The Plain White Room (3 page)

Lepus was scribbling over graphs and equations in the common area, next to a bowl of fruit and some newspapers. Writing what he thought he knew, then realising it just made no sense and crumpling up the page. He would smile at all walking past him, becoming frustrated at his inability to form any new idea or, he felt, progress in any way with his thesis. He felt like an ant who had fallen into a polystyrene tea cup. Swimming for its life, but not realising that there was no land to find, only circles of wading until drowning. Snapping him from his focus, Miriam burst through the side door, past the on-duty nurse and blustering into the middle of the room.

She moved with darting eyes, looking for attention. Her mouth quivered. Lepus had seen it before, not a selfish, childlike wanting, but ‘cabin fever.' Not a mindset he could get behind. He was always the one to look for solace. At its heart, it was a manifestation of a deep need to connect with another human, which he couldn’t understand.

“He would use me, you see.” she said.

Lepus stared, his mind racing with all the horrible things that could mean.

“You mean...” he mumbled, hesitant to know the answer.

“To test the product he’d make,” she said with sombre eyes.

“What kind of product?” Lepus asked with hesitation, not knowing if this was rude or prying.

He also wasn’t sure if she was just seekingattention, or if he should believe her.

Lepus slid his Walkman towards her “Here; this might help” he said smiling.

***

Dave took a long drag on his cigarette. He sat staring at a rock in the back garden. It was the size of a badger and was painted with all kinds of colours. Lepus opened the door to the courtyard, not realising someone was already out here. He had waited until it was late afternoon when it was usually empty. Wanting to get some air, free from the unwanted company. Lepus sat down at one of the park benches near the door. Sprawling his looks out all over the table.
 

He didn’t notice Dave standing there, just to the right of the door.
 

Dave scuffed his shoes, and Lepus turned around, sitting up in surprise at Dave standing there.
 

“Oh, hi, I didn’t see you there,” Lepus said feeling strange, as if he was imposing.
 

“All good,” said Dave flicking his cigarette. He was a portly man in his late twenties with a thick unkempt beard. His grey tracksuit seemed to suit him somehow despite how modest it was. He also wore a brown jacket with brass buttons on the pockets. His runners were dirty and tattered. They had pieces of stretched plastic in place of where shoelaces would have been. Lepus wasn’t sure what he had fashioned them from, perhaps plastic bags.
 

Dave sat down next to Lepus and took another long drag still staring at the rock.
 

“What’s that?” Lepus asked.
 

“Some unity thing,” Dave said shrugging.
 

“About a year ago, a bunch of patients got together to celebrate togetherness. Or that people will help when you’re in need. I dunno.”
 

“Oh, have you been here long?”
 

“Not really, I’m in and out quite a bit.”
 

Lepus nodded and looked down at his hands. Not wanting to pry but curious about why.
 

“I don’t mind it here, most of the time it’s quite relaxing,” Lepus said, trying to be polite. He felt lucky to be in the presence of someone not looking to disturb him from his work.
 

“I guess,” he said in response.
 

The door opened behind them, and a nurse walked out.
 

“Just checking who was out here. How are you David?” she said, standing halfway between the table and the door.
 

“Fine thanks.” 
 

The nurse continued to linger for a second nodding and smiling. “Okay,” she said turning to go.
 

“I just don’t understand why I’m here again.” He said shrugging.
 

“Well, we talked about this,” she said sitting down, her smile fading.

“I was just going door to door. Lots of people do that” Dave said looking down.

“Yes but most people are selling something, or handing out pamphlets for organised religion,” she said, then started nodding empathetically again.
 

Lepus felt as though he should stand up and walk back inside. But he felt paralysed by the awkward situation. Trapped between wanting to leave and not wanting their attention spotlighted onto him.
 

He sat there staring at his books, not wanting to lift his pen or move. He just listened, trying to blend into the background. Hoping the conversation would somehow lead to them leaving.
 

“In the time of the prophet and for hundreds of years, disciples have gone on pilgrimages. Going door to door during their journey, living off the charity of others. It’s not illegal.”
 

You could almost see the exasperation of the nurse seeping out of her eye. Her patienceunwavering..
 

