The New World: A Novel (16 page)

Light of my life, my darling
I love you, I love you

If she had stayed at the table, those lyrics might have become Jim’s vows, since, sentimental as the words were, they said just what he felt. These waiters might have been his groomsmen in their matching black suits. Even now, their accompaniment was the only thing that kept Jim singing instead of lapsing into barking sobs.

I can forget you never
From you I ne’er can sever
Oh, say you’ll be mine forever

It was plain, after she had gone, that she had not disappeared in a fit of unbearable happiness. “Everything will be very good still,” the hostess kept telling Jim, though his barbershop companions all looked like they’d just seen a murder, and the other patrons had already turned away to try to look like they weren’t talking about him. Without him asking, the staff packed up their dinner to go, adding gifts of food, enough for a feast. He had ten pounds on each arm when he walked out. They’d even wrapped up the mukhwas he’d asked that he and his fiancée be showered with, like wedding rice, as they left. The boys had been supposed to sing them out.

Everything is going to be fine
, he kept telling himself as he trudged along to Jane’s apartment. “Everything is going to be very good still.” He said it in the Indian hostess’s voice because he was afraid he’d be a fool to say it in his own, but after only a few repetitions he started to almost believe it. There was a version of this story, he knew, where he ran now too, and before they could marry, they divorced over his hurt feelings. And there was another version in which Jane simply never calmed down, in which she kept asking for one more week alone until it was twenty years later and they were both married to other people. But he knew that they wouldn’t choose either of those versions. Jane had only given them something to try hard at, a place to practice at the extraordinary work of being together. Running away wasn’t a
No
. It was just as close to
Yes
as she could get right now. Jim was smiling, shocked and pleased at what he had just made himself understand, when the cab ran him over.

Much later, he liked to tell himself he got a look at their future during the accident, that the absolute certainty of
that cab is going to hit me
became, while he was up in the air, surrounded by levitating pools of curry and dal, became
Wow, you can see everything from up here!
and then a glimpse of something else. Of course, the accident had wiped out anything he might have been actually thinking or knowing or seeing right then, but real or not real, that floating moment stayed with him for the rest of his life, a nostalgic presentiment. So later, at their second wedding, the one he was awake for, in the great actual
now
of the kiss Jim thought he could see his own dumb face, heartbroken and hopeful and amazed, staring slack-jawed at them from the past.

Hang in there
, he told his gaping, tumbling face.
Everything will be different, but nothing will change.
That’s the part that you already have
,
get it
?
The thing that doesn’t change.
He could feel the nonimaginary people watching as well. He felt their jealous disdain as his own good fortune. He didn’t mind it at all, or care that he and Jane might be holding the kiss too long.
All together now, boys!
he called out, and they replied in a chorus, every Jim he’d been and every Jim he’d ever be,
Always together, never apart. Everything will be different, but nothing will change.

He knew it wouldn’t end, this affirming and reaffirming. Twice every year he’d do it, at the anniversary of each of his weddings, staring into a mirror and asking the nearest Jim to pass it back.
Tell them all not to worry. Everything is indeed different, but indeed nothing has changed.
Then some years he forgot. And some years he wasn’t even sure if it was true anymore, so those sad hopeful fuckers in the mirror got long speeches, accusations and rebuttals instead of recited vows. And then, eventually, at last, he would say:
All’s well, more or less. I love her. I don’t still love her. I just love her.
Same as always, my dudes.

“What are you doing in there?” Jane called out.

“Nothing!” he said. “Brushing my teeth!”

“Are you coming to bed?”

“Right now!” He gave his teeth a few swipes, and rinsed his mouth. He fixed his hair and smoothed his mustache. Peering closer at his face, he noticed how unevenly the hairs fell across his lip, so he clipped them with scissors. All this, though she had already made it dark in the bedroom.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

“Yes, coming!” But he did a few quick, quiet push-ups, to plump up his biceps, because she always noticed, even in the dark, when they were a little bigger than usual.

“There you are,” she said, when he came to bed. “I’m so sleepy.”

“What time is your flight?”

“Evening,” she said. “But I’m taking an afternoon case for Maureen, so I’ll have to leave right from the hospital. Are you working?”

“No,” he said. “But I’ll come up and say goodbye.”

“Oh, don’t,” she said. “Let’s do it now. Bye bye!” She kissed him and laid her head on his chest. He could hear her softly spitting out mustache fragments. He ought to have washed his face after trimming.

“Happy almost-anniversary,” he said.

“Oh, tomorrow is the eighteenth,” she said. “But that one doesn’t count. I was crazy. You were asleep.”

