The Petticoat Men (42 page)

A jolly shoemaker, John Hobbs, John Hobbs

A jolly shoemaker was he

He married Jane Carter, no damsel looked smarter,

But he’d caught a tartar, yes he’d caught a tartar

John Hobbs did he.

He tied a rope to her, John Hobbs, John Hobbs

He tied a rope to her did he,

To ’scape from hot water, to Smithfield he brought her

But nobody bought her, no nobody bought her

They were all afraid of Jane Hobbs, were they!

Oh who’ll buy my wife? says John Hobbs, John Hobbs,

A sweet pretty wife, says he…

While she was singing the front door-knocker sounded loudly – Ma was nearest the door, she sighed but went along the hall. There were voices at the door but we were all listening to Dodo and laughing.

When the visitors appeared not everybody knew who they were but of course I had to go and drop my port on the rug. I bent down quick, the glass hadn’t broken but there was red port everywhere. ‘Sorry, Ma,’ I said, and then I said: ‘Hello, Freddie. Hello, Ernest,’ and then of course Dodo and Elijah and Mackie all understood at once. That these were the two Men in Petticoats.

They weren’t dressed in petticoats but in gentlemen’s attire; they both held top hats in their hands. Ernest had a small moustache but otherwise looked exactly the same. But Freddie looked so different to me. He was fatter and – I dunno – coarser somehow, older, with a beard.

‘Oh,’ said Ernest, almost petulantly. ‘You’ve brought the piano downstairs,’ and I saw him looking at Mackie in his seaman’s clothes with great interest, sort of from under his eyelashes the way he did. ‘I am sure I can guess who did the lifting and carrying!’

Mackie regarded Ernest for a moment and then his voice rumbled out. ‘Where were you when your friend Lord Arthur Clinton died by himself in my village?’ he said without any expression. Ernest’s face went a bit red.

‘I was detained by Her Majesty,’ he said quickly. ‘And anyway I’d hardly seen him for months.’

‘I see,’ was all Mackie answered but you could see Ernest’s bravado was gone.

So far Freddie hadn’t spoken. He looked round at the fire and the glasses and the cards; they must’ve heard Dodo singing. ‘I believe we are interrupting you—’

‘What did you come for, Freddie?’ asked Ma suddenly. ‘After so many months? A room? We have plenty of rooms free. Our house is known as a bawdy house and the headquarters of criminal activities and we get graffiti on the walls so we dont get the customers we used to.’

‘Ma!’ Billy said quickly. He is so fair, my brother, even in everything that had happened to him. ‘That’s not exactly Ernest’s and Freddie’s fault.’

‘Isn’t it? Perhaps someone ought to tell them what’s been going on in the real world since they dont seem to notice it greatly,’ Ma went on calmly. ‘You probably dont know that Billy lost his position in the Parliament because it was known you had a room here. And this is Elijah Fortune, and the lady in the red shawl is his wife Dodo who was once a famous singer and dancer in the music halls and was singing when you arrived.’

Freddie and Ernest stared at the bent woman with the claw-like hands.

‘Elijah was the Head Doorkeeper in the Parliament and he and Dodo had a home there as well, which they have lost. Because Elijah tried to get some money to help Lord Arthur when he was dying.’

‘
Ma!
’ said Billy again.

‘None of that is exactly your fault, and I know that as well as Billy. In fact maybe some of all this is my fault, I never thought the word “naïve” would apply to me, but perhaps I was naïve to take you in; I believed what you told me, you were pleasant gentlemen.’

I blushed, tried to say something, but somehow there was nothing now that could stop Ma and as she stood tall in the doorway it was like – like the parlour was under a spell.

‘I dont blame you or judge you for being different, sodomites, buggers – whatever words are used, we dont judge you on that, and you knew that. I judge you on something else. There is much talk of you being no different from the chirruping gay ladies in some of the theatres and Burlington Arcade – well some of my friends and acquaintances are the gay ladies and the bordello madams of the Strand and the Haymarket, and they are people too, although most of the gay ladies I know carry out their business because they have no choice, no work, not educated and no chances – no food sometimes – no family or loving friends to care for them.’ For a moment she stopped herself. ‘Though I have never for a moment thought you brought any such business to my house, whatever has been said about you.’

