The Passionate Mistake (19 page)

She barely even knew Luke, caught in the midst of his morose and largely silent teenage years. Who could guess what kind of guy lurked in there behind the sulky demeanor? They had spoken to each other more in the past two hours than in the whole year previously.

“I’ve got her old cookbooks,” said Janet, “but I don’t really know what she liked to cook. Dad won’t talk about her to me. You know what he’s like.” Kate nodded and said nothing. She did indeed know what Dad was like. A bear with a sore head if anyone mentioned Mum, even after all these years. He had never got over it, never let go. His and Mum’s bedroom was exactly the same as the day she died. As if his life had never moved on.

Kate paged reverently
through the books Janet brought out. She was surprised how many recipes she remembered. She hadn’t realized she had such memories stored away.

“This one here, M
um always used to replace the orange with pineapple,” she said, stroking a fingertip over the old-fashioned printing of the color photograph with its slightly odd tints. “She said Luke liked it better. You didn’t like either version actually, Luke. But Mum loved it so she kept making it and saying optimistically that you would learn to like it. Then she’d bribe you with Lemon Jumbles for dessert, to get you to eat it all. And she made this steamed pudding all the time. It would be bubbling away on the stove when we got home from school. You could smell the golden syrup when you walked in the door.”

“Are we going to make a pudding?
” asked Janet. “Hey, we should make a Mum-style feast.”

“Sure. W
hy not? Though I bet we’ll have to do some grocery shopping. If I know Dad the cupboard will be bare.”

It was, and
the fridge too; empty except a couple of forlorn boxes of cereal. If food had once been the language of love in this house then there certainly wasn’t enough love to go around these days, Kate thought grimly. Nothing but a freezer full of frozen ready meals. But she pasted a smile on her face and set to making a huge list of things for them to buy at the shops.

Luke
climbed into the back of the car to join them for the ride to the mall, immediately deserting them to meet up with some friends. “I’ll see you back home. I’ll make my own way.” Kate let him go with a shrug. It was a bit much to ask a teenage boy to enthuse over cooking with his sisters. But Janet hugged her arm and then danced away down the supermarket aisle, obviously pleased and excited, a vivacious, sunshine girl. Much more so than Kate, though Mike had called her that. Janet was so like their mother.

Her delight in the shared activity
made Kate feel guilty, to think how little she had sought out her siblings since she moved out. She could change that, though. She could make the time. It was important to her.

A monthly get-together was no huge stretch. Thi
s shared meal would be lovely, though Kate must do her best to ensure work was not discussed at the dinner table. Not only did such conversation leave out Janet and Luke, it was almost certain to make things tense.

To start herself out on the right foot, she pumped
Janet for information on what was going on in her life right now, earning a glowing description of Janet’s new boyfriend, a sly hint at a satisfying sex life that made her wince, but also hearing about the papers she was to study at uni, which of her friends would be attending too, the scholarship for textbooks she had just missed out on, and a half dozen other minutiae of Janet’s existence.

It was refreshing, reassuring to hear everything was so normal for her. And although their choice of major was radically different,
it gave her a warm glow to think of sharing student life with her sister. Hopefully she’d be back there soon herself, with a part-time job on the side to pay the bills, though it would be a wrench to leave the excitingly practical experience of working for DigiCom and return to the more esoteric and theoretical world of academia.

They talked, they shopped, they returned home with bags crammed full of ingredients and supplies bought with Kate’s
healthy bank account. She had splurged a little, out of guilt for the news she was going to break to Dad and Damian tonight.

W
hile she dreaded the conversation itself, the feeling of relief at the prospect of honesty made her certain her choice was right.

If only she could apply the same clarity to the situation with Mike. The closest she was going to get in that area was to quit working at
DigiCom, but keep dating Mike as herself. If he never found out the truth – and she could only trust neither Damian nor dad would ever hint at it in the future when they met Mike – perhaps she could get away with it. Perhaps she could give her relationship with Mike a proper chance.

It was hard to draw a line under working for
DigiCom, though. Apart from the enjoyment of being there, Uni didn’t start again for almost two months, so when exactly should she quit? The longer she stayed, the more she would have saved to survive on while she looked for a part time job and studied.

“Why the long face, Kate?” asked
Janet as she broke eggs into a bowl in preparation for making Mum’s chicken schnitzel.

