The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass (20 page)
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Authors: Bill Maher
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #Political, #General, #Topic, #Political Science, #Essays
BOOK: The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
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He would have wanted a John Lennon action figure?
I think I know what John Lennon would have wanted: a divorce, and Lucy Liu.
New Rule:
Since our new national position on science is “Screw it; we prefer witchcraft,” let’s not just retire the Space Shuttle
Atlantis,
let’s drive it to one of the five stupidest states and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space, and notice we revolve around the sun.
OTTOMAN UMPIRESince our new national position on science is “Screw it; we prefer witchcraft,” let’s not just retire the Space Shuttle
Atlantis,
let’s drive it to one of the five stupidest states and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space, and notice we revolve around the sun.
New Rule:
Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he’s supposed to pee, there’s a couch.
Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he’s supposed to pee, there’s a couch.
YES, WE CANNEDNew Rule:
Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems like a smart thing to do in a recession, but Van Jones got fired because he got caught on tape saying Republicans are assholes. And they call it news!Now, I know I’m supposed to be all reinjected with yes-we-can fever after the big health-care speech, and it was a great speech—when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here’s the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.It bothers me that Obama didn’t say a word in defense of Jones and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped “end-of-life counseling” from health-care reform because Sarah Palin said it meant “death panels” on her Facebook page. Crazy morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.Same thing with the speech to schools this week, where the president attempted to merely tell children to work hard and wash their hands, and Cracker Nation reacted as if he was trying to hire the Black Panthers to hand out grenades in homeroom. Of course, the White House immediately capitulated. “No students will be forced to view the speech,” a White House spokesperson assured a panicked nation. Isn’t that like admitting that the president might be doing something unseemly? What a bunch of cowards. If the White House had any balls, they’d say, “He’s giving a speech on the importance of staying in school, and if you jackasses don’t show it to every damn kid, we’re cutting off your federal education funding tomorrow.”The Democrats just never learn: Americans don’t really care which side of an issue you’re on as long as you
don’t act like pussies.
When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a
compliment.
He was talking about how they can get things done even when they’re in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can’t seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.I love Obama’s civility, his desire to work with his enemies; it’s positively Christlike. In college, he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks. But we don’t need that guy now. We need an asshole.Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That’s why they voted for the old guy and Carrie’s mom. You’re not going to win them over. Stand up for the seventy percent of Americans who aren’t crazy.And speaking of that seventy percent, when are we going to actually show up in all this? Tomorrow Glenn Beck’s army of zombie retirees is descending on Washington. It’s the Million Moron March, although they won’t get a million, of course, because many will be confused and drive to Washington state—but they will make news. Because people who take to the streets always do. They’re at the town hall screaming at the congressman; we’re on the couch screaming at the TV. Especially in this age of Twitters and blogs and Snuggies, it’s a statement to just leave the house. But leave the house we must, because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious health-care reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.—September 11, 2009
New Rule:
There’s only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming
Religulous
the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!
PANTS, PANTS REVOLUTIONThere’s only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming
Religulous
the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!
New Rule:
Just because I’m in my underwear doesn’t mean I’m “parading around.” Why is it women always accuse men in their boxers of “parading around in their underwear”? There is no parade. I just happen to be not wearing pants. And if that bothers you so much, maybe you should get off and wait for the next elevator.
PAP SNEERJust because I’m in my underwear doesn’t mean I’m “parading around.” Why is it women always accuse men in their boxers of “parading around in their underwear”? There is no parade. I just happen to be not wearing pants. And if that bothers you so much, maybe you should get off and wait for the next elevator.
New Rule:
After all the hype for
Toy Story 3
, it must give me an actual Buzz and an actual Woody.
PAPAL TIGERAfter all the hype for
Toy Story 3
, it must give me an actual Buzz and an actual Woody.
New Rule:
Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, “Don’t be hatin’ on my cape, bitch.” Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they’ve been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years—almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace . . . Those aren’t just symbols of the Papacy, they
are
the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, “What the hell were we thinking?”
PARISH IS BURNINGLet the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, “Don’t be hatin’ on my cape, bitch.” Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they’ve been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years—almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace . . . Those aren’t just symbols of the Papacy, they
are
the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, “What the hell were we thinking?”
New Rule:
If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that’s one of those “services” that goes along with “paying in.” I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
PARISH THE THOUGHTIf churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that’s one of those “services” that goes along with “paying in.” I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
New Rule:
Stop giving churches names like Ecclesia. Ecclesia doesn’t sound like a church, it sounds like a tranquilizer for mental cases. On second thought,
all
churches should be named Ecclesia.
PARTICLE BOREDStop giving churches names like Ecclesia. Ecclesia doesn’t sound like a church, it sounds like a tranquilizer for mental cases. On second thought,
all
churches should be named Ecclesia.
New Rule:
Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should
not
do that. I’m just sayin’ it sounds dangerous. I’m as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter, but first couldn’t we solve some simpler mystery, like why smoke-detector batteries always die at four a.m.?
PATIENCE ZEROInstead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should
not
do that. I’m just sayin’ it sounds dangerous. I’m as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter, but first couldn’t we solve some simpler mystery, like why smoke-detector batteries always die at four a.m.?
New Rule:
You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes—what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That’s the ATM saying, “Stop it, you’re hurting me.” A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly.
PATIENT ZEROESYou can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes—what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That’s the ATM saying, “Stop it, you’re hurting me.” A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly.
New Rule:
You don’t need to tell me when any of the following people check into a hospital—I’ll just go ahead and assume maybe they’re already there: David Hasselhoff, Kiefer Sutherland, Nick Nolte, Whitney Houston, Margot Kidder, the Kennedys, Tom Sizemore, Charlie Sheen, whoever’s dating Charlie Sheen, and that guy from the
Jackass
movies who went swimming with sharks with shark bait on his dick.
PDA-HOLESYou don’t need to tell me when any of the following people check into a hospital—I’ll just go ahead and assume maybe they’re already there: David Hasselhoff, Kiefer Sutherland, Nick Nolte, Whitney Houston, Margot Kidder, the Kennedys, Tom Sizemore, Charlie Sheen, whoever’s dating Charlie Sheen, and that guy from the
Jackass
movies who went swimming with sharks with shark bait on his dick.
New Rule:
Couples who make out in public must bring a bucket along for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by the food.
PEANUTS ENVYCouples who make out in public must bring a bucket along for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by the food.
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