The Pink Flamingo Murders (2 page)

“The ghost of picnics past,” Margie intoned.

“Don’t you think all those forks should be topped with marshmallows, or dipped in some colorful paint?” Dina asked.

I thought they looked more haunting the way they were, white and empty.

“Try it,” said Patricia, and gave me a handful of forks.

“I should fork around to get an idea of what it’s like,” I said. I put my reporter’s notepad on the front steps, knelt in the damp grass near the rose garden, and felt a run open in my panty hose and go all the way up my leg. Oh, well, I never liked that color anyway. I broke one fork on the tough roots of Kathy’s zoysia grass. But once I got the hang of it, forking was strangely satisfying. I liked shoving forks in the dirt, feeling the sharp snap of the grass roots. Weird. Very weird. I did two rows in the time it took the others to do ten. Patricia even had time to stop and give me a lecture. “The good thing about forking is it’s recyclable,” she said. Somehow, I knew her fun would be politically correct. “You can remove all the forks and use them again. We’ll come back tomorrow night and take these out, then fork someone else’s lawn.”

“A friend’s lawn,” Dina said. “We don’t fork strangers.”

By eight-thirty
P.M
. we were finished. We stood back, admiring our handiwork in the gathering dusk. The
effect was oddly eerie, as if the earth were hungry. If this was New York, some performance artist would charge thousands to fork a lawn. In St. Louis, we forked it over for free, for the sheer joy of doing something wacky.

A battered blue pickup truck pulled up in front of the house. It was a typical rehabber’s truck with dented doors and a cracked side window repaired with masking tape. The truck bed was littered with paint cans, White Castle bags, paint-speckled wooden window screens, and drywall scraps. A youngish couple got out. She laughed at something he said, and he grabbed her around the waist and kissed her on the lips.

“That’s Dale and Kathy,” said Dina.

Both had khaki shorts, white shirts, and caramel-colored hair draped over their eyes. Their eyes were a dark brown, like chocolate syrup, and they looked so innocent and trusting, I wanted to sell them ocean-front real estate in Arizona.

“What’s on our lawn?” said Kathy, running forward for a closer look. “Dale! We’ve been forked. I’ve heard about this. Awesome! What a great birthday this is! Dale bought me a Dremel Multi-Pro and took me to Ted Drewes,” she said, “and now this.”

I knew Ted Drewes was St. Louis’s favorite frozen custard stand. But I had no idea what a Dremel Multi-Pro was.

“It’s like a Swiss Army knife for rehabbers,” Kathy explained. “It has all these cool attachments you can pop on, drill bits and cutters and sanders and, best of all, a wire brush.” She said it in a breathy voice, as if it was every woman’s desire. With anyone but this clean-cut couple, I would have evil visions of things to do with a motorized wire brush. But they were so innocent, they still had zits. No, what were those little red spots? Measles? They couldn’t be that young. What
ever those red dots on their faces and arms were, I hoped they weren’t catching.

Margie recognized the symptoms immediately. “You’ve been stripping woodwork, haven’t you?” she said. “I told you both to wear long sleeves, gloves, and something over your face. That stripping compound is acid, and it splashes everywhere. Look what it’s done to your skin.”

“It’s too hot for all that,” Kathy said. “We can’t close the windows and put on the air conditioning when we use woodstripper—it’s too dangerous. Besides, the spots go away in a few days, and I think we look kind of cute with matching spots.”

They did, too. “You have to come see our house,” Kathy said to me, when we were introduced. “We still have a lot of work to do, but it’s a wonderful old home with stained glass and an antique mahogany fireplace and—”

“And antique wiring and plumbing and really old plaster,” her husband said with a grin, but he recited these defects as if they were desirable.

It was hard for Kathy to stand still for long. She danced around the edge of the yard, backed up for a better look at the forks, came in closer to examine a row. She was in constant motion, like an enchanted creature. Just like one, she made a wish.

“I love my forks,” she said. “I wish I could keep them here forever.”

The spell was broken by a deep, harsh voice demanding “How long are those plastic things going to be in that lawn?”

“It’s the witch!” said Dale and Kathy, and fled into their house.