“Nothing important,” said Kate, putting a couple of pieces of bread into the blender to make breadcrumbs. “I was just thinking over a conversation I have to have with dad tonight.”

“Really? That would give me a long face too. Dad’s been super grouchy these past few months. Is it money troubles? I kind of get the feeling it is.”

“It’s nothing you need to worry about, at any rate.”

“Well maybe not, but I’ve been thinking about him paying for my fees and I reckon I can about cover it myself, you know? I’ve been saving for years now, all that babysitting and tutoring money. Well, most of it, anyway. And maybe I’ll get a student loan too. That’ll take care of the shortfall. Maybe it’s finding that money that has him stretched.”

Kate
opened her mouth to try and soften things for Janet, to tell her everything was okay and she mustn’t worry, Dad could take care of it. Then she hesitated.

It was right
Janet should stand on her own two feet and make a mature decision like this. Kate, Damian, Dad, they had all been carrying the burden of raising and worrying about Janet and Luke, trying to make up for the loss of Mum and the overburdening of Dad as a single parent who was busy trying to run a company and earn a living while he brought up four children. But they were grown now, or the next best thing to it.

It would do
Janet good to be independent. At her age Kate had gone to work for the company full time, and what a baptism by fire
that
had been. If she had thought Dad domineering, loud and sometimes cruel at home, he was even worse at work, trying to mould her into the perfect little tool. She had worked like a dog, earned a pittance, been shouted and sworn at. She had been strengthened by the experience. It hadn’t broken her.

Or
maybe it had bent her a little; enough to be manipulated and bullied into industrial espionage. But by comparison, for Janet to have three years paying for herself while she earned a degree was no great injustice. And maybe a relief from the pressure would make Dad more civilized, more human, like the man he had once been. That would be better for all of them.

Besides,
Janet was likely to work harder and value the education more if it was her own money she was spending.

“Hey, I think that’s a great idea!
You go girl!” she exclaimed, dropping the flattened, floured chicken into the beaten eggs with a faint splat.

“Yeah, well, that’s what I’m thinking,” said
Janet, looking pleased. “Do you want me to mix up the batter for the Golden Syrup Pudding now?”

“
That’ll work. I’ll finish these, then they go in the fridge to rest, and I can make the coleslaw.” Kate was conscious of a feeling of lightness, of relief. Puzzled, she tracked it to its source, and discovered it was the realization she wasn’t responsible for Janet anymore. Until that burden was gone, she hadn’t realized how it weighed on her. Only Luke left now. And perhaps with only one, nearly full-grown son left on his hands, Dad could do the parenting alone and Kate needn’t feel guilty. Maybe she had discharged her duty.

Which only helped her feel better about the conversation she was planning for after dinner.
More justified in her decision. She was still nervous, but even more certain she had right on her side.

Chapter
Nineteen

“So, what is it you want to talk about? Have you found something?” Her father’s eyes gleamed and he sat forward in his chair, whiskey glass pressed between his palms.

“Not as such, no.” She hesitated, gaze flicking over the dusty shelves of his crowded study rather than meet that eager expectancy. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath to steel herself, then dived right in. “Dad, I think the idea of stealing software designs stinks. I should never have said yes to it. I feel really bad –”

“This
is not just about how you feel,” he interrupted. His voice hardened, grew cold. “This is about the future of this family, my girl.”

She fought her instinctive interpretation: that she was contemptible and selfish to focus on her own wellbeing.

Dad, I know things are tough right now –”

“Do you? Do you
really
?” His lip curled in a faint sneer. “What on earth can you possibly know about tough? You have no idea what it is to lie awake at nights, wondering how you’re going to feed your family.”

She was horrified
he thought things at Techdos had reached that point. When had that happened? Surely she hadn’t been out of touch so long? “That will never be an issue. Come on Dad. I’m never going to let you guys starve. I don’t have to go back to uni just now. I’ll go to work. Outside our company, I mean. I’ve got a great CV, with all those competition wins. I’ll find a place, no sweat. I’ll make sure we’re all fed.”

“Food isn’t enough. We have to think about the future, too. Janet is all ready to start
uni next year. What will you say to her? You’ll say your feelings are worth more than her education? More than a lifetime of opportunity and open doors for her?”

But
as he switched so quickly from one threat to the next, from starvation to the damage to Janet’s future, he lost her. She realized he was pulling out guilt tactics to try and herd her where he wanted her to go. But he had already used this argument on her when he talked her into the attack on DigiCom in the first place. It convinced her that time, but she’d had a while to mull it over and it wasn’t so persuasive the second time round.

