Authors: Orhan Pamuk
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The others experienced nothing like it even though they heard the same tales.
I read a book one day and my whole life was changed. Even on the first page I was so affected by the book's intensity I felt my body sever itself and pull away from the chair where I sat reading the book that lay before me on the table. But even though I felt my body dissociating, my entire being remained so concertedly at the table that the book worked its influence not only on my soul but on every aspect of my identity. It was such a powerful influence that the light surging from the pages illumined my face; its incandescence dazzled my intellect but also endowed it with brilliant lucidity. This was the kind of light within which I could recast myself; I could lose my way in this light; I already sensed in the light the shadows of an existence I had yet to know and embrace. I sat at the table, turning the pages, my mind barely aware that I was reading, and my whole life was changing as I read the new words on each new page. I felt so unprepared for everything that was to befall me, and so helpless, that after a while I moved my face away instinctively as if to protect myself from the power that surged from the pages. It was with dread that I became aware of the complete transformation of the world around me, and I was overtaken by a feeling of loneliness I had never before experiencedâas if I had been stranded in a country where I knew neither the lay of the land nor the language and the customs.
I fastened onto the book even more intensely in the face of the helplessness brought on by that feeling of isolation. Nothing besides the book could reveal to me what was my necessary course of action, what it was that I might believe in, or observe, and what path my life was to take in the new country in which I found myself. I read on, turning the pages now as if I were reading a guidebook which would lead me through a strange and savage land. Help me, I felt like saying, help me find the new life, safe and unscathed by any mishap. Yet I knew the new life was built on words in the guidebook. I read it word for word, trying to find my path, but at the same time I was also imagining, to my own amazement, wonders upon wonders which would surely lead me astray.
The book lay on my table reflecting its light on my face, yet it seemed similar to the other familiar objects in the room. While I accepted with joy and wonder the possibility of a new life in the new world that lay before me, I was aware that the book which had changed my life so intensely was in fact something quite ordinary. My mind gradually opened its doors and windows to the wonders of the new world the words promised me, and yet I seemed to recall a chance encounter that had led me to the book. But the memory was no more than a superficial image, one that hadn't completely impressed itself on my consciousness. As I read on, a certain dread prompted me to reflect on the image: the new world the book revealed was so alien, so odd and astonishing that, in order to escape being totally immersed in this universe, I was anxious to sense anything related to the present.
What if I raised my eyes from the book and looked around at my room, my wardrobe, my bed, or glanced out the window, but did not find the world as I knew it? I was inhabited with this fear.
Minutes and pages followed one another, trains went by in the distance, I heard my mother leave and then return; I listened to the everyday roar of the city, the tinkle of the yogurt vendor's bell in the street, car engines, all the sounds familiar to me, as if I were hearing outlandish sounds. At first I thought there was a downpour outside, but it turned out to be the sound of some girls jumping rope. I thought it was beginning to clear up, but then there was the patter of raindrops on my window. I read the following page, the next one, and the ones after that; I saw light seeping through the threshold of the other life; I saw what I knew and what I didn't know; I saw my life, the path I assumed my own life would takeÂ â¦
The more I turned the pages, the more a world that I could have never imagined, or perceived, pervaded my being and took hold of my soul. All the things I had known or considered previously had now become trivial details, but things I had not been aware of before now emerged from their hiding places and sent me signals. Had I been asked to say what these were, it seemed I couldn't have given an answer while I still read on; I knew I was slowly making progress on a road that had no return, aware that my former interest in and curiosity for things were now closing behind me, but I was so excited and exhilarated by the new life that opened before me that all creation seemed worthy of my attention. I was shuddering and swinging my legs with the excitement of this insight when the wealth, the multiplicity, and the complexity of possibilities turned into a kind of terror.
In the light that surged from the book into my face, I was terrified to see shabby rooms, frenetic buses, bedraggled people, faint letters, lost towns, lost lives, phantoms. A journey was involved; it was always about a journey. I beheld a gaze that followed me on the journey, one that seemed to appear in the least expected places only to disappear, making itself sought all the more because it was so elusive, a tender gaze that had long been free of guilt and blameÂ â¦ I longed to become that gaze. I longed to exist in a world beheld by that gaze. I wanted it so much that I almost believed in my existence in that world. There was no necessity even to convince myself: I did in fact live there. Given that I lived there, the book must, of course, be about me. Someone had already imagined my ideas and put them down.