‘But.’ She pushed her hair back from her forehead, that way she does. ‘We were not your friends perhaps, but we were your acquaintances, we made you welcome in our own home where we also live, we have given a good account of you to anybody who asked and will continue to do so. We have now lost most of our regular lodgers. We have lost a deal of our income. Billy hates the job he has now when he loved the work he did once. Like Elijah did. Still I cant really blame you for none of this, the world is full of hypocrisy and powerful hypocrites always get their way in this world we have to live in.

‘But Mattie. She cared for you, Freddie, and you knew it.’ All I could feel was my face going red. ‘She stood up in court and spoke for you and she was called a prostitute and a crippled whore and had stones thrown at her outside the court and our house – our home where we live – got SODOMITE LOVERS writ on it in big letters.’

I thought I would faint from embarrassment. Freddie’s face looked shocked, even Ernest looked funny and he said, ‘Is that really what happened?’ in a small voice.

‘Yes,’ said Ma. ‘That’s really what happened. Yet Mattie went to see your father, Freddie, as I am sure you know, and spoke for you in case it would be useful. Most of all she wanted to repay you for your kindness in – in the – sadness that happened to her.’

‘
Ma!
’ I could hardly even whisper the word, I thought I would die of blushing, I wished the floor would open up and swallow me up and still Ma didn’t stop.

‘No doubt she’ll be forced to give evidence for you all over again one day and be called a whore, and more rude words writ on our house. You cant help that either. But it
is
your fault that when Billy and Mattie came to Newgate, brought you fruit and money and proper news of the death of the friend – so proud you was once to be acquainted with him because he was a Noble Lord – you sent a message to say you didn’t know them and for them to stop bothering you – yet they were some of the last people to see him alive.
That’s
what I blame you for. You need to accept that other things have happened to other people as well as to you. And because of you. First you knew that that would hurt Mattie who had been so staunch in speaking well of you. And second you didn’t want to know of a man you once both called much more than your friend as all the world now knows. You were both keen enough on knowing him once, you might at least – even in your own trouble – have asked how he died, poor sad fellow. By himself, in case you’re interested, with not one person by him who cared for him. But decency and loyalty and understanding, and most of all respecting that
other people
have feelings and have had bad things happen to them because of knowing you, does not seem to be part of your exciting world of dressing up and gowns and perfume and larks and balls and loving men. And it is for
that
that I hold hard feelings.’

‘Ma!’ I think I was crying but I got my voice working at last. ‘
Stop!
They couldn’t see us at Newgate, it was too dangerous.’

‘What – you and Billy
dangerous
?
And how did our house become “criminal headquarters” and get SODOMITE LOVERS writ on the wall and us scrubbing it off in the night? By anything you and Billy done? It’s Ernest and Freddie who are dangerous to anyone who knows them, and even to people like Elijah and Dodo here who have lost their whole lives almost – these two people hardly knew you existed!’

‘Ma, they
couldn’t
see us I expect – because Billy and I were’ – I didn’t know how to say it, looked at Billy for words – ‘we were from the world forbidden to them by then, all the fun and the dressing-up and – we were, well you know’ – I sort of nodded at our little piano – ‘the music.’

Ma made an odd gesture of frustration with her hand, and closed her eyes, as if to close out everything and just for a moment nobody spoke in this whole roomful of people whose lives had all changed, and the fire spat.

It was Dodo who finally said something, she said to Ma: ‘Should we perhaps have some cake?’ and she put out one of the hands that were bent like claws and touched Billy’s arm. ‘There is a plateful of cakes in the red cupboard in the kitchen.’ And as we heard Billy’s footsteps going downwards Dodo turned to Ernest: ‘I believe you sing, young man. As you no doubt heard, I was once a singer myself but, as you no doubt could hear also, that was long ago. Could we hear you?’

Ernest looked at Freddie.

Freddie looked at Ma. She gave a tiny nod and said, ‘Sing Mattie’s favourite.’

