The Onion Eaters (11 page)

‘Sir it’s a four in hand to take you to Mr and Lady
Macfuggers’.’

‘Thank you, Charlene.’

The lady out of petrol standing in the great hall at the edge of Franz’s excavation in the corner. Turns with a girlish twirl at the sound of my footsteps. Charlene kept her eyes averted and retreated to the antchamber as I dressed. Pumped galloping flames into the fire with a long handled bellows. Steamed my socks with the heat. Cooled again when put over my ice cold feet. A little elegance upon the person buoys the spirit. Needed to face the lady out of petrol. Last confronted across the pale pole of Erconwald.

‘I’m awfully sorry but my man Percival is missing. We fear the worst.’

‘O that’s quite all right. As a matter of fact it is rather a strange coincidence. I understand you are on your way to the Macfuggers. Actually it’s precisely where I was
going.
And if you wouldn’t mind, perhaps I could come along and pick up my car later. My name’s Veronica as a matter of fact.’

Two coachmen in shiny black top hats and green coats. Gleaming windows of the carriage. Clementine climbing aboard after this woman who had a rather musky smell The darkening day and Rose standing glaring from a
parapet.
Poor Elmer downcast as I closed the door against his big black nose. Pall of doom. Percival gone.

‘As a matter of fact I’m an old friend of the Macfuggers. But apropos of nothing at all do you mind if I ask, who are you.’

‘Me red skin.’

‘What.’

‘Me from tribe.’

‘I don’t think I follow you.’

‘Me brave.’

‘Are you having me on. Good lord this contraption is rather uncomfortable. Driver, you out there, do please be more careful.’

‘Yes madam.’

‘They are the limit you know, these natives. Impossible to impart manners to. Several louts standing about in a village refused to push my car to get it started. Of course I do enjoy it when I see them pounding each other’s faces in the pubs. At least they keep each other down. Sexually of course they are extremely interesting. I quite like the ring of sun around farm labourers’ necks. It does more for me than I can say. But you appear to be inclined towards having your little games with male companions. As a matter of fact our brief encounter today is the very type of thing I most fancy, I hope I don’t embarrass you, but that’s an awfully cute penis on your friend. I wanted to photograph it for my album. He was so pleased. Said he has a
laboratory
back in town with details concerning a gentleman’s organ quite outsize. One always hears of these men but never meets them. Why don’t they come knocking on my door. I’m divorced from my first husband. He was in the Colonial Service. We often went on elephants up into the hills. What whoppers they’ve got. But they’re a far more comfortable journey than this.’

Mountains rising up purple in the evening sky. Clouds pressing darkly from the sea. Horses’ hooves clattering on the stony rutted road. Brown bog lands. Heather and gorse. Tiny spots of yellow flowers. Spring lies somewhere. Hiding butterflies who will skip over the countryside. Rain streaks the carriage glass. Breezes blow up through the floor. My chess playing friend aboard the ship had a gallon of wine in his cabin. He often asked who I was. Said he suspected me of being a deposed monarch and that I would not speak again until I got back on my throne. I grew to like him and chalked in his name as victor of the ping pong
competition.
He won by default as no one could stand up to play. Tug boats guided us through the channel when we set sail out of the port to ride the great swells of the sea. Still lashed by the tail of the hurricane. And down went the passengers into their bunks again.

‘I hope you’ll pardon my saying so, but you are a very presentable young man. I like young men. I’d be less than
frank not admitting to nearly getting hysterical with desire back there in your fire department or whatever you call it. I think my body might amaze you. Sorry if I’m being tactless. I’m simply mad about pricks. You rich young men are all alike. I hope you’re not sitting there being smug. While I just go on talking. You’ve hardly said a word. I think you’re awfully pretentious. Me red skin, me from tribe, me brave. How dare you. I’m not attacking you. But I suppose you spend your time with all those lovely young innocent things who’ve never had a cock in their mouths in their lives. Precious little buttercups shepherded by their mothers. How dare you own that marvellous castle. How dare you.’

‘Madam I’ve just got out of hospital. My great aunt gave me the castle to recuperate in. I’m trying to make a new life for myself.’

‘I’m sorry, I had no idea you were an invalid.’

‘I’m not.’

‘I love cats you know. I detest your dog. That great ugly monster.’

