The Mourning Woods - 03

• Introduction
  
• Tis better To Have Loved and Lost
  
• Late For My Own Funeral
  
• Anticipation is a Killer
  
• Unexpected Company
  
• Ringside Seats
  
• Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink and Dissect
  
• Diplomatic Immunity
  
• Hell’s Hair Salon
  
• The Dude with the Crazy Eyes
  
• Yes, This is One of Those Exposition Chapters
  
• Vacation Daze
  
• Driving in Style
  
• Damn Nazi Vampires
  
• Four-legged Vampire Slayer
  
• Are We There Yet?
  
• As Primitive as Can Be
  
• Strangers in the Night
  
• Continental Breakfast
  
• Satan’s Snack Cart
  
• What’s in a Name?
  
• When You Gotta Go
  
• Keeping One’s Priorities Straight
  
• A Dumb Plan is Better than No Plan at All
  
• Cage Match
  
• 99 Bottles of Blood on the Wall
  
• Midnight Tryst
  
• Mission Improbable
  
• The Great White North
  
• Frozen Wasteland
  
• What Happened While I Was Out?
  
• The Lying, the Witch, and the...err...Zombie?
  
• Ninja Vampire Attack!
  
• A Sticky Situation
  
• French Fried Mountain Oysters
  
• Round Two
  
• Crossing Enemy Lines
  
• Guilty By Association
  
• I Can’t Hear You, I’m Screaming Too Loud
  
• A Small Piece of Peace
  
• The Awesomely Important Epilogue
  
• About the Author
  
• Bonus Chapter
  

Wayman Publishing

waymanpublishing.com

P. O. Box 160693

Clearfield, UT

84016

*****The Mourning Woods*****

Copyright© 2012 Rick Gualtieri

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without prior written permission of the author. Your support of author’s rights is appreciated.

All characters in this novel are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living, dead, or undead, is purely coincidental. The use of any real company and/or product names is for literary effect only. All other trademarks and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.

The views herein are the responsibility of the author and do not necessarily represent the position of Wayman Publishing.

Edited by Hercules Editing

Cover by Carl Graves at
http://www.extendedimagery.com/

Visit the author’s blog at:
http://www.poptartmanifesto.com

For Dick and Diana, you are always remembered and greatly missed.

Special thanks to my fabulous beta readers: Alissa, Solace, Jenn, Melissa, RJ, Matt, and Bucktooth Bob. You helped add that extra layer of story polish and for that I am grateful.

Hi, once again. As usual, it is my extreme pleasure to welcome you. This time out, we can ignore all the usual introductory crap and get straight to one main point: I had a ridiculous amount of fun writing this book. There, I said it! There really isn’t much more to it than that. Don’t get me wrong;
Bill The Vampire
and its sequel,
Scary Dead Things
, were awesome. Now that the origin story is done, though, and the stage has been set, it’s time to coax Bill out of his shell and into a much wider world than he’s used to (or ready for)...and that, well that’s a hoot.

This is my third major foray into Bill’s world (ignoring short stories or his and Sally’s ongoing Facebook adventures) and it’s really coming alive for me now. It’s getting so that I wouldn’t be half surprised to be walking through SoHo one night and suddenly see a quick flash of fang from the mouth of a pretty (if sarcastic) blonde.

Isn’t that what it’s all about, making the characters real? I, for one, think it is. Is there anything more entertaining (or frustrating) at times than reading a book and suddenly imagining yourself there alongside the characters? What would you do? Would you help them? Hinder them? Maybe smack them upside the head a few times? Ultimately you might do all the above, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that feeling that you’re reading the adventures of someone you could imagine meeting on the street, no matter how unlikely you know that actually to be.

That right there is the awesome part, because right at that point the adventure continues in ways that I, the lowly scribe, could never even begin to imagine. If you ever happen to find yourself wandering down an imaginary path with a nerdy vampire named Bill by your side, I wish you well and hope that you have quite the adventure.

That being said, I present to you
The Mourning Woods
, the Tome of Bill Part 3. If you enjoy reading it even half as much as I did writing it, then I think you’re in for one hell of a good time.

Rick G.

“What do you mean she quit!?” The question came out...well OK, it came out far
less
harshly than I had intended. I really meant to scream a massive string of obscenities into the phone. Sadly, even I had to admit that yelling, “What the fuck are you talking about you balding, little middle management douche of a shit!?” probably wouldn’t have been particularly diplomatic, especially considering that I was speaking with my boss.

“I know it’s abrupt,” replied the voice of Jim, my manager at HopScotchGames, “and believe me, I’m as upset as any of you, but we’ll just have to handle our own paperwork for a while. Don’t worry; I’ll start interviewing for a replacement next week.”

My roommate and coworker, Ed, hit the mute button. We were seated in his bedroom/office, as we usually were for the weekly conference call. He knew me well enough to know when a tirade was incoming, one that it was probably best to spare Jim from - particularly if we wanted to avoid the unemployment line.

Jim’s voice continued to drone, moving on to whatever topic of “importance” was next on the agenda. I didn’t hear a single word he said. For all I know, he could have been telling us that he had just won the lottery and was, even now, getting a blowjob from a thousand-dollar hooker.

“Calm down,” Ed said preemptively.

“Paperwork?” I barked, ignoring him. “He thinks I’m worried about
paperwork
? The only woman I’ve ever loved has just walked out of my life and he’s concerned that he has to print his own fucking PowerPoints.”

“Being just a tad melodramatic, aren’t we?”

“No. I mean, I know we’ve only been dating for a few months, but...”

“Dating?” Ed interrupted. “You’ve gone out for coffee maybe three...”

“Four!”

“Fine,
four
times. And didn’t you say it was Dutch each time?”

I glowered at my friend, letting my fangs extend menacingly. He just stared right back, nonplussed. Here I am a vampire - an immortal terror of the night - and I can’t even get the humans I share an apartment with to tremble in fear. My god, life is just not fair.

“Are you done pouting?” Ed asked.

“This is not pouting. It’s supposed to be threatening.”

“You might want to practice that in the mirror some more,” he continued, “Anyway, as I was saying, you’re overreacting just a bit.”

“Like you would know?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. Growing up, my older sister used to force me to watch Disney movies with her. Trust me; four non-dates do not a fairytale romance make.”

“There was more to it than that and you know it. Sheila and I...”

“Had nonstop mind-blowing sex?”

“Well no...”

“Played multiple games of tongue-hockey?”

“Not exactly.”

“Spent every waking moment together?”

“OK, I get the point!”

“Christ, did you ever even hold her fucking hand?”

“Well, once I brushed up against...”