The New Male Sexuality (70 page)

Exercise 22-4
is designed to help you feel more comfortable about having your partner touch your unerect penis. Many men are horrified at the prospect. They believe it should be hard before she touches it or, at the very least, should get hard as soon as she touches it. After all, that’s the way a real man is. That’s the fantasy. The realities are somewhat different. Being comfortable while your unerect penis is being touched is very important. It allows you to enjoy stimulation that might get you erect. Even if you don’t get hard, it can still feel very good. The more comfortable you are with her touching your soft penis, the better all the following exercises will go.

EXERCISE 22-4: PARTNER PLAYING WITH YOUR SOFT PENIS

After making sure you are both in a comfortable position, let your partner play with your soft penis for ten to fifteen minutes. Try not to get an erection; you want the experience of being touched when soft. If you do get hard, stop for a while until your penis gets soft again, then have your partner resume
.

She can explore, caress, stroke, and just generally play with your penis in any ways she wants. Don’t let her do anything that’s painful or uncomfortable, but, aside from that, keep your hands to yourself and your attention on the sensations produced. Be aware of what it feels like to be touched by her
.

Do this exercise at least two or three times, until you are quite comfortable with her touching you when you’re soft
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEM

You find yourself trying to get an erection or feeling bad because you don’t have one. Given what men are taught, this is natural. Use your mind-power techniques to turn negative thoughts and images into positive ones, and resist the temptation to try to get hard. Talking to your partner about the feelings you’re having can be very helpful. And keep in mind that you have to keep your penis soft to derive benefit from the exercise. Having an erection interferes with this goal
.

EXERCISE 22-5: PARTNER STIMULATION OF PENIS

This time your partner is to touch and stroke your genitals, with a lubricated hand, as you direct her, for ten to fifteen minutes. It’s the same as the regular body rub but focused on genitals. Some men prefer to do some touching and kissing before getting to penile stimulation, while others prefer getting to genital stimulation right away. Do whatever feels right to you and your partner
.

The goal is to get you as turned on as possible. Arousal, not erection, is what we’re interested in. If you get an erection, that’s fine, but no finer than if you don’t. But if you do get one, don’t try to stick it anyplace. Just continue with the exercise
.

Give her feedback and directions, using words that turn you on. As you get excited, pay attention to the feelings and feel free to follow them through your body. A feeling may develop in your penis, and then you may notice differences in the way your chest and stomach feel. Go with these cues of arousal as long as you like. If sexual images or ideas appear, feel free to go with them
.

As usual, deal with negative thoughts and images as per the discussion
this page
.

You can touch your partner
,
but only for your own pleasure
.
You are not to try to turn her on during the exercise. If it would increase your own excitement to touch her breasts while she stimulates your genitals, it’s fine, but touch her breasts only in ways that excite
you
.
If you realize you’re trying to excite her, change the kind of touching you’re doing or stop it altogether
.

If you do get aroused and do focus on your sensations, you will probably get an erection some of the time. You can ejaculate, but only if you really want to
.

Men vary tremendously in how many times they need to do this exercise. It can be anywhere from three to twenty times, depending on how much time it takes to feel comfortable with it, to get good at focusing on sensation and refocusing when the mind wanders, to turn negative thoughts and images into positive ones, and to be able to give directions to get the best possible stimulation
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEMS

You never get an erection in this exercise, or never keep it for long, even after a number of repetitions. Sometimes the problem is obvious. You can’t get your partner to stimulate you the way you like, you can’t focus on sensation, negative thoughts keep intruding, and so on. If one of these causes is manifest, you need to determine how to resolve it Going back and redoing one or more of the earlier exercises may help
.

If you usually get erections in masturbation but not with this exercise, there’s something in the relationship that’s getting in the way. Ask what it would take for you to be able to have an erection with your partner. What issues, attitudes, or behaviors would have to be resolved or changed? See if you can work them out. If not, you may need to seek professional help.

If you respond neither to masturbation nor this exercise, you should definitely see a competent urologist or sex therapist
.

If you’re like many of the men I’ve worked with, you are now convinced that things aren’t as bad as you had imagined. You may, in fact, think that everything is fine and be in a hurry to get to intercourse. I hope you’re willing to resist that temptation for now.

The next exercise, like
Exercise 22-4
, deals with the fear of losing an erection, but it also goes further in demonstrating that lost erections can often be regained, an important lesson for you to learn. Losing an erection is not a catastrophe. If you keep your cool, you can probably regain it. And if not, that’s not a tragedy, either.

EXERCISE 22-6: LOSING AND REGAINING ERECTIONS

Have your partner stimulate your penis with her hand or mouth in ways that you like. Your goal, as always, is to attend to the sensations and get as aroused as possible. When you have an erection, enjoy it for a moment, then tell her to stop and allow your erection to go down. You can do anything you want to accomplish this—have a talk, give her a back rub or a sexual massage, or whatever. Take as much time as you need for your penis to get soft. Then have her resume stimulation. When it gets hard again, repeat the procedure given above. Two or three repetitions of the whole procedure—stimulation, erection, stop stimulation, erection fades, resume stimulation—constitute one session
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You will not always regain your erection and you will not always get one to begin with. When either of these things happens, let her know (“I guess it’s not going
to get hard today. I’d like you to stop”). Then talk with her about what the two of you want to do that would be enjoyable. Maybe she’d like you to sexually stimulate her. Maybe one of you wants a back rub. Whatever it is, do it
.

