The New Male Sexuality (60 page)

Step B:
Exactly the same as Step A, but now you use a lubricant on your hand
.

When you can comfortably masturbate for fifteen minutes using a lubricated hand and only subtle adjustments, go to the next exercise
.

WHAT NEXT?

Readers who have partners willing to do exercises with them to help develop better control should read the section immediately following, and follow the exercises and suggestions that constitute most of the rest of the chapter.

If you don’t have a partner, you can continue to develop your ejaculatory control with the help of erotic videos. The plan is to go through the masturbation exercises again—dry hand with stops, lubricated hand with stops, subtle adjustments while dry and then while lubricated—while watching movies that turn you on. The videos will increase your arousal, thus making control more difficult; this is exactly what we want. Now you get to take more control of when you ejaculate in the face of higher arousal, which is the situation you’ll face with a partner. These exercises have been wonderfully beneficial to a number of my clients. When you start being sexual with a new partner, take your time and realize that your new control won’t be as evident the first few times as it will be after you are more comfortable with her. If it seems required, you can do some of the following partner exercises with her.

If you think you need more help before you meet a new partner, you may want to work with a team consisting of a therapist and a surrogate partner. See
Chapter 23
for a discussion of surrogate partner therapy.

PARTNER EXERCISES

The following guidelines apply to all the remaining exercises in this chapter unless otherwise noted:

1. Both of you should read and discuss each exercise before you do it for the first time.

2. Both of you should agree what words you’ll use to tell her when to stop and start stimulation. Words are necessary because nonverbal signals are easily misunderstood. “Stop,” “hold it,” “start,” and “more” are fine, as is anything else that’s short, clear, and mutually acceptable.

3. Do whatever is necessary for both of you to feel relaxed and comfortable before beginning an exercise. Some couples like to start right in with penile stimulation. Others prefer to begin with hugging, holding, or massage. And in still others, the man sexually stimulates his partner before she returns the favor. There is no rule to fit all couples. Do what is right for the two of you.

4. It’s essential that your partner take her comfort into consideration in deciding what positions to employ. She’s got to last fifteen minutes, too. If she’s stimulating you with her hand, does she want to sit next to you or between your legs? These details can make a big difference.

5. During the exercise, keep focused on your arousal/tension level, not on your partner. This is crucial.

6. Unless stated otherwise, the goal of each exercise is to last for fifteen minutes without ejaculating. You can come after the fifteen minutes are up if you wish, but go slowly, be aware of your arousal/tension and the point of inevitability, and enjoy.

7. When you are using stops, you should feel confident of your control and need no more than two stops during a fifteen-minute period before going on to the next exercise. If you have a lot of problems with that next exercise and it doesn’t get better after a few trials, return to the one before it and practice it until you have further developed your skills.

8. Remember, two or three times a week on average tends to work well for most couples. More is better, provided it’s not an effort to get erections or to get your partner to participate.

EXERCISE 20-3: PARTNER STIMULATION OF PENIS

Step A:
She stimulates your penis with her unlubricated hand in ways that are arousing to you; feel free to give her instructions on how to stroke you. Keep focused on your arousal/tension level and tell her when to stop. When the arousal/tension level has decreased, tell her to resume
.

When you can last for fifteen minutes with no more than two stops and feel confident of your ability to do this again, do Step B
.

Step B:
Exactly the same as Step A, except that your partner now uses lotion, oil, or another lubricant on her hand
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEM

You aren’t stopping in time because you’re focusing on your partner rather than on your arousal/tension. You may be wondering if she is enjoying herself, if she’s getting bored or tired. You need to swing your attention back to where it belongs as quickly as possible. You might also want to talk to your lover about your concerns. Maybe she is bored some of the time. Can it be okay with you that she is willing to cooperate in this endeavor even though it’s not exciting for her? However you work it out, the important thing is that you be able to put your attention on your arousal/tension level
.

Now that you’re comfortable using stops to delay ejaculation, you’re ready for more subtle changes.

EXERCISE 20-4: PARTNER STIMULATION OF PENIS WITH SUBTLE ADJUSTMENTS

Step A:
This is exactly the same as Step A of
Exercise 20-3
, except that this time you’ll use changes in behavior other than stopping to control ejaculation. She stimulates your penis with a dry hand and you delay ejaculation by telling her to slow down the pace or change the kind of stroking. Experiment and find out what works best for you, or show her what you learned from the masturbation exercise involving subtle adjustments
.

Should there be problems with this exercise that don’t resolve themselves after a few sessions, consider spending some time mastering the subtle adjustments by yourself,
Exercise 20-2
.

When you’re confident and comfortable using adjustments other than stopping to delay ejaculation for fifteen minutes, do Step B
.

Step B:
The same as Step A, except that your lover now uses lubricant on her hand
.

Step C (optional):
The same as Step B except that your partner uses her mouth instead of her hand. Do this step only if both of you enjoy oral sex
.

Now you’re almost ready to enjoy being inside her without ejaculating. But first you should do the next exercise. It’s especially helpful for those men who come before insertion in the vagina or immediately thereafter.

EXERCISE 20-5: PENIS NEAR VAGINA

Lie on your back and have your lover sit on your thighs
.

Step A:
After you have an erection, rub it gently for a few seconds on her inner thighs and see how that feels. Take a few seconds’ rest and then do the same in her pubic hair. Take another brief rest. Now rub it gently on the outer lips of her vagina and see what that’s like. Take a pause and then put the head of your penis between her vaginal lips and enjoy that for a moment. And that’s the whole exercise
.

