The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections (29 page)

Samantha hasn’t wanted to ask for help, since she has been too busy overcompensating for her own lack of mothering. But it’s not working for her. She shouldn’t wait to explode to express herself; she needs to sit down calmly over dinner (at the kitchen table) and tell her kids she needs a little more help from them. A good-enough mother allows her kids to grow up and take more responsibility around the house. Trying to be everything for them doesn’t help them be their fullest versions of themselves. One way to think about this: The lifeguard not only learns to be the rescuer, but she also teaches people to swim. That’s the pearl.

Annabelle and her husband, Pete, have a seven-year-old son, Jason, and a three-year-old daughter, Jordan. Annabelle is a stay-at-home mom, and Pete owns and runs a small restaurant near the local university. Annabelle and Pete have been married ten years; they went to the same college but had different circles of friends, so they didn’t really know each other until a mutual friend introduced them at a party about twelve years ago. They hit it off and got married two years later. They have generally been on the same page regarding how they live, raise their family, spend free time, etc. But one issue they can’t agree on is how many kids they will have.

Pete was one of four boys in a boisterous household with lots of friendly competition and roughhousing with his brothers. Annabelle is the oldest of three girls and says the competition in her household wasn’t so friendly.
Both of her parents worked full-time, and “getting attention from them was our form of sport. We were always vying for their time, and it was hard to come by. I felt like we could never get enough from them.”

Recently, in a conversation over a late dinner, Pete told Annabelle that he’d really like to have a third child. “I couldn’t believe how serious he was,” says Annabelle. “I thought we’d put that to rest. He knows how I feel about this. Pete and I are already too busy, and we don’t make a ton of money from the restaurant. How could we handle this financially?”

Pete has heard Annabelle talk like this for years, but he is convinced that his “the more the merrier” attitude will prevail. “Annabelle doesn’t realize how great she is with the kids and how having
more
kids can actually make life easier,” he says. “They will have each other to play with and can entertain themselves. And we already have plenty of hand-me-downs for either a boy or a girl. We can handle this. It’s all good.”

Annabelle is conflicted because she gets so much pleasure from being a mother that the thought of another snuggly little baby is alluring. “But I’m realistic, and I know how it goes with three—it’s complicated, and someone doesn’t get their needs met. We are already stretched so thin. But I hate disappointing Pete. Just because he remembers it being ‘all good’ doesn’t mean that’s how it will be for us. Did he forget that his father made a lot more money than we do? Things are really good for us right now. We are happy. I don’t want to rock the boat.”

Catherine says that Annabelle and Pete are both screening—thinking about how it was when they were kids. Pete’s trying to replicate that joy, and Annabelle’s trying to avoid the pitfalls. They need to go to the basement and bring some of Pete’s scrapbooks to the kitchen table, where they can really talk, look at his family pictures, let him express his nostalgia for his childhood, the fun and chaos and endless good times. Annabelle should ask if he can put out that much energy today, with the kids he already has and his thriving, busy restaurant. And how will he feel after a third sleep-sucker arrives? And when will he find the time to give Annabelle her time with him? (This is from her basement full of memories,
where no one got any time.) Which takes us to the bedroom, where Pete keeps trying to have unprotected sex.

Pete is not living in the here and now or listening to Annabelle, who is also stuck in the basement. He forgets that his mother was exhausted, got impatient, and that his dad traveled all the time for work and stayed away from the chaos at home as much as he could. Annabelle says adding to the household workload will “break my back, and our bank,” since she is already exhausted and their finances are stretched to the limit.

Now, back to the kitchen table, where they are talking. Pete’s mom didn’t work, but he knows Annabelle eventually wants to go back to her teaching job. The choice of whether or not to expand their family has to be made together, and she shouldn’t feel railroaded into having a third baby. Meanwhile, she is worried that if she says no he’ll resent her later.

They have some talking to do, especially about his little “jump on it” act in bed, which is totally unacceptable to her. She needs to tell him: “You can’t just bully me into getting your way.”

The first step for Annabelle: Be honest with herself. Her mind is made up, but she won’t tell Pete because she doesn’t want to upset him. The “We won’t have enough money” excuse is just that.

While she can’t change him, she can change herself, and that means being direct and truthful, even if it disappoints Pete. What’s delaying this conversation is her desire to get back that loving feeling they had before the kids came. She worries that having this potentially difficult discussion will make it harder between them, because he will become “emotionally unavailable,” which is how it felt to her growing up with parents who were distant. But she has no choice but to tell him the truth. The pearl: Be honest, even if it hurts.

Adrienne is a freelance musician married to Todd, a computer analyst. They have two kids, ages eleven and fourteen, who have homework after sports practice most days of the week. By the time the kids get home, clean up, have dinner, and settle down to do homework, they have been going nonstop for fourteen hours straight. In order for the kids to keep up with their studies, “screen time” is very limited on weeknights, and TV watching has not been allowed.

Todd and Adrienne have generally been in agreement about the rules, but recently, the kids have gotten into
American Idol
, and they have been lobbying to do their homework in front of the TV “just on Tuesday nights.” Since both kids are doing pretty well in most subjects, they feel the strict TV rule should be lifted for this one show (and as a bonus they say, “We can all watch as a family!”). Adrienne is unmoved by the argument, but Todd has been waffling. As a true TV lover (who considers the remote one of his own appendages), Todd really empathizes with the kids, and he has always felt the house rules were a bit strict.