It’s crucial that you master this step. You can be sure your penis will not always respond the way you want. You need to feel comfortable letting your partner know that and talking with her about how to have a good time without an erection
.

Do this exercise at least four times, until you are confident that your erection will usually return with proper stimulation and that when it doesn’t, you can still have a good time
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEMS

1. You never get an erection. This usually means you haven’t yet mastered the previous exercises. Go back to the ones you skipped and do them
.

2. Your erection doesn’t go down in a reasonable length of time. This isn’t a bad problem to have, but it does increase the amount of time it takes to do the exercise. Check to see if what you’re doing while waiting for it to get soft is arousing. If it is, do something else. Getting up and walking around the room or the house will usually do the trick
.

3. Your erection, once lost, doesn’t return in a reasonable length of time. The problem often lies in anxiety about getting it back. In other words, you’re forgetting some of the lessons you’ve learned in this chapter. You might want to reread it and mentally mark the important passages. Try to remember that you don’t have to do anything to make your penis hard. It will take care of that itself as long as you focus on sensations or arousing thoughts or images and build arousal. It might also help to talk to your partner about any concerns you have about regaining the erection
.

The exercises that follow require some kind of erection, so care must be taken not to create anxiety or pressure to perform. You can use spontaneous erections or those that occur in loveplay. Say you want to do an exercise and you ask your partner to stimulate you in ways you like. If you get a good erection (meaning one you feel good about, even though it’s not 100 percent hard), feel free to go on to the exercise. If you don’t get an erection in what seems a reasonable length of time, or if the erection you do get doesn’t seem stable, don’t try to force it. Do something enjoyable with your partner, sexual or not, and let it be.

These exercises also require that your partner’s vagina be well lubricated. Talk with her about whether an artificial lubricant such as K-Y jelly or Astroglide would be helpful.

EXERCISE 22-7: GRADUAL INSERTION INTO VAGINA

Using a position that is comfortable for both of you, you are to gradually insert your penis, in stages, into her vagina. First place your erect penis just at the opening of her vagina. Take a few seconds to get used to having it there. When that feels comfortable, move it in a little bit, about an inch. Again, take a few seconds to get used to the feeling. Continue in this fashion until your whole penis is inside of her. Then stay that way for a few minutes and focus on the sensations in your penis. See how it feels to have your penis surrounded by her vagina. Be aware of the texture, temperature, and wetness of the vagina. Get used to being there; it’s a nice place
.

If at any time you feel your erection start to go down, stay focused and see if you can enjoy the sensations of your erection going down
.

If you want to ejaculate after a few moments and it’s okay with her, do so, but move slowly and be aware of what’s happening to you
.

You can proceed to the next exercise when you are comfortable being inside of your partner and can keep your erection for a minute or so without movement
.

Now we’re going to extend your ability to be inside her with movement. The position usually recommended for these exercises is you lying on your back and her sitting on top of you; this allows you to fully relax, letting the bed support your weight so you don’t have to flex any muscles, and works well for many couples. But others prefer something else. So use any position that works best for you; just remember that it has to be sufficiently comfortable for both of you so that changes in it aren’t necessary for five to ten minutes.

EXERCISE 22-8: PENIS IN VAGINA WITH MOVEMENT

Step A:
This is similar to the previous exercise, except that now one of you thrusts slowly for ten to fifteen minutes. Which one moves largely depends on the position you’re using. If she’s on top, she’ll do the moving. If you’re on top, it will be you. Regardless of what position is used and who moves, you have to be in charge of how much movement and when to stop and resume thrusting. Your job is to focus on sensations and get as aroused as possible. It’s important that your partner
not
start thrusting to satisfy herself. That will come later
.

Start with a very slow pace. Make sure you’re comfortable with it before increasing
movement. Then go a little faster. When that feels fine, no anxiety or negative thoughts, increase the pace again
.

Continue with this step until the active one is moving at a pretty good pace but not all out, say about 80 percent of abandoned movement. This will probably
not
be achieved in one fifteen-minute session. Use as many sessions as you need. Then do Step B
.

Step B:
The same as Step A, with the other one moving. This may well require a different position
.

Step C:
The same as the two previous steps, except both of you move. Start with very slow movements and only increase the pace as you feel comfortable. Use as many sessions as required until you are both moving as fast as you desire
.

P
OSSIBLE
P
ROBLEM WITH
A
NY OF THE
S
TEPS

You lose your erection during intercourse. This happens occasionally to most men, but there are some things to try if you feel it’s really a problem. Make sure you are relaxed; if you’re not, take some deep breaths and have some positive thoughts and images. If your penis is still in her vagina, you can leave it there and try to get the stimulation you want; moving in certain ways or having your partner squeeze her pelvic muscles may do the trick. Or you can take your penis out and get the kind of stimulation you want, resuming intercourse when you are hard
.

If you find that you usually lose your erection at a particular point—say, when your partner is thrusting very quickly—here’s something you can do. When you are alone, take a few moments to get relaxed and imagine her moving slowly in intercourse. Continue to relax and imagine her moving a tad faster. Continue in this fashion, relaxing and then imagining her moving at increasingly faster speeds, until you can calmly imagine her moving at full speed. Then do the same thing for real with your partner. Relax and have her move slowly in intercourse. Check to see that you’re still relaxed and, if so, have her increase the pace. If at some point you find you are getting tense, get her to slow down immediately to a speed you’re comfortable with. Then, in very small steps, have her increase the pace. Always back away from speeds that make you tense and go back to those you are comfortable with. Done consistently, this procedure will allow you to tolerate and enjoy more and more movement
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