The Pirate Queen (14 page)

Jamie sat beside Saphora out on the lower deck. The radio was blaring since the boys had turned it up loud. Saphora was about to turn it off when Jamie told her, “Wait. That’s my favorite song.”

Saphora turned it down but not off. “I know this song.”

“Joni Mitchell. She was amazing,” said Jamie.

Saphora was trying to recall another of that singer’s songs when Sherry came out and announced, “We have Bass à la Tobias and Trout Saphora. Plus a lasagna if you don’t like fish.”

“I still can’t believe Toby caught a fish,” said Jamie.

“He reeled him in with hardly any help,” said Saphora.

Eddie was melancholy about Tobias’s conquest since he still
had never brought in a fish. So Saphora said, “Eddie will catch the next one.”

Bender came out, dutifully carrying a casserole dish. “Stay around too long and Sherry puts you to work.” His hair was growing out since the surgery, and he had long ago ditched the ball cap. His smile had returned too, especially in the presence of women.

Jamie kept worrying over Tobias staying up in the tree with Eddie. “I hope he doesn’t stay over too much, wear out his welcome.”

“Not at all, Jamie. He keeps Eddie occupied. Eddie’s an only child, so it’s good to have a friend around to remind him he’s not the only fish in the pond,” said Saphora.

“Toby’s had such stomach problems. Has he complained?” asked Jamie. “I worry about him being exposed to dirt, to dirty water, to other sick people. All I do is worry.”

“Hasn’t complained to me. We like having him around. Let him be a boy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course! Do you have any other children?”

“No. We’d intended to, but … we …”

“No need to explain,” said Saphora.

“Tobias wasn’t really planned.”

Saphora raised an eyebrow. “How does that happen?”

“Well, one night we saw a special TV show on adoptions. You know they’re out to manipulate your emotions for a worthy cause. Mel’s got such a soft spot for needy creatures, that is, as long as I take care of them afterward. He adopted a rescued Pomeranian from the pound. Of course, I’m the dog walker and feeder. The day Mel walked in the door with a skinny boy, though, I nearly died.”

“He didn’t ask first?”

“Mel called it a temporary situation. His friend had met Tobias
when his company sponsored a group of foster kids at a Christmas party. That was when he met Tobias. He was quite taken with Tobias. But the friend’s job took him traveling so much that he couldn’t seriously consider helping Toby.”

“So he called Mel,” said Saphora.

“It was love at first sight, at least for me. We kept Toby just for the weekend. It was his birthday. His caseworker said she always tried to place her kids in a temporary home at least on the day of their birthdays.”

“Sneaky, isn’t she?”

“Very.”

“How’s the Pomeranian?”

“You’d think he and Toby had grown up together. When Toby’s down here with Eddie, Fang sits and stares out the window all day long watching for him.”

“Fang?”

“He has this crooked tooth right in front. Mel says it gives him character.”

“Tell Tobias he can bring Fang with him to see Eddie.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you. Fang’s getting old. He has to wear a bellyband now for doggie incontinence.”

“They’ll be putting a bellyband on this old girl one of these days.”

“You don’t look a day over thirty-five.”

“Sherry, give this woman extra helpings,” said Saphora.

Sherry called Eddie and Tobias out of the tree house.

“I could use an extra mate or two Saturday, Jamie. Would you and Tobias like to join us sailing?” asked Saphora.

Eddie came running up onto the deck. “Tobias is on the floor of the tree house, Nana. He says he can’t get up.”

Bender climbed up into the tree house and brought Tobias down.
Tobias talked quietly to Bender, answering his questions. Bender took him inside and laid him on his hospital bed in the library. Tobias was so limp Jamie gasped at the sight of him. He never stopped smiling.

Saphora thought it might have been a habit of his while waiting to get adopted; always make them think you’re happy.

Bender had seemingly forgotten about how weak chemo had made him. “Look into my flashlight,” he said.