This led me to understand that the words and their meanings were, of necessity, dissimilar. From the beginning I had known the book had been written expressly for my benefit; it was not because these were portentous phrases and brilliant words that every word and every figure of speech pervaded my being, it was because I was under the impression that the book was about me. I could not fathom how I became subject to this feeling, but perhaps I did figure it out only to lose it trying to see my way through the murders, accidents, death, and missing signs with which the book was filled.
So it was that as I read my point of view was transformed by the book, and the book was transformed by my point of view. My dazzled eyes could no longer distinguish the world that existed within the book from the book that existed within the world. It was as if a singular world, a complete creation with all its colors and objects, were contained in the words that existed in the book; thus I could read into it with joy and wonder all the possibilities in my own mind. I began to understand that everything the book had initially whispered to me, then pounded into me, and eventually forced on me relentlessly had always been present, there, lying deep in my soul. The book had found the lost treasury that had been lying below the surface for ages and brought it up, and I felt I could appropriate for myself what I read in between the lines and the words. Somewhere in the final pages, I wanted to say I too had come up with the same ideas. It was much later, after I had been totally overtaken by the world the book described, that I actually saw death appear in the half-light before dawn, radiant as an angel. My own death.
I suddenly understood that my life had been enriched beyond my ken. Losing sight of the book was the only thing that frightened me then, but I was no longer as afraid of being unable to recognize what the book had told me of in the mundane objects around me in my room or in the street. I held the book between my hands and sniffed the smell of paper and ink that rose from the pages, just as I would do in my childhood when I'd finished reading a comic book from cover to cover. The smell was the same.
I rose from the table and pressed my forehead on the cool windowpane, as I used to do when I was a child, and I looked down into the street. Five hours ago, shortly after midday when I had placed the book on the table and begun reading, there had been a truck parked across the street which was now gone; wardrobes with mirrors, heavy tables, stands, boxes, pedestal lamps, et cetera, had been unloaded from the vehicle and a new family had moved into the vacant flat across the street. Since the curtains hadn't yet been put up, in the light of the bare bulb that lit the scene I could see the middle-aged parents, the son who was about my age, and their daughter; they were eating their evening meal in front of the TV. The girl's hair was light brown, the TV screen green.
I watched my new neighbors for a while; I liked watching them, perhaps because they were new or perhaps because watching them kept me safe. I didn't yet want to face the entire transformation of a familiar world now changed from top to bottom, but I was well aware that my room was no longer the same old room, nor the streets the same streets, my friends the same friends, my mother the same mother. They all implied a certain hostility, something dreadful and menacing that I could not quite name. I took a few steps away from the window but could not return to the book beckoning me back to the table. The object that had taken my life off its course was there on the table behind me, waiting. No matter how much I turned my back on it, the inception of everything was there in the pages of the book, and I could no longer put off embarking on that road.
Being cut off from my former life must have felt so horrifying for the moment that I too, like other people whose lives have been irretrievably altered by some disaster, wanted to comfort myself by assuming my life would resume its former course, that it was not something terrible that had befallen me, some accident or catastrophe. But the presence of the book standing open behind me was so palpable to my senses that I could not even imagine how my life could ever return to its old track.
It was in this state that I left my room when my mother called me to supper; I sat down like a novice unaccustomed to a new place, and tried making conversation. The TV was on; before us were platters with a stew of potato and chopped meat, cold braised leeks, a green salad, and apples. My mother brought up the new neighbors who were moving in across the street, my having sat down and, bravo, worked all afternoon, her shopping trip, the downpour, the evening news on TV, and the newscaster. I loved my mother; she was a good-looking woman who was gentle, temperate, and sympathetic; I felt guilty of having read a book that had estranged me from her world.
Had the book been written for everybody, I reasoned, life in the world could not continue to flow on this slowly and this carelessly. On the other hand, it wouldn't do for this rational student of engineering to think the book had been written specifically for
Yet, if it hadn't been addressed to me, and to me alone, how could the world outside possibly go on being just what it was before? I was afraid even to think the book might be a mystery constructed for my sake alone. Later when my mother washed the dishes, I wanted to help her: her touch might restore me back to the present from the world into which I had projected myself.
“Don't bother, dear,” she said, “I'll do them.”
I watched TV for a while. Maybe I could get involved in that world, or else kick in the screen. But this was our TV set, the one we watched, a lamp of sorts, a kind of household deity. I put on my jacket and my street shoes.