The Program (22 page)

Realm shakes his head. “No, it wasn’t. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Then why did you?”

Realm lowers his eyes. “I care about you. I’m lonely too. Just because I’m not a patient doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the same isolation you guys do. I’ve been here five weeks, Sloane. I want to leave. And I want to take you with me.”

I push him again, backing him to the bed. He doesn’t try and protect himself. The thought that Realm could have left at any point while I was held against my will makes me hate him. “Roger?” I ask suddenly. “Was he a part of this too?”

“No,” Realm says. “I mean, he used to be. But not anymore. He had no right to do the things he did. I didn’t know, I swear—”

“Yes, because your word means so much now.”

“I didn’t, Sloane. I would have done anything to protect you.”

“Is that before or after you helped them erase my life? Do you think I can forgive that? Do you think I can
ever
get over that?”

“I hope so,” he says. “I . . .” He stops, and his pale skin is even more white than usual—like he might get sick. “I have nothing. And this is the first time I thought I might be able to build a life again. When I leave here, I’ll have six weeks off before returning to The Program at a different facility. I’m
under contract for two years—a contract I can’t break or they’ll erase everything about me. I’m trying to save both of us, and I thought that once you were released, we could be together.”

I laugh. I know it’s cruel, but I don’t care. I’m so hurt that I want to be mean. I want him to know what he’s done to me.

“Well,” I say, “that’s never going to happen. Your contract might end sooner than you think because it doesn’t look like my therapy is going to take,
Michael
.” I growl his name.

Realm grabs my wrists hard then, pulling me toward him. “Don’t say that. You’re getting out of here. But you don’t leave by fighting. They’ll never let you out that way.”

I scoff. “What do I have to do then? Kiss you until I’m released?”

He drops his arms. “No, and I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore. Please believe me when I say that wasn’t part of this. I kissed you because I wanted to. You’re strong and smart, and you make me want to
live
, Sloane.” He looks in my eyes. “But you can’t tell anyone about this. You’ll compromise me.”

There’s a loud knock at the door, and we both jump. I wipe again quickly at my face as Realm’s eyes flick between me and the door. The handle turns, and Nurse Kell pops her head in. “I have your medication, dears,” she says, her voice sickly sweet. Her shoulders are rigid, and I think that she’s been looking for us for a while.

“Take it,” Realm murmurs to me as he grabs the cup the nurse is holding out to him. He dips his chin to her in appreciation, and I reach for the other cup on the tray.

My hands are shaking so badly, I’m sure Nurse Kell has to notice. I stare down into the Dixie cup but don’t take the white pill. Instead I look back at Realm defiantly. His expression weakens, as if begging me.

“No,” I tell Nurse Kell. “I’m fine without it tonight.” I put the cup back on the tray and turn, walking across the room to stand by Realm’s side table. My entire body is pulsing with anger and hatred. I’m going to tear this fucking place apart.

I hear Realm whisper something to her, but I don’t turn to look. They can both go to hell. Dr. Warren can go to hell. I don’t even want to get out anymore. I just want to take them down.

“Okay, then,” Nurse Kell says with a forced cheerfulness. “Everyone else is in the leisure room if you care to join them.”

“We’ll be out in a second,” Realm answers. I look over then and see him watching me, his brow creased with concern. Nurse Kell bites her lip and then backs out, leaving us alone again.

“What was in the medication?” I ask.

He looks defeated. “Something to relax you.”

“And what was in yours, Michael?”

“Same as always. Sugar pill.”

I cross the room and slap him. My palm stings as it connects with his cheek. He flinches from the pain and then turns fiercely and grabs me by my shoulders, backing me hard against the wall as I gasp. A red handprint is obvious on his face and he’s exhaling quickly, like he’s about to lose it on me.

“Hit me,” I snarl. “I dare you to throw me down and report me. Because there is no way in hell I’ll let you get away with this.” I lean close to his face. “I’ll tell everyone.”

The anger in Realm’s expression fades, his grip loosens. We’re against each other, breathing heavily. But instead of turning me in, Realm puts his mouth over mine and kisses me hard. I try to yank away at first, but in his lips is intensity and passion. It’s a sort of comfort that I’ve missed. Despite everything that’s happened, this feels real. And I need something to
be
real after all the lies. I stop fighting.

