The Pastor's Wife (21 page)

Now she just had to convince Rachel that she wasn’t crazy.

“Trust me. It makes sense to do it this way.”

“You’re sure?” Rachel pressed.

“Positive.”

“Okay,” Rachel nodded. “That's the last you’ll hear from me on the subject. Just promise me one thing.”

“What's that?”

“When it's time for you to move back in with Nick, you’ll hire professional movers.”

Maura leaned forward, joining her friend in a high-five. “Done.”

Pulsating water beat down on Maura's back, easing the muscles in her shoulders. The last few weeks in her apartment had been wonderful. Between work, church, and dates with Nick, her days were full. It was such a treat to have a
place to come home to at night and completely relax. The only drawback was lugging groceries up the stairs. Judging from her aching muscles, she’d done a little too much shopping the day before.

Turning toward the stream of water to wash her face, Maura caught sight of the plastic breast self-exam reminder hanging from the showerhead. She usually did her self-exam on the first of the month, but she’d been so busy she’d forgotten, promising each day to do it tomorrow. Frowning, she realized that tomorrow had come and gone almost two weeks ago.

“Get it over with now,” she muttered.

She raised her left arm over her head and began manipulating her breast tissue with her right hand. As she did so, her mind wandered, ticking off all the items on her to-do list. Granger Community Hospital had booked a cardiac care seminar at the theatre the day before Valentine's Day. She had to remember to check with Rachel and make sure any artery-clogging snacks were removed from the candy counter and stowed out of sight during the event. And there was the youth group …

She lowered her left arm, raising her right and repeated the procedure in reverse.

The youth group had grown to the point where Lainie wanted to refurbish their room at church. It would be nice not only to paint, but to put in some high-tech audiovisual equipment and comfortable places for the kids to lounge. And maybe a snack machine. It seemed there was no way to get them to stop eating in the room, so the group might as well make a little money off it. And then …

Maura stopped short, pulled abruptly out of her thoughts and back to the present. She’d done a breast self-exam every month since she turned twenty-five. She knew the feel and
texture of every inch of herself. But today, something was different.

Something was wrong.

Slowly, she moved her hand backwards. Her fingertips gently kneaded her skin, feeling the tissue beneath. There it was. It was small, but she felt it.

A lump.

She took a deep breath, but the room felt completely devoid of oxygen. She reached behind her, fumbling until she found the lever to turn off the water. Putting a hand against the tile wall, she steadied herself, forcing herself to breathe normally.

Be calm. Be calm.

Repeating the phrase over and over, she pushed the curtain aside, grabbed a towel and stepped out of the shower. She dried off, combed her hair, and got dressed, concentrating on each normal activity, putting off thinking about what she’d just found.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, she looked at the pictures on her nightstand. She and Nick on their wedding day.
Nick, I wish you were with me now.
Her mother and father on their wedding day.

Mom.

Be calm. Be calm.

Her mother had made her promise to take care of herself. “When you’re old enough, do the breast exams and have your mammograms done. If they find it early, it's treatable.” But her mother's cancer hadn’t been found early. And Maura had watched it kill her.

She couldn’t be calm. She couldn’t will herself to hold it together. She couldn’t do this on her own.

Lord, help me. Lord, help me.

Maura felt the panic subsiding. What had she read? Eight out of ten lumps end up being benign. Early detection is the
key. These were good things to hold on to. She couldn’t just sit there any longer. She had to do something.

She reached for the phone to call Nick's cell. She stopped in mid-dial, pushing the end button and breaking the connection. They’d had a wonderful, quiet dinner together the night before, talking about everything, including their schedules. He had meetings all morning. It wouldn’t do any good to call him now.

Opening a small drawer in her nightstand she pulled out an address book. Tears stung Maura's eyes as she stared down at the name on the page. Painful memories assaulted her, drawing her back to another time, another phone call.

With shaking fingers, she dialed the number for Dr. Harris, her old OB/GYN.

D
r. Harris stepped back from the examining room table. “You can sit up, Maura.”

The paper beneath her crackled as she sat up and swung her legs over the side. Pulling the sides of the flimsy gown together in front of her, Maura watched the doctor scribbling on her chart.

After what seemed like an eternity, Dr. Harris put the folder down and turned back to Maura. “You were right to come in. There is a lump. But I don’t want you to panic.” The doctor hurried on, her voice calm and reassuring. “The lump you found is extremely small. It could be nothing more than a cyst. But we do have to take it seriously.”

Maura tried to smile, but her mouth wouldn’t cooperate. Instead, she merely nodded.

Dr. Harris patted her on the shoulder. “Why don’t you get dressed, and we’ll talk about what happens next.”

The doctor left the room and closed the door behind her. Maura didn’t move. Instead, she thought about how she hated doctors’ offices and hospitals.

Maura slid off the table and reached for her clothes. Poor Dr. Harris. She was a sweet person. In her late fifties, the
woman had the demeanor of a favorite aunt, the kind who always has candy in her purse. But she’d been present at the worst moment in Maura's life, and Maura had never wanted to see her again. Yet here she was.

A few moments later she sat on a couch in the doctor's office. Sitting in a chair beside her, Dr. Harris explained the tests ahead of Maura.

“We should have the results of the mammogram and sonogram back in a week.”

Maura took in a deep breath. In a week, she’d know one way or the other. She could do this.

“Thank you, Dr. Harris. That helps.”

The doctor smiled and her eyes crinkled at the corners beneath her blue-rimmed glasses. “I’m glad. But I can’t emphasize enough how important a support system is at a time like this. You need someone to be with you when you go for the tests and while you wait for the results. You are in for a very stressful time.”

