The Mousetrap and Other Plays (122 page)

PHILIP
. I buy pictures quite often.

AMYAS
. (
looking up at him
) As an investment? To get in on the ground floor? Because somebody tells you So-and-so is an up-and-coming man? (
He grins
) I know you, you old money hog. Anyway, you can't buy this. It's not for sale.

PHILIP
. She's quite something.

AMYAS
. (
looking at the portrait
) She certainly is. (
Suddenly serious
) Sometimes I wish I'd never seen her.

PHILIP
. (
taking a cigarette from his case
) D'you remember when you first told me you were painting her? “No personal interest in her,” you said. Remember what I said? (
He grins
) “Tell that to the Marines.”

AMYAS
. (
overlapping
) “Tell that to the Marines.” All right—all right. So you were clever, you cold-blooded old fish. (
He rises, crosses to the trolley, takes the bottle of beer from the ice-bucket, and opens it
) Why don't you get yourself a woman? (
He pours the beer
)

PHILIP
. No time for 'em. (
He lights his cigarette
) And if I were you, Amyas, I wouldn't get tied up with any more.

AMYAS
. It's all very well for you to talk. I just can't leave women alone. (
He grins suddenly
)

PHILIP
. How about Caroline? Is she cutting up rough?

AMYAS
. What do you think? (
He takes his glass, crosses to the bench and sits on the downstage end
) Thank the Lord you've turned up, Phil. Living in this house with four women on your neck is enough to drive any man to the loony bin.

PHILIP
. Four?

AMYAS
. There's Caroline being bloody to Elsa in a well-bred, polite sort of way. Elsa, being just plain bloody to Caroline.

(
PHILIP
sits on the easel stool
)

There's Angela, hating my guts because at last I've persuaded Caroline to send her to boarding-school. She ought to have gone years ago. She's a nice kid, really, but Caroline spoils her, and she's inclined to run wild. She put a hedgehog in my bed last week.

(
PHILIP
laughs
)

Oh, yes, very funny—but you wait till
you
ram your feet down on a lot of ruddy prickles. And then lastly, but not leastly, there's the governess. Hates me like poison. Sits there at meals with her lips set together, oozing disapproval.

MISS
WILLIAMS
. (
off; down
L
.) Angela, you must get changed.

ANGELA
. (
off
) Oh, I'm all right.

PHILIP
. They seem to have got you down a bit.

MISS
WILLIAMS
. (
off
) You're not all right. You can't go out to tea with Mr. Blake in those jeans.

AMYAS
.
Nil desperandum!
(
He drinks
)

(
ANGELA
enters down
L
.)

ANGELA
. (
as she enters
) Merry wouldn't mind. (
She crosses to Philip and pulls him to his feet
) Hullo, Philip.

(
MISS
WILLIAMS
enters down
L
and crosses above the bench to the french windows
)

MISS
WILLIAMS
. Good afternoon, Mr. Blake. I hope you had a good journey down from London?

PHILIP
. Quite good, thank you.

(
MISS
WILLIAMS
goes into the room, sees the trug on the stool, picks it up, returns to the terrace and exits by the garden door up
L
)

ANGELA
. (
crossing to
L
of Amyas
) You've got paint on your ear.

AMYAS
. (
rubbing a painty hand on his other ear
) Eh?

ANGELA
. (
delighted
) Now you've got paint on both ears. He can't go out to tea like that, can he?

AMYAS
. I'll go out to tea with ass's ears if I like.

ANGELA
. (
putting her arms around Amyas' neck from behind and mocking him
) Amyas is an ass! Amyas is an ass!

AMYAS
. (
chanting
) Amyas is an ass.

(
MISS
WILLIAMS
enters up
L
and moves to the french windows
)

MISS
WILLIAMS
. Come along, Angela.

(
ANGELA
jumps over the bench and runs to the easel
)

ANGELA
. You and your stupid painting. (
Vindictively
) I'm going to write “Amyas is an ass” all over your picture in scarlet paint. (
She bends down, grabs a brush and proceeds to rub it in the red paint on the palette
)

(
AMYAS
rises quickly, puts his glass downstage of the bench, crosses to
ANGELA
and grabs her hand before she has time to damage the picture
)

AMYAS
. If you ever tamper with any picture of mine—(
seriously
) I'll kill you. Remember that. (
He picks up a piece of rag and cleans the brush
)

ANGELA
. You're just like Caroline—she's always saying, “I'll kill you” to people—but she never does, why, she won't even kill wasps. (
Sulkily
) I wish you'd hurry up and finish painting Elsa—then she'd go away.

PHILIP
. Don't you like her?

ANGELA
. (
snappily
) No. I think she's a terrible bore. (
She crosses to
L
and turns
) I can't imagine why Amyas has her here.

(
PHILIP
and
AMYAS
exchange looks.
AMYAS
crosses to Angela
)

I suppose she's paying you a terrible lot of money for painting her, is she, Amyas?

AMYAS
. (
putting his arm around Angela's shoulders and guiding her towards the french windows
) Go and finish your packing. Four-fifteen train tomorrow, and good riddance. (
He gives her a playful shove and turns downstage
)

(
ANGELA
hits
AMYAS
on the back. He turns and collapses on the bench, and she pommels his chest
)

ANGELA
. I hate you—I hate you. Caroline would never have sent me away to school if it wasn't for you.