Ernest looked puzzled but Freddie knew. He put his top hat on the card table, Ernest did the same and touched his own hair fussily, as a woman might. Billy came up the stairs again with the cakes from the red cupboard and Ernest’s sweet voice drifted around us.

When, like the early rose

Eileen Aroon…

That song I loved.

And as the verse finished Freddie stopped playing suddenly. I saw his rougher hands, which he had once manicured so carefully while he was laughing and preening, lying quite still now on the piano even as the last notes still echoed and he began speaking, but he didn’t look at any of us.

‘We came to say how sorry we are that everything we did has rebounded on the people who were kindest to us. Not for what we did, but for what happened to you because of it. Mattie is right – it hasn’t been safe for us – for the court case that must eventually be heard in whatever form – to see you or to come here or talk of Lord Arthur. I could have written a letter, but now we know how private letters can be used in evidence against us. We are warned that we have to – “lie low” as they put it. Ernest and I who have been each other’s constant companions and friends for so many years are not supposed to meet – in case it affects our court case. We are not supposed to meet with any of our friends – in case it affects our court case. We will do
anything
not to go back to Newgate Prison and you should not judge us for that, because you have not been held in there. But we knew we owed some sort of apology nevertheless to the people in this particular house who made us welcome and were good to us and where we were’ – the only time his voice showed any sign of any emotion – ‘happy.’

‘And I say the same,’ said Ernest.

No one quite knew what to say next; it was Elijah who finally answered, ‘You’re not the only people who have behaved badly, lads.’

And Ernest tossed his head, and looked not at kind Elijah, but at Mackie, from under his eyelashes in the way he always did. I’ve said before, Mackie was wild and arresting somehow and biblical-looking with his long hair and his beard and I suppose Ernest couldn’t help but want to impress.

‘We have the absolutely very best barristers in England working for us,’ he said to Mackie. He repeated it proudly: ‘The absolutely very best.’

‘Who’s paying for them?’ said Mackie.

‘Oh absolutely everybody. So many people wanting to contribute so they say. Dont they, Freddie?’ Freddie was still looking down at his hands on the piano. ‘Even the Church, we believe, has put some money towards our case.’

‘Is that so,’ said Mackie. ‘Well that is a surprise,’ and I saw him and Billy exchange a look – but Ernest caught it too.

‘Well of course, we’re not
stupid
,’ he said sharply. ‘We know perfectly well they’re afraid we might be indiscreet if we are convicted. Bring a few more important people along with us! Bishop Julius wouldn’t like it to be known he was at Mr Porterbury’s ball in the Strand, would he, Freddie!’

‘Bishop Julius, eh?’ said Elijah. ‘Well that would hardly be a revelation in the Houses of Parliament.’

‘Ernest, that’s enough,’ said Freddie quietly. He got up from the piano and I knew he wanted to go but Ernest tossed his head again.

‘Tell about Lord Arthur,’ Ernest said. And because he could not help it he then added: ‘Did he mention me?’

‘No,’ said Mackie.

And I thought of poor sad Lord Arthur in the little horrible room, tears running down his face and saying,
Stella broke my heart.

Dodo suddenly bustled – if you could call Dodo’s bent walk bustling – about the parlour, offering cake, it was just so mad and bizarre but we all politely accepted cake and ate it, all of us except her, and the fire crackled and crumbs got in Mackie’s beard, and Freddie’s, and I could hear myself swallowing and nobody said anything.

And while we were eating Dodo sat on the chair where Freddie had been. She put her bent fingers along the piano keys and knocked one or two of them, but she couldn’t play.

And soon afterwards Freddie and Ernest left.

They said goodbye to the room, and thanked Dodo who was now making her way slowly to Mr Flamp’s room with the remaining cake.

Billy went with them to the door. I watched from the hall, we hadn’t yet lit the hall lamps and I stayed there in shadow. Freddie and Ernest said goodbye to Billy and put on their hats and went out into the cold, darkening afternoon, pulling their cloaks tightly about them outside this famous bordello, 13 Wakefield-street.

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