Margie and Dina made sour faces when they heard the voice. Patricia looked distressed. Margie rasped, “Relax, Caroline, the forks will be gone in twenty-four hours.” All I could see in the lengthening shadows was
a woman with her hands on her hips. Every line of her chunky body expressed outrage.

She spoke slowly and deliberately. “I hope so,” she said. “I have a group of West County real estate agents coming to look at my showcase houses the day after tomorrow, and I wouldn’t want them to see this. They might think we’re . . .”

“Interesting?” Margie asked, snidely.

“I’m fighting a battle here,” Caroline said, marching forward. “It took me months to get these realtors into the city. You know they won’t come to this neighborhood. Now when I’ve finally arranged it, you’ve done this.”

“I said the forks would be gone, Caroline,” Margie said impatiently.

“We’ll fork them over when the tines are right,” Dina said, unable to control her hopeless punning.

“Go ahead and laugh,” Caroline said. “You’ll thank me when property values go up. I’m trying to be serious.”

She was fully visible now in the dying light. So this was Caroline the Rehab Wonderwoman. At least, that was what her friends called her. I’d seen her around the neighborhood, but only from a distance. That’s how Caroline kept most people—at a distance. Unless she wanted something. But I knew about her. Everyone did. Caroline was the subject of countless adoring profiles in the
Gazette
and the city magazines. The neighbors hooted at the inflated prices Caroline claimed to command for her houses in those stories. But we had to admit Caroline was good for property values. She always looked serious, or as serious as you can look in paint-stained cutoffs, a floppy straw sun-hat, and a stretched T-shirt. Caroline was thirty-something, with short, cropped dark hair, thick eyebrows, a large, sunburned nose, and beat-up work boots. She was a short, muscular woman who made me feel that
fashion was for the frivolous. I tried to remember what I’d read about her and heard from neighborhood gossip.

I knew Caroline was divorced with no children. Her ex-husband, a lawyer, complained that Caroline took him for every last cent. I certainly hoped so. I never had much sympathy for lawyers. At any rate, Caroline seemed to have an endless supply of money. She lived in a grand house on North Dakota that looked like a centerfold from
Architectural Digest
. Unlike most homes in the area, hers was completely rehabbed, from the expensive slate roof to the refinished hardwood floors. There was plenty of furniture, too, pricey pieces from Milan that looked like wire-and-stick sculptures. The chairs and couches were striking to look at, but neighbors complained they hurt your backside if you sat in them during one of Caroline’s interminable improvement association meetings. The walls were decorated with a colorful Klee and other names usually seen in art museums. It was a showcase house in a hopeful but down-at-heels neighborhood. To protect her fine rehabbed house, Caroline bought houses up and down North Dakota Place as if she was playing Monopoly and rehabbed them. And to protect her investments on North Dakota, she started buying up houses and flats on the surrounding streets and rehabbed them. Then to protect those investments, she bought the flats and houses behind them. It was a never-ending process. The neighbors were pleased. They repeated, like a mantra, “Caroline has done a lot for the neighborhood.”

For one thing, she restored the angels of North Dakota Place. A hundred years ago the street was a show-place for the city’s prosperous German doctors and lawyers. The families lucky enough to live there looked out their wide wainscoted windows at a fountain in the center of the boulevard. Beaux Arts angels held an
urn aloft. Water splashed over the sides and formed a heavenly cloud of rainbow spray.

But the prosperous people moved out to West County half a century ago. The garden parkway became a strip of grass, grudgingly mowed by the city. The fountain went dry. The angels’ urn filled with dried leaves. They became bedraggled creatures, banished from their rainbow cloud paradise. Poor young rehabbers and families with lots of children bought the houses. Old women struggled to hang onto their family homes. Everything was neat and clean but just a little shabby on North Dakota Place. Then Caroline came along and brought new life to the struggling old street. First, she began fixing up the garden parkway. Some garden. It was a balding patch of crabgrass dotted with beer cans, dead branches, and dandelions.

Caroline took over the maintenance herself. She cleared the land, then fertilized and watered the grass until it was greener than any golf course. She had urban architectural historians evaluate the importance of the angel fountain. Armed with their opinions, she tackled hellish piles of paperwork and got a grant from the Figby Foundation, one of the local foundations that helped with restoration projects. They put up the money, and Caroline browbeat the city into providing the labor. Once again the angels glistened like heavenly creatures in clouds of rainbow spray.