“I’ve seen lots of those,” said Tobias.

Jamie admitted to Saphora, “We’ve had three scares this year, but he always comes out of it. Tobias is resilient like that.” But she was nervous and paced the whole time Bender asked Tobias about his symptoms.

Bender felt around the boy’s lymph nodes. Then he asked, “Tobias, have you had an accident? By that, I mean a bathroom accident?”

Tobias looked away, as if embarrassed to answer.

Saphora told Eddie, “Wait outside with Sherry.”

Sherry led Eddie out of earshot and then closed the library door behind them.

“Dr. Warren, he’s got a doctor he sees on a regular basis,” said Jamie. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I’ve got a bathroom right here where we guys can go and clean up,” said Bender. “Ladies not allowed, right, Tobias?”

Tobias looked happy to know the women were being thrown out of the room. He allowed Bender to help him off the bed. Then he and Bender disappeared into the large bathroom that serviced the library.

Jamie was too surprised to protest. Saphora was surprised too. Bender had not had his nose out of his medical books since Jim had told him cancer was a certainty.

The plumbing in the old house rumbled. The shower was warming up.

“I’m sorry we’ve disrupted your meal,” said Jamie.

“No need to apologize,” said Saphora, keeping her voice low and considerate. Jamie had said she was a worrier. Saphora understood worrying and did not want Jamie to feel as if she were a bother. “We know Tobias is sick. He never misses taking his meds. Sherry’s up on his medicine schedule as much as Bender’s.”

“You’ve got enough on your hands just looking after Dr. Warren,” said Jamie.

“Tobias would never have let you or me take him into the bathroom for a shower. Bender’s got the doctor’s bedside manner, and he’s a guy. This couldn’t have happened at a better place,” said Saphora.

“You can see why I could never take Toby out on a boat.”

“Tobias seems like the kind of boy who wouldn’t take to your treating him like he’s too frail to do anything. You know, he asked me to teach you how to fish today,” said Saphora.

“He thinks that he never gets to do what other kids do. But we’ve had such bad luck just giving him a little independence.” Jamie was standing outside the bathroom door now, listening.

“Let’s go up and get some of Eddie’s clothes for Tobias.”

Jamie hesitantly followed Saphora upstairs. Saphora opened a bureau beside the bed where Eddie slept and pulled out several pairs of shorts. “Look through these. I know Tobias is smaller around the waist, but he’ll be fine for the night. It’ll do him a lot of good allowing him to finish eating that fish he caught and then catching lightning bugs with Eddie.”

“You’re taking this all in stride,” said Jamie.

“I wasn’t a perfect mother. But I did learn from my mistakes. Tobias is dying for some normalcy. He wants to be treated the same as Eddie or any other kid without his illness.”

“He must have told you about his AIDS then?”

“No, but what does it matter what he’s sick with?” Saphora did not show surprise.

“Does Dr. Warren know?”

“He’s a doctor. He’ll figure it out.”

Jamie took a pair of Eddie’s khaki shorts and a T-shirt. “I’m glad Toby found you and Eddie on the beach that day, Saphora.”

Now that Jamie had brought it up, Saphora thought how serendipitous it was for Tobias to have picked them out of the other families out walking. “I’m glad too,” she said, equally glad that she and Jamie were becoming friends.

“It’s like angels guided Toby to Eddie,” said Jamie.

Lately Saphora had thought the opposite, that fate was playing one mean trick on her after another. She could have used an angel or two driving away that storm. But now that she thought about it, it seemed as if an angel had come upon her that day on Tiny Beach, dressed like a thin, dark-haired boy looking for a friend.

Jamie took Tobias back to their cottage. Bender sat quietly on the lower deck rubbing mosquito repellent on his arms and legs. Sherry and Eddie had gone into town for ice cream right after dinner. They took down orders and promised to return with some for Bender and Saphora.

