The Pages We Forget (8 page)

Alex could take no more. He grabbed the keyboard and slammed it against the wall. “You would still be June Thomas without him!
You're who you are now because I was there for you! Not him! And I'm here now, Junie! Right here!”

“This isn't about you, Alex, so why are you acting so damn stupid?”

“Why isn't it about me? I'm here, Junie! Do you see me?”

June wasn't blind and she wasn't trying to ignore Alex, but her mind and eyes were on the three pages of sheet music to “Because I Love You” on the floor next to his foot.

“Oh, and for your information,” he offered as advice, “this song sounds like shit!”

June dove on the floor and grabbed one of the pages, but Alex quickly snatched it from her hand and put his foot on the other two pages.

“Give it here!” June tried to snatch the page out of Alex's hand. “It's not yours.”

“I want to hear you say, I love you, Alex,” he implored her.

“Give it to me, you son-of-a-bitch!” Her eyes were wild as she tried her best to get the page out of his hand.

“Tell me you love me and not him,” he demanded.

June charged into Alex, grabbed him around the waist then pushed him into the mixing board. Alex fell on the floor, hitting his knee against the chair. She fell on top of him, her only concern being the precious item in his grasp.

“It's mine!” June fought, scratching Alex's hands and ripping his shirt to get the page out of his hand. Alex pushed her off him and grabbed the other two pages off the floor and hurried to his feet.

“Does he mean that much to you?” he asked her. “Does he?”

“No, he doesn't,” June tearfully responded. “I love you, Alex. I've told you that a hundred times. Now please give it to me.”

“Do you love me as much as you love him?”

“Please, Alex, don't do this.”

“I need to know now, Junie. Do you love me as much as you love him?”

June turned away. She always knew that one day he was going to ask this question and she wouldn't be able to answer it. At least not truthfully.

“Do you?”

She didn't want to hurt him any more than he was already hurting, but she couldn't tell him another lie. Too many lies had already been told. The answer to his question was abject silence.

Alex balled the pages up and threw them on the floor before he turned and limped toward the door. He had finally allowed himself to ask the question that had crossed his mind daily for the past ten years. He desperately wanted to know whom she loved more, but he'd been too afraid of the answer. He turned around and watched as she gathered the pages from the floor, straightened them out, and put them in their proper order. She didn't seem to notice the hurt in his eyes as she ironed the wrinkles out of the pages with her fingers. “Because I love you,” he whispered to her, backed away and out of the room.

“Because I Love You” was the only song she wrote that she didn't include on the CD.

•  •  •

“Everybody take thirty. Better yet, go ahead and take an hour for lunch,” Alex told the crew working on the video to the CD's title track, “The Pages We Forget.”

Everyone made their way toward the door that led to the lounge, where a catered lunch of hoagies and various types of salads was set up.

Leatrice, the video's art director, was standing behind Alex. She walked onto the set after the stage area was clear.

“Leatrice, can I talk to Junie alone?” Alex asked.

“Sure, but give me a minute to check on my girl.”

June and Leatrice sat on the bed. They became close friends seven years ago when Alex hired Leatrice as the art director for the first music video from June's second CD. June and Alex liked her work so much they brought her on as art director for their movie projects and for all of June's music videos. Leatrice also created June's signature fashion style—elegant, yet daring designs in eye-catching colors. Her unique look was often imitated.

They were best friends from the start because Leatrice was a good listener. Leatrice felt that beneath the enchanting voice and the glamorous image, there lived a woman who believed her life was ruined. She had listened and heard the words that June didn't always speak. When June was finally able to talk about the morning Keith left her standing on his parents' front porch, she told Leatrice how she hoped Keith would tell her why he ran away. And she told her how Keith ran when he saw her. She even mentioned how her tears would not stop falling. When June had finished telling Leatrice all of this, Leatrice reached for her hand and smiled understandingly. She didn't say anything. Still, June believed that somehow Leatrice had also heard the words, “Please don't,” echo down the staircase, even though she kept that part of the story to herself.

“Are you all right?” Leatrice asked.

June wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to speak. She was too choked up to respond, so she forced a half-smile.

“Everything's going to be fine,” Leatrice promised. “As soon as you're done shooting this video, we can take care of that other matter. So, don't give up.”

Meanwhile, it was Alex who wanted to give up. Each day he was more distressed and fed up, but the thought of not having her in his life was even more unbearable. There was so much he loved about her. Her unquenchable passion. Her beauty. Her amazing voice. He loved her smile and the softness of her lips. The heart-shaped birthmark on the back of her right thigh. And her sense of humor before she started recording
The Pages We Forget.
He even loved her frailty at that very moment.

“What can I do to help?” he asked from the director's chair.

“I'll talk to you later,” June told Leatrice.

“Are you sure you're okay?”

“I will be,” June answered.

“Be strong,” Leatrice encouraged as she walked off set.

“What can I do to make this easier for you?” Alex asked from the darkness as soon as he heard the door close behind Leatrice. June could barely see his face from where she sat on the bed, but she knew he was having as difficult a time with the video as she was. He was furious when he first learned that her concept for the video was to recreate the night she made love to Keith. Whether it was jealousy or the insane need to be there with her, he insisted on directing the video. June objected. Bernard warned. And Leatrice pleaded. But all to no avail.

Now, he wished he had listened.

“Talk to me, Junie!”

“I'm sorry I put you through all this.” She pulled the comforter tighter around her. Her apology sounded sincere, so he softened his tone. He was willing to do anything to find a way to be closer to her when he felt she needed him most.

