shifted to one side. More bones. Something shiny peeked through the leaves and herbs, so I tilted the box again to get a better look.

A red stone in a platinum setting rested in the leaves. I knew the stone. It was a ruby. My birthstone. But more than that, I knew the ring. Ethan had given it to me for my birthday just a few months ago. I picked it up and placed it on my finger. A perfect fit.

Now the question remained. Why was my ring in this box with a bunch of bones? I’d given it back to Ethan two weeks before I died. I wanted him to have it to remember me. He told me he didn’t need a silly ring to remind him of me, but I’d insisted. I couldn’t believe he’d stash it in a box with the rest of this stuff.

What was he keeping from me?

CHAPTER THREE

I
WAS
still staring at the ring when Ethan came back into the cottage.

“Everything okay in here?” He cocked his head at me. I probably did look a little strange staring at my own hand.

I held my hand up, facing the ring toward him. “What was this doing in a box under the sink?”

“What?” He narrowed his eyes and met me in the kitchen, taking my hand in his. “Where did you find this?”

I pointed to the wooden box on the floor. “Why would you put my ring in a box with animal bones and leaves? What’s going on, Ethan?”

He bent down and inspected the box. “Sam, I’ve never seen this stuff before. None of it. I couldn’t even tell you what these things are.” He stood up and looked at the ring again. “That can’t be the same ring.”

If he were anyone else, I wouldn’t have believed him, but I knew Ethan wouldn’t lie to me. We were always honest with each other, which was why I hated keeping the incident at the gas station a secret.

“Where’s my ring? What did you do with it after I died?”

“I put it away. I couldn’t look at it. It just reminded me you were gone.” He lowered his head like he was ashamed of seeming weak.

“That makes sense.” I rubbed his arm, trying to let him know I understood. “But now that I’m back, could you get the ring for me? I’d like to wear it again.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I left it at a storage place my cousin uses. It’s not too far from here. I could get it in a few days, after we get settled.”

“Thanks.” I forced a smile and took off the ring, placing it on the counter. If it wasn’t the one Ethan had given me, I didn’t want it. Especially after it had shared a box with animal bones.

“I’ll get rid of this.” Ethan picked up the wooden box. “I’m not sure what it was doing here anyway. Rick isn’t a hunter or anything. I don’t know why he’d have animal bones lying around.”

They weren’t lying around. They were being kept in a box. There was a big difference, but I didn’t think insulting Ethan’s cousin was a good idea. If it weren’t for his cottage, we’d be homeless. But more than that, I wasn’t in a position to insult anyone after what I’d done.

We spent the rest of the day cleaning and painting. By nighttime, the place looked…bad. But that was a step up from uninhabitable, so we were making progress. Ethan had even thought to bring a deadbolt for the front door. There wasn’t much he hadn’t thought of.

“Hungry?” Ethan asked, bringing in a bag from the car. I recognized it from the gas station and shuddered. “We should close some of the windows now. It’s getting a little chilly outside.” He put the bag on the table and started shutting the windows. If only that were the reason I was shivering.

I opened the bag and saw dinner consisted of crackers and bottled water.

“Sorry, they didn’t have black licorice.” Ethan put his hands on my shoulders. “I’ll check the general store in the morning. They usually have that kind of stuff.”

“You’ve been here before?” I took a seat and opened the box of crackers.

“A few times, when I was a kid. My aunt and uncle used to come here in the summer. My mom and dad let me come with them sometimes.” He looked around. “Obviously that was a long time ago.”

“Obviously.” The décor wasn’t from this century. I laughed but immediately felt guilty. I couldn’t be happy, not after…

“You can decorate it any way you want. Doesn’t matter to me.” He shoved a whole cracker into his mouth and took a swig from his water bottle.

I smacked his arm. “You’re going to choke.”

“What, you don’t know mouth-to-mouth?” He grinned, and bits of cracker spilled onto the table.

“Very attractive.”

“Just trying to make you smile.”

There wasn’t much to smile about, but I didn’t want Ethan to think I wasn’t grateful to be alive, to be here with him.

I reached for his hand and squeezed it. “You don’t have to try to make me smile. I’m happy just being with you.”

“Oh yeah?” He raised an eyebrow, and I knew he was up to something. “Then let’s try a round of ‘Where would you rather be?’”

I laughed. It was a game we used to play when the cancer treatments made me too sick to get out of bed. “You sure you want to do that?” I mocked him, gesturing at the dilapidated cottage.

“I think I can handle it. Lay it on me.”

“Okay.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Part of the game was picturing yourself in the place you wanted to be. I was usually so good at it that I could smell the ocean and taste the salt in the air. My dream place was the beach. I hadn’t been there since I was diagnosed with cancer. My parents went all out and got us a week at the best resort in Myrtle Beach. We drove twelve hours there and back, but it was worth every leg cramp and crappy oldies song Dad had made me suffer through. I loved the beach. And they’d let Ethan come along.

“Earth to Sam,” Ethan said. “Did I lose you to this dream location?”

“I’m walking out on the pier at Myrtle Beach. The warm breeze is blowing through my hair. The waves are gently crashing against the shore, and I’m holding hands with this smokin’ hot guy.”

“Anyone I know?”

I shrugged and opened my eyes. “Maybe.”

“Oh, I see how it is.” Ethan nodded. “All right, what’s fair is fair. My turn.” He closed his eyes. A devilish grin formed on his lips, but then he reached across the table and took my hand. “I’m having dinner with the most beautiful girl in the world, and we are about to start our new life together. Just the two of us. And there’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

A single tear escaped my eyes, and I smiled. Because that was Ethan. Absolutely perfect. For a moment, I forgot that I was a monster who didn’t deserve him.

There were no dishes to clean up, so after we put the box of crackers in the cabinet over the stove, we were finished with dinner. We looked around the place, trying to figure out what to do next.

“Want to watch some TV?” Ethan walked over and fiddled with the ancient TV in the living room. I watched as he pressed every button on the set and the remote, but all he got was static and more static. He gave the screen a good whack with the palm of his hand before giving up completely. “Or we could talk.”

The couch cushions were airing out in the yard so it wasn’t like we could sit comfortably, even if the TV was working. We were slumming it.

“Actually, I’m kind of beat. I think I’d like to go to sleep.” I motioned toward the bedroom, and my cheeks got hot.

“Okay.” He studied my face for a moment. “Do you want me to take the floor tonight?”

“No. Don’t be silly.” I took his hand and led him into the bedroom. I was trying to act normal, but it was more difficult than I thought it would be. I was nervous. Here we were, alone in our place. I felt like a kid playing house. Only I wasn’t a kid, and neither was Ethan.

He’d brought clean sheets, so at least there was a thin layer of protection between us and the mattress that might very well have been older than the both of us combined. I folded back the top sheet, patting down the wrinkles. I felt like a damn hotel maid doing turndown service, not like a seventeen-year-old girl going to bed with her long-term boyfriend. It was pathetic.
I
was pathetic.