And just as I let his tongue touch mine, something pierces my thigh. I cry out and push Realm back. He’s holding a needle, fluid still dripping from the tip.

His eyes start watering. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I can’t let them erase me.”

“What did you do?” I cry out, completely stunned and horrified. “Realm, what did you just do?”

“I had to, Sloane.” He holds out his hand to me, but I slap it away and rush past him.

“Don’t touch me!” I scream, pulling open his door. I’m scared he’s going to follow me, so I try to hurry to my room. But I’m only halfway down the hall when I feel the first wave of medication crash over me. I stumble forward, not sure how I’m going to make it to my bed.

This is like the effect of the yellow pill that Dr. Warren gives me, only stronger. I suddenly think that The Program is going to kill me for finding out about Realm. That Realm is going to kill
me. I stagger in my doorway and then fall, my knee hitting the white floor hard.

I’m on my hands and knees, the room tipping from side to side in front of me as I crawl toward the safety of my bed.

“Sloane,” I hear, and then arms are around my waist, helping me up. I turn my head lazily to the side and see Realm.

“No,” I say, trying to fight him off. “Leave me alone.” But the words are slurred on my lips as he leads me to the bed.

“I’m sorry. It’s the only way. I swear, it’s the only way.”

“What have you done?” I ask, although I’m not sure if he can understand me as sleep starts to drown me like rushing river water.

“I can’t let you remember,” he murmurs, helping me into bed and then climbing in next to me, holding me protectively in his arms even as I struggle weakly. He’s still talking, but his voice is fading out, fading over me. “. . . or I’ll never get out.”

“I’ll tell everyone,” I try to say, but I can’t keep my eyes open. “I’ll tell everyone.” And then Realm’s gone. And so am I.

MY EYES FLUTTER OPEN, AND I COVER MY FACE
with my forearm, blocking out the light from the overhead fluorescents. My head is pounding, feeling thick with sleep.

When the fog starts to clear, I look to my side table, and the clock reads almost ten. The room smells like toast, and I find the cart on the other side with a covered tray. The food is probably long cold by now. Why didn’t anyone wake me?

I slip on my robe, wondering where everyone is. I pause at my door, before going out into the hall. There’s a young nurse at the station typing on her computer, and from the leisure room I can hear the TV. Everything seems normal, and yet . . . I’m confused.

“Ah. You’re awake.”

I jump and turn to see Nurse Kell walking toward me from
the other direction, smiling broadly. “You weren’t feeling well today, so we let you sleep in. Did you want me to get you a snack, honey?”

“Not feeling well?” I look down the hallway as Derek walks by, saluting me in greeting. “I’m . . .” Pushing my hair away from my face, I think back to yesterday. But I can’t find anything there. “What day is it?” I ask.

Nurse Kell smiles like the question isn’t even odd. “It’s Saturday. And the sun is finally out if you’d like to go out to the garden.”

“What?” I’m stunned by her statement, never having been let outside before.
Saturday?
“It’s Friday, isn’t it?” I’m sure it’s Friday.

“No, honey. But you were running a fever yesterday, and we had to medicate you. So I’m not surprised you don’t remember.”

My mind starts to race then, and I know that they’ve done something to my memory. I keep my face calm, but Nurse Kell can see what I’m thinking. I want to scream. I want to punch her. I want them out of my head. What did they erase this time? Whatever it is, it wasn’t theirs to take.

“Where’s Realm?” I ask.

“He’s playing cards in the other room.” She brushes my hair off my shoulder, her face a portrait of concern. “You go see him, and I’ll get you some clean clothes for your shower. You should really take it easy today.”

I want to slap her hand away from me, but instead I just
turn and hurry toward the leisure room. When I get inside, Realm immediately looks up, smiling around the pretzel cigar in his mouth. “Hey, sweetness. Didn’t think you’d ever get up.”

“I need to talk to you,” I say, shifting uneasily from foot to foot. Realm’s face drops, and he yanks out the pretzel and tosses down his cards.

“Hey!” Shep calls, but Realm is stalking toward me. He takes my arm, lowering his head.

“What is it? Are you okay?” he whispers, studying my eyes.

I cling to Realm, pressing my face against his chest. “They did something to me,” I say. His body is stiff at first, but then he relaxes around me, gently stroking my hair.

