The Outsider (18 page)

“They are surely trying to help you, Sister Esther.”

The woman sighed. “Perhaps so, but it doesn’t, you know. I can’t forget Becca. She was part of me. My gift from the Lord. He gave me Becca and I did not take care of his gift.”

“That is not so. You loved Becca just as the Lord surely meant for you to do, and now she will always be in your heart.” Gabrielle took both of Sister Esther’s hands into hers to still them. “But now you have to quit punishing yourself for her death and go on with your own life.”

“I have no life.” Sister Esther’s voice was flat and void of feeling.

“But you do. You have a life here with the Believers.” Gabrielle glanced around to see if anyone could hear her words. Everyone was absorbed in the song, so she went on. “Or you could leave and find a new life in the world.”

Sister Esther didn’t seem to hear. “Becca calls to me. Did you know that, Sister Gabrielle?” Without waiting for Gabrielle to answer, she went on. “I hear her voice and see her beckoning to me. And when I don’t go to her, I hear her crying.”

Gabrielle searched her mind for something comforting to say, but she found no words. She held Sister Esther’s hands tighter and shared her sorrow silently.

“She cries, Sister Gabrielle, and I can’t go to her. I never could stand to hear her crying. I used to hold her all day and rock her when she was a baby because she would cry. But now I can’t hold her. I can’t reach her at all. And she keeps crying.”

Gabrielle spoke around the lump in her throat. “It is only a dream, Sister Esther. Becca is in heaven. In heaven with the angels there is only happiness.”

Sister Esther’s eyes came up to stare at Gabrielle. “And weren’t we going to be happy here, Sister Gabrielle? Weren’t all our troubles supposed to be gone? Weren’t we to love one another and make a heaven on earth? And didn’t my Becca die anyway?”

“We are only human. We haven’t the power of the Eternal Father to solve all problems and heal all sickness.”

“The Believers only make problems. They solve nothing.”

“We have love one for another. We have love for you.”

“Tell me, Sister Gabrielle, do you think Becca would have died if we had never ventured into this supposed paradise on earth? Your truthfulness would be a kindness to me.” Gabrielle hesitated. How could she answer her? Finally she said, “Who am I to know when death will come?” Sister Esther smiled sadly. “You know, Sister Gabrielle. You know the truth, but you are afraid to admit it or speak it aloud. I knew it was wrong the first night we were here when they took Becca from me and she cried. I didn’t go to her then, and now I cannot.”

Gabrielle didn’t say anything. There was nothing she could say. Words and phrases shot through her mind, but all of them faded away in the face of Sister Esther’s grief.

Sister Esther didn’t seem to notice Gabrielle’s silence as she said, “But if she keeps crying, I will have to try. You understand that, don’t you? I will have to try.”

Sister Helen stepped in front of them. “Sister Gabrielle, you are not in your place with the singers. Are you ill?”

“Nay.” Reluctantly Gabrielle let go of Sister Esther’s hands and stood up. Sister Esther’s hands began their nervous dancing about in her lap again. Gabrielle looked straight into Sister Helen’s eyes. “Sister Esther isn’t well. Someone needs to sit with her.”

Sister Helen stared at Sister Esther for a moment. Then she looked back at Gabrielle. “It is nothing. She’ll snap out of it as soon as she confesses her sins and gives her obedience to the Believers’ way.”

“She needs someone with her,” Gabrielle insisted. Then she softened her voice and said, “I humbly seek your permission to speak with Elder Caleb about her.”

Sister Helen’s eyes snapped angrily. “There’s nary a thing humble about you, Sister Gabrielle, and there never has been. So you want to go over my head to the elder. Elder Caleb has no time for one in disgrace.”

Gabrielle refused to back down. “Our sister needs special consideration. Surely you have compassion for her.”

Sister Helen’s face reddened and her hand came up as if she might strike Gabrielle. But then she seemed to remember she was in meeting where they were only to show love for one another and not anger, and she said, “Of course I do. I’ll see that someone takes care of Sister Esther. You need not remind me of my love for my sisters.”