Saphora lit a couple of candles to take outside and then joined Bender. He was holding a cigar to his nose and smelling it, eyes closed.

“You don’t smoke,” said Saphora.

“Sometimes I do, Saphora. Occasionally after a golf game my buddies and I would hit a martini bar—one that allowed cigars. This is one I’ve had for a while. I’m just smelling and remembering.”

“If you smoke it, I won’t tell Jim.”

“If I won’t clog my arteries with fried fish then there’s no point in ruining my lungs with a cigar.” He dropped it back into his shirt pocket.

“Tonight, with Tobias, that was incredible how you took over. It could have humiliated him. But you were amazing, actually.”

“I understand what he’s going through. We guys have to stick together.” He looked out over the dark river. There was nothing to see except the moon behind a cloudy haze. He seemed to disappear into the dark void.

“Bender, look at me,” said Saphora.

“I’m looking,” he said, calm, like a man thinking over his life. “You’re still beautiful after all this time.”

She took in the compliment, considering he said it with such earnestness. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you that what you do is important. You give your patients back their lives after they’ve been through horrible accidents. All those burn victims. You help them find their dignity again.” She was fishing around so much that his countenance changed. He was even more attractive when his eyes softened and a slight smile appeared. He made her smile too.

“It means a lot to hear you say it. We don’t always say what we should say.”

She gave his comment some thought. “I think it’s because I feel like a watcher.”

“What does that mean?”

“I watch you, but I’m standing outside your world.” She didn’t know how to explain it. “I don’t have access to your world.” That didn’t come out right either.

“I give you everything I’ve got, Saphora.”

Again, he equated material things with love. “All I’ve ever wanted is to know you love me.”

“Everyone loves you, Saphora. Why don’t you know that about yourself?” he asked.

“Is that what you think I’m talking about? Some issue with low self-esteem?” She was careful not to raise her voice. “Everyone loving me isn’t the point. This is about you and me.”

“You want me to tell you I love you. But there’s no end to telling you. You’re not easily satisfied, Saphora. You’re no picnic.”

“Should there be an end to telling someone you love them?”

“I just mean that you seem to need it more than the average person.”

“Only because there’s such a deficit of hearing it, Bender.”

“Now I’m cold-hearted?”

“Bender, I didn’t mean to get us off on the things that upset us.” She wanted to do whatever it took to get him to stop looking disappointed in her since it would only make her mad at him again.

“I love you. Can you believe that?” he asked.

“Am I enough?”

“That is a silly question.”

The slamming of car doors brought Bender up out of his chair. He picked up one of the candles and blew it out and then the other. “I’m going inside to have one scoop of vanilla ice cream. Nothing on the top, no chocolate or cherries. I’m down to that now, Saphora. Not a good sherry or a vodka and no cigar. God or this awful existence
finally has me cornered in a dark place where I can’t have any of the small luxuries that give me a moment of pleasure. That ought to be punishment enough for the night.”

“I’m not punishing you.” She could not say anything else to him. She was stuck on the idea of God cornering him.

He went inside.

All she had intended to say was how heroic he was to come to Tobias’s rescue. Now here she sat outside, alone and racked with guilt, while Bender joined Eddie for ice cream. She wondered if he was realizing what a treasure he had in Eddie, or his children and daughters-in-law. He still seemed to see them all as an extension of his collections, like trophies. She had failed again at trying to explain the empty ache she had felt for longer than she cared to admit. Cancer had made the ache deeper instead of bringing them back together. If she told this to any of her children or her friends, she would be judged as being petty in the middle of her husband’s trauma, when all she was trying to do was recover some of the lost conversations they had missed over the years.

If I could have one wish
, she thought,
it would be to experience a whiff of the joy behind Tobias’s smile
. It had to be the fact that he had come from a rootless life, whatever that meant in a foster care system, to now being rooted in his adoptive family. Perhaps he was so grateful to be connected to a family that he could forgive his dependence on medicine that kept him among the living.