That leaves Adrienne feeling like the bad guy—and she hates it. “It’s awful to be the fun-buster parent. I wish my kids had more free time, but they don’t. Todd and I, as parents, can’t just cave because they want to watch a certain show. If we give in to this, then what’ll be next?”

The bigger issue right now is that the kids have started gently teasing Adrienne about being a “Meanie Mom,” and Todd isn’t doing much to deter them. “The kids can tell that we are divided on this issue, even if Todd seems to be toeing the line. They are getting bolder in their campaign to change the rules.”

What’s happening here, Catherine says, is that the kids are doing what’s called “splitting” their parents. Splitting is a stressful dynamic in any relationship and can drive a wedge between even two well-intentioned parents. But it can happen only when the parents allow it to.

The first problem is that most couples think they should agree on everything, but that’s unrealistic. You will disagree many times; it’s how you handle it that matters. Splitting can happen at every level, big and small—such as what to have for dinner, or whether to allow a rude child to have dessert. It becomes a way of life in some families and the source of much tension in the family dynamic.

It often starts when the kids are young, toddlers even—one parent will bring a crying baby into the bed, and that child soon learns who the softie is. Usually one parent takes a stand on one set of rules (eating vegetables or brushing teeth), and the other is stricter about different areas (shaking hands, being respectful of grown-ups, making your bed). There isn’t a single parent that hasn’t shot their spouse a pleading “Back me up here!” look.

We have to take this issue from kid’s room to kitchen table, pronto. Adrienne and Todd have some talking to do. They may even have to stop in the basement first. Perhaps Todd had a strict parent who made life in his house a misery and he vowed to be more understanding with his kids. Or perhaps the opposite—there was no discipline and everyone needed more structure, and Adrienne wants to create it to help her kids, not to torture them.

There may be areas where you can compromise and not feel undermined, especially when it comes to TV watching. With the Internet, you can watch shows anytime, anywhere. But this is still a parental decision, and how you arrive at a satisfying consensus is what matters, not what you end up watching!

Parents need to recognize splitting when it’s happening and whether it’s initiated by the children (May I have a sleepover tonight?) or by you and your spouse (I told the kids they could have a sleepover tonight). You may want to have a go-to phrase, such as “Family meeting!” or “Daddy and I need to talk about it first,” to discuss the issue privately
and then present a united front to the kids. Remember, it’s important to choose your battles, and to become good actors. Practice a straight face when you start your “Your father and I have decided…” speech. No hints allowed as to who wanted to give in. Your children are searching for clues, and they will try to pry you apart later, even though you’re together (at least publicly), having agreed on a decision.

The parents are a unit, even when they disagree, and kids need this solidarity in order to feel secure. Knowing you have more than one person looking out for your best interests is like life insurance. The pearl: Parenting is a collaboration, even if it sometimes feels like a battleground. Remember, you’re in it together.

For Heather, time and space are connected. So are money, work, and the freedom to be creative. “I want to spend more time with my kids,” says Heather, “but by the time I get my work done, or my chores, or my workout, or check their schoolwork, we are all wiped out. We just want to sit in front of TV or veg out. We don’t have the energy to be that perfect family. It seems that our together time is always in the car or rushing around. It’s rare to have downtime that is memory-making. Life is just too
hectic.”

So this is where Heather’s fantasy comes in. She believes that if she lived in a rambling farmhouse on acres of land that things would be different.

“But maybe I’m delusional, because I know the person who is driving the hectic schedule is me. If there is a test anywhere on the horizon, I ride them like a farm animal to study harder and try to excel. I worry that I am pushing them too hard, and yet whenever I see them goofing off, even if it’s at their desk, drawing or doodling or writing, I think:
It’s great my kids are creative, but they need to get good grades too.
So I drive them, and then I regret it.

“I love my kids and my hubby so much that sometimes I wish we could move to Montana, and be together, away from all the stimuli that takes us away from each other. Or I fantasize about a round-the-world trip, just us four, on a sailboat, to slow down this moment and spend precious hours together before everyone grows up and splinters off into their own directions. And yet I know in my heart I won’t yank them out of school, quit my job, and upend our lives.”

Catherine says Heather is suffering from what a professor once told her could be called “geographic dissonance,” which means that she thinks a change of physical location will change her emotional self. The popular expression “wherever you go, there you are” tells you how unsuccessful a strategy geographic dissonance is.

Heather knows she’s driving this fast-paced life, and it comes from her past, growing up with overachieving parents who expected the same from their kids. Now she is repeating the pattern but hoping for an out.

People often feel that a change of scenery will do them good…and it may, but not permanently. Heather’s Montana fantasy is her way of saying, “I wish I could step off this crazy merry-go-round.” But she doesn’t. And she has to figure out why. What is it doing for her? Is she worried that her kids won’t succeed unless they are in the red-hot center of the thrumming city? Would a slower, more remote life be
too
quiet? Heather’s
key process is “it’s not either/or…it’s both/and.” It’s not a question of absolutes: Heather could live a quieter life in Baltimore, or any city, or she could live a busy, driven life on a farm. It’s up to her to decide how fast or slow she races through her day. She needs to stop being so anxious about trying to achieve everything, including the quiet, creative life she is unable to attain. She can slow down and give her kids more free time, but it’s a decision, not a move to a new state.