The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (23 page)

Cynthia, like others, recognized AnnMarie’s talent immediately. She knew her new team member had tremendous potential, and she wanted to help her develop it but did not appreciate AnnMarie’s tendency to criticize designs Cynthia had created. AnnMarie did not take hints from her coworkers or direct instructions from Cynthia to keep her opinions to herself and adopt a posture of learning instead of evaluating her boss’s work. Feeling her design instincts were not appreciated, eventually AnnMarie became so frustrated that she resigned her job, leaving behind a truly wonderful opportunity and a great mentor.

B
UT
I
T
W
AS
S
O
G
OOD

I hope you, like AnnMarie, have been blessed with some truly good relationships and opportunities in your life. Sometimes those valuable relationships last a lifetime—but not always. When they do not last as long as you had hoped, the situation can be disappointing and painful. It can also be confusing because you often wonder how a relationship that once was so right could turn into something so wrong.

The fact is, good relationships can go bad for a variety of reasons. This does not mean they are not genuinely good for a period of time; it simply means they will not be good forever. Sometimes people, like AnnMarie, cost themselves great relationships because they are arrogant, jealous, or immature. Sometimes they fail to see or understand the true value of the relationships they have been
given. Regardless of the many reasons for a separation, we sometimes need to ask or allow someone who has been a valuable or even vital part of our lives to leave the relationship because a once-positive association has become negative.

Regardless of the many reasons for a separation, we sometimes need to ask or allow someone who has been a valuable or even vital part of our lives to leave the relationship because a once-positive association has become negative.

A R
IGHT
R
ELATIONSHIP
G
ONE
W
RONG

Centuries ago, a man found himself in a situation in which a good relationship went bad and did not last. You can read the entire story in the book of Acts, but I’ll summarize it here.

A vicious persecutor of Christians, named Saul, had an amazing encounter with God that blinded him for several days and changed his life forever. He converted from a staunch Pharisee to a sold-out follower of Jesus Christ. He dedicated his life to evangelism, starting churches, and helping individuals and groups of believers follow Christ with ever-increasing passion and maturity.

Because of Saul’s past, many Christians were leery of him after his conversion, perhaps wondering whether or not it was genuine. But a man named Barnabas took Saul under his wing and helped him get started in what became a powerful, world-changing
ministry. Barnabas’s name actually means “encourager” or “Son of Encouragement” (Acts 4:36) and for many years he proved to be a true encourager and a supportive colleague in ministry and friendship to Saul, who later became known as the apostle Paul.

The time came when, after a season of fasting and prayer, the early church in Antioch commissioned Paul and Barnabas to the work of the ministry. They set sail for the island of Cyprus, and Barnabas’s cousin, John Mark, accompanied them. Scripture specifically says John Mark went with them for the purpose of helping them (Acts 13:5). Paul and John Mark likely became acquainted through Barnabas, and the three men spent much time together. John Mark was clearly present during the early days of Paul’s ministry and proved valuable enough to be invited to join Paul’s first missionary journey.

When Paul and Barnabas left Cyprus and traveled to Perga in the region of Pamphylia, the positive relationship between Paul and John Mark turned negative; their association ended—and it ended badly. According to Acts 13:13 in
The Message
, “That’s where John [Mark] called it quits and went back to Jerusalem.”

For years, scholars have studied and debated what caused the breach between Paul and John Mark. A number of dissertations have addressed this issue, offering various theories about why they did not remain friends. No solid conclusions have been reached, but we can make two points with certainty. First, John Mark was the person who left Paul and Barnabas. Apparently he abandoned them of his own volition; it was his choice, not theirs. Second, only Paul, John Mark, and perhaps Barnabas and a few people close to them at the time knew what actually happened. I certainly do not know the details of the rift, but I am sure the dynamics they faced centuries ago were not much different from some of the circumstances you and I may face in relationships today.

HOW TO KNOW WHEN A RELATIONSHIP IS GOING BAD

Because the separation of Paul and John Mark has sparked so much interest among Bible scholars over the years, several predominant theories have emerged about why John Mark left. I want to highlight a few of them because they hold important clues to why this relationship may have fallen apart so long ago. These theories offer important insights into how you can know if a once-good relationship in your life is beginning to turn bad and needs to move toward a close.

A relationship is going bad when someone cannot accept a change in your status.

All new believers need someone to help and encourage them in the faith and to support them as they discover and fulfill God’s purposes for their lives. For Paul, this person was Barnabas. At the beginning of Paul’s experience as a follower of Christ, Barnabas was clearly the leader—the experienced Christian who could help Paul get established in his new way of life and in the ministry to which he was called. Barnabas was the one who introduced Paul to the apostles in Jerusalem, allowing him to build relationships that became extremely important in later years. He also recruited Paul (still called Saul at that time) to the work of the ministry in the early church at Antioch and verified to others the quality and integrity of his work.

In the early stories of their association, the Bible lists Barnabas’s name first, giving him a place of honor in the story of their mission of mercy in Jerusalem and on their evangelistic tour on Cyprus (Acts 11:30; 13:2). Then suddenly the biblical accounts no longer mention “Barnabas and Saul,” but refer to “Paul and his
companions” (Acts 13:13). Clearly, Paul has not only changed his name from Saul, but the change in the order of their names infers that Paul has also taken the lead over Barnabas. This is a significant shift because it reflects Paul’s new position in ministry, emphasizing his leadership and growing influence.