Caroline never charged the neighbors a penny for her labors. She became a neighborhood hero. We’d see her with her wheelbarrow at all hours. I once came across her at two in the morning, trundling down the sidewalk with a barrow full of mulch. Other neighbors saw her setting out soaking hoses at dawn, but they couldn’t tell if she’d been up all night or if this was the first work of the new day. No one asked her. People admired Caroline, but they never really liked her.

When Caroline began making suggestions about
how the neighbors could improve their property, they listened. They knew she was getting the highest rents in the area on her rehabbed flats. She advised landlords what to charge and who to hire for repairs, even what flowers to plant and where to get them. She got free smoke detectors for the neighbors. She got them free trees and bulbs from the city. Thanks to Caroline, the money was rolling in for everyone. Not big money, not West County money, but higher rents and house prices than most city neighborhoods saw.
GOOD NEIGHBOR MAKES NORTH DAKOTA PLACE GREEN
, oozed one
Gazette
headline, and they weren’t just talking about the new fountain garden.

In the last news stories I remembered, Caroline had begun passing around petitions. She wanted a stop sign at the end of the block, to slow down drag racers. Excellent idea. She got it. She didn’t want a new bar to open two blocks away on Indiana because the bartender had “attracted a rough biker crowd” at another saloon on Laclede’s Landing. The neighbors decided they didn’t need that. Tina, the
Gazette
City Hall reporter, told me the bar didn’t get its liquor license and Caroline bought the building cheap. Folks seemed a little more restless when Caroline wanted to keep another neighborhood bar, the popular Mound City Pub, from opening an outside volleyball court, but she insisted the pub wasn’t an asset to the neighborhood, and she was, so almost everyone signed except the pub’s regulars. There was no volleyball court.

But that’s when the resentment really began. I heard it now in Margie’s voice.

“Is this one of your Pretty-up Patrols, Caroline?” asked Margie. Her velvety rasp had become a rude buzzsaw. She turned to me. “Bet you didn’t know that Caroline personally patrols this street.”

“She’s our neighborhood streetwalker,” Dina said, and I thought I heard malice in her fluffy little giggle.
Or, since she lived with Stan, maybe it was cattiness. Tall, serious Patricia shifted uneasily but said nothing.

“Caroline
walks up and down the streets and points out our flaws for us,” Margie said, sneering the woman’s name each time she said it.
“Caroline
took it upon herself to tell her neighbor Mack it was time to mow his lawn.”

“Mack needed to be reminded,” Caroline said stiffly.

“Caroline
took it upon herself to tell Sally her boyfriend was not allowed to park his pickup in front of her house,” Margie said.

“It looked bad,” said Caroline.

“The next time he did it, he got a twenty-dollar ticket. And he quit seeing Sally.”

“He wasn’t the sort of person we want on this street, anyway,” Caroline said. “And Kathy and Dale better move that beat-up truck around back before
they
get a ticket.”

“You must be really proud of your work with Mrs. Grumbacher,” Margie said. “What is she, eighty? Ninety?
Caroline
sicced the city inspector on that poor old woman.”

“She’s a vigorous seventy-five,” Caroline said. “And there’s nothing poor about her. Her late husband left her quite well-fixed.”

“Caroline
pointed out that the wooden trim was peeling on Mrs. Grumbacher’s house,” Margie said. “Mrs. Grumbacher told Caroline to go to hell, she wasn’t painting anything this year. Two days later the city inspector was all over Mrs. Grumbacher’s house like white on rice, finding this violation and that one. She had to get a new roof, new gutters, new concrete steps, and a new wrought-iron railing.”

“That railing was for her own safety,” Caroline said righteously. “The gutters and steps should have been done years ago. And nobody would have called the city inspector if she’d just painted her trim.”

“You mean
you
wouldn’t have called the city inspector,” Margie said. “By the time the city finished with her, it would have been cheaper if Mrs. Grumbacher had had Rembrandt paint the place.”

Margie raked Caroline with the ultimate South Side weapon, the glare. A full-bore glare could make a grown man shrivel like cheap bacon in hot fat. Caroline didn’t flinch. The two strong women locked eyes and sent out laser strikes of hate, like alien starships.