“Of course it counts,” he said. “What did you think I would have said, if I was awake?”

“You could have said anything.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have woken up at all, if you hadn’t done it.”

“Let’s not even talk about that. Let’s talk about the other wedding.” Jane ran the numbers in her head, afraid suddenly that she’d still be in Paris on the anniversary of the church service, which had followed that of the
icu
service by ten days and a year.

“Sure.”

“What should we do? Do you want me to make a dinner reservation?”

“I’ll do it,” he said.

“You’ll forget. You always do.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never forget.”

She put her head back on his chest. “I’m sorry I married you while you were sleeping,” she said.

“I’m so glad you did.”

“Me, too,” she said.

“Glad and sorry?” he said.

“Yes,” she said, meaning that it was a nice, durable sort of glad, but she didn’t have to explain that to him. She kissed him again. “Should we?” She shouldn’t even have asked, she knew. She ought to have just taken off her nightshirt, as if it were making her uncomfortable all of a sudden, and then snuggled back up to him.

“Do you want to?”

“Yes,” she said. “But I’m so tired. What if we make out a little?”

“Instead?”

“No. Maybe. Let’s see what happens.”

“If you fall asleep while I’m kissing you, it will hurt my feelings.”

“Well, I won’t do
that
.”

“All right, then.”

“All right.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Good night!
Jane kept thinking as they kissed in the dark, and, when it seemed certain that they had kissed their way past midnight,
Happy anniversary!
And though she didn’t fall asleep, her mind wandered in that way it had when she was really exhausted, and a few times she felt like she was falling and startled against him, but she was always careful to shudder, in real pleasure, right away, so Jim wouldn’t know she was wandering the twilight borderland of dreamtime, tethered by his tongue to the waking world. In just another moment she’d either be fast asleep or straddling him.

Everything will be different
, she heard.
And nothing will change
.
How nice that we can still do this
. She meant the slow drag of tongue over tongue. Neither of them had developed mouth cancer. Or lost their teeth. Neither of them really tasted any different than they ever did before. And, not to compare, but she compared.
Don’t look back,
she told herself,
just be here right now
. But she looked back, and she knew that, with no effort at all, she could slip into a dream of their marriage, a kiss without end, all their kisses in one. Hadn’t there been that commercial, once upon a time, in which a bride and groom kissed so long the guests all wandered off and the janitor had to clean around them when he closed up the church? Surely, she had always thought, they would have proceeded to fucking by then. She thought the commercial was for gum. Though maybe it was for a watch.

Who are all you people, anyway?
she wanted to ask the crowd, but it would have meant stopping the kiss. What did they come to see? Were they still looking? Were some of them reading the program?
Always together, never apart
.
I won’t ever run away.
Maureen had tried to talk Jane into giving the wedding a title like
Eternity
or
Quintessence
, but Jane thought that was ridiculous, and Millicent, when she heard about that, said they should call it
The Mill on the Floss
or
Behind the Green Door
. But Jane had allowed Maureen to print up the vows, within a filigreed border, on the program, which listed the hymns and poems they’d all spent the last hour singing and speaking together.

How many vows did they need, to make his work? As many as it took to bind posterity to their love as they felt it right now.
Jesus
, Jim said.
It’s like trying to write a constitution
. Eighteen was ridiculous, but that was just brainstorming. Nine was still too many—they had to put some faith in the future. Could three be enough?
Probably
, said Jane.
But let’s not count them
. Because it was really just one thing they were promising, which was to stay, stay, stay.
I want to be together with you always, so I’ll never stay apart from you for long. Though everything will be different, I promise you nothing will change.
Every moment of this life, I’ll love you. Even beyond death, I’ll love you.

So very nice
, said Maureen, of the whole set of promises, once they were printed up and ready for Jim and Jane to share with a world of strangers, with a church full of people who didn’t matter.
So difficult
, said her mother, shaking her head, but admiringly, Jane thought.
Big promises
, said Millicent.
Did we get it right
? asked Jim, and then he said,
I think we got it right
. They kissed and they kissed and they kissed.
What time is it?
Jane asked.
Am I awake? Are the people still watching?
Somebody was chanting, after all, not very distinctly, but she understood the words:
Always together, never apart. I’ll never stay apart from this moment for long. I promise you everything, but everything will change. I’ll love you every moment of this life, but everything will change, even beyond death, and nothing will be different, never apart, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change
, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change
, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change
, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change
, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, even beyond death, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change, never apart, and everything will be different, always together, and nothing will be different, even beyond death, and everything will change, every moment of this life, and nothing will change
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