The Perfect Life (41 page)

It was there, in the quiet solitude, I was forced to face the man in the mirror. And to be quite honest, I wasn’t sure I liked what I saw.

Thinking back on what Seth had said to me—not only earlier that day, but in the last argument we’d had that ultimately ended things between us—I focused on words like
controlling
,
jealous
, and
selfish.
I never considered myself to be any of those things; after all, I was one of the few good guys left.
Right?

I didn’t drink alcohol, do drugs, gamble, or get in trouble with the law. I didn’t party or involve myself in anything that would tarnish my name or reputation. Whether I was at practice or playing in a game, I gave 110% effort and always supported my teammates. During my off-time, I spent hours upon hours volunteering myself for various charities and children’s organizations, and I did it not because I thought it made me look good, but because it brought me real happiness to help people who weren’t as blessed as I was. Even though I didn’t attend mass as regularly as I had when I was a kid, I continued to have a strong spiritual relationship with God through daily prayer. So how was it Seth, someone who claimed to love me, could say such negative things about my character?

My thoughts turned to the separate relationships I had with him and Monroe, and it was there I began to stumble. There was no question my love for them both was unconditional—different for each, but without qualification nonetheless. The depth of feelings I had for them superseded that of all others, my parents included, which was what made it so hard for me at first to understand why they—Seth and Monroe—were the ones upset and disappointed in me, especially when it wasn’t anything I had done to cause the upheaval.

But as the minutes ticked by and I delved deeper into the dynamic of our threesome, the rose-colored haze started to clear and I was left staring at a seriously dysfunctional picture that centered around me. For years and years, Seth had deprived himself of a serious relationship with either another man or a woman because of his love for me, hanging on to the thread of hope I’d extend each time I felt him slipping away. I wasn’t willing to publicly claim my love for him—even though he’d insisted numerous times that for me, he’d take that leap of faith—and yet, despite my reluctance to give him all of me, I didn’t want him to find a more fulfilling, all-encompassing love with someone else either.

Then, with Monroe, I’d always taken for granted that because of her vile, unspeakable past, she’d always be completely dedicated to me, and me alone. Instead of encouraging her to seek treatment that would help her heal and work through her issues with intimacy like I should’ve done, I was content to keep her broken and vulnerable, so she would be dependent on me and stay by my side. The time she first told me about kissing Oliver, my knee-jerk reaction to make her feel ashamed was solely because I felt threatened she’d find in him what I couldn’t give her. And earlier, when she claimed she loved him, all I could think about was how that affected me and my life, so I mocked her feelings and purposely casted doubt if he really loved her too.

They were right. I was controlling, jealous, and more than anything, a selfish prick. And that wasn’t even taking into account the high-handed, narcissistic way I’d behaved that day with the entire picture-leak disaster. For as much as I claimed to love my wife, not once had I bothered to consider how devastated and violated she must’ve felt as the entire world witnessed a private, intimate moment with someone she loves and then shredded her apart for doing the same thing I had done with Seth hundreds of times. I hadn’t come to her defense. I hadn’t tried to comfort her. All I had done was tear her down even more, because I couldn’t see past how the entire situation screwed with the perfect life I’d created.

Wow. For as much time as I spent being a selfless role model to everyone else around me, I was a complete asshole to the people I cared about the most. The ones who had always sacrificed their own happiness for mine.

Scorching heat surged through my body, my chest tightening and my head pounding, as the overwhelming realizations stormed down on me. A thick knot formed in the back of my throat, woven with fibers of guilt and self-loathing, as beads of sweat dotted my brow. Bile burned as it shot up my chest and, afraid I was going to be sick, I stood up from my bed to head toward the bathroom, but as I did, the strangest thing happened. For whatever reason, I glanced downward, and the old, ragged, black leather Bible I’d kept on my nightstand for as long as I could remember caught my eye, almost as if it was calling out to me.

Reaching out to grab it, I lowered myself back on the mattress and suddenly my stomach settled as I began to cool down. When I set the worn book on the bed in front of me, it automatically opened to where the spine had been creased from the countless number of times I had read the highlighted scripture in the eighth book of John, a series of verses I could recite in my sleep.

“So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed Him, ‘If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’”

I couldn’t begin to tell you how many times in high school and college I’d stayed up late into the night scouring my Bible for verses that would help me understand why I was having the feelings and urges I was having for Seth. All my life, I’d been taught that homosexuality was wrong, one of the dirtiest of sins, so when I began to fall in love with my best friend in a way I’d been told was against God’s will, I naturally panicked, freaked out, and then tried to find an explanation for it other than I was evil. And I always came back to that verse. God’s truth would set me free.

The gender of the person who I loved had no bearing on whether or not I believed Jesus Christ was the Son of God. Sleeping with Seth didn’t mean I lacked faith that he died on the cross for our sins and resurrected three days later, promising to return one day to take His people home. And lastly, wanting to share my life with Seth, both publicly and privately, had no effect on me being a kind, respectable, productive member of society, who spread love and the word of God to others.