“Well it is illegal Dave, you can’t pester people like that. It makes them feel uncomfortable.”
 

“All I can am doing is asking people. I’m not harassing or forcing myself on anyone. I explained that to people. It’s only a few that get upset.”
 

“David please, I thought we came to an understanding on this.”
 

“But if you listen to me you’ll understand. Being a pilgrimage is about spreading positivity.”
 

“Yes but things are different now. You can’t go onto people's property and ask for things they can spare.”
 

“Things aren’t different, the word of God is eternal. There are still those suffering in the world.”
 

“That’s not… things aren’t simple like that anymore. No one goes on pilgrimages.”
 

“Yes they do, I do, I still want to.”
 

Lepus had been as still as a statue the entire time they were talking. Completely engrossed in the conversation without realising. He had forgotten he hadn't spoken and launched into a rant. The words were spewing out without warning.
 

“He’s right you know. In many parts of the world pilgrims still very much exist and are as popular as ever. Across all religions too; Christianity, Taoism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism. Even Sikhism, which places little importance on pilgrimages. People still travel miles to Amritsar in India.

The Camino de Santiago continues to grow more and more popular in the west. Not just a path for modern day religious pilgrimages but mainly tourists and hikers.”
 

By the time he had finished speaking, he was facing both of them. For a moment, they stared baffled. It started to sink in for Lepus that this was potentially not an appropriate conversation to add his input. He faced down as Dave started gesturing with his hands at Lepus.
 

“See, exactly,” Dave said, before returning to his pensive almost aggressive tone. The nurse nodded sighing.
 

“Yes, but their pilgrimages end. With a landmark or after a particular time. A destination of some kind. Where will yours end Dave? And when?” She said standing up.
 

“Glad to see the two of you getting along.” She said walking away.
 

Dave looked at Lepus, furrowing his brow. “What was your name again?” He said, coughing the words as he opened his deck of cigarettes and selected another.
 

“Lepus, I take it you’re Dave?” Lepus said putting his hands underneath himself.
 

“Yeah,” Dave said leaning back in his chair and staring back at the rock.
 

“Can … can I ask you something?” Lepus said, just before clearing his throat.
 

“Sure, she wants me to start focusing on inner peace. Finding nirvana for myself. Not worry about helping others. But they’re the same, aren’t they?”
 

“Ah, um no that’s not what I was wondering but, yeah I suppose so. Sometimes.”
 

Dave looked at Lepus and cocked his brow, then looked back at the rock. “What then?”
 

“Your laces, why… ah… they are plastic?”
 

“Yeah. I have to keep my shoes on somehow. No laces, though. They won’t let me have laces anymore.”
 

Lepus immediately understood and felt awkward for having asked. He picked up his pen and leaned forward to his work.
 

“Oh, I see.”
 

They stayed in silence. Lepus continued to work as Dave sat staring into space. Smoke rose from his mouth, illuminated by the dusk light.
 

“Do you ever lie?” Dave asked, breaking the long silence.
 

Lepus looked up, and then around to see if anyone had joined them without him noticing. Thinking Dave must have been talking to someone else.
 

“Ah, I suppose,” Lepus said.
 

Dave looked him in the eyes and put out his cigarette. Without breaking eye contact, he stood up.
 

Lepus felt he had made a faux pas. With Miriam still around he didn’t want any other frictions or unpredictable people around him.
 

“Wait,” He said, turning as Dave walked past him towards the door.
 

“I mean doesn’t everybody? Not huge things to hurt anyone.” He said, but Dave was already out of earshot halfway through saying it and apparently didn’t want to listen.
 

Lepus looked back at his books and said to himself out loud.
 

“Just to myself mostly.”
 

***

Alice sat on Lepus’s back balcony, looking up at the sky. Her perfect features illuminated by the bright spring sun. The same place she had sat a hundred times before. Her sunglasses were big and covered most of her face, but did nothing to hide her beaming smile. But today she sat in her same spot as a stranger. A guest, not a host. Lepus placed a cold drink next to her. She had come to wish him a happy birthday. She hadn't seen him on the daytwo weeks before.

“Thank you lovely,” she said tilting her head to look up at him as he placed the glass down.

