The Night House (15 page)

After a deep breath to steady myself, I touch her arm. She flinches.

“Bianca. It’s okay.”

Bianca

His sincerity is only making me feel worse. Now I’m making him comfort me after I screwed up his whole night. Still, his hand on my shoulder grounds me. I just don’t want to see his face.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he says and takes his hand back. “I slept through most of it. How’s your neck?”

My pulse jumps and my stomach turns. “You felt that?”

“Well, it sort of shuts off when I’m asleep, but…”

A chill goes through my legs. “God. This was a bad idea. You’re going to feel it every time. Every single night, James—I do this every single night of my life. You can’t handle that.”

James’s eyes go wide. I’m shaking. He puts his arm around my back, but I know I’m losing control.

“If you can handle it, so can I.”

“You haven’t been doing this for years,” I say. “Please, I don’t want to hurt you.”

James

“You can’t hurt me, Bianca.” I smile. “Not unless you actually punch me or something. That’s the thing. I feel what you feel, but I know it’s not real, and that does for me what I think the drugs do for you.”

Her eyes go wide. “You feel that too?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“James, I can’t stop doing this. It’s not a drug that I buy on the streets. It’s the clients. They’re like snakes, you know? They have venom. They can’t just turn it off. And it hurts too bad without it. It even helps heal you.”

I hear her making excuses. She thinks she needs the nauth, and she wants me to understand. It’s so hard to hear her speak like that. I want to shout,
No one needs drugs!
But that would get us nowhere. I can’t scare her away again, even if I just want to force her to detox.

Against my instincts, I say, “I know, Bianca. I’m not asking you to go cold turkey and just walk away. No one could do that.”

“Then what are we doing?” she asks, relief flooding us both.

“Right now? I want to show you something.”

Bianca

“So you draw?”

We walk through the park, and I glance at him. “More like doodling.”

He beams at me, like he has already forgotten about our prior conversation. “I live in a house of artists. I’m surrounded by it all the time. And I’m sure it’s more than doodling. Anyone who has a sketchbook isn’t just doodling.”

“Multiple sketchbooks,” I add quietly. Am I actually fishing for a compliment?

His smile broadens to a grin. “I’d love to see your work sometime. If you don’t mind.”

We stop at the curb, and he attempts to hail a cab. I only seriously started drawing when I came to the Night House. It was the first place I had time to myself.

A cab splashed in mud pulls up, and we climb into the back of it. James makes sure there is a lot of space between us and tells the cabbie to drive to the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

“Have you been there?” he asks me with a smile.

I watch the buildings streak by the window. “Not in a long time.”

“Perfect.”

It’s not a long drive down, and soon enough we’re back outside, climbing the stairs into the massive building. We both stop before getting lost in the tangles of people.

“Why are we here?”

He stares up at the stone columns. “This was the first place my stepsister Ally and I went together on our own. It made me feel like we really were brother and sister. Ally loves this museum, and she wanted me to be a part of that. It was her way of proving she cared about me.”

I see uneasiness in his gaze.

“I also haven’t been here in a long time.” He shoves his hands into his pockets. His smile doesn’t reach those deep blue eyes. “Crowds don’t really appeal to me.”

I can see it. The way he holds himself has changed. His arms are close to his body, his shoulders high. “Like claustrophobia?”

“If I focus on you, it won’t be so bad.” This time, the smile is real. He holds his arm out to me. My mind flashes back to Jeremiah. It’s the same old-timey gesture that he would use. But with James, it’s not scary. I have a choice. He says, “But I need your permission.”

A feeling of pride comes over me as I take James’s arm. This place is huge, just like I remember. James seems to know where he’s headed. He had two tickets already, and he steers me toward an exhibit. It’s about cities and art. Lots of drawings of huge, tall buildings. I like this room, so I sit down on a bench and James slides in next to me.

“You like it?”

I lower my voice. “Can you…feel that too?”

He shrugs. “I feel your emotions, not your inner monologue. What are you thinking?”

I point to a smaller black-and-white drawing. “I’ve done stuff like this. I like architecture. It’s clean and simple.”