“
I’ve talked it over with her already. She has savings, and she can get a student loan-” Her eyes were narrowed as she watched this man whose vision of the world had ruled her for so many years.

“And start her professional life with a mountain of debt?” He was working up to a fine head of steam now, his face growing redder, his hands clenching and unclenching around his glass. Kate
tried to keep her cool, though she felt the stirrings of her own temper, an instinctive response to his choler that was hard to quell. “No daughter of mine-”

“Or she could get
a part-time job,” she fired back. “Like
I
did. She could even wait a few years and work before she starts study. I did that too. It didn’t do me any harm. In fact I think I’m better for some time in the wider world outside school. It’s not like I stopped learning while I worked for Techdos. There are courses and books and –”

“And you’re years behind your peers. You’re missing out on those friend
ships, that feeling of equality–” But here he made another mistake, trying to make her feel sorry for herself. She had nothing but pride for what she had achieved. And it outraged her he should imply pity for her when he had never cut her a moment’s slack on Techdos deadlines or demands so she could focus on her studies or social life.

“No, I’m not,” she cut him off, coming to her feet to glare down at him.
“I’m happy. Or I was. And those peers? I was doing better than all of them. I was
leading
my class. My lecturers and tutors were talking about the Frater Prize, and I’d only completed my first year. Do you have
any idea
how exceptional that is? What that meant about the quality of my work? I told you, but you weren’t interested in that. I was happy. But you didn’t hesitate to pull me out, did you?”

She remembered his emotional manipulations, leaning on her at the end of the final semester to go start work at
DigiCom, to move beyond the internet-based attacks she had tried from outside the company at his behest. He had talked about how her family needed her, how desperate things were for the future of the company, so as soon as the semester finished and study leave began she applied for a post at DigiCom, fitting in her exams in fake ‘sick leave’ time, working full time and studying in the evenings.

A person with less mastery of the syllabus
might have failed. Let alone the stress her false role had laid on her life, just when she needed to be calm and focused. She hadn’t applied for the Frater prize in the end.

“
What was my education worth then?” she accused him. “What about
my
prospects? If I had won that prize I could walk into any software company in the country and named the price of my employment. But did you care about that?”

“You’ll work for us. Prizes don’t matter. We’d hire you no matter what.”

“It mattered to
me
, Dad. It was important to me.” She choked back those wretched, inconvenient tears. This was no time for sorrow to break through the anger. She refused to give him an edge. “And maybe I don’t want to work for you after all.”

“What are you saying?”
His bushy brows almost met the top of his nose now.

“I
t’s time I was more independent. I don’t agree with the choices you’re making. I don’t want to be part of them.”

“But we’re
family
. You can’t walk away from that.”

“I’m
hoping I don’t have to. I’m hoping I can be my own person and still have my family.”

“Don’t count on it,” he ground out.
“Don’t count on us being there for you when you refuse to stand by us in our hour of need.”

“I’m still here, dad. I’m still standing next to you
. But I won’t steal for you, and I won’t work for you either. I’m done with that. I’m not you. I’m myself. I need to make my own decisions, for myself.”

“You are
despicable
. How can you say this to me? To
me
! After all I’ve
done
for you. You
insolent
, ungrateful
bitch
!”

She stared at him, stunned. He was almost gibbering with rage,
leaning forward in his chair to spit the words at her, his hands shaking so the whiskey danced in his glass.

“Dad!” she said in reproach.

“Get out. Get out get out GET OUT!” He stood as he spoke and came towards her with an arm raised threateningly.

She didn’t wait to find out if he would actually hit her for the first time in her life. She backed away, turned and fled down the hall and into the lounge, where Janet and Luke were draped over the couch texting and Damian was watching TV. He glanced up as she entered, greeting her with a casual
: “Hey,” before returning his attention to the screen. She went and sat next to him, near enough their knees and the backs of their wrists touched, and leaned her head in even closer so the others couldn’t hear her.

“Dad just totally blew u
p at me,” she said, reaching for the comfort of their bond.

“He’s pretty stressed out right now. Don’t worry about it.”

“I thought he was going to hit me.” This was so outrageous she was still shaking with the impact of the threat.

“I’ve thought that a time or two. It passes. He gets over it.”

