The Not Gate (Tom and Alice #1) (7 page)

K.I.S.S.I.N.G

Wednesday
8
th
November

T
om held Alice in his hands. He was kissing her and he suddenly realised what a crazy dickhead he really was.

All that he could bloody think of as soon as they had made it into the store was kissing her beautiful mouth, he felt like he was the teenager. He was more turned on than ever before, but was being as careful as he could to not push against her with his body, he really didn’t want to scare her. His brain had told him to pull away several times but the message wasn’t making it to his mouth, which was fused onto the softest, sweetest lips he had ever tasted.

Tom had planted his hands on her head, partly to hold her in place and partly to stop them from doing what they really wanted to do, which was roam all over her quivering little body. He was sure she wasn’t aware just how much she was shaking, how much her body was responding, and it was the most intense feeling in the world knowing you have that in your hands.

He had made his mistake though and he couldn’t take it back now, it was happening and to be honest at this point he wasn’t even thinking about it. Tom, the teacher was riding shotgun, Tom, the man had the wheel.

Alice had looped her arms around his neck and her mouth became suddenly more insistent, her body moulded itself to his and for an instant he lost grip on the fine line of control he was fighting. He grabbed her hair and knotted it into his hand and pulled her head back, feasting on her, as the edge of the inner animal began to emerge. He slammed his lower body involuntarily towards her and she pushed back against him, a silent gasp leaving her mouth and entering his.

That was it.

Stop. Stop now
.

His warning and a reminder of who he was with and what was happening. He wouldn’t get another one if he didn’t end this now.

‘Enough,’ Tom breathed pushing her shoulders away from him a little too roughly.

‘No,’ she replied loudly, her eyes flashing open as she reached wildly for him, ‘Tom, please.’

With every ounce of strength he had working to stay in control of this situation, he stroked down her arms with both hands trying to sooth her.

‘Alice, baby, listen to me. Look around at where we are, we don’t have any more time. We have to get back before we’re missed.’

‘Tom, I need you, I can’t explain,’ she struggled against his grip, ‘I need you. Did I do something wrong? Don’t stop this, please,’ she begged, tears emerging from her eyes.

Did she do something wrong?!

Her spirit and her innocent green eyes bewildered and humbled him. He wanted to get down on his knees and worship her for even letting him touch her. Asking him to carry on was the most beautiful song he had ever heard, but he couldn’t. For all the reasons he found her irresistible they were the same reasons that scared the shit out of him.

‘You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re amazing, you don’t know how fucking amazing Alice. I know how you feel… just breathe,’ he looked at her trying to stay calm, ‘we have to stop. We can’t carry on. I can’t control myself around you at the moment,’ he coaxed in hushed tones.

She looked at him with such a raw emotion he had never experienced, he had to look away.

‘I don’t want your control, damn it,’ she cursed, clearly angry now.

‘Alice, you asked for a kiss, one kiss,’ he reminded her softly. Yet he knew full well he would want more. So much more.

‘It’s not enough. How can it make me feel like this? I feel so desperate for you,’ she searched his eyes for comfort, understanding.

‘It’s arousal and I feel it too, believe me. Your body is telling you what it wants, not what is right for it. Tomorrow you’ll thank me for stopping, when you’re thinking clearly,’ he kissed her forehead again.

‘Tomorrow I’ll want to sleep with you more than ever,’ she replied, her eyes never leaving his.

Tom’s mouth all but fell open

Sleep with her?

The sudden bluntness shook him and hardened his erection further. In her frank openness shone a beacon of her youth. A woman his age would never allow a man to see how much she was affected by him, always playing by a strict set of relationship rules, an emotional tug of war. But here was total honesty from someone who didn’t even understand the reality of what she knew they both wanted.

‘Shit Alice, we can’t have sex. I’m your teacher, twice your age. I don’t expect you to understand, but I’m too hard for you. You’re a virgin for heaven’s sake?’ Tom rubbed a hand roughly over his face.

‘Why does it matter that I’m a virgin?’ her face crumpled into self-loathing and she turned away from him.

He pulled her round to face him and pushed his lips back to hers for a second.

‘Don’t look like that. It’s such a precious thing and to think you would let me be the first man to have that pleasure is the biggest ego boost, but it does matter. You need to give that to someone special. Who can love you properly the way you deserve. Not in secret, in hiding. If I took your virginity it would be so very wrong,’ he was starting to shake, the reality of the conversation hitting home like a sledge hammer to the face. He looked down at his trembling hands and noticed the knuckles of his right hand were grazed and bloody, he hadn’t even realised that till now.

‘You’re someone special… you have no idea? Oh god it doesn’t matter now,’ she pushed his hands away from her arms, shaking her head slowly, ‘I was under the impression that this was a big deal for you? That kissing a student wasn’t something to take lightly, therefore, it would have to be with someone special for you to take that risk… my mistake.’ Alice slipped past him hurriedly and headed for the small door.

Tom caught her forearm in his large hand as she reached it and he pulled her back around harshly to face him. He grabbed her by the waist and half lifted, half walked her backwards, jamming her body between his own and the wall. He cursed her smart mouth for his reaction and the dark side of his brain was screaming…

Do it!

‘You’re a special as it gets, Alice. Do you know how big a risk I’ve already taken tonight? If you think I would do that for shit, you’re wrong,’ he growled. His anger was apparent and his accent became darker, ‘If you want it straight then here it is. I’ve thought of nothing but fucking you for the last month. I can’t sleep for thinking about it, every glance you give me makes me hard and it’s killing me. Being with a virgin scares the shit out of me and a student is unforgivable. My hands are tied despite what I want. Damn it, Alice what else can I say to you?’