When Paul’s status changed and he moved from being a follower to being a leader, John Mark may have been jealous or resentful on Barnabas’s behalf. As long as Barnabas was in charge, John Mark could have felt special or secure because of their family relationship and their history together. But when Barnabas appeared subordinate to Paul, John Mark seemed to have a problem. Interestingly, we see no indication that Barnabas resisted or resented his change of position. It may not have bothered him, but did seem to upset John Mark. It’s possible that John Mark was content to be in a relationship with Paul as long as Paul did not overshadow Barnabas, but when the roles changed, John Mark didn’t like it.

These dynamics still happen today. There are people with whom you can have a great relationship as long as you remain at a certain station in life, but when God begins to open doors for you and your status changes, they begin to get nervous, back away, or find reasons not to spend time with you. Your change in status may be something like a raise or promotion at work, a new level of visibility or influence, a new home or car, or some other elevation in status. Changes in status can take place in many ways, and when someone in your life cannot support you through them, rejoice with you, or stay steady in your life, you know that relationship is beginning to sour.

Early in my ministry, I had an opportunity to meet a well-known Christian leader. For several years, I had prayed diligently for God to put me in relationship with key people who could mentor me and help me become everything God wanted me to be. After
a while, I had an unshakable sense that this man was one of those people. I truly believed God wanted to connect the two of us so I could learn from this man and receive important impartations of his wisdom.

When I heard this man was coming to Birmingham on a book tour, I asked my staff to pray with me for an opportunity to meet him. Enthusiastically, they did. I went to his book signing and had a chance to share with him the tremendous impact he had made on my life. Then I took the risk of asking if he would consider mentoring me. He said yes!

Over the following weeks and months, this leader took a personal interest in me and in our ministry. He intentionally shared lessons he had learned, let me know how I could avoid mistakes he had made, and generally poured wisdom and insight into my life as a person and as a pastor. It was exactly what I needed, and I was enormously grateful for such a God-ordained opportunity.

As the relationship continued, I began to implement this man’s advice in the ministry. Then something strange happened. Some of the same staff members who prayed with me for the chance to relate to this leader began to resent his influence. Over time, this man invited me to travel with him and introduced me to several people who became important in taking my ministry to the next level. The relationship was—and remains to this day—a genuine blessing.

This relationship opened doors of opportunity I could never have opened on my own. It gave me exposure and visibility I never could have arranged without this man’s help. It changed my status in ministry in ways that have been 100 percent positive.

But some people on our staff could not see the full picture of the benefits the relationship offered. They did not understand the truth of the saying, “A rising tide lifts all boats.” In other words, as growth took place for me, opportunities for growth and
promotion also existed for them. Instead, some of the staff resisted implementing his suggestions—not because the suggestions were bad but because the people were insecure. They did not want an “outsider” telling them what to do, even though his advice was excellent. Eventually, their fears and issues became clear: they were uncomfortable because they were afraid this man was taking over the ministry. I began to hear rumblings and questions such as, “So is he running the ministry now?” and “Is he going to fire us?”

Those questions could not have been more ridiculous. This man is known as a person who places a high value on loyalty and who has retained some of his own staff members for more than thirty years. Anyone who knows him well realizes his primary desire would have been to help me develop the team I already had, not to eliminate or replace anyone. That was my first experience with seeing how a change in status can affect relationships negatively, but it has not been my last.

Maybe you have had a similar experience. If not, you probably will as you continue to pursue your destiny. Some people will seem to be good friends or coworkers as long as you can give them a ride, lend them money, or keep their children after school. But when something happens and you have to say no to a request because something has changed for the better in your life, especially if you have been granting favors to your friends for a long time, you may be in for a surprising response. They may suddenly lose interest in being your friend or they may find someone else with whom to develop a relationship.

No matter how your status changes, take notice of the way people around you respond to it. Those who support you and celebrate with you are demonstrating the qualities of a true friend. Those who resent the positive developments in your life are likely to cause trouble.

A relationship is going bad when someone cannot accept a change of direction in your life.

In the early days of his ministry, Paul focused on preaching to and teaching the Jews, but later he began addressing the Gentiles with a message of grace instead of legalism. John Mark was a loyal follower of Paul’s as long as Paul preached to the Jews, but when he changed the direction of his ministry, the relationship between Paul and John Mark may have changed as well. Some schools of thought believe John Mark opposed Paul’s “libertine” views toward the Gentiles (not requiring them to be circumcised), as did other conservatives from Jerusalem, and many believe he was part of the group who opposed Paul in Acts 15. Clearly John Mark was not a dedicated member of Paul’s team. He only wanted to associate with Paul as long as Paul’s ideas aligned with his.

A tragic, modern-day story of a person whose life changed direction is Marvin Gaye, the singer-songwriter who gave the world songs such as “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” and the first recording of “How Sweet It Is (to Be Loved by You).”

Marvin Gaye’s father was a minister, and young Marvin first developed his musical abilities in the context of the church. As Marvin grew older and as people realized what an amazing gift he had, he began to branch out into secular music and became highly successful. I should say
many
people viewed him as successful; his father did not. While there were reportedly several sources of disagreement between the two men, some reports say the tension between them originally started because Marvin’s father did not approve of his foray into secular music. Over time, that conflict escalated and became much more complicated, eventually resulting in Marvin’s death. His father killed him, shooting him at close range, in front of Marvin’s mother, in the home Marvin had given to his parents.
¹
For years, the relationship between Marvin and his
father had shown signs of going bad. Most likely, both men would have been better off giving each other some space, even if that meant ending their relationship.

The story of Marvin Gaye and his father is an extreme example of what can happen when one person cannot support a change of direction in someone else’s life. It reveals the importance of being in relationships with people who can embrace and accept you when you move in a direction they may not understand or condone.