“Nay, of course not,” Gabrielle said meekly. But she didn’t feel meek. Her spirit would not humble before Sister Helen no matter what she did, and suddenly she was tired of trying. Still she had to endure Sister Helen’s presence for months more. It was either that or leave, and even if she had wanted to leave to get away from Sister Helen, she had no place to go.

Brice was in her mind with his words promising to be there if she needed him, but the words had no truth in them. He’d gone away into the region of war. Nathan had gone with him. She’d heard it from Sister Helen.

Gabrielle knew nothing of wars. She knew only that men fought and men died. Her gift of knowing nudged at her with images of guns and soldiers, but she pushed the gift away, fearing what she might see. Perhaps her visions were nothing more than dreams just as she’d told Sister Esther hers were when Becca called to her.

Gabrielle looked over her shoulder at Sister Esther and felt somewhat relieved when another of the sisters went to help her up and held her arm as they left the meetinghouse. Gabrielle walked with her head bowed beside Sister Helen. She’d give the woman no further cause to report her unwillingness to bend her spirit and repent.

It wasn’t a dream that brought Gabrielle instantly awake just before dawn. She heard a scream. Gabrielle’s heart pounded as she sat up in bed and looked around. The room was dark, but she could see the shape of Sister Helen in the bed next to her. Gabrielle waited for her to move, but she slept on as though the scream had not shattered the peace of the night. No one in the room moved, and slowly Gabrielle realized the scream had sounded only in her own mind.

Although the air coming in the windows carried the warm, dry feel of summer, Gabrielle shivered. Sickness gathered in the pit of her stomach and dread filled her being as the gift of knowing captured her. Gabrielle could not keep the knowing from washing over her. The scream was gone, but where it had ripped through her there was a wide streak of raw pain. She saw Sister Esther’s face. Her features were strained and oddly twisted.

Gabrielle rose from her bed and held her breath as she silently edged past Sister Helen’s bed. She had to go to Sister Esther. But where? Gabrielle shut her eyes and probed the vision. A chill crept through her, turning her fingers ice cold as her breathing grew so shallow it almost stopped. But she saw Sister Esther. She was standing on a chair, and there were pots and a fireplace and strips of towels.

The kitchen. Gabrielle opened her eyes. For a moment she was too weak to move, but then she was in the hall, running, pulled by an urgency she didn’t even understand.

She was almost to the bottom of the stairs when she heard a clatter of something falling, and again the scream seared through her, burning away her breath. Each step on toward the kitchen was like pushing through a vat of syrup, and it seemed to take an eternity for her to reach the kitchen doorway.

“Nay, Sister Esther,” she cried, but it was too late. The chair lay sideways on the floor and Esther dangled halfway between the floor and the rafter she’d looped the strips of towels over. Her head lay in an odd angle against her shoulder.

The gray light of dawn began to filter in through the window, but Gabrielle wished for the dark of midnight to return and shut out this horror. She closed her eyes, but the same image was there in her mind. She had no way to escape it.

She found a knife and forced herself to right the chair. She hugged the woman close against her as she cut through the knotted towels. Gently she lowered her sister’s body to the floor and then fell down beside her.

She could do no more. She had no strength left to go after Sister Helen. She could only hold Sister Esther’s lifeless hands and hear her words.
“Becca cries for me.”

The minutes passed, bringing the full light of day ever nearer while Gabrielle’s innocence withered like a tender wildflower hit by the hot, dry wind of truth.

19

They wouldn’t bury Esther beside Becca. Gabrielle begged them to, but they were unrelenting in their refusal.

“Our fallen sister cannot be placed among the other Believers, Sister Gabrielle,” Elder Caleb explained patiently. “It was a sin for her to take a life, even her own, and since there is no way for her to ever confess that sin and gain forgiveness, she can never be a part of the Believers again, even in death.”