‘I don’t mind what you say about me but please don’t insult my dog.’

‘The very wrong people are getting the upper hand these days. I think it’s an affront that you have that castle. When my class are suffering such indignity. Do you know that my ancestors have been officers in the Colonial Service for more than three generations.’

‘I’m sorry I didn’t know.’

‘It’s not that I need it known, I’ll have you know.’

Rocking swaying and bouncing, horses churning hooves as the carriage mounts these hills. Galloping around turns, crashing over ruts. By barren bog lands. Sheep running from the path of the rumbling vehicle. Veronica with her legs crossed. A strong pair of hands folded in her lap. A sweet perfume she wears. Offers me the rug to put over my knees. Gold embroidered coat of arms, a boar with a sabre in its mouth. Veronica tucking herself in. The cold
gripping
tight around one’s bones. Past a broken roofless stone ruin of a cottage. Mounds marking old boundaries on
hillsides
.
Bracken withered. I went to the library and studied books about this land. Flora fauna and climate. The grass full of frogs. Holds the world’s record for loneliness and rainfall. Out there the spirit would dissolve on the wind swept granite. Streams cutting down the hillsides spilling brown water. Fading light. Sea out of sight. Something
interfering
in the area of my lap. The hand of Veronica. Wonder if my eyeballs are oscillating. Cleverly she has penetrated the fly buttons. The backwards on underwear will bedevil her. Goodness she’s got through it. With the dexterity of a seamstress. Her haughty profile as she looks out her window. Just about old enough to be my mother. Whom she resembles. Somehow folk on this side of the ocean seem not to stand on ceremony. By God her hand is cold.

‘Do you mind awfully. Helps ha ha keep my hand warm. And I’d quite like to get to know you better. You dear boy. You’ve such brazen nerve to fly a flag on top of your castle. How dare you. I think you’re devilishly sweet if you really want to know.’

Heading downwards, horses sliding as they dig in. Sparks from the brakes. Veronica is pulling away on it possessed. Auntie said life over there will give you backbone. When I asked for an increase in my allowance she decreased it. Said strength comes from struggle. Formulate a code to live by. Stand on your principles. They make money. Find a young woman who’s not afraid to get the gloves on her hands dirty with a little gardening. And never marry a woman dear boy who’s not fond of flowers. Even better if you can find one who likes to grow vegetables. You bring the girl to me and then we’ll see about an increased allowance.

Dark shadows of trees sheltering up narrow glens. A high wall. Smell of steaming horses. The carriage turning
between
two high stone piers topped with bronze falcons’ wings outstretched shining in the moonlight. A candle flickering in the window of the gate lodge. The road
descending
and bending through a tunnel of rhododendrons. Great boughs twining up into a thatch of leaves. Scent of mouldering wood. Hooves and wheels becoming loud. And
fainter across a level road between sloping parkland
pastures
of grazing beasts. Over a bridge and up again to turn before a sprawling granite mansion.

Lights electric go on. Faintly and slowly growing brighter. Wide stone steps. Four tall pillars. Nails
Macfugger
evening clothed grinning legs astride. And coming down the steps. Hand held out. Coachman opening door.

‘Veronica dear girl. Began to wonder what happened to you. Ah. By God. There you are Clementine. Damn good of you to come. You two not up to any tricks together. Veronica old girl can take it like a trooper in any damn orifice you care to elect or if you fancy, all of them at once and still hum the west’s awake. We’ll have a disgustingly filthy night of it. Come on in. I say Gail, they’ve arrived together. And give the men some beer.’

Into a long hall flanked by two roaring fires. Stand full of bull whips on the black and white tiles. Lady
Macfugger
embracing Veronica. A kiss lingering between their lips.

‘Stop that this instant in my house you god damn
lesbians.’

‘Jeffrey shut up we were only kissing.’

‘I damn well know what you were doing. Won’t have any flagrancy in my front hall. This is no bawdy house. Now I’ll tell you Clementine, you know how Ballsbridge came to be a name. Giant built a bridge who did not want to get his testicles wet crossing the canal. Maybe that’s not damn funny but by God it made me laugh. Now is
everybody
ready for sherry. Knock the chill for six.’

‘Veronica would like to change, Jeffrey.’

‘Take it off, that’s a change.’