She took a breath. A second one, astonished and creeped out that he dismissed the idea so casually. How could it not be a big deal to him? “I hope so,” she said slowly, frowning at him, her gaze intent on his face. “I told him I wasn’t going to steal that software for him. Or work for him.” At that she finally had his full attention.

He turned his whole body towards her,
his brow lowering, a younger version of Dad. “Say what?”

She found herself sidling away a couple of inches on the couch, still close enough to talk quietly, but not close enough to touch.

“I don’t want to do it. The boss of the company – Mike – he’s a really solid guy. I like him. I don’t want to screw him over.”

She watched his face cloud
more, the similarity to their father growing even stronger so her heart sank with dread. “So you’ll screw us instead?” he hissed, and she watched the hands on his knees curl into fists. “Kate, we
need
that software. Otherwise the company’s going to go under.”

“Look, if the
company’s not viable on its own then maybe it’s time to call it a day. Start doing something else.”

He went white around the lips. “That’s my inheritance. I’m not giving it up.”

“I’m not asking you to. But if the only way you can keep it is to cheat and steal, is it really worth it?”

“What’s made you so high and mighty all of a sudden?”

In his voice she heard the same sneer she had just heard their father use, and it chill
ed her to the bone. She assessed him for the first time as if he was a stranger. He was her twin, her brother, the other half of herself.

But suddenly it was a half she didn’t like.

“I don’t feel high and mighty,” she said in flat denial. “But I do feel like I’ve been listening to someone other than Dad, for once. And like I’m giving myself space to think, too. And that’s given me a chance to reconsider –”

“Listening to someone else? Would that be Mike, then?”
He twisted the name with contempt.

She took a deep breath, her nostrils flaring. When he spoke like that she didn’t want to tell him anything, but she wasn’t about to lie, either.
“Yes. We’ve become close –”

“Talk about not
wanting
to screw him. You
are
screwing him!” he made the intuitive leap, and she bit her lip, a sign he read unerringly. “You are! His
cock
’s worth more to you than your
family
!”

He shouted the last.
She cast a look at Janet and Luke who were gaping at them in astonishment, then stood and took a step back, putting a real distance between them, an echo of the chasm she could feel yawning in her heart. She didn’t want to have this conversation in front of the teenagers but she would
not
be made to feel ashamed of caring for Mike, nor to act as if she was.

“Who I sleep with is
none
of your business –”

“It is when it’s family business,
Kate. You’ve made a mistake.” His tone was heavy with foreboding.

“Maybe I have.
” She couldn’t deny what she’d thought so often, but the mistake was not in loving a good man. It was in trying to deceive him in the first place. “If so I’ll just have to live with it.”

“It doesn’t have to be.
” Now his expression lightened as a new thought occurred to him. He offered it to her like it was a chance at redemption. “You can turn this to your advantage. I bet he keeps all his work at home, and doesn’t bother about the same protections as the office. You can hack in–”

“
Damian
! I can’t do that! Not to someone I’m . . .” she trailed off, trying to find the right word. This was not the time to talk about love. But even if she and Mike had been only sexually involved and deeper feelings not a consideration, how could Damian suppose she would act like that? What was wrong with him?

“You think he’s important? You think sleeping with him makes him something specia
l? It’s never going to work out,” he taunted her cruelly. “You
lied
to him. You didn’t even tell him your real name. What’s he going to think of you when the truth comes out?”

“He doesn’t have to know,
” she whispered, feeling the shame of it, of how she’d behaved, hating for Janet and Luke to think she considered that okay.

“Oh yes,
real
special. You’ll just keep right on lying to him. That will make it all better,” he said with devastating sarcasm. “Face the facts, Kate. You could never have a real relationship with him. When he finds out – and he
will
find out – he’ll think you’re revolting.”

“It’s not like I actually
did
anything to him –” she pleaded with him.

“But you were
going
to. That’s enough. Any man, with any sort of pride, won’t forgive a woman who makes a fool out of him. Sleeps with him. Uses him.” This was true. It was all true, on top of everything else she knew about his character. Hearing it said aloud so venomously by her twin was an extra twist to the knife he had placed in her guts.

“
Hopping into bed just makes it worse,” he went on, shaking his head at her. “He’ll
hate
you. And knowing you’re the kind of person who’d do that? He’ll never trust you. How could he? You’re a liar, a cheat and a thief.”