The Nice Girl Syndrome (29 page)

Remedy #3: Create a Positive and Powerful Statement about Conflict

Once again, follow the instructions in chapter 4 to create your pos- itive and powerful statement.

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Remedy #4: Stop Thinking That if You Love Someone You Need to Agree with Him or Her

Many people react to conflict by thinking, “If only you loved me, you’d agree with me.” You may have experienced this attitude with your past or present partner. But we can’t simply wish conflict away. This kind of immature and wishful thinking tends to escalate con- flicts instead of resolving them. It also denies another person’s right to differ from you, essentially sending the message, “If you really love me, you have to think, feel, and be exactly like me.” It places all responsibility for resolving disagreements—and all power to change—in the hands of the other person.

Start by recognizing that conflict is essential to each person’s growth and that each relationship inevitably involves a clash of needs, opinions, and feelings. Conflict creates energy, or creative tension, which encourages relationships to grow and evolve. When a relationship is disrupted by conflicting needs or events, when it is filled with creative tension, it pushes each person to “figure it out.” Creative tension prods seemingly opposite or out of sync people to dance together until they learn from each other and become harmonious.

Remedy #5: Begin to Believe That Not All Differences Are Irreconcilable

The next step is to recognize that, contrary to what you may have learned growing up, not all differences are irreconcilable and not all conflicts are unsolvable. Most conflicts can be resolved amicably if both people are willing to communicate and work toward that end. If you keep these things in mind, you won’t be afraid to disagree with your partner or family member.

Of course, resolving conflicts also requires that both parties or family members commit to working out problems instead of falling back on old standbys such as taking sides in an argument, gossiping and backbiting, name-calling, storming off in anger, or silently seething in anger and refusing to talk to each other. If you are a positive role model for more constructive problem solv- ing, you will have a positive impact on your relationship or your family.

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Remedy #6: Let Go of Your Either/Or, Black-and-White Thinking.

If you stubbornly try to force another person to change, or to prove that you are right and he or she is wrong, reconciliation becomes impossible. But if you approach conflict with the goal of coming together, resolution is not only possible but probable. This will require that you let go of the kind of black-and-white thinking that insists there is only one answer or one way of looking at things. It is important to recognize that there are lots of gray areas—seldom is one point of view completely true and another completely false. Both parties can have valid points of view—there doesn’t have to be a winner.

Remedy #7: Learn “Fair Fighting” Techniques

The more vulnerable we feel and the more dependent we are on someone, the more power they have to hurt us and, in turn, to anger us. Given the fact that anger is inevitable in relationships, it is vital that we learn the best ways to air our differences. In fact, the long- term success of any relationship depends greatly on the couple’s dis- covering appropriate avenues for expressing and dealing with each other’s anger.

Having the ability to freely express anger with each other is a sign of a solid, healthy relationship. Relationships in which one or both partners are unable to acknowledge their own anger or listen to the anger of the other partner tend to be fragile and stilted as opposed to strong and spontaneous. Neither partner may have the confidence that the relationship can withstand the expression of anger.

Instead of fearing anger, set ground rules that both you and the other person can live with. This will help you to begin on equal foot- ing psychologically. You can create your own ground rules, but I suggest they include the following basic assumptions:

1. We will take turns hearing each other out.
   

2. We will respect each other’s position.
   

3. We understand that each person has a right to his or her own opinion, feelings, and position.
   

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4. We will do our best to find a solution to our problem and the source of our anger.
   

5. We both agree that there will be no blaming, personal attacks, low blows, or intimidation.
   

6. There will be no manipulation, diversionary ploys, or exploita- tive tactics.
   

   Make a point of talking to the person you are upset with as soon as possible. The less time that elapses, the more productive your conversation will be. Conversely, the longer the time between your being hurt and your expressing it to the other person, the more problematic the conflict becomes.
   

   That being said, give yourself time to cool off before confronting your partner. Schedule a time when both of you will be free to talk without being distracted or interrupted.
   

   Sometimes we just need to hash things out with each other. Each person needs to have an opportunity to voice his or her feelings and to know that his or her partner has really heard his or her point of view. The following are instructions for having a fair fight, one that does not escalate into emotional abuse or physical violence:
   

   1. Make sure you will not be interrupted (turn off the phone and the TV, wait until the kids are asleep), allowing your- selves at least half an hour of undivided attention.
      

   2. Don’t have a fight if either of you has been drinking or tak- ing drugs.
      

   3. Know what it is you are fighting about and stick to one issue at a time.
      

   4. Clearly describe the problem behavior. Do not attack the other person.
      

   5. Describe how the problem affects you or your feelings.
      

   6. Do not bring up past problems; stay in the present.
      

   7. Don’t tell the other person how he or she thinks or feels or should think or feel.
      

   8. Don’t threaten or bribe.
      

   9. Ask for feedback.
      

   10. Don’t bring in third parties.
       

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   11. Do not resort to name-calling, insults, or other forms of ver- bal abuse.
       