“Really?” There’s a spark of curiosity in his eyes that brightens his entire face. For a moment, I see him as a drawing in my sketchbook. The hills of his cheeks and nose, the shape of his lips, the strands of hair covering his forehead. His almost-handsomeness is beginning to blur into attractiveness. A smile slowly moves his lips. I’ve been staring too long.

“Sorry,” I mumble.

He laughs a little. “This is new for me too. Feel free to stare at me for as long as you like.”

I smack his arm and hurry out of the room, trying to hide my smile.

“Wait,” he calls, laughing.

When he catches up to me, we find ourselves at an intersection of exhibits. James studies our options and absently takes my arm again. I have to stare at him for a moment. His eyes are still bright with laughter, and his mouth is set in a smile. I can do that. I can make him smile.

Why didn’t I have James four years ago, when I needed someone like him? Someone so reliable, it hurts to be around them.

James

We stay inside for an hour, wandering slowly through the halls. She feels at ease here, which helps me feel a little safer. She’s drawn to the black-and-white stuff, but also the abstract, more modern pieces.

“I wish I could do this,” she says at one point. “Everything I draw is so boxy and boring.”

“Those are the last words I would use to describe you.”

I think she’s fighting off a smile. I wish she’d just let herself go. It’s like she’s locked away part of herself, and the world isn’t allowed to see it.

It’s when we’re in line for the temporary exhibit when the crowd begins to take its toll. My body isn’t moving, and I no longer have anything to focus on.

All the people around us send me teasers of their minds. I’m sinking into the ocean. The pressure is slowly building. Their emotions press into me from all sides. I start to sweat. I remember a panic attack from a few months back. We’d gone out to some restaurant for Ally’s birthday on a Friday night. The walk to our table was enough to send me spiraling. I’m pretty sure that by the end of the night everyone in the restaurant thought I was agoraphobic. My parents certainly did.

But now, I have Bianca. I pull her closer, trying to burrow into her thoughts so I can shut everyone else out. She is more than enough for me. Even with all the darkness inside her, deep down there is a part of her that is having a good time.

“You okay?” she asks. “You’re squeezing my arm.”

“Oh, sorry. There’s just a lot of people here. There’s a guy behind us who’s just super angry that he has to wait.”

She frowns. “Do you want to leave?”

“I want you to have a good time.”

Her eyebrows rise. “And I’m not going to put you through this. I had a good time. Let’s call it a day before it goes wrong, okay?”

I take a deep breath, and with it comes twenty-five other people’s lungs. “Yeah, okay.”

She leads me to the exit, hand clamped tightly around my bicep. She seems taller when she’s in charge, unapologetically maneuvering through everyone else.

“’Scuse me, coming through, gotta go,” she says to everyone we pass. It almost reminds me of Ally. As I let Bianca’s presence block out the rest of the world, I sense her own discomfort.

When we finally make it outside, I pull her aside, away from the crowds.

“Bianca, what’s wrong?”

Her eyes go slightly wider, like a kid caught stealing. “I…”

She stops herself from lying and covers her face.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I say. “But if there’s anything I can do to help you—”

“You can’t,” she says. “It’s my fault. I just keep realizing how much worse the Night House will seem when I go there tonight. Can you really not block it out?” She sounds desperate.

I know that I’m making her hate herself. But I’m also giving her a reason to hate the Night House. Is it worth it? Is this really the only way I can help her? I’m being pulled in two directions.

“The connection is broken when I’m asleep.” It’s the truth, but I don’t bother to tell her that when the connection reforms, I feel everything that I missed.

She covers her eyes. “God, get some sleeping pills or something. I can’t stand this. Hurting myself is one thing, but hurting you too?”

I put my hands on her shoulders and she unwillingly meets my gaze. “You shouldn’t have to hurt yourself.”

She hangs her head, but the angle causes her neck wound to flare up in pain. I wince before I can catch myself. Her hand flies to her neck, the other to her mouth.

“I’m sorry,” she says.