“How so?”

“I can’t remember yesterday. A whole day! They won’t leave me alone,” I tell him, and I feel the tears wet on my cheek, on his shirt.

“Sloane, you were sick. Why do you think they did something to you?”

“I just know.” I knot my hands in the back of Realm’s shirt, keeping him there, not caring as his friends call out to us—telling us to get a room. Not caring that I can feel the stares of the nurses. Nobody breaks us up, though, and Realm wipes my tears with his thumbs.

“Want to go outside?” he asks, a small smile on his face. “They told me you earned some garden time.”

“Why?”

“For being a good girl.” He grins. “Kidding. You’re getting
close to release time. Everyone gets to go out when that happens.”

“Not you.”

Realm looks away.

“Wait,” I say. “You could go outside all this time?”

He nods, and I scoff. “Well, why haven’t you?” I ask. “You should be getting fresh air, not be trapped in here.”

“I was waiting for you,” he says with a shrug.

A smile pulls at my lips as I think Realm’s entirely sweet. That he cares about me. “You’re an idiot,” I say. “But that’s what I like about you.” The thought of actual sunlight fills me with so much hope that I jog toward my room to get into fresh scrubs. I’m going outside.

•  •  •

“This is really beautiful,” I say as we walk down the rows of flowers. The gravel pathway crunches under my sneakers, and in the light, true sunlight, Realm’s black hair is a sharp contrast to his skin. I think he’d look better as a blond.

“Hold hands?” he asks.

“No, I like my freedom,” I say absently, looking over the expansive lawn. I wonder if I could escape, but I see a tall iron fence just beyond the neat row of trees. My heart sinks just a little.

Realm is kicking at the rocks as we walk, and he seems down. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

He looks at me, startled. “Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about when I’m out.”

“Soon.”

He nods. “Yep.” He turns to me then, stopping me in the path. “What are you going to do when you’re out, Sloane? Who’s the first person you want to see?” He smiles then, that adorable smile that makes me feel like we’re sharing secrets. Only out here it doesn’t seem so infectious.

I’m not sure how to answer because when I think of home, all I can see are my parents. A few random faces pop up, but they’re just classmates, none of them my friends. The loneliness once again overwhelms me, and I stagger back. Realm catches my arm and straightens me.

“Hey,” he says. “You okay? Did you remember something?”

“No,” I whisper. “And that’s the problem. I don’t remember anything anymore.”

Realm meets my eyes. “Do you remember me?”

“Of course. But I don’t know if they’re going to take you, too.”

“They won’t.”

I watch as he lowers his head, the black hair dye too dark—fake. “How do you know?” I ask. His throat clicks as he swallows, but then he glances up, smiling.

“Because you couldn’t forget me, Sloane. I’m way too awesome.”

I laugh, but it’s out of obligation. His joke doesn’t cheer me up or set me at ease. I don’t like the way he looks in the light. Everything around me is too sharply focused. I motion back toward the building.

“I want to go inside,” I say, turning and heading back. Realm runs to catch up with me, surprised, I’m sure.

“Sloane,” he asks carefully. “Are you mad at me?”

I furrow my brow. “No. Why do you ask?”

“You just don’t seem to like me anymore.”

I consider taking his hand then, but I don’t. I keep walking, and he falls behind a little. I have no idea how to explain to Realm that, in the light, he’s not what I thought he was. That I do feel different today. About him. About everything. I’m not quite sure why, but more than ever I’m desperate to go home. I’m going to play this game, beat The Program. I’m going to get out of here.

•  •  •

Realm is practically glued to my side at lunch. Under the harsh fluorescents, he looks more himself. And yet, I sense that something is off. Every time he touches my arm, or tries to take my hand, I shrink away. He doesn’t ask again if I like him, but I see the question in his eyes.

I leave him and decide to take a long shower, the nurses allowing it although one of them stays in the bathroom with me. I must be in there almost a half hour because my skin is pruned and I’m exhausted from the heat. Everything about today is wrong, my new freedom, my changed feelings. I almost skip dinner, but I’m hungry so I go downstairs.

At the last minute I decide to sit with Tabitha, ignoring Realm as he waits at our table. I can’t make sense of my emotions, of how I want to stay away from my only real friend.