The Promises We Keep (Made for Love Book 1) (34 page)

I inhale impatiently as I run my fingers through my hair. Despite my cup of Joe, it's still only eight thirty in the morning and I'm not awake enough for riddles. I
’
m not ashamed to say that I do not follow.
“
Pastor Doug
—
I
’
m going to need you to give it to me plain.
”

He smirks at me before he continues.
“
You
’
re traveling
toward
Addie. You feel this uncertainty in your heart and you
’
re trying to figure out how to deal with it; but your feelings for Addie are not what
’
s uncertain
—
neither are her feelings for you. From what I can tell, your struggle is with trust.
”

“
Trust?
”
I ask lamely.

“
I don
’
t know if you don
’
t trust yourself or if you don
’
t fully trust God
—
but there is a lack of trust somewhere that has you unable to move forward. And regardless of which one it is, since your trust in Addison is not in question, you can
’
t keep traveling and relying on her as your true north.
”

I need a minute to let that sink in. Doug is gracious enough to offer me the time as he nurses his drink.
“
So the question isn
’
t: what do I need to do to find my way back to Addie?
”

“
I don't believe so, no. Based on what you
’
ve told me, you don
’
t need to get her back. She
’
s still yours. All you
’
d have to do is claim her
—
and I mean that in the most chivalrous way, of course,
”
he says with passing smile.
“
But your heart doesn't seem to be satisfied with that option.
”

“
No. It isn
’
t.
”

“
Alright, so then I think you should take some time to consider a couple of things.
”
He removes a pen he has stored between the pages of his Bible before pulling a paper napkin in front of him. He writes his questions before he turns the napkin toward me and speaks them aloud.
“
Do you trust that you can follow through with the responsibilities God intends for you to fulfill in the role of husband? Do you trust your relationship in God
’
s hands?
”
Before I have a chance to respond, he
’
s speaking again.
“
If you answer no to either question, they both put you on the same path.
”

“
What path is that?
”
I ask as I begin to fidget with the napkin.

“
A
vertical
one. Again, Addie is down here,
”
he says, pointing at the table.
“
She is your past and quite possibly your future; both exist on a plane that travels horizontally. But remember, she
’
s not your true north.
”
He points up.
“
The relationship that seems to be pleading for your attention is on a vertical plane. Do you get me?
”

“
Yeah. I think so.
”
I pause and try and wrap my head around this new concept. To be honest, I
’
m not sure that it makes me feel any better. I can see how it makes sense; the questions he poses are ones that I really do think I need to consider. It
’
s not that I
’
ve never asked myself the same things, but I
’
m not sure I
’
ve ever pressed myself to find an answer. Perhaps this is God
’
s way of making me face the parts of myself I thought I didn
’
t need to worry about
—
the parts of myself I neglected or took for granted. But
—“
This could take forever,
”
I blurt out.

“
What could take forever?
”

“
Addressing my trust issues, if that is indeed where my problem lies.
”

“
Are you on a schedule? Is there any rush?
”

I scoff, unable to hide my offense to his casually delivered question.
“
I could lose her.
”

“
Ah, and there it is,
”
he hums, leaning back in his chair. I shrug, expressing that I do not follow.
“
Who
’
s in the driver
’
s seat, Beck? You or God?
”

I open my mouth to respond, my brain instantly giving me the answer
—
but then I stop, and my heart contradicting me.
Who is the leader of our relationship, really? Me or God? I broke things off because I felt like something wasn
’
t lining up correctly, but I did it with the mindset that I will get her back. If God told me to give her up forever, would I? Do I trust that if that was what He wanted me to do then that must be the best plan for my life, or for hers? Do I trust that if the best plan is for her and I to get married that God will make it happen, no matter how long we
’
re apart? Or am I stuck in the mindset that this is all in my hands and I have to make it right?

“
Beckham,
”
Doug breaks my train of thought and I look up at him.
“
God is not trying to sabotage your relationship or ruin your life by taking away the woman you love. God is good. Always. Even when we are hurting and we don
’
t understand the challenges that have been placed before us, He is still good and sovereign. What you
’
re going through right now, following your heart down this road less traveled, that is obedience and God has called us to be obedient people. Here is something you need to remember
—
God isn
’
t interested in you
understanding
Him or His plan; He
’
s interested in you
trusting
Him, at all times, no matter what.
”

“
Why doesn
’
t that sound encouraging?
”
I mutter.

“
Because you lack faith in His promises to you.
”

I rub my hands up my face, pushing my glasses up as I groan. I wasn
’
t as prepared for this conversation as I thought I was. Now, I no longer feel open minded. Instead, I feel defensive and frustrated and reprimanded. These are things that I didn
’
t need to feel on top of everything else!
I don
’
t want to be in this conversation anymore.
“
Okay. Yeah. I
’
ll work on it,
”
I say, righting my glasses as I lean back in my chair.

“
I know I
’
ve given you a lot to think and pray about but, before I go, I have one more thing for you to consider.
”

“
Alright,
”
I murmur. Recognizing that I
’
m on the verge of being rude, I sit up straight and rest my forearms against the table, signaling to him that I
’
m still listening.

“
God may have placed it on your heart to initiate this separation from Addie
—
and I don
’
t doubt that He did so with specific intentions for you
—
but I
’
m also confident that you aren
’
t His only concern. God uses all things for the good of those who love Him. God
’
s not going to leave her hanging. Know and trust that He loves her more than you do and He
’
s got something in the works for her, too.
”

That
’
s probably the first comforting thing he
’
s said all morning,
I think as I sigh in relief.
“
I
’
ll keep that in mind.
”

“
Well, Beck, I
’
ve got another appointment I have to get to.
”

“
Yeah, sure.
”
As much as I
’
m relieved that this meeting is coming to an end, I am grateful for the chance to speak with him about this.
“
Thanks, again, for your time.
”

“
You
’
re welcome. I
’
m glad to know how I can be praying for you. Please, keep me posted and check in, alright?
”
he asks as he stands.

I stand with him and shake his hand.
“
I will.
”

“
Good. I
’
ll see you Sunday, then.
”

I nod and we both wave as he makes his way out the door. I slump back into my chair, feeling heavy after our conversation. My journal and the napkin Doug scribbled on sit in front of me and I know that I should write for a while in an attempt to process some of the things that were just discussed. I decide that I will
—
after I get a refill.

I wake up with a groan. It
’
s too early to be waking up. I feel like I haven
’
t slept nearly enough
—
when I remember that I haven
’
t, I smile. My lingering giddiness motivates me to get out of bed. The tug at my lips seems relentless as I get up and get dressed, slipping into my yoga clothes. While I pull my hair up and grab my purse and mat, I replay the events of last night that have me in such a good mood.

Avery and Grayson. Grayson and Avery. Gravery
—
Averson? Gravery for the win.

As soon as we pulled Ave away from Gray last night, Sarah and I were demanding details. As promised, Sarah threw together a batch of cookies while Ave started from the beginning. I
’
m still amazed that she was able to keep their relationship a secret. I know it was only for two days
—
but a secret between us for two days might as well be two months.
Then again, I knew there was something different about her. If I hadn
’
t been so busy wallowing, I probably could have gotten it out of her sooner
.

I shake the thought away as I climb into my Civic and resume my mental replay from the night before. I wouldn
’
t have caught them if I hadn
’
t forgotten something in my car. I was on my way out to get it when I opened the door to find the best surprise ever. Now, I can
’
t even remember what it is that I was after. I look around as I start the ignition and try to jog my memory, but I still come up short. I
’
m too distracted and definitely too tired.