Alice trembled under his touch again, ‘Okay Tom, okay I get it. I’m sorry… I understand,’ she whispered. Resting her palms on his chest, trying to calm him now. But he could see the pain of rejection in her look. She didn’t understand it wasn’t rejection there simply wasn’t a choice to make.

Tom placed his forehead to hers gently, ‘you’re as special as it gets,’ he said again.

Alice smiled at him and her heavy heart was obvious. Did she even realise his was too? He didn’t want to hurt her, but damn it that was exactly what he’d done.

ALICE’S BIRTHDAY

Thursday
9
th
November

A
lice woke at 7am and her eyes stung. She felt sick and hungry. She’d spent all of yesterday in bed, faking illness. She had smiled weakly at her friends as they fussed over her and then left for the day’s activities. Alice had cried intermittently throughout the day, as she’d done since he walked her back to her dorm in silence the previous night. Tom had left her on the steps with the blankets in a pile at her feet, touched her hand with his and disappeared back into the darkness of the forest.

Yesterday, when she woke from a broken sleep she thought it had all been a dream until she noticed the ugly mascara stains on her pillow and the itchy blue blankets on the floor by her bed.

Tom had come by at about 2pm to talk to her. To make sure she was okay? She had pretended to be asleep the whole time and he hadn’t even tried to wake her. He just sat on her bed watching for about five minutes. She tried desperately to control her breathing and make it look convincing. In the end he kissed her on her cheek and left.

He was clearly worried about how Tuesday night had affected her? She still hadn’t figured that one out herself yet, even after thirty hours of thought. One thing she was certain of, she wanted him more than ever, even if she did feel hurt and rejected.

Today was her birthday, she was seventeen-years-old.

Happy Birthday

Today she would get up and enjoy her day though no matter how hard that was going to be. She pushed back the covers, grabbed her wash bag and headed for the showers.

She saw him at 9.23am. He was standing in the dining hall, holding a mug of coffee while she was queuing for toast. He saw her at about the same time as she saw him and for a moment she thought he was going to come straight over. His body almost lurched in her direction. But instead he smiled, and his eyes searched hers for answers or maybe even questions?

Alice smiled back but it felt detached and false.

Tom instantly looked down at his drink and his face set into a thin mask of anger. She wanted to talk to him so badly but what would be the point? They had both talked enough the other night and it was clear to Alice that he was not going to move on his stand, despite his attempts to persuade her that he both cared and wanted her too.

She knew it was childish, but she felt rejected. Something about a woman practically offering herself to a man on a plate and being turned down, however strange the circumstances, was pretty hard to take.

‘Happy birthday, are you feeling any better today?’ his voice so powerful and accent so mesmerising floated right next to her ear just inches from her face. She almost jumped out of her skin.

‘Marginally. Thank you, sir,’ she replied stiffly, really not wanting to be a bitch but somehow it was coming out like that. Call it wounded pride if you like.

‘Okay,’ he looked puzzled, ‘if you feel any worse let me know. I have you for bush-craft today, don’t I?’ he was trying to keep it professional, but add a level of meaning that she would understand.

‘I swapped first thing, sir. I’m doing war games now,’ she answered not looking at him directly. She had switched classes, there was no way she could hide the way she was feeling if he was right there, near to her all day long.

‘Oh right. I didn’t realise. I’ll um catch you later then?’ she heard the surprise in his answer and as he walked away from her she caught the beaten look on his face and wanted to cry all over again. What else was left to say though, they were on different pages and that wasn’t going to change.

FRUSTRATION

Thursday
9
th
November

T
om was livid, mostly with himself. He was supposed to teaching a class but instead he was speeding out of the parking area like a bloody boy racer in his pale blue Peugeot 205.

He’d mumbled something about an urgent personal errand to Mr Hill, a Technology teacher and asked him to cover until he got back. He would mess up the plan Tom had laid out for the session, but right now he really didn’t give a shit. He needed a cigarette even though he hadn’t touched them in more than six years.

Three miles down the road he hit an Esso petrol station and grabbed a pack of Marlboro. He could’ve done with a whiskey too, but thought better of it.

What the hell had he done?

She was avoiding him. Looking at him with contempt and he couldn’t blame her. He was disgusting, an abomination. Should he just resign now? Leave today and never see her again? He could get another job, at another school, he could be normal.

Not gonna happen
.

But god how he craved her. Just to see the little curl at the edge of her smile, her fresh smell, like meadows after it rains. Her little body trembling under his touch, and her hair, the way it evoked strawberries but looked like a mass of golden thread.

She was the most exquisite thing he could dream of and she was so real.

He coughed after his second drag on the cigarette and realising why he had given up in the first place. He stamped it out on the ground, climbed into the car and tossed the pack onto the back seat.

He flipped on the stereo, Simply Reds
Fairground
played again. That was all he heard on the radio at the moment or Pulp or bloody Eternal… why couldn’t they just play some country for a change? He fished an old cassette tape out of the glove compartment and shoved it into the deck. He listened to the soft words and the lonely guitar for a little while until it started to sooth his simmering mood.

This girl had him tied in knots. But he’d made his mind up he was going to speak to her later tonight, he just had to. He would make her talk to him no matter what. This wasn’t done yet. He wasn’t saying that he was going to be with her, not the way they wanted but he had to put right the wrong he’d done and try to take away the hurt at the very least. He owed her that much.