“She was ill.” It was useless to argue, but Gabrielle could not stop her words. “Sister Esther was sick with grief.”

“She should have prayed or sought the help of the ministry. Mother Ann suffered much grief too, through the loss of her babies and the sins of her husband and the persecution of the world once the Eternal Father had revealed his plan for her life. Suffering is never a reason for sin.”

“Mother Ann had the sureness of her beliefs to help her endure those sufferings. Sister Esther had nothing but the cry of her lost child in her heart.”

Elder Caleb frowned. “She could have had more. She had only to ask. While true commitment may not be easy for everyone, it is possible when one allows Mother Ann to guide the way.”

“Yea, Elder Caleb.” Gabrielle bowed her head. Without looking up, she asked meekly, “Would it be possible to move Becca’s body then?” Sister Helen drew in her breath sharply at the audacity of Gabrielle’s request.

“Nay, Sister Gabrielle.” Gabrielle had expected him to be angry, but the elder’s voice was kind. He reached over and touched her shoulder. “My child, your spirit is troubled. Perhaps that is why you aren’t seeing as clearly as you did or as you will again. You wouldn’t wish to remove the child from the family of God for eternity just because of a few short years she spent here on earth with her mother. Don’t you see, Sister Gabrielle? In heaven family relationships will matter even less than they do here among us. That’s why we as Believers must leave our worldly relationships behind us and learn to live as loving sisters and brethren.”

“I have done that, Brother Caleb, but Sister Esther could not. I only wished that she could find some peace now after life.”

Elder Caleb smiled at her. “Ye have a compassionate heart, my sister, but you are young yet. With years you will grow in understanding and then your compassion will serve you in good stead among our family of Believers.”

“I’m sorry to be a trouble to you,” Gabrielle said. “I will pray for more understanding.”

“If you pray with a humble heart, ye will receive, my child. Remember, when your spirit is troubled it is a gift to be simple, to cast away the trappings of the world that confuse our faith.”

So Sister Esther was buried in a graveyard apart from that of the Believers. The funeral was short and without song. There could be no celebration of this death. Only a handful of the Believers were there at all. Gabrielle had been allowed to go with Sister Helen’s constant eye watching her.

It had been Sister Helen who’d found Gabrielle still cradling Sister Esther’s head in her lap that morning. She’d looked on Sister Esther’s broken body and said, “You were not to leave your bed without awakening me, Sister Gabrielle. I will have no choice but to report this.”

Gabrielle had stared up at her for a long time unable to speak because of the emptiness in her soul. At last she said, “Sister Helen, don’t you care that our sister lies here dead of her own hand?”

“She was a foolish woman, but her foolishness gives you no excuse to break the rules of your supervision. There can be no reason for that.”

Gabrielle looked down at Sister Esther then and gently pushed her eyelids closed. She knew Sister Helen was still talking to her, but she shut her voice away until it was only an annoying noise, something like the buzz of an insistent mosquito. Inside her a wind was blowing, changing her until she felt like a tree bent out of shape by the force of a storm.

Finally Gabrielle raised her head when Sister Helen grabbed her shoulder. Anger filled Sister Helen’s eyes and her mouth made shapes of words rapidly. But Gabrielle refused to hear what she was saying even though she knew she’d have to do what Sister Helen wanted.

Gabrielle carefully placed Sister Esther’s head on the floor and stood up. She wasn’t the same person who had followed the gift of knowing down the stairs. The storm winds had blown and passed, but she was still bent. She wondered if the next storm might break her.

“It doesn’t seem right to leave her here alone,” Gabrielle said. “Will you not allow me to stay with her while you get help?”

“Nay, Sister Gabrielle. You have not been listening to me. Come now and be quick. I have had enough of your slowness this morning.” Sister Helen slapped her smartly on the back as one might strike a reluctant mule.

Gabrielle hadn’t had the strength to fight against Sister Helen’s demands, so she had followed her. She left Sister Esther’s spirit there in the bleak early morning light. She’d known it was wrong even before the scream pushed through her once more. It was fainter than it had been before, but it still carried much pain.