   12. Humor is okay, but don’t ridicule the other person.
       

   13. Don’t destroy things, especially things that are meaningful to the other person.
       

   14. There is never an excuse for hitting, slapping, or any other form of physical abuse.
       

   15. Take a time-out if tension is mounting.
       

   16. Balance the negative with something positive. Say positive things about the problem or the other person.
       

   17. Try to settle things, at least temporarily, in thirty minutes.
       

   18. Work out a flexible solution or compromise.
       

   19. Realize that the decision is not permanent. You can renego- tiate.
       

   20. Commit to following through.
       

   21. Actively work toward a solution.
       

   22. Seek counseling if you’re unable to resolve the conflict.
       

Remedy #8: Learn Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent communication (or NVC) is a technique that uses lan- guage and communication skills to guide us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Created by Marshall B. Rosen- berg, PhD, the founder and director of educational services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, NVC teaches us to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying attention to others in a respectful and empathetic way. This leads us to hearing our own deeper needs as well as those of others.

Participants learn to identify and clearly articulate what they concretely want in a given situation. The form is a simple yet pow- erful one. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are min- imized. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy.

There are four components to the NVC model:

1. Observation.
   We observe the concrete actions of others that are affecting our well-being.
   

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2. Feeling.
   We state how we feel when we observe this action: we are hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated. The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what it is that people are doing, which we either like or don’t like.
   

3. Needs.
   We say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified.
   

4. Specific request.
   We communicate the concrete actions we desire so as to enrich our lives.
   

As you can see, this formula takes you deeper than merely com- municating assertively. It fosters compassion between people and helps resolve conflicts in a positive way.

The use of NVC does not require that the people with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If you stay with the principles, motivated solely to give and receive compassionately, and do everything you can to let others know this is your only motive, they will join you in the process and eventually you will be able to respond compassion- ately to one another. This may not happen quickly, but compassion inevitably blossoms.

There is much more to NVC than I have briefly outlined here. Rosenberg has written a book titled
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
, and NVC courses are offered internationally. For more information go to www.cnvc.org.

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Start Facing the Truth about People

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.

—W
ILLIAM
B
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False belief:
There is good in everyone, and if you give someone enough chances, he or she will eventually show you his or her good side.

Empowering belief:
It is more important to take care of my emotional and physical well-being than it is to give some- one a second chance.

This chapter is especially beneficial for Innocents, Martyrs, Enlightened Ones

O

ften, women give second and third chances for the same reason they insist on being fair—because girls and women are expected to be patient and compassionate. Others give second

chances because they were not given a second chance themselves. The concept of giving someone a second chance is a good one.

After all, we all make mistakes. Unfortunately, sometimes giving someone a second chance means we are giving the person another opportunity to hurt us, betray us, or take advantage of us. Those with abusive personalities actually view a second chance as a sign

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that you are a pushover and will not stand up for yourself in the future. For this kind of person, a second chance is an open invitation to do it again.

When One More Chance Is One Too Many

Women, especially those who have been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused, give people too many chances. While the healthy response to abusive behavior is to feel self-protective, even to the point of deciding to stay away from the person, women who have been victimized tend to make excuses for the abusive person’s behav- ior and convince themselves that either the abuse was their own fault, or the person was just stressed out and will never do it again. In this chapter, I will encourage you to stop making excuses for men and women who behave badly. This includes people who are abusive, those who treat you with disrespect, partners who are unable to make a commitment, and partners who cheat on you. By making excuses for and tolerating these behaviors, women are giv-

ing others permission to continue to use and abuse them.

As difficult as it is to recognize, there are people who have no conscience, who may use a woman’s natural tendency to be compas- sionate against her or who will work at getting a woman to pity them as a way of taking further advantage of her. Although pity and sym- pathy are forces for good when they are reactions to deserving peo- ple who have made a mistake, when these feelings are wrestled out of us by the undeserving, by people whose behavior is consistently abusive or antisocial, we are being manipulated. The most powerful example is the battered wife whose abusive husband beats her rou- tinely and then sits at the kitchen table, head in his hands, moaning that he cannot control himself and begging for forgiveness.

In addition to confronting the false belief that everyone has good in them that we can pull out if we are patient enough, in this chap- ter I will expose similar forms of erroneous thinking, such as “You can affect other people’s behavior by behaving in certain ways your- self” and “If you treat other people the way you’d like to be treated, they’ll eventually catch on.”

Carol had been married to her husband Cliff for ten years. During that time, he gambled most of her money away and cheated on her several times. He always promised he would stop gambling,

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but, of course, he didn’t. He promised he would stop cheating, but she knew he hadn’t. Then one day, Cliff told Carol that he had fallen in love with a woman at work and was leaving Carol to be with her. Carol was devastated. She cried for over a month, barely making it to work every day.