Yes, I was also well aware of the passages in the Bible that discussed homosexuality, referring to it as an abomination that deserves the death penalty. That same Old Testament Law Code also included eating pork or shellfish and charging interests on loans as acts punishable by death, which is why in Hebrews it says the old law is obsolete and aging. So what was God’s truth? Did He judge my love for another man differently than He judged people who ate bacon or lobster and those who used credit cards? Would He prefer I live a lie for the rest of my life, pretending to be someone I wasn’t? Because last time I checked, that was a sin too. Or would He prefer I live a life full of love and happiness, spreading His word to those who did not yet believe?

I didn’t know the answers, but the bottom line was I believed the final judgement of what I did on Earth would be between me and my maker when I died, but for my life until that point I hadn’t lived my truth because I was too afraid of what everyone else would think. I thrived on acceptance—from my parents, from coaches and teammates, and from the public—and it was the fear of their rejection that had led me to taking advantage of and hurting the ones I loved, even if it wasn’t my intention.

I’ve always heard of people talking about defining moments in your life, and how you either define the moment or let the moment define you. I’d always thought that the times I was on the football field, making a big play or winning a game for my team, were my defining moments. They showed how well I reacted under pressure; it was how I earned the nickname “Clutch.” But as I sat there on my bed, reading and rereading John 8:31–32, it became clear
this
was my defining moment.

And for once in my life, I was going to come through in the clutch for the two people who deserved it most. And the truth of our marriage was going to set Monroe and Seth free.

“I closed my

eyes

softly and fell

in love with the

way I

remembered you:

body, soul,

and all.”

–Christopher Poindexter

Monroe

DRESSED IN A
gray turtleneck sweater and black wool slacks that matched the dark circles under my eyes, I lumbered down the two flights of stairs from my bedroom to the living room, where Colin, Seth, Barry, and Allison waited for me to go over the details of the press conference that was scheduled to start in twenty minutes. It had been a little over twenty-four hours since the shit hit the fan, and though the last thing I wanted to do was step outside my house in front of millions of people watching online or on TV to judge me even more than they already had, I agreed to do it, because Colin had begged me to be by his side so we could appear as a united front.

We still had yet to talk about what would happen next, regarding our marriage and my relationship with Oliver, but Seth had advised me to give it a few days, until everything calmed down a bit before tackling that hurdle. I missed Oliver incredibly and hated that he couldn’t be with me as I dealt with everything, but I understood why, and for his safety, I didn’t ask him to come back. Though I picked up my phone to do just that at least a dozen times.

“Hey, honey, you look beautiful,” Allison said as she greeted me with a warm embrace.

Seeing her wear a beanie over her bald head made me smile a sad smile, and I hated that my and Oliver’s actions forced her to have to deal with such negative publicity for Mending Hearts. She and I had talked at length the night before when she’d arrived in Boston, and leaving out the Colin-and-Seth portion of the story, I’d told her everything about my and Oliver’s relationship, from the initial connection we’d felt at the MH gala in August, up until the morning before, when Seth had awoken us with the tabloids. Like a good friend, she didn’t pretend to have the answers or guarantee me everything would work out perfectly the way I wanted, but what she did do was truly listen and ensure me that it would all work out the way it was supposed to, and we’d all move forward regardless.

“Morning, Allie,” I replied, attempting a weak smile.

The three men moved toward me simultaneously, each one hugging me good morning. I feebly returned the gesture; my heart really wasn’t into much of anything.

“Do you want a granola bar or something before we get started?” Colin asked, cocking his head in the direction of the kitchen. “I’ll grab whatever you want.”

I shook my head and shifted over next to Seth, who looped his arm around my shoulder. “No, thank you. I’m not very hungry.”

“Okay, Roe. Just let me know if you need anything,” he replied, his harsh tone from yesterday having been replaced by the gentle Colin I remembered.

Barry cleared his throat and stepped toward the center of the room, garnering all of our attention. “All right, I just want to run down what’s going to happen with everyone really quick before we go out there,” he began, quickly glancing at each of us. “There is a small podium with a microphone set up out front. Police officers are stationed around the perimeter of the podium to prevent anyone who decides today is the day to act like a crazy asshole. Colin and Monroe will follow me up to the microphone, and Seth and Allison will stand off to the side, where Mr. and Mrs. Cassidy are already waiting. I will explain to the small city of media that this press conference is basically a statement from Colin and that he will not be taking questions. When Colin finishes speaking, you will all be ushered back inside the house, and the police department will see to it that the area is cleared in a timely manner. Does anyone have any questions?”

We all shook our heads and murmured a cohesive, “No.”

My pulse raced and my palms were clammy. I didn’t know how I could face these people after what they’d seen of me. Suddenly, my turtleneck and long pants didn’t cover enough. I needed a scarf too.

“Excellent.” He smiled and looked over at Colin. “I know you wanted a few minutes alone with Monroe before we start, so I’m going to go ahead and walk Seth and Allison out. I’ll be waiting just outside the front door for whenever you’re ready.”