The Price of Falling (23 page)

‘Ugh,’ Alicia threw her hands up. ‘I cannot believe him. He's probably just grouchy, you know what he's like. Maybe tomorrow he'll calm down.’

‘No, Alicia, I've had enough,’ I told her. ‘If that's how he feels, at least I know now. Look hurry, they're going to send the boat back. Go join them and I'll see you later.’

Alicia looked up at me. ‘No, I'm coming back with you. I'll see them tomorrow before they go.’ She looped her arm through mine and we stood on the deck together. I smiled down at her, pleased for the company. At least she supported me.

I didn't see Mom and Dad again the next day. I couldn't bear to. It meant I missed saying goodbye to Courtney. I guessed I would just have to send her an extra big Christmas gift.

I wouldn't bother sending anything to my parents this year. I was sick of it. I'd done everything Dad had wanted, and yet he still couldn't forgive me. Mom had never even tried to intervene.

I wanted to call Blake, he was more of a father to me anyway. But I didn't want to disturb him, in case he was busy sorting out Kelvin's parole. I envied Kelvin for having such a supportive family.

I had another Christmas on my own.

Not that I wanted to see anyone anyway. Alicia went back home for a few days. I knew she was going mainly to try to convince Dad to talk to me. I appreciated her efforts but I knew he would never change his mind. I was shocked that he would rather never see me again than forgive me.

At least there was always work to do.

Working over Christmas certainly impressed my boss. On Christmas day I went for a long walk down by the river side and through the parks. Whenever I saw a family or couples walking together I felt weird.

Not quite angry, I guess, more sad.

I bought myself a whole load of beer and sat at home watching late night TV again.

January 1991 was the most depressed I ever felt. I wasn't technically alone as Sylvia was always trying to see me, and Alicia was around. But I felt like I was going through the motions. Kinda like when I'd first been sent away from home.

Seeing my parents again hadn't helped. Not one little bit.

One night we'd been watching a movie in my apartment, the girls had made popcorn and Alicia was telling us about this guy she'd met at college she liked.

‘I hope it goes well,’ I told her, pleased she seemed happy.

Later when Sylvia had kissed me goodnight and gone downstairs to catch her cab, Alicia looked at me funny. I sat back on the couch returned her look.

‘What?’

She frowned slightly. ‘Can I ask you something?’

I shrugged, picking up the remote control. ‘Sure.’

‘You're not really into her, are you?’

I turned away from Alicia and looked at the TV as I flicked the channels.

‘No,’ I said flatly.

‘You shouldn't lead her on then.’

‘I know,’ I sighed. ‘I thought having a girlfriend would make Dad talk to me.’

‘Yeah,’ she mumbled. ‘I'm sorry.’

‘Hey,’ I reached over and rubbed her shoulder, stepping into the big brother role. ‘Don't worry, it's not your fault. I'll be fine.’

She smiled up at me but I could see the tears in her eyes.

Alicia was right, I wasn't into Sylvia. But I wasn't into other girls either so I figured might as well stick with her. Maybe there was a chance Dad would still talk to me. Perhaps he needed more time to get over it.

It's been almost three years, a voice in the back of my mind said. How long did he need?

Time passed along slowly for me.

Alicia was racing away at college it seemed. She was doing so well. She had a boyfriend now. I took them out for dinner. His name was Will. He was presentable, studying the same subjects and was definitely a thinker. He wanted to talk about things like the way the economy was going, and politics. Very idealistic. Alicia's eyes were almost sparkling when she watched him talking. He talked for long periods.

I nodded and said Mm a lot, in agreement. I didn't really care what he thought of the economy, as long as he was good to her. It was nice to see that she'd found someone she liked.

In late summer Tara, my receptionist, got married.

I took Sylvia as my guest. It was pretty normal as weddings went, and as there were a few work colleagues there it was bearable. But afterwards Sylvia was holding onto me very tight in the cab back home and I felt warning bells go off.

I'd been right to panic; a few days later over dinner she brought up the subject of us getting married.

I realized I couldn't carry on with her any more. It certainly wasn't fair to her, so I had to break up with her. I think she'll always assume that the prospect of marriage scared me off, and in a way she was right.

I felt awful, I really did.

She was upset, she cried. I apologized a thousand times, but I pretty much hid. She called me a few times in the weeks afterwards. I talked to her at first as she sobbed down the phone, then I asked Tara to start screening my calls. At home I unplugged my phone. I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't handle it.

Obviously I couldn't go to my regular gym. I ran down there one lunch time and cancelled my membership. I told Aaron I'd have to find somewhere else to work out, as Sylvia still used that gym.

I went on the hunt for a new gym.

A change would be good anyway. I tried out a few, decided whichever one I liked best I would join. One place I went in seemed to have mostly guys there. There were some huge guys too, as well as skinny, toned guys. Most of them wore bright colored gym clothes.