If you felt any anxiety or any urge to ejaculate, take your time and do the exercise again and again until there is no anxiety and no urge to ejaculate. Remember to take some deep, relaxing breaths before starting it and between each step. When you can comfortably do the whole exercise, move on to Step B
.

Step B:
Exactly the same as Step A, except now it’s her hand that guides your penis
.

Starting with the next exercise, your partner’s vagina needs to be lubricated before following my suggestions. Natural and artificial lubrication are both acceptable, but the two of you need to agree on what’s to be done.

Exercise 20-6
will probably strike you as strange. You’re working on developing your ejaculatory control, and here I am telling you to come as quickly as possible in intercourse. I really do want you to do this. The reason is simple. In the exercises that follow, there will be times when you come quickly by accident, and it’s crucial that you and your partner deal with these incidents relatively calmly and harmoniously. By deliberately reenacting the original problem now and handling it in a way that feels
good to both of you, you prepare yourselves to deal with the situation the same way when it happens accidentally.

A word of warning. You and your partner need to read the exercise together carefully before attempting it. Some women feel so hurt and angry by the many quick ejaculations they had to endure in the past that they may not be able to do the exercise or they may need to discharge some angry feelings first. It’s crucial that you listen with all the empathy you can muster to what your partner says. If she can’t do the exercise, skip it. If she can, but first needs to get some feelings off her chest, see if you can just listen to her.

EXERCISE 20-6: COMING QUICKLY IN INTERCOURSE

When the two of you feel like it, engage in as much sex play as you like and proceed to intercourse. Your job is to come as quickly as possible and to make sure the experience ends up a happy one. You should use what you’ve learned about your mind to fight any negative thoughts and pictures, and instead to feel positive about what’s happening. And the two of you should go on to do whatever you want and have a good experience. Some possibilities are you stimulating her to orgasm if she so desires, one or both of you getting a massage, cuddling, and talking. When the experience is over, talk and commit yourselves to handle future quick ejaculations (and I guarantee they will happen) in the same constructive way
.

How many times you can do this exercise depends on how many times you need to, which can be anywhere from once to four or five times. But you shouldn’t go on to
Exercise 20-7
until both of you are confident that you can handle quick ejaculations with no problems
.

Now you’re ready to begin a new relationship with your partner’s vagina, one that allows more satisfaction for both of you.

EXERCISE 20-7: GRADUAL INSERTION INTO VAGINA

The goal is to insert your penis, gradually and in stages, into your partner’s vagina so you can develop greater comfort in being there. She needs to understand that this is not intercourse and that she needs to stay relatively still
.

Using a position that will be comfortable for both of you, one of you should
place your erect penis just at the opening of her vagina. Take a few seconds to get used to having it there. When that feels comfortable, move the penis in a little bit, about an inch. Again, take a few seconds to get used to the feeling. Continue in this fashion until your whole penis is inside of her. Then stay that way for a few minutes and attend to your arousal/tension. See how it feels to have your penis surrounded by her vagina. Be aware of the texture, temperature, and wetness of the vagina. Get used to being there; it’s a nice place
.

If at any time you feel you are losing control, slow down your breathing by taking several slow, deep breaths
.

If you want to ejaculate afterward and it’s okay with her, do so, but move slowly and be aware of what’s happening to you
.

You can proceed to the next exercise when you are comfortable being inside your partner without any urge to ejaculate
.

EXERCISE 20-8: PENIS IN VAGINA WITH NO MOVEMENT

Really a continuation of the previous exercise, this one also requires your partner to be still. The goal is to have your penis in her vagina with little or no movement for fifteen minutes. Either of you can insert your penis. You don’t have to do it in stages, but do go slowly. Once you’re fully inside, just be there. It’s important that your partner feel comfortable with you doing nothing. Of course, it’s fine if the two of you want to talk about what’s going on. With no movement at all, you may find your erection waning. If that happens, you can ask her to contract her pelvic muscles a few times or you can move slightly, just enough to keep you hard
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEM

The first time or two you do the exercise, you get very excited and come. This is not a problem unless it continues to occur. The solution that works best is to return to the previous exercise and spend several sessions without fully entering her. That is, insert only as far as is comfortable and then spend a few moments there. The next time you do it, see if you can insert a little farther, still feeling comfortable. Continue in this way until you’re fully ensconced in her. Then extend the time you can stay in her
.

Now we’re going to extend your ability to be inside of her with movement. The position usually recommended for these exercises is you lying on your back and her sitting on top of you; this allows you to fully relax,
letting the bed support your weight so you don’t have to flex any muscles, and works well for many couples. But others prefer something else. So use any position that works best for you; just remember that it has to be sufficiently comfortable for both of you so that changes in it aren’t necessary during the fifteen minutes.

EXERCISE 20-9: PENIS IN VAGINA WITH MOVEMENT

Step A:
This is similar to the previous exercise, except that now one of you should thrust slowly. Which one moves largely depends on the position you’re using. If she’s on top, she’ll do the moving. If you’re on top, it will be you. Regardless of what position is used and who moves, you have to be in charge of how much movement and when to stop and resume thrusting. Use subtle adjustments or stops to delay ejaculation for fifteen minutes. It’s important your partner
not
start thrusting to satisfy herself. That will come later
.