Now as Gabrielle watched the brothers push the dirt in on top of Sister Esther, she felt the pain again. Somehow she should have kept this from happening. If only she’d been able to reach her sister with words that would have helped her see some goodness, some ray of hope in the future. If only the knowing had come to Gabrielle sooner. Then surely she wouldn’t be here watching Sister Esther’s grave filling and remembering the words the woman had spoken while they watched the brothers fill Becca’s grave. The dirt was falling on her face just as she’d said then.

Sister Helen touched her arm almost kindly. “It’s time to go, Sister Gabrielle. The grave is filled.”

Gabrielle looked up with a bit of surprise. For a moment she’d forgotten that she wasn’t alone, that she couldn’t be alone for yet five more months. She took a deep breath while her mind once more accepted Sister Helen’s presence. Then she chanced her disapproval by saying, “I want to go to Becca’s grave before we return to the house.”

Sister Helen frowned and hesitated, but when Gabrielle began walking toward the other graveyard, she didn’t stop her. She muttered under her breath and followed along.

Gabrielle was glad not to have to speak again. She had pulled up as much of Sister Esther’s spirit as she could to carry with her to Becca’s resting place. The grass was fresh and green on Becca’s grave and a small bush of yellow roses gave off the sweet scent of summer. Gabrielle knelt and opened her arms. She shut out all the sounds and sights around her and prayed that somehow the Eternal Father in his mercy could heal the wounds made on these two she had loved and failed.

She couldn’t see them in her thoughts. The gift had gone dark when Esther died, leaving only the cold barrenness of truth. But she had to believe the Eternal Father was more merciful than the Believers. On earth the Believers had condemned Esther and Becca to separate places, but she prayed that in eternity they would be together.

As they left the graveyard, the evening shadows were long. She hadn’t noticed so much time passing. It was little wonder Sister Helen was hurrying along in such a huff.

The bell rang for evening meeting. Sister Helen looked back at Gabrielle with a deep frown. “Now see what you’ve done. The biting room will be closed. We might as well go along to meeting.”

“Could we not go on to the house? I am very tired.”

“Nay, Sister Gabrielle. We shan’t miss meeting. Tonight we must labor long in song to keep away the touch of Satan that has come sneaking near to us this day.”

Gabrielle sighed.

“It isn’t like you to wish to miss meeting, Sister Gabrielle. You have always shown great gifts of the spirit in laboring the songs.” Sister Helen’s voice made that sound like a reason for shame. “Ye might be so gifted again this evening.”

“Nay, I think not.” Gabrielle wasn’t sure she’d ever feel the gift again, especially not the gift of a joyful song. No joy could come from the dark sorrow soaking through her being.

They got in line with the others who were already singing the gathering song as they walked toward the meetinghouse. Gabrielle didn’t join in at first, but when she noted Sister Helen’s eyes upon her, she opened her mouth. The words came of their own will from long years of habit. They had nothing to do with the thoughts in her mind.

Habit carried her through the night as she dutifully sang and labored the songs. She even tried to listen when Elder Caleb spoke, but though the words met her ears, she didn’t hear.

Some of the Believers touched her during the meeting and offered a quiet word of encouragement, for they knew she’d been the one to find Esther. Gabrielle received their touches, but they didn’t reach into the darkness inside her. They were kind, but they forced no answering touch of life to flow back from her to them. Even as she sang the song begging for faith to put all that was carnal away from her, she knew the touch she longed for.

But she wouldn’t allow herself to think about him. Not during meeting. She couldn’t remember ever wishing meeting would end as she did now. Usually meeting filled her with peace and renewed love for her brothers and sisters. But on this night she couldn’t fill up with the blessings of the meeting or receive the balls of love from heaven. Her spirit was drained. It was as if she’d been yanked out of the simple world she knew where she’d gone forth in exercising the songs and loved so easily and been dropped in a strange new place where everything looked the same and sounded the same yet was so different.