Lepus sat down in the deck chair next to her and squinted in the sunlight.

She let out a chuckle and stood up. Then stepped forward, her feet between his. She took his hands in hers. His left hand in her right hand. His right in her left, standing as he sat there looking up at her. She raised her arms, and he stood to follow them. Face-to-face she slowly guided his arms around her waist and moved in closer to him. Rested her head on his shoulders and hugged him tightly. They stood there for what seemed to Lepus like an age. He breathed heavily, realising that he did not understand her anymore.

“I have something for you.” She said, not pulling away, barely moving.

“What is it?” he said holding back tears, but she did not hear him, he’d spoken so softly.

“It’s upstairs,” she said taking a step back and him by the hand once more. She led him by the hand upstairs to her room.

Lepus’s hand felt slippery and clammy. The stairs were not long, and Lepus was not particularly unfit. He had thought maybe they were just like that today, but quickly he had to admit to himself that it was Alice that was making him nervous. He wanted so badly for her to surprise him. Turn around and proclaim it was a practical joke, or that it was a misunderstanding. A mistake. That she still wanted him and him alone. She did not. Instead, she delicately opened the door
, t
hen paused with it barely half open. Looked at him and remarked, “Actually… close your eyes.” She smiled with glee as she said it.

“Hmm…” Lepus moaned. 

“Oh come on! You old man!” she said and stuck out her tongue, arching back her neck and spine, so there was no doubt she was sticking out her tongue at him.

“Maybe I’ll just close one eye,” he said being coy.

“She laughed and said “Okay,” pushing forward the door. He didn’t close either eye.

Stepping over the threshold of the room it immediately caught his eye. Lying on the bed, half wrapped, was what he clearly recognised as one of the newest fanciest tricorders. He had spent nights when they were together pining over one. Showing her pictures on his laptop in bed. Of course, Lepus had a hard line rule about computers in bed. Bed was for sleeping and reading. Laptops should be nowhere near a bed. But he had no issues leaning across her in bed to look at what she was looking at. Often, of course, this lead to him pointing at links with his index finger. “Click that, just for a moment. I want just quickly to see ‘that page’” etc. etc. This would often end on a page about the cheapest or best tricorders just hitting the market.

“Oh, my… I can’t believe you remembered.”

“Ha, remembered, how could I ever forget? I thought you might like one” she said, standing in the corner of the room still beaming, smiling from ear to ear. “Thank you,” he said staring at it.

He stepped forward and slowly pulled the tatters of wrapping paper from the box.

“This is too much,” he said, shaking his head.

“Not at all!” she said, standing on her tip toes.

“It’s a big birthday!”

“Yeah, don’t remind me,” He grumbled.

“Oh don’t be so crabby you old fuddy-duddy.” she said hugging him from behind.

“You're too sweet, honestly,” he said picking up a book sitting next to the tricorder on the bed. It was an original copy of “Radioactive substances” by Madame Curie.

“Some light reading?” he said with a snigger, picking up the book.

“Oh right, no I ran out of wrapping paper. As you may have noticed. That’s your other present!”

“What!?” he said dropping the book. “No, that is too much!” She laughed, “So I did well?”

“You did more than well,” he said sitting on the edge of the bed, flipping through the book. Alice moved the larger box to the floor and scrambled onto the middle of the bed. Putting her arms around his shoulders and looking at the book. Her cheek resting against his “this is perfect,” he said leaning back, putting his head on the pillow and raising the book above his head. Hastily checked every page, glossary and the contents he started reading from chapter three. Alice lay down next to him, watching him read with a smug smile.

“I’m sorry that your presents are so late,” she said, putting her hand on his shoulder.

“What?” he said absent minded, “Oh no, not at all. You told me you had them. I should have organised to come sooner; you told me they were here.” he said still heading.

“I could have brought them round, though, or just posted them. I wanted to see you though I guess.”

“Aw, that’s nice. I always forget that you’re so good at surprises.”

Lepus turned his head as the word ‘surprises' left his lips. A tear was running down her cheek, but she was still smiling.

“Oh Alice,” he said putting the book down. He sat up, his back against the headboard.