When one guy winked at me I realized they were gay.

I felt embarrassed and intrigued at the same time. I didn't stop going but I hadn't joined yet.

‘So, straight or gay?’

‘Huh?’ I was surprised, not used to anyone being so blunt with me about sexuality.

‘Straight or gay?’ The man who had asked the question repeated, raised an eyebrow and smiled.

I'd seen him around the gym before and we caught each other's eye a fair bit.

‘Er...’

‘Ohh, I see,’ the other guy's smile widened to a grin. ‘Just touring, then? Or do you want to come back to mine?’

I still couldn't answer. This guy didn't hang around though.

‘Tell you what,’ he said. ‘I'm going to jump in the showers. You have a think about it, and tell me in five.’

I could feel my face flush as he walked away. I considered staying, but nerves got the better of me and I left.

On the way home and the rest of that night I felt full of nervous energy. But it wasn't unpleasant. I showered at home and thought about it more. As I rubbed the soap over my body I suddenly noticed I was getting hard. I'm gay, I realized, heart pounding. I tried to ignore it and switched the water onto a cold setting. I'd been ignoring it this long, I could ignore it a bit longer.

I needed to think about other things.

Three days later I was back in the gym. I didn't see the same guy there but another guy who was younger smiled at me. I smiled back and watched him work out. When he got off the cross trainer he rubbed his neck with a towel, watching me push weights.

‘Hey,’ he said, smiling.

They all seemed so forward. I could feel that rush of heat again.

‘Hi,’ I replied, pausing my weights.

‘You new here?’ he asked.

I nodded. I was still pretty nervous.

‘You wanna get a drink with me?’

Without thinking I simply answered, ‘Sure.’

His name was Ryan, and there was never any drink. I somehow knew there wouldn't be, and went straight back to his apartment with him. I wasn't sure what had made me say yes but when I held him next to me I realized his size and build reminded me of Jason. Same height, same slim body, though definitely more toned from gym work outs.

As we pulled our clothes off I ran my hands over his skin, loving the hardness of him. I briefly thought of Sylvia's soft curves but they soon left my mind again. Not much was in my mind as I kissed Ryan, just a lustful haze.

‘Top or bottom?’ he breathed against my mouth.

I paused, momentarily confused. ‘Huh?’

‘Do you want to be top or bottom?’ he smiled. ‘I'm easy.’

‘Oh,’ I replied, hazy and only just managing to process what he was asking. I pushed him down onto his own bed in answer.

Being with only Sylvia in the last three years and not really being that interested, I'd almost gotten used to sex being a half-hearted fumble. Being with another guy now I was surprised how much it turned me on, how crazy it made me feel. It was fast, heated and left me gasping. I couldn't lie, it was great.

It had been so simple. And afterwards, there was nothing awkward. Just a peck on the cheek, a 'see you round' and we parted. I walked up to the high street to hail a cab, paranoid that people knew what I'd done, or were looking at me differently.

When I eventually calmed down, I went home and fell asleep in front of the TV that night. I slept really well. I was even relatively happy the next day.

‘Someone got laid,’ Aaron commented at lunch time.

I almost choked on my coffee. ‘How do you know?’

But of course he assumed it was a woman. ‘Aha,’ he winked at me. ‘You've been miserable for weeks but today you practically skipped down the hall. What else is it gonna be?’

‘Hm,’ I reluctantly agreed, trying not to blush.

Anyway, I marked it up to a one-off. I just needed to get it out of my system, I reasoned.

But the next week I was back at the gym. I didn't see Ryan but left with another guy. I enjoyed it, I couldn't help it.

I'm gay, I thought. I'm actually gay. I thought it was a one-off thing in high school, and now a one-off thing here but it wasn't not. It was me.

I felt fit to burst. I had to talk to someone. I wished I could talk to Blake but I was afraid of rejection. I'd already lost my Dad, I didn't want to lose Blake over this as well. So I resolved to tell Alicia.

When she came around for dinner one night, admittedly to cook for me, I picked at my food trying to think of how to tell her.

‘What's up?’ she asked, noticing I was deep in thought.

I glanced up at her then back down at my food, too shy to look at her as I said it.

‘I'm gay.’

Silence.

When she didn't answer I dared to look up, worried she was going to hate me too.

She was still looking at me. ‘Yeah,’ she smiled, trying to reassure. ‘I kinda figured that.’

‘Oh,’ I said. Well I wished someone had told me. Would have saved me a lot of headache.

‘It doesn't change anything between us, right?’ she asked.

‘Of course not,’ I said firmly. ‘As long as you don't hate me, I don't care what anyone else thinks.’

‘Does anyone else know?’

‘Er...’ I frowned. ‘No. I don't see that they need to. Not yet anyway.’