Not only did Becca’s and Esther’s absences haunt Gabrielle, but where once she’d seen only unity and contentment at the meetings, now she saw doubts and pain in many of the faces around her as they went through the exercises of their worship. She saw how some of the sisters’ eyes sought out their husbands among the brethren. She noticed the times when the mothers would find reason to drift in among the children and the special smiles that lit their faces when the children exercised their songs. She recognized the strain on many of the faces as they struggled to do what they couldn’t do any more than Esther had been able to.

Still there were many who were truly content. They’d found the perfect peace all sought. If they’d ever known struggles, they’d conquered them and put them behind them. Gabrielle’s eyes went to her mother, Sister Martha.

Sister Martha felt her look and raised her head with a smile. She’d aged little in the time they’d been with the Believers. Rather, her face had filled out and brought her an illusion of youth.

Sister Martha stood up and made her way across the floor. Gabrielle watched her and thought how odd to know one’s mother as only a sister.

Even after her mother touched her and spoke softly to her, Gabrielle felt no return of their past relationship. She felt no nearer her than any of the other sisters who had offered their encouragement and love during the evening.

“I’ve been praying for you, Sister Gabrielle,” her mother said.

“I need your prayers,” Gabrielle responded humbly.

“Yea, I know, my sister. There have been many moments of trouble in my life, but they have now all passed away from me. They can for you too if you appeal to Mother Ann.”

Gabrielle spoke before she thought. “Do you ever think of the time before we joined the Believers, Mother?” It was the first time she had called Sister Martha mother in years. The word sat oddly in the air between them.

It was a long moment before Sister Martha answered. “The past is gone from us, Sister. We have only the present and the future.”

“Can we ever put aside the past completely?” Gabrielle said.

Sister Martha backed a few steps away from her as if to keep Gabrielle’s doubts from touching her. “I have already,” she said firmly before she went back to her place across the room. She had no desire to be pulled into Gabrielle’s troubles.

Gabrielle was relieved when at last meeting was over. She followed Sister Helen meekly to their room to prepare for bed. Helen’s words of reproof bounced against her ears. Whenever the woman paused to take a breath, Gabrielle said, “Yea, Sister Helen. I will try.” But she couldn’t have said five minutes later what she’d promised to try to do.

At last Sister Helen’s light snores replaced her words, and Gabrielle let out a long sigh. It was only August. She was to be watched until the middle of January. The days and weeks stretched out before her in endless misery. What had she tried to tell Esther? That there could be good in the future if only she looked. Was that just yesterday? It seemed a lifetime ago.

Now she herself needed help. The doubts were strong inside her, too strong to be pushed aside or hidden in a dark corner of her mind to be faced on another day. They were before her now and she had to deal with them.

Doubt. There could be no doubt if faith was strong enough. The elders were always saying that was so, saying doubt should be pushed from one’s mind like the finger of Satan it was. And she’d not doubted before. Not before the fire. The fire had brought the doctor, and the doctor had brought questions. Was he right? Did the Lord intend men and women to marry? To go forth and be fruitful? Or did he intend some of them to live in perfect peace and harmony as brothers and sisters?

Marriage caused strife among God’s children. She’d been witness to that truth between her own parents. There had never been peace between them. Suddenly Brice’s voice was in her mind asking, but had there ever been love?

Gabrielle didn’t know. She’d never seen love between them, but perhaps when their marriage was new there’d been love. Love didn’t bring peace anyway. She was proof enough of that. She finally knew the love she’d heard the other sisters speak of. It wasn’t a brotherly love that tore at her and made her want to forget her faith. Nay, there was no peace with this love.

The voice was speaking quietly in her mind again.
“That
is because you deny the love.”

Then all the voices came. Elder Caleb’s told her to give her heart to God. Sister Mercy reminded her that the soul that suffers becomes stronger. And all the others who’d offered her advice and love. They whirled about in her mind until they became just a great clamor and made no sense at all.