“You know…after finding out about the existence of something like vampires, I thought I’d be a lot more afraid. But I’m just mad at them for doing this to you.”

“Anger doesn’t help, trust me.” The half-smile she gets is worth it. “Besides…not all of them are bad. A vampire saved my life once.”

“Yeah, I guess that’d be like judging all of humanity for one guy.”

“I wish humans
and
vampires were more like you.”

Her gaze drops to the ground, and embarrassment wells up inside both of us. “That’s…the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“Don’t get used to it,” she fires back, bumping my shoulder with her fist. “I should get going before it happens again.”

“Hey, wait…” I smile at her. “I had fun today. Really. I can’t remember the last time I willingly went into a crowd of people like that and didn’t have a full-on panic attack. You made that possible.”

She opens her mouth to protest, but I beat her to it.

“I can handle it. I don’t want to lose this, so please, don’t leave me alone now or I might never go back outside. You’re the only reason I have.”

Instantly, I feel terrible for saying this, but it’s the truth. I haven’t organized a trip outside in years. Ally is always the one dragging me out. But now, I want to be doing these things. I want to show Bianca my world, as small as it is.

“I’m not going to leave, James.” The words are heavy in her mind.

I hug her. This is the first time I have ever felt this way about someone. It’s easy to trust her. Maybe because I know she trusts me. Maybe because she’s so worried about me. With my arms around her, it feels like I can hold her together. By fixing her, maybe I can fix myself.

“Can I walk you back home?” I ask.

“
No
. I’m going to the Night House, and you are
not
allowed there.”

“That’s where you work?”

She nods.

“Do you have to?”

She takes a breath and lets it out in a huff. I can’t decide if it was a short laugh or an angry scoff.

“Yes, I have to.”

“Is it because of the nauth?”

Her mouth hangs open, and her hands ball into fists. I am on thin ice.

“I can’t just tell them to stop using it,” she whispers, but her voice is barely in control. “It’s
not
up to me.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to understand,” I say. “Can I ask you a question?”

She doesn’t answer, just stares, waiting for it.

“If you did have a choice, would you stop using it?”

Silence falls around us like a heavy curtain.

She takes a step back, eyes on the ground. “Of course. Now I have to go, okay?”

“Yeah.”

My hands fall to my sides. At least I know she’s comfortable enough to lie to me.

“When will I see you again?” I ask.

“When do you want to?”

“As soon as possible would be nice,” I say. “How about the same time tomorrow?”

“Fine, yeah.”

“I’ll meet you in the park again, okay?”

She nods. “Mm-hm.”

I squeeze her hand, then let her go. She waits a split second before taking off into the crowds of people. She doesn’t look back.

Bianca

“God damn it!”

I sink to the floor of my room and curl up, forcing my head between my legs.

I hate him.

Well, I want to hate him. It would be so much easier if I hated him. I hold myself tighter. My knees squeeze my head, and I dig my nails into my skin. I need pain to ground myself, but all I can think of is how I’m hurting James.

My limbs go limp. I lie on my side on the floor.

He’s cute. He’s normal. He wants to help me. What about this is bad? Maybe he really can make a difference. I want him to. I barely know him, but I want him to like me. I want him to be able to change me.

There is a knock at my door. Finn’s voice calls out, “I need to talk to you.” He waits three seconds before opening my door.

I don’t bother getting up. I just lie there and wait for whatever unimportant message he has for me.

“You smell like another human.”

My eyes pop open.

“Human
boy
, to be exact.” He lets out an almost inaudible sigh. “Do you know why the other girls don’t leave their rooms? Why they stay inside?”

“Because they can’t stand to be around normal people.”

Finn’s shoulders barely twitch into a shrug. “They came here because they needed money. They can technically leave whenever they want, but they won’t. They no longer have a place out there. Imagine life among humans who could never know what you’ve done. Even if you told them, they would never believe you. You no longer fit into their way of life.”

He puts his hand on my chin.

“You are allowed to leave here, Bianca. But one human boy won’t change what takes others years to do. And in the meantime, you will only hurt him—and yourself—even more.”