‘Please Jeffrey.’

‘You know Clementine I got back here today. I say to the Mrs let’s rip off a piece, I had her by a haunch and she was up there clinging to the banister and she says why don’t you take your dirty wants to whores once in a while. Come on we’ll go in here while they powder their arses.’

Large white kid skin sofas. Stuffed with swan’s down. A room of glass cabinets filled with china. White thick rugs
on gleaming mahogany floors. Heaped turf fire glowing and a scented sweet air of smoke. Faces round the walls, some chubby cheeked and fair like Macfugger. Others of thin faced women.

‘Ah you see the ancestors do you. Interesting lot. All the damn Macfugger men fat faced fortune hunters. And there they are, the victims. One narrow arsed bitch after another. By God if I don’t think I’m carrying on the tradition. Had a cable just as we got back today. Ruddy aunt of Gail’s dropped us sixty thousand right out of the sky just as God was lifting her into heaven. Smack into my lap dear boy. Doesn’t half give one hope for the future. Man must have a pot to piss in, be it ever so humble as imitation jade. Now tell me did Veronica grab it on you.’

‘I beg your pardon.’

‘Nonsense, she must have tried to get hold of it.’

‘She ran out of petrol for her car. I went searching for Percival to get some. He couldn’t be found. He was fishing and might have been drowned.’

‘What a dashed nuisance. Lose a good servant like that. You know, let me tell you something boy, that woman has the finest physique I’ve ever seen. Summers she goes
swimming
down there in the lough. Never seen anything like it. The whole stable was down there lurking in the
shrubbery
watching just like myself. Had me they did, couldn’t tell them to bugger off or we’d give the whole show away. And she’s a ruddy glutton for it. Had a black man back in her flat and the poor chap crawled away in tears after four days.’

‘Good lord.’

‘Damn right good lord. Wouldn’t be surprised if there weren’t a queue of chaps waiting outside her door. Now come, this way. Into my little pub. Had it built in the middle of this ten foot thick wall. Come in here when I’m down in spirits, enjoy to get behind the bar and make
myself
a drink. You know chaps like us ought to stick together. By jove. Louts trying to take over the country. Army of
insurrection.
By God I’m ready for them.’

Nails with radiant shirt cuffs joined by pea size rubies,
putting two tumblers on the gleaming mahogany bar. With a key on a long gold chain across his cummerbund he
unlocks
a cut glass cabinet full of bottles.

‘Now what will it be. Whiskey.’

‘Fine.’

‘Dear boy here’s to the Macfuggers and Clementines. There are no little Macfuggers yet but by God I’ll have Gail up the pole before the winter’s out.’

Lady Macfugger entering the salon in black. Her
shoulders
graceful and spare. Veronica in white, her hair up. A pair of strong shapely arms. Blue little veins over the biceps. A glittering diamond brooch at the division of her breasts. Nails forced out from behind the bar of his pub. A butler appearing called Bonaparte. A thin man in an outsize suit. Nails declaring he had caught the bugger tippling and now having put all the drink under lock and key the man had lost an incredible amount of weight. In this cushiony sweet opulence. Sparkling chandeliers, glowing Meissen and
Dresden.
Lady Macfugger’s lingering smile across her splendid teeth. Each line of her face a smooth fleshed contour. Nourished by titbits from banquets. Makes her elegantly radiant. From my spirit damp cobwebs lift. Shutters closed over great windows. Hidden in here cosy and warm from a wintry stormy night. Among saved up treasures gathered over the years. To make and keep everything nice for the eye, nose and ear. And maybe even other parts as well.

‘By God Clementine stay over night.’

‘Thank you but I think I’d better get back.’

‘Get back, by God, you haven’t learned the rules of
country
living. The grass goes on growing whether you’re there or not. Ruddy beasts go on grazing, the bull is nosing around plunging it into every heifer in heat. I mean to say we’ll get out there after dinner in the black knickerbockers and play havoc with the poachers. Gail’s got a room all ready.’

‘Yes please, why don’t you stay Mr Clementine, do, it’s so seldom we have anyone we can socialize with.’

‘Ha Clementine, listen to that. She means I’ve insulted all her friends. Not a ruddy one of them save good old
Veronica here will set foot in this house and I’m damn glad of it.’