“What, what is it?”

“Nothing, nothing I’m sorry,” she said, rubbing her eyes. He put his hand on her shoulder. To comfort her, but all he wanted was to kiss her. He didn’t know why she was crying if it was even him. Maybe she felt guilty for wanting to leave him. It felt arrogant to him to assume he was the reason for her tears.

Maybe she felt guilty for wanting to leave him. Maybe she too longed to kiss him and forget had wanted another. 

She lay down next to him; her arm draped across his chest.

They were silent and still for a moment. He closed his eyes and tried to slow time. Make it stretch out infinitely, thin and unrushed. That perhaps if he was still enough they could stay like this forever.

But he knew this would not happen. That docks would continue their slow unwavering beat.

Marching slowly towards a time when she would no longer be his. In knowing this, he raged in his mind. The injustice of it. His inaction repulsed him. Until he could take it no more, “I saw some photos downstairs,” he said, his voice cracking, forcing out the words.

“Of you and March Hare at that party you wanted me to pick you up from.”

“Yeah, I thought you’d say something about that,”

“What did you think I would say?”

She shrugged, still cuddled up to him.

“I guess I had wondered why you didn’t invite me. I didn’t know he was going.”

“You don't invite me to lots of things, and you always complain about the people. Would you have even come if I had asked to you?” she said all this calmly. No frustration, no anger in her voice.

“I don’t know,” he said, regretting having brought it up. He turned his head and stared out the bedroom window. He could just see half of a tree which stood at the front of the house.

The day was bright. Although he couldn’t see it, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The tree waved in the wind and Lepus could see a common myna bird, hanging on tight to one of the trees smaller branches.. Even though the bird was swaying uncontrollably in the air, it continued to sing, gripping on with all its tiny might. As Lepus watched it tweeting away, the image of the photo he had seen drifted into his mind. He closed his eyes and tried to visualise something else. But all he could see was their happy, excited faces. His arm behind her. Not over her shoulder, but resting behind her. Her shoulder against his chest.

Alice stared at the ceiling. Lying in Lepus’s arms. His arms were tight around her, and every once in a while she would nuzzle her face into his chest.

“What are we now? ‘Cause I still don’t even know.” Alice said.

“We can be whatever you want us to be, I don’t want this to end, but I can’t force you to be mine. What can I change? What do you expect me to do?”

Alice wriggled, “I… I don’t know, what I want… or what you should. You can’t ask me that.”

“What do you want?”

“I feel like, no matter what I do, I’m gonna lose the person closest to me in my life.”

“You don’t have to lose me.”

“You said you don’t want to be friends afterwards…”

“You want me to promise friendship, when if you leave me I won’t even be able to have to live in this house anymore. It’s filled with too manypainful memories, you can’t expect me to stay here and your friend, watching you grow, change, move on. I’ll feel like a ghost.”

“I’m just not ready for this…”

“I know… please don’t tell me that again, I understand. I still don’t see how.”

Lepus sighed, and his arms eased their grip.

A soft tune started to play in his head, as he starts to imagine living in his house without her coming over all the time. He moved there because it was on the way to her house, and her work, but now he loved it.

His life ahead, without her, plays out in his head.

Lepus sat up on the bed.

“So that’s it then, you’re ending us?”

“No… you are.” She said starting to sniffle.

§“You’ll be fine,” Lepus echoed, “You are gorgeous, strong, and
brave
. I love you.”

As Lepus’s arms slip from her, she crackles through tears, “and you?”

“What does that matter?”

“Why aren’t you holding me anymore?”

“I’m not going to cling to you, lie next to you, force closeness when you don’t want it. What do you want from me?”

Alice moved like lightning, walking out the door, tears streaming down her face.

“Why would I get into bed with you if I didn’t want you to hold me?”

Lepus jumped out of the bed and followed her downstairs.

The next thing he knew, he was standing in the doorway. Alice was holding back tears. She turned from him and pushed through the fly screen. Her flip-flops were loudly hitting the pavement.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you so upset, I don’t want it to end like this,” he said, as he followed her, but she was moving faster than him. Once he got to the gate, she was gone. She was gone, and it was over.

***