PHILIP
. Mind the beer. (
He crosses to the bench, picks up the glass and puts it on the trolley
)

ANGELA
. You just want to get rid of me. You wait—I'll get even with you—I'll—I'll . . .

MISS
WILLIAMS
. (
with sharp authority
) Angela! Angela, come along.

ANGELA
. (
near to tears; sulkily
) Oh, all right. (
She runs into the room
)

(
MISS
WILLIAMS
follows Angela into the room.
ELSA
enters up
C
.
She has changed into a dress and looks ravishing.
ANGELA
gives Elsa a venomous look and runs out up
C
.
MISS
WILLIAMS
follows Angela off, and closes the door
)

AMYAS
. (
sitting up
) Wham! Why didn't you stand up for me? I'm black and blue.

PHILIP
. (
leaning against the downstage end of the pergola
) Black and blue? You're all the colours of the rainbow.

(
ELSA
wanders on to the terrace and moves down
C
,
beside the easel
)

You've got enough paint on you to . . . (
He breaks off as he sees Elsa
)

AMYAS
. Hullo, Elsa. All dolled up? You'll knock poor old Merry all of a heap.

PHILIP
. (
dryly
) Yes—I—I've been admiring the picture. (
He crosses below the easel to
R
of it and looks at the portrait
)

ELSA
. I shall be glad when it's finished. I
loathe
having to sit still. Amyas grunts and sweats and bites his brushes and doesn't hear you when you speak to him.

AMYAS
. (
playfully
) All models should have their tongues cut out.

(
ELSA
crosses and sits below Amyas on the bench
)

(
He looks appraisingly at her
) Anyway, you can't walk across the fields to Merry's in those shoes.

ELSA
. (
turning her foot this way and that; demurely
) I shan't need to. He's coming to fetch me in his car.

AMYAS
. Preferential treatment, eh? (
He grins
) You've certainly got old Merry going. How do you do it, you little devil?

ELSA
. (
playfully
) I don't know what you mean.

(
AMYAS
and
ELSA
are immersed in each other.
PHILIP
crosses to the french windows
)

PHILIP
. (
as he passes them
) I'll go and have a wash.

AMYAS
. (
not hearing Philip; to Elsa
) Yes, you do. You know damn well what I mean. (
He moves to kiss Elsa's ear, realizes Philip has said something and turns to him
) What?

PHILIP
. (
quietly
) A wash.

(
PHILIP
goes into the room and exits up
C
,
closing the door behind him
)

AMYAS
. (
laughing
) Good old Phil.

ELSA
. (
rising and crossing below the easel to
R
) You're very fond of him, aren't you?

AMYAS
. Known him all my life. He's a great guy.

ELSA
. (
turning and looking at the portrait
) I don't think it's a bit like me.

AMYAS
. Don't pretend you've any artistic judgement, Elsa. (
He rises
) You know nothing at all.

ELSA
. (
quite pleased
) How rude you are. Are you going out to tea with all that paint on your face?

(
AMYAS
crosses to the paintbox, takes up a piece of rag and moves to Elsa
)

AMYAS
. Here, clean me off a bit.

(
ELSA
takes the rag and rubs his face
)

Don't put the turps in my eye.

ELSA
. Well, hold still. (
After a second she puts both her arms around his waist
) Who do you love?

AMYAS
. (
not moving; quietly
) Caroline's room faces this way—so does Angela's.

ELSA
. I want to talk to you about Caroline.

AMYAS
. (
taking the rag and sitting on the stool
) Not now. I'm not in the mood.

ELSA
. It's no good putting it off. She's got to know
sometime
, hasn't she?

AMYAS
. (
grinning
) We could go off Victorian fashion and leave a note on her pin-cushion.

ELSA
. (
moving between Amyas and the easel
) I believe that's just what you'd like to do. But we've got to be absolutely fair and aboveboard about the whole thing.

AMYAS
. Hoity-toity!

ELSA
. Oh, do be serious.

AMYAS
. I
am
serious. I don't want a lot of fuss and scenes and hysterics. Now, mind yourself. (
He pushes her gently aside
)

ELSA
. (
moving
R
) I don't see why there should be scenes and hysterics. Caroline should have too much dignity and pride for that. (
She pivots around
)

AMYAS
. (
absorbed in painting
) Should she? You don't know Caroline.

ELSA
. When a marriage has gone wrong, it's only sensible to face the fact calmly.
AMYAS
. (
turning to look at her
) Advice from our marriage counsellor. Caroline loves me and she'll kick up the hell of a row.

ELSA
. (
moving down
R
) If she
really
loved you, she'd want you to be happy.

AMYAS
. (
grinning
) With somebody else? She'll probably poison you and stick a knife into me.

ELSA
. Don't be ridiculous!

AMYAS
. (
wiping his hands and nodding at the picture
) Well, that's that. Nothing doing until tomorrow morning. (
He drops the rag, rises and moves to Elsa
) Lovely, lovely Elsa. (
He takes her face in his hands
) What a lot of bloody nonsense you talk. (
He kisses her
)