Maura bit down on her lower lip. Rachel would drop everything if she asked. But Rachel had her own family to worry about. And she needed to run the theatre while Maura had the tests done. That left only one other person who Maura could ask to take on such a responsibility.

As if reading her mind, Dr. Harris sat forward, her hands clasped in front of her. “You need to talk to your husband.”

Maura opened her mouth to speak, but quickly clamped her lips shut. What was there to say? In the last few months, she and Nick had made huge strides towards mending their relationship. But now, in a time of crisis, all her old fears rushed back. Could she trust him to be there for her? When it came right down to it, Maura still didn’t know if she could depend on him during a crisis.

Dr. Harris looked Maura in the eye. “I never told Pastor Shepherd about what happened. I honored your decision to keep it to yourself because telling him wouldn’t change anything. But this time it can.” Softening a bit, she patted Maura's hand. “I’ve heard through the Granger grapevine that you two are working toward reconciliation. That's good. You need to tell him what's happening with you. Trust me. You need his support now more than ever.”

The rest of the meeting was a blur. Maura collected her papers and appointment slips and left the doctor's office with the woman's advice still ringing in her ears.

It was a fifteen-minute drive from the medical building to Faith Community Church, but to Maura, it could have been an hour. She hit every red light and got stuck behind every slow-moving car and farm truck on the road. As she inched along, she told herself there was no reason to worry. The lump was probably nothing, but even if it was something, she’d caught it early and it could be treated. But what if she had cancer? What would treatment mean?

Images of her mother flickered in her head like scenes on a movie screen. She saw the strong, vibrant woman who raised her, who sang while she worked in the garden and danced spur-of-the-moment jigs with Da. After the cancer diagnosis, all that changed. Maura watched her mother grow increasingly weaker. The chemo and radiation took its toll. The smell of the Irish food she used to love preparing for her husband, like his favorite corned beef, now made her sick. She lost weight, and she lost her hair. She lost her energy and her interest in doing anything other than lie in bed as the television droned on. She would smile weakly whenever Maura came into her room to sit on the bed beside her, but she didn’t have the strength to carry on a conversation. In Maura's strongest memory, she
held her mother's bony hand while Vanna White turned letters on
Wheel of Fortune
. Mom had died the next week.

Behind her, a horn blared. The light had turned green. Jerking her foot from the brake pedal she stomped on the gas, making the car lurch forward through the intersection.

Is that what she had to look forward to? Losing everything that meant anything to her until one day she couldn’t even respond to the people who loved her? And what about Nick? Her Da was a wonderful, loving father, but he’d never been the same after his wife died. If she did have cancer, would Nick go through the same thing?

By the time Maura pulled into the church parking lot, she was a wreck. Her hands held the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip. It was as if she was back on that Ferris wheel, suspended in midair, not knowing when it would start up again or in which direction it would move.

But she couldn’t fall apart now. She forced herself to take deep breaths. She should pray, she wanted to pray, but her mind was such a jumbled mess of emotions she couldn’t put together a coherent thought.

“God, help me,” she whispered. “God, help me.”

Little by little, each tensed muscle in her body relaxed. She looked around the lot, hoping no one had noticed her erratic behavior. Thankfully, the only cars appeared to be those of the staff, parked near the office.

She reached for her purse in the passenger seat, taking a deep breath.
Help me keep it together, Lord.

Walking to the office, Maura distracted herself by focusing on the sights around her. The paint on the corner of the building was peeling, as if someone had run into it with something big and bulky. A soda can lay under one of the bare bushes flanking the office wall. She hoped one of the teens hadn’t left it there.

The teens. How would she tell them the news? And how would they take it if she—

Stop it!

Maura halted abruptly, shaking her head to drive out the tormenting thoughts.
Help me, Lord. Help me think good thoughts. Keep my focus on you.

She grabbed the knob on the office door, slowly pushing it open, and stepped inside. Praise music played softly in the background, competing with the hum of a copy machine in an adjoining room. A large plate of cookies sat on the front desk, permeating the air with the smell of chocolate and vanilla. The sounds and smells wrapped around her, providing a moment of normalcy in the midst of her chaos.

Sitting behind the desk, Pauline Ramirez, the church secretary, looked up from her computer, a smile of recognition on her face. “Hi, Maura. Good to see you.”

Maura forced a smile in return. “You too. Sorry to be blunt, but I really need to see Nick. Is anybody with him?”

Pauline's brow creased slightly. “No, he's alone. Are you okay?”

Maura nodded, fighting back the emotions that threatened to shatter her composure. “I just … can I go in?”

“Sure. I’ll let him know you’re here.” Pauline waved her through, at the same time pushing the intercom button on the phone.

As Maura walked down the hall, she heard Pauline's voice behind her. “Pastor, Maura's here to see you. She's on her way in.”

Nick's office door shot open before she reached the end of the hall. “This is the best surprise I’ve had all day.”

He was so happy to see her, so open and available, it was like a knife to her heart.
Why now?
Why when they were just
starting to put their lives back together did they have to face another crisis? Hadn’t they been through enough?

Maura opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. She felt her lips twist and contort, the corners pulling down into a frown as tears burned her eyes. The smile fell from Nick's face. He reached for her, and she rushed into his arms, letting go of all the sorrow and fear that had gripped her since that awful moment in the shower.

Holding her tightly, Nick led her into his office. He pulled her down next to him on the couch and rocked her.