“Junie, I'd do anything for you. I'd find a way to walk across the sun if that's what you needed me to do. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, Junie.” He stared into her tear-filled eyes. “It doesn't
matter what it is. Whenever you need me, I'll be there. Always.”

“I know, Alex. I know.”

“Then why won't you talk to me?”

“I can't. At least not now.”

“Why not now?”

“I just can't,” she cried. “Please, Alex. Believe me, if I could tell you now, I would.”

“What am I up against, Junie?” Alex begged. “What is it about him?” He wanted to run to her, take her in his arms, hold her and make her world right, but he needed to know the answer to his question first. “What did he do to you or give you or say to you that I haven't?”

“This isn't about him, Alex!”

“Stop lying!” Alex marched on the set. “Don't try to tell me this isn't about him. He's the reason you did this album. And he's the reason we're standing in this room now.”

June stood and tried to walk away, but Alex grabbed her by the arm. “Let go of me,” she snapped.

“Not until you tell me what's going on.”

“You're hurting me, Alex.”

“I want to know and I want to know now! Sit down!”

June reluctantly sat down on the bed.

“I'm sorry about grabbing you. I'm sorry about a lot of things right now,” Alex said and walked over to the window. “But I know you, Junie. And I know that something's not right. You're not yourself, baby. If it's me, I mean, if you want me to leave, all you have to do is tell me. It'll probably kill me, but I'll go if that's what you really want. But if you want me to stay, Junie, you've got to trust me enough to talk to me and tell me what's happening with us.”

“Alex, you already know what I want,” she said. “I'm not with you because I have to be. I'm here because I love you.”

“Do you?” Alex turned and stared out the window as the last drops of water dissipated from the glass pane.

June walked over to the window and stood behind him. “I know this is hard for you, but it's hard for me, too.” She put her hand on his shoulder. With her other hand, she reached for his hand. He stepped away from her.

“Why?” he asked. “I need to know why.”

“Baby, I wanted this album to be about me. Just me,” she explained. “It's about who I was before I spent the night in this room. I wasn't afraid of letting my heart feel how it feels to really love someone and to have someone love you back. I believed in miracles back then. I could do anything. If I dreamed it, then I could do it. This is about needing to find that person again while I still can.”

“But without me?” he asked.

June reached out to him again. This time he didn't move, but he kept his hands out of her reach. She placed one of her hands on his shoulder and the other on his chest. She looked in his eyes and saw his unquestionable love for her. She saw the nights he sat up until morning watching over her so she could sleep without the nightmares after a stalker took a shot at her during a concert in St. Louis. She read the words, “I love you,” that he wrote on Post-It notes and placed around the house, in her traveling bags and on the stage before every concert. He loved her and she knew it.

“Never without you,” she answered and kissed him softly.

“Never?” he asked.

“Never.”

(lyrics and arrangement by June)

I can't believe what I'm feeling.

I'm feeling like I've been your fool.

All taking and no giving,

you didn't love me by the rules.

But no matter what I'm feeling,

you're still the perfect man for me.

So, I'm gonna keep on trying.

I need you so desperately.

CHORUS:

There's gotta be a reason;

a reason you don't love me.

I know there's gotta be a reason;

there's just gotta be.

We shared a heated passion.

Your sweet embrace kept my fire burning.

I'm guessing that's the reason,

that for your love, my heart keeps on yearning.

You told me you loved me.

But your actions say it was a lie.

I never was a beggar,

so please don't make me lose my pride.

CHORUS

(MUSICAL BRIDGE)

There's nobody out there,

who's gonna love you like I do.

And you'll never find someone

who's more right for you.

CHORUS

(repeat to fade)

Six weeks and two days.

That's all it took to write and record June's new CD, and she insisted her label release the CD within a month of its completion. The executives at Antmar Entertainment were shocked by her demand. Some even felt it was an impossible task without any marketing campaigns in place or advanced publicity, except for the blaring tabloid headlines prompted by her absence from the Academy Awards ceremony. But, June was used to getting what she wanted from the company, and this request would be no exception.

Her plan was simple. She would write and record the CD, shoot a video for the title track, then cross her fingers and hope and pray that Keith heard the CD or saw the music video for the title song. There would be no concerts, touring, guest appearances, or magazine and television interviews.

Of course, this plan met with a lot of opposition.

Bernard was the first barrier.

“It's not going to happen like that, Junie,” he said as they sat at her kitchen counter the morning after she recorded “A Song Still Unsung,” the last of the CD's fourteen songs. “You're going to have to bend some.”

“Why?” she asked. She set her glass of apple juice on the counter. “What's that you and Alex always preaching? Oh yeah. Remember,
Junie, no matter how big you get, it's always about the music.” She placed a sarcastic tone in the words that were told to her. “If it's always about the music, why can't I simply record the album and let that be enough?”

“You already know why,” Bernard replied. He stopped jotting notes on the yellow pad and laid the pen on the counter. “When I said that, I was talking about composing and singing, because regardless of how personal recording this CD was for you, releasing it is business.”

“Well, I'm tired of the business. I've recorded the album, and I've shot a music video to go with it. That's going to have to be enough,” she snapped. “I'm done! Through! I can't do this anymore, Bernard. I can't!”

“Why?”

June hesitated. She knew she could trust Bernard with her secret. He wouldn't tell Alex, but he would find a way to talk her into telling him. She met Bernard, who was Alex's roommate and best friend, shortly after she met Alex. Since the beginning, Bernard had managed hers and Alex's careers. He was their third partner in White Flowers Entertainment. He was also Trevor's godfather, and next to